Physical Checkin: Week 3

I didn't like this week.  I'm kind of in denial about it and have procrastinated posting. 

Goal Reminder:

By August 3, I will:

1.  Give up 15 pounds of weight.

2.  Have walked 80 miles.

3.  Made thought pattern changes around my physical appearance and body functionality. 

Week 3 Report:
1.  I gained 2 pounds this week.  Still down .7 since starting.
2.  I walked 6 miles this week.  Total so far: 21
3.  Didn't do well this week.

This is why I struggle.  I can do really well for a few weeks and one bad week will undo all the progress I feel I've made. 

Challenges:

• I didn't plan this week.  I am trying to eat what I have since I move this coming weekend.  I just want to eat what I have so I'm not throwing away so much food.  I didn't eat regularly.
• My sleep was way off this week.  I was up really late most nights... 1 or 2 am.  And then was up again at 7. 
• I had several business meetings and didn't plan well around food.  I went hungry most mornings for several hours.  I don't do well when I am hungry.
• I did not hydrate well.

I teach piano lessons.  Sometimes I show up and the student will tell me how they didn't have a good practice week.  Sometimes they will be very upset about it.  I always say things like:  That happens.  Sometimes we don't get to practice as much as we might want to in a certain week.  No big deal.  The trick is to not turn that into two weeks or three or four weeks.  The trick is to stop it at one week. 

How am I going to stop it at one week??

Week 4 focus:
1 -- Water.
2 -- Eat.  Plan and eat when hungry, carry food if necessary.
3 -- Encouragement.  One week is not a big deal.  You can pull yourself out of a one week rut!

Clearing my brain

I'm sitting here in my office trying to work.  And it is just not working.  I'm giving myself 15 minutes to write and try to clear my brain -- then back to work.

Does it mean anything that the last two men I've fallen in love with have been ultimately unavailable?  Steve was unavailable emotionally.  The physical chemistry was intense, partly due to our sex addition issues.... but it was still there.  I tried and tired to have an emotional connection with him, and on some level I did.  Of course, it wasn't real because he was married and lying to me. 

Now I have the total opposite -- an intense emotional attraction and connection with a man who is physically unavailable to me.  Not only am I not really physically attracted to him -- but he's gay.  Even if I could get over my issues, he's still unavailable. 

I feel sad for him.  I've seen the pictures of women that he spends time with.  They travel together, become close, sometimes very close, and then ultimately she moves on leaving him alone time and time again.  He must hate it.  It must break his heart.  It must drive him to his knees time and time again wondering how he makes his way in the world.  It breaks my heart just thinking about it.  I've had similar feelings as I was passed over time and time again by my close LDS boy friends.  It's different, I know, but it's similar. 

I don't want to be the one that walks away again.  But I do want to get married and have a family.  Walking away from what I have with him is no guarantee that will happen.  I don't know what to do.  I need to slow down and let things happen organically.  I need to tell him how I feel about this whole thing.  I want him to know how much I feel for him and how much I empathize with him and his situation.  I want him to know I love him and am in love with him.  I want him to know all of that, and to let him know that I'm ok with what we have, if that is all he wants from me.  I'm willing to be content with that.  Am I just trying to emotionally dump?  Just trying to alleviate my own emotional anxiety by dumping the decisions onto him? 

Ok 15 minutes up.... back to work.

Loss

In twelve days I'll be on the road, moving all of my belongings to another state.  I'm very conflicted about it this morning.  I'm excited to be on my own, living near my family in an area with less rain and grey sky.  I need more sunshine in my life.  This is something I've wanted to do my whole life.

Yet, as I spend time with people and say goodbye, I'm super sad.  I will miss so many people.  Former co-workers, families from my ward, former mission companions I've grown close to, friends, even my sister.  I will miss my support group in SA, and the friendships and women I have met there.  I will miss my therapist and his quirky mannerisms.  I will my piano students and their excitement around the progress they make in their musical skills.  I will miss the smell of the ocean and the beautiful water I drive by everyday.

Why am I doing this then?  Is living by my family an appropriate trade-off for the other things I will miss?  I suppose I view my family as eternal and the rest of these things as temporary.  But are they really temporary?  I don't know.  If I have to keep telling myself this is the right thing and remind myself of the times I've felt the spirit and my confirmation, is that a good thing or a bad thing? 

Even as I sit here and write about my doubts, I know I will go.  I know there is pretty much nothing that could change that.  Maybe if he professed his undying love and proposed, maybe I'd stay.  Maybe.  I'm not sure he is what I want.  Some days he is everything I want and some days he is not even close.  I suppose that is normal, though.  Nothing is ever perfect all the time.  You take the good with the bad and decide if the bad is something you can live with.  In this case, I can live with the bad.  But this is a rather ridiculous line of thinking -- there is a lot to overcome here. 

I will go.  I will cry for awhile and grieve the loss of such amazing people in my life.  But I will pick up and carry on.  And somehow, everything will work out, right?  Isn't that what Heavenly Father always tells me -- it will be ok.  It will be ok.

