Venting

I'm angry tonight.  All I want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep early.  Avoidance.  That's my tactic when I'm angry, overwhelmed, or feeling needy or lonely.  I'm all of the above, by the way.  So let's sort them out....


Angry:  I'm joined an addict therapy group three weeks ago.  I had a hugely negative reaction to one of the members the first week.  After a discussion with my therapist, I realized it is because she reminds me so much of my sister.  Well, after week two, I decided to engage with her over the group text.  I commented on some of her stuff and gave suggestions as well.  Everyone in group thought I was engaging in a positive way and that I made great suggestions.  I felt like I was doing alright.  The woman is highly manipulative with her emotions and outbursts.  Yesterday, it was brought up in group therapy that her texts are overwhelming and too much.  I didn't bring it up someone else did.  But I did comment about it.  After the session, she erupted on group chat with all sorts of negative things about each of us.  When I tried to respond she just said bullshit and whatever to everything I said.... so I disengaged and deleted myself from group chat.  She then text me directly with more comments about what a terrible person I am and on and on and on.  The thing is, I'm not angry about her behavior, yes, it was hurtful, but I'm not angry about it.  What I'm angry about it how worked I am about it.  I'm angry that it ate up my whole day and I felt crappy the entire day.  I'm angry that it makes me insecure and feel needy.  I'm angry that I feel lonely when things like this happen because I am alone.  I hate it.  I'm also angry that I feel a need to fix it.  Why am I the one that fixes everything over and over and over and over again.  When do people come to me to try and fix things?  NEVER.  I'm always the one who has to do the fixing.  I HATE being the fixer. 


Overwhelmed:  I'm overwhelmed by her.  I don't even know where to start to try and fix or how to make myself feel better.  I cried at physical therapy today.  Not because I was in pain, but because I can't keep it together.  I feel weak and vulnerable.  I feel like I'm not keeping up with anything.  I feel like everyone is secretly upset with me.  That's what I feel -- and it didn't come from this.  It came from Friday.  That is the only thing I can come up with.  Friday, there was a deadline for some slides for my board presentation tomorrow.  I didn't know about the deadline.  I had no idea.  And the woman in charge was upset with me about not getting the slides to her.  Everything is fine, my manager fixed it, he didn't know about the deadline either.  It's fine.... but I've been shaken ever since.  I thought I was keeping up with things and had things under control, and I didn't.  And it wasn't anything I did. I get that. But it is still has me worked up.  It's that old triggering feeling like someone is keeping secrets from me and wanting me to fail.  I don't do well with that.  It feels familiar and I hate it.  I also just have too much going on and am not doing a good job of keeping up with ANYTHING.  My house is a mess, I didn't do my homework for the finance class I'm doing with mom and Abbie, PCBS and Mike are not getting the attention they need.


Lonely:  I'm lonely.  I'm feeling needy and wanting lots of validation.  I'm tired of being in charge of everything and doing everything on my own.  I'm tired of living alone.  I'm tired of wanting to call and connect with someone in a personal way and yet not having anyone.  I want to escape into fantasy........ badly. 

My New Career

Last April, when I decided I was going to move to Utah, I started praying for a job.  I didn't want just any job, no sir.  I prayed specifically, that Heavenly Father would prepare a job for me at a company where I could contribute, where my talents would be appreciated, where I would fit in and be able to make a difference.  I prayed for good employers and a great working environment.  For months I said that prayer.




When I first moved, I explored jobs on the internet.  But when I made the decision to have hip surgery, I stopped looking.  However, that initial search introduced me to a local company that I was immediately interested in.  They had a position on their website that I wanted very badly.  However, with surgery and recovery, I didn't apply.




In November, when I finally decided it was time to look around, I sent in my cover letter and resume.  They called me the next day.  I walked out of the first interview, feeling fairly confident that the job was mine.  I actually enjoyed the interview.  It was fun.  The people seemed like people I wanted to work with.  They were passionate about what they did, yet relaxed and flexible.  They were kind and as we brainstormed for a few minutes about something, I could tell they were creative and open to ideas.  I loved it. 




