Flowers

Today is Valentine's Day.  For as long as I can remember, flowers would be delivered with a poem as well.  But recently my father died.  Brain cancer.

I knew today would be a hard day, not only for me, but for my mom and my sisters.  Wanting to ease their pain, I enlisted the help of my brothers, assinging each a sister or my mother to deliver flowers to.  One sister posted on Facebook how amazingly grateful and happy she was.  My oldest brother took care of my mom, dropping flowers at her house tonight and making sure she felt loved.  I dropped flowers off at at my sister's school today.  Though she hasn't said anything about them, she is in a very good mood tonight.  Last night she cried about not expecting flowers today.  So the day must not have been too bad, huh?

But what about me?  Did anyone remember me?  No.  Did I receive flowers?  No. I thought somehow my brothers would remember me.  I thought that after explaining how important this was and assigning them sisters to take care of, one of them would think - what about Amy?  She needs flowers, too.  But no.  No one remembered me. 

I fix.  That is what I do.  I make sure every ones needs are taken care of.  I anticipate what I think their feelings and needs will be and take care of them.  I take care of people.  I fix their situations. I rescue them. 

But who rescues me? No one.  And am I really rescuing people?  Maybe I'm hurting them?  Maybe not letting them feel the consequences of things isn't helping them or me?

I feel ashamed of having needs.  I feel ashamed that I feel bad about not receiving flowers today.  I shouldn't feel bad or sad or ashamed of that.  Why do I?

Loser

In the never-ending battle with my sister, I am the perpetual loser.

It seems, no matter how hard I try, how forgiving or kind I am, how angry and frustrated I get, how calm or rational I converse, I end up the loser.  She's upset because I forget something, she's upset because I don't forget something.  She's frustrated because I don't want to spend all day going to stores with her, then the next day she pulls an attitude because I go to the store without her.  I seriously do not understand the situation.

I try for so long, and then just give up and let it go.  She's not more upset when I let it go, so it must really not matter.  Part of it is my people-pleasing attitude.  Part of it is the fact that she is my big sister and all I've ever wanted was for her to love me.  But she doesn't.  She never has.  And I need to accept that and let it go.  She doesn't love anyone but herself.  She is self-absorbed; self-obsessed really.

I don't want to live with it anymore.

Change

I can't even begin to explain the change that has happened to me in the past 24 hours. 

For the past 36 years, I have been living with an immense amount of internalized toxic shame.  Toxic.  The cards were stacked against me from the beginning. 

My parents married young and began having children right away.  Melody was born only 10 months after they had began their lives together.  They were happy, and my mom soon became pregnant again.  She carried the next child nearly full term.  A few days before the due date, mom said there was a violent kicking inside her womb. Two days later she delivered a still born little girl, Annjeanette. 

They had a fundamental difference in opinion about the status of this little girl.  My mom completely believed that Annjeanette was a member of their new family, sealed to them for time and all eternity.  My dad believed that Annjeanette hadn't received her mortal body and would need to come to earth in a different body.  I can't imagine the rift this would cause between two people, especially two emotionally immature crippled people, like my parents.

I was born 14 months later.  From my earliest memories Melody told me how much better her life was before I was born.  I can imagine that was true.  After losing a child, I'm sure they doted on the little girl they did have.  She was also the first grandchild of both sides of the family.  The grandparents also made sure Melody was taken care of and the center of attention. 

Enter the little sister.  I might not like me either. Her life probably was better before I was born.  She had all the attention, she was the center of attention, she was everything.  My mom believed I was a new little soul.  My dad believed I was Annjeanette with a new body. 

From the beginning I was ashamed to be alive.

But today, I'm choosing not to be ashamed.  I read this book, and the shame is starting to fall away.  I'm loving every minute of it.

Shame

These quotes changed my life today:

Children will invest as much energy as is needed to ensure the preservation of family harmony, even if it means sacrificing themselves to do so by developing psychological disorders.   -- Joel Covitz

When a child is born to shame-based parents, the deck is stacked from the beginning.  The job of parents is to model.  Modeling includes how to be a man or woman; how to relate intimately to another person; how to acknowledge and express emotions; how to fight fairly; how to have physical, emotional and intellectual boundaries; how to communicate; how to copy and survive life's unending problems; how to be self-disciplines; and how to love oneself and another.  Shame-based parents cannot do any of these.  They simply don't know how.  -- John Bradshaw

Shame-based families operate according to the laws of social systems.  When a social system is dysfunctional, it is rigid and closed.  All the individuals in that family are enmeshed in a kind of trancelike frozenness.  They take care of the system's need for balance, rather than their own needs for growth.  -- John Bradshaw

I'm being very serious, they absolutely changed my life.  I have known for years that I was emotionally immature in so many ways and that my life was on hold.  I wasn't having successful relationships on any front.  I wasn't having the success I wanted or making the progress I wanted.  Having been a sexaholic most of my life, I figured the problem was mine.  I wasn't good enough in any way and so didn't deserve growth or success. 

This morning, after a grueling therapy session, my therapist recommended I pick up a copy of "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw.  I haven't been able to put it down.  It is like reading an auto-biography of my life. 

For years, I have been saying that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.  From the introduction of the book:  "A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective." 

My entire life until now has been ruled by the sense of shame I have inside me.  I'm ashamed of me, of being alive, of making mistakes, of not handling everything well, of everything.  And I have internalized that to believe "I AM a mistake - everything I do is flawed and defective". (page 21). 

But I won't let this hold me captive forever.  I'm only 50 or so pages in, but am already feeling hopeful.