Clearing my brain

I'm sitting here in my office trying to work.  And it is just not working.  I'm giving myself 15 minutes to write and try to clear my brain -- then back to work.

Does it mean anything that the last two men I've fallen in love with have been ultimately unavailable?  Steve was unavailable emotionally.  The physical chemistry was intense, partly due to our sex addition issues.... but it was still there.  I tried and tired to have an emotional connection with him, and on some level I did.  Of course, it wasn't real because he was married and lying to me. 

Now I have the total opposite -- an intense emotional attraction and connection with a man who is physically unavailable to me.  Not only am I not really physically attracted to him -- but he's gay.  Even if I could get over my issues, he's still unavailable. 

I feel sad for him.  I've seen the pictures of women that he spends time with.  They travel together, become close, sometimes very close, and then ultimately she moves on leaving him alone time and time again.  He must hate it.  It must break his heart.  It must drive him to his knees time and time again wondering how he makes his way in the world.  It breaks my heart just thinking about it.  I've had similar feelings as I was passed over time and time again by my close LDS boy friends.  It's different, I know, but it's similar. 

I don't want to be the one that walks away again.  But I do want to get married and have a family.  Walking away from what I have with him is no guarantee that will happen.  I don't know what to do.  I need to slow down and let things happen organically.  I need to tell him how I feel about this whole thing.  I want him to know how much I feel for him and how much I empathize with him and his situation.  I want him to know I love him and am in love with him.  I want him to know all of that, and to let him know that I'm ok with what we have, if that is all he wants from me.  I'm willing to be content with that.  Am I just trying to emotionally dump?  Just trying to alleviate my own emotional anxiety by dumping the decisions onto him? 

Ok 15 minutes up.... back to work.