Exposed

I let him read my first step yesterday.  I've been searching for months to find a way to talk to him about my addiction.  He knew about the addiction, but none of the details.  I knew it was time.  I can't leave without him knowing the full story. 

I sent it early Friday morning -- like 1:30am.  I panicked when I didn't hear from him all day.  Finally, a text in the late afternoon came.  He had read it and said: "I've read it.  Thank you for sharing. I can imagine how difficult that is.  You are a strong person and it shows. Don't let yourself tell you otherwise.  This changes nothing between us."  I burst into tears when I read that.  How can that be true?  How can he accept everything about me?  How can he be so amazingly forgiving and compassionate?  He is the first one outside of SA circles I've shared my story with.  And the first man, other than my therapist of course.  We went to dinner and spent the evening working around his house with his two nephews.  It was a blast and just what I needed -- normalcy and business as usual stuff.  Proof that things hadn't changed between us. 

When I got home, I sent a text saying goodnight.  When he responded he said, "Goodnight. I love you."

Love me?  How can he love me? 

Tonight I'm feeling raw, vulnerable and exposed.  I feel emotionally needy and scared.  I hate feeling this way.  He's on his way over to pick me up for a late movie.  I want to be relaxed and normal but feel stand offish emotionally.

I think I'm in love with him.  That wasn't very smart of me to fall in love with a gay man was it? 

What do I do?

Physical Check-In: Week 2

I feel things changing.  I want to walk more and be more active.  I have more energy.  I can do the hill by my house and not get winded.  I'm recognizing hunger better.  Just two weeks in and I feel better.  I love it.  I need to stay focused.  The next two weeks are going to be crazy as I get ready to move and I don't want to lose momentum.  I will take time tomorrow to make a plan for my week and stick to it!! 

The best part of my week was going clothes shopping today.  I didn't feel the need to criticize myself as I looked in the mirror.  I felt like I made honest evaluations of how I looked and even said good things about me.  I felt good about that.  Really good. 



I'm changing my target date to August 3 so it's exactly 9 weeks and I don't have to calculate any half weeks or anything. 

By August 3, I will:
1.  Give up 15 pounds of weight.
2.  Have walked 80 miles.
3.  Made thought pattern changes around my physical appearance and body functionality. 

Week 2 Report:
1.  I gave up 1.4 pounds this week.  Total so far: 2.7
2.  I walked 9 miles this week.  Total so far: 15
3.  Bought new clothes today and didn't make a single statement about being fat or ugly

Highlights from this week:

• I added a weight check in with my therapist.   Glad for the accountability.
• Vegetables -- I did way better this week.  My goal was two veggies a day.  I think my week was 6/7 for that goal.  Focusing on just two is really helpful!
• Gave up weight two weeks in a row.  I was really glad that I wasn't scared of the scale this morning.  I wasn't dreading it or worried.  I felt good about the decisions I made this week and thus wasn't worried about what it said. 
• Added energy -- I really feel the walking is helping with my energy level.  I love walking with friends. 

Challenges from this week:

• Again, I choose not to walk a day that I clearly had time to walk.  However, I walked three more miles than I did last week.
• Sleeping -- I didn't sleep enough this week.  I need to work on that this week.
• Eating on a schedule.  I KNOW I do better when I eat on a regular schedule.  I didn't plan well a few days this week and thus found myself VERY hungry on a couple occasions.
• I didn't write down any affirmations.

Week 3 focus: 
1 -- Stay hydrated.  I want to drink more water.  Three fill-ups from my water bottle a day.
2 -- Vegetables.  Eat two vegetables everyday.  Next week I'd like to up that.
3 -- Walk 12 miles.  I will need to adjust my walking schedule this week because of all the evening commitments I have.  I will make this a priority in my life this week.
4 -- Write down 10 affirmations and read them everyday.

Him

My emotions have been all over the map today.  Some moments I feel so strong and secure and then a single thought or moment can turn me into a fragile, broken little girl again.  Today has been back and forth and has left me tonight feeling lonely, vulnerable and sad. 

Two weeks from tomorrow I drive away towards a new future.  I'm incredibly excited about the new possibilities and new adventures that await me.  My mom picked up my new keys today.  It's going to be a really good thing for me.

But tonight all I can think about is him.  What will I do without him?  What will I do when I need him?  Until right this minute, I've been unwilling to admit that I need him or that I love him like I do.  But I do -- love him and need him.  What do I do?  Do I tell him?  or do I keep it inside and let it fade?   

Physical Check-In: Week 1

The past few weeks I've really felt compelled to start working on my physical health.  I'm not dieting, I'm not going on some restrictive drug or program, nor am I going to overnight become a fitness junkie, but I am determined to make changes every week in the way that I take care of my physical self.

For my entire life I have struggled with food and my weight.  My parents put me on my first diet when I was 10.  I saw a nutritional therapist weekly over the summer, where she weighed me and told me I needed to lose weight.  Lots of weight.  Throughout high school I was on Weight-Watchers, Nutri-System, and all sorts of other programs trying to lose weight.  I'm having really interesting feelings right now thinking about this..........  another time.

