New Territory

Yesterday marked a big sobriety anniversary for me.  I didn't realize how anxious I was about it, but now that it's past, I'm feeling much calmer.  I remember an exchange I had with the wife of an addict once.  She was telling me that her husband had a sobriety anniversary approaching.  She was trying to be sensitive and ask him how he was feeling about it and if there was anything she could do to support him.  He totally downplayed it and made her feel like she was making a big deal out of nothing.  I told her he was lying.  I don't know an addict that doesn't keep very close track of their sobriety.  I also vowed I would never downplay something like that again.  I reached out to several people over the weekend to just release anxiety and feel supported.  It was extremely helpful.  And now it's past.  I'm into new sobriety territory.  I've never been sober this long since my mission in 1998.  Wow, 15 years. 

I have found the last few months that my internal dialog has shifted a bit.  When I feel triggered or stressed out, rather than say "I want to act out", I say "I don't want to act out, but I'm feeling these pulls into old patterns".  Acknowledging the differences has been a huge shift in my sobriety.  I don't want to act out.  I really don't.  But I do sometimes feel emotional pulls into old patterns that I know end in acting out.  It helps me calm down and try to pull apart what is going on for me emotionally.  It's been a good change.  I really good change. 

In three weeks I'll be moving.  As I looked for apartments and housing this past week, I was flooded with memories of the area.  I have some addiction memories -- but not many.  This area was not one where I did a lot of acting out.  However, the memories are emotionally painful to me.  This is the area where I started to feel rejected and isolated from society.  I returned to this area after my mission ready for a relationship.  And no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, no matter how much service and sacrifices I made, I couldn't get anything to work.  When I left two years later I discovered internet chat rooms and was in a full-blown addiction within weeks.  In some ways, I feel like I'm returning to the scene of a crime. 

As I've been reflecting on that the last week, I have been overwhelmed with feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.  I start to question my decisions... from what I'm wearing and how I do my hair, to whether I should be moving at all?  Maybe I should just stay here in my comfortable web of support and friendship.  How am I going to handle returning to this territory being a new person.  Will I be able to stay sober?  Will I be able to maintain my sense of self?  How do I do it?  Will I feel that pressure of marriage and dating and succumb?  Will the old feelings of rejection and isolation return?  I'm already starting to feel small and insignificant.  So much, that I scheduled an extra therapy session this week.  I need help.  I can't handle this by myself.