I have that desperate panicky feeling again. The one that indicated anything could set me off at any moment and I will lose my 90 day sobriety. It started this morning.....
I was woken up by my alarm in the middle of a sex dream so real, I honestly thought it was happening. When I woke up and realized it wasn't, I was grateful, yet aroused. I laid there for a second too long. Closed my eyes and hoped I would go back into my dream. When the images and feelings wouldn't come, I started to fantasize. That is where I broke boundary #1 - No self-initiated fantasy in my head. Then, I put a pillow between my legs and started thrusting against it. It's not masturbation if you're not touching yourself, right? Fortunately, that is where it ended. I woke up, shook my head, got out of bed and went to work.
The thoughts and feelings have plagued me all day. But tonight I'm choosing something different. I will read from my SA book, meditate, do some relaxation exercises, and remember why I am doing this. I don't have to give into the desperate feelings of lonliness and rejection. I can choose something different. I will choose something different.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Perfect
People think that I'm perfect. I'm constantly told how put together I am, how amazingly talented and how accomplished I am. But - I am not perfect.
For the last 12 years of my life I've been addicted to erotica, pornography, masturbation and phone sex. I feel inwardly desperate about the fact that I may never get married or have children. My dad just passed away from brain cancer and I have bad days where I cry most of the time. I think I'm slightly depressed and am not sure what to do about it. I attend Sexaholics Anonymous meeting weekly to stay sober and sane. I'm constantly running away from my feelings, even men I've dated say they never knew what I was feeling. I hold my entire family together, and feel an enormous amount of pressure to hold it together. I can't be broken or even have a bad day. My sister once called me the whore of our family. Why? because I had kissed three men in the last year. There is a rage that bubbles just below the surface, and I seem to barely be able to keep it in check. Sometimes, it's not in check.
I recently read a blog where someone said that people thing you have it put together if you do your hair, put on your make-up and show up in somewhat trendy clothes.
Thing is - I'm not perfect. No where near perfect!!
For the last 12 years of my life I've been addicted to erotica, pornography, masturbation and phone sex. I feel inwardly desperate about the fact that I may never get married or have children. My dad just passed away from brain cancer and I have bad days where I cry most of the time. I think I'm slightly depressed and am not sure what to do about it. I attend Sexaholics Anonymous meeting weekly to stay sober and sane. I'm constantly running away from my feelings, even men I've dated say they never knew what I was feeling. I hold my entire family together, and feel an enormous amount of pressure to hold it together. I can't be broken or even have a bad day. My sister once called me the whore of our family. Why? because I had kissed three men in the last year. There is a rage that bubbles just below the surface, and I seem to barely be able to keep it in check. Sometimes, it's not in check.
I recently read a blog where someone said that people thing you have it put together if you do your hair, put on your make-up and show up in somewhat trendy clothes.
Thing is - I'm not perfect. No where near perfect!!
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