Answers

I've really been struggling the last few weeks with real shame around my body.  Shame is a dark place to be.... the longer I stay, the more distorted my thinking becomes.  When it gets that dark I don't leave the house, I don't get dressed or bother to do my hair.  I quit eating, thinking that starving myself thin is a viable option.  I don't respond to phone calls or text messages.  I troll the pages of Facebook, comparing myself to all of my amazing friends and feeling sorry for myself because I am alone without children.  Sometimes I cry for hours.  Other times I watch TV episodes one after another trying to numb the feelings I have going on inside me.

Yesterday was one of those days.  Having spent Friday afternoon/evening with my nephews and brothers, I woke up Saturday feeling lonely.  Rather than turn to fantasy.... which is what I used to do on Saturday mornings.... I grabbed my kindle and started watching a TV show.  Eight hours and I have no idea how many episodes later, I forced myself to turn it off.

It's time to figure this out.  It's time to dig deep and face the shame I have about being tall, having big hands, big feet and a big head.  It's time to figure out food and what it means to me.  It's time.

I've felt this way before, this determined before, this fed up before, and I want this time to be different.

I'm fasting today.  When I knelt down last night to start my fast with a prayer, I said those very things.  "It's time to figure this out, I pray for Thy help.  I know I've said this before but this time is different.  I don't know why. But it is." 

At church this morning, they pulled me last minute into Primary to play the piano.  What was today's lesson about?  "I Am Thankful for My Body".  Coincidence? No.  I quit believing in coincidence a long, long time ago.  Tears ran down my face as the teacher read this quote:

"Our bodies are the temples of our spirits.  Even thou we choose what to do with them while we are here on earth, we must remember that they are sacred because Heavenly Father created them.  President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Our bodies... are the tabernacles of our spirits.  He who is the Father of those spirits would have us build strength and virtue into these personal tabernacles."

"Satan is jealous of everyone who has a body, because he cannot have one.  He tempts us to ruin our body's purity by taking harmful substances or involving ourselves in addiction.  He even tempts us to be ashamed of our bodies -- to think that they aren't good enough, tall enough, strong enough, or pretty enough.  If we follow the Spirit, we will be able to build strength and virtue into our bodies, and we won't believe the devil's lies about them.  Heavenly Father is pleased with the earthly temples created for our spirits.  We must show reverence for our bodies and treat them as holy temples."
(My Body -- a Temple, Friend, May 2002)

Heavenly Father is not ashamed of me.  He is not ashamed of my body or appearance.  I believe that.  I know he's not ashamed of me.  I feel His spirit with me and feel his love and approval. 

Then why should I be ashamed of myself?  Why should I believe Satan's lies and give way to his thoughts within my own head? 

I love the quote by Pres. Hinckley -- build strength and virtue into these personal tabernacles.   What am I doing to build strength and virtue into my body?  I'm not sure -- but I'm going to start working on it.

I am again filled with gratitude for my Heavenly Father and Savior.  For the quick answers to prayer and fasting I received today.  I am constantly amazed at how quickly my reaching is met with loving words and a calm spirit.