The inner dialog around losing weight and being physical fit has always been one of defeat.  "I can't do this."  "No matter what I eat I don't lose weight, and I don't gain weight either."  I've been roughly the same size since leaving on my mission in 1998.  About two weeks ago I heard a women speak in church.  I don't remember anything she said except one line:  "My dad sat me and down and said:  You have always been a problem solver, you will figure this out."  I felt the spirit during those words.  I have always been a problem solver.  There is not a problem I cannot solve without the help of my Heavenly Father.  I felt hope sink into my soul.  I can figure this out.

About an hour later, in Primary, I felt the spirit again.  The lesson that day was about the Word of Wisdom, the Lord's law of health.  I know that wasn't a coincidence.  It reminded me that my Patriarchal blessing states that I should live according to the Word of Wisdom and the laws of health.  Another answer.

And so, on June 1, I began my journey to a healthy solution.  If recovery has taught me anything, it is to focus one day at a time on a short term goal.  I can't say things like, next year I will......  A year is too much time for me to focus on.  I've learned I'm really good in 2 month intervals.  I can do anything that is temporary. :) 

By August 1, I will:
1.  Weigh 15 lbs. less than I do now.
2.  Have walked 80 miles, approximately 10 miles a week.
3.  Consciously work on my inner dialog around my physical appearance and body functionality. 

So here I am, week 1 down. 
1.  Gave up 1.3 lbs. this week.  I've never like the term "lose weight".  I don't know why, I have issues with it.  I like to think of it more as my body giving up the weight, surrendering it, never to find it again or to need it again. 
2.  Walked 6 miles this week, 74 left.  I have really enjoyed the walking.  I've also had a friend to walk with nearly every night, which is super nice. 
3.  I didn't do anything in written form, but I did work everyday to say nice things about myself when looking in the mirror.  I also told myself probably a million times, that I am a problem solver and that I can figure this out.  I also say things to myself about how healthy I want to be and how active I want to be.  This REALLY helps. 

Week 1 highlights:

• Eating more vegetables.
• Grilling. :)
• Walking -- LOVE walking
• Having more energy
• Talking to my therapist about weight issues -- he had great insights
• Generally feeling better

Week 1 Challenges:

• I overate twice -- once with my sister and once with some friends at dinner. 
• Two days this week, I let my laziness stop me from walking.  I had time both days, I just chose not to.  I don't like that feeling. 

Week 2 Focus:
1 - Walk every day - I will do 10 miles this week (and not feel guilty about only 6 last week)
2 -  Eat 2 servings of vegetables every day.  I do really good with fruit, but need more veggies.
3 -  Daily affirmations -- I will write down a list of 10 affirmations I will read daily this week.

New Territory

Yesterday marked a big sobriety anniversary for me.  I didn't realize how anxious I was about it, but now that it's past, I'm feeling much calmer.  I remember an exchange I had with the wife of an addict once.  She was telling me that her husband had a sobriety anniversary approaching.  She was trying to be sensitive and ask him how he was feeling about it and if there was anything she could do to support him.  He totally downplayed it and made her feel like she was making a big deal out of nothing.  I told her he was lying.  I don't know an addict that doesn't keep very close track of their sobriety.  I also vowed I would never downplay something like that again.  I reached out to several people over the weekend to just release anxiety and feel supported.  It was extremely helpful.  And now it's past.  I'm into new sobriety territory.  I've never been sober this long since my mission in 1998.  Wow, 15 years. 

I have found the last few months that my internal dialog has shifted a bit.  When I feel triggered or stressed out, rather than say "I want to act out", I say "I don't want to act out, but I'm feeling these pulls into old patterns".  Acknowledging the differences has been a huge shift in my sobriety.  I don't want to act out.  I really don't.  But I do sometimes feel emotional pulls into old patterns that I know end in acting out.  It helps me calm down and try to pull apart what is going on for me emotionally.  It's been a good change.  I really good change. 

In three weeks I'll be moving.  As I looked for apartments and housing this past week, I was flooded with memories of the area.  I have some addiction memories -- but not many.  This area was not one where I did a lot of acting out.  However, the memories are emotionally painful to me.  This is the area where I started to feel rejected and isolated from society.  I returned to this area after my mission ready for a relationship.  And no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, no matter how much service and sacrifices I made, I couldn't get anything to work.  When I left two years later I discovered internet chat rooms and was in a full-blown addiction within weeks.  In some ways, I feel like I'm returning to the scene of a crime. 

As I've been reflecting on that the last week, I have been overwhelmed with feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.  I start to question my decisions... from what I'm wearing and how I do my hair, to whether I should be moving at all?  Maybe I should just stay here in my comfortable web of support and friendship.  How am I going to handle returning to this territory being a new person.  Will I be able to stay sober?  Will I be able to maintain my sense of self?  How do I do it?  Will I feel that pressure of marriage and dating and succumb?  Will the old feelings of rejection and isolation return?  I'm already starting to feel small and insignificant.  So much, that I scheduled an extra therapy session this week.  I need help.  I can't handle this by myself.