The second interview, less than two weeks later, was not as fun.  These two Executive Vice Presidents were harder to please.  The interview went well, but I was less confident leaving the office.  I had an offer 10 days later and started December 13, 2013. 


Just over a month later, I am still loving every minute of my work.  I can't wait to go every day.  I have a hard time stopping at night.  The people I work with are fantastic.  They are passionate and make mistakes, but they are just good people.  Really good people.  This work is the perfect marriage of my skills and experience.  I'm able to contribute and am highly appreciated.  I fit in with this amazing group of educators and businessmen.  We really make a difference in education.  The company is amazing. 




My first day, I remember sitting in a meeting and looking around at all these amazingly talented, accomplished men and women.  I got a little misty-eyed as I thought to myself, "this is my new life". 


The position I have went on the website last April.  The same time I began praying.  I have been told they interviewed over 40 candidates for the position, yet they were in a position to wait until they found the right person.  That person is me. 




I'm incredibly blessed.  The Lord is good to me.  I can see myself at this job and with this company for the rest of my career.  The best part about it though, is that I feel worthy of it.  I'm not doubting my skills or abilities.  I don't worry about what they think of me or what I say or do.  The few times I have shown my insecurity, they look at me like it's uncharacteristic.  I love it. 

Back to writing.....

It's time to pick up writing again.  I have missed the outlet that writing is and the processing space that it gives me.  A number of significant things have happened since I last wrote.

December 2 I celebrated one full year of sobriety.  It feels good.  It feels really, really good.  Actually, it feels incredible.  I continue to be sober and work a rigorous program. I'm enjoying working with my sponsor and sponsoring.

December 13 I started a new job!  This job was made for me! Seriously.  When I decided to move to Utah, I started praying that Heavenly Father would prepare a job for me at a company where I could contribute and feel valued.  This job is amazing!  I have loved every minute of it.  I enjoy it so much!!

December 23rd was my dad's birthday, and December 30th was his death anniversary. It was harder than I expected.  I felt guilty missing my dad, like somehow I was being disloyal to my mom.

January 1 was the beginning of 2014.  My word for the year is Intentional.  I want to be more intentional about my life, my time, my money, my spirituality, my recovery, etc.  I've made some goals that I'm super excited about and have a great year outlined.

January 13 I turned 38 years old.  Thirty-eight!!! Hard to believe.  It was an uneventful day.  I enjoyed flying under the radar a little bit and being low key.  It was good.

I've learned a lot about myself the last few months and I am really grateful about that.  Things are good.

Answers

I've really been struggling the last few weeks with real shame around my body.  Shame is a dark place to be.... the longer I stay, the more distorted my thinking becomes.  When it gets that dark I don't leave the house, I don't get dressed or bother to do my hair.  I quit eating, thinking that starving myself thin is a viable option.  I don't respond to phone calls or text messages.  I troll the pages of Facebook, comparing myself to all of my amazing friends and feeling sorry for myself because I am alone without children.  Sometimes I cry for hours.  Other times I watch TV episodes one after another trying to numb the feelings I have going on inside me.

Yesterday was one of those days.  Having spent Friday afternoon/evening with my nephews and brothers, I woke up Saturday feeling lonely.  Rather than turn to fantasy.... which is what I used to do on Saturday mornings.... I grabbed my kindle and started watching a TV show.  Eight hours and I have no idea how many episodes later, I forced myself to turn it off.

It's time to figure this out.  It's time to dig deep and face the shame I have about being tall, having big hands, big feet and a big head.  It's time to figure out food and what it means to me.  It's time.

I've felt this way before, this determined before, this fed up before, and I want this time to be different.

I'm fasting today.  When I knelt down last night to start my fast with a prayer, I said those very things.  "It's time to figure this out, I pray for Thy help.  I know I've said this before but this time is different.  I don't know why. But it is." 

At church this morning, they pulled me last minute into Primary to play the piano.  What was today's lesson about?  "I Am Thankful for My Body".  Coincidence? No.  I quit believing in coincidence a long, long time ago.  Tears ran down my face as the teacher read this quote:

"Our bodies are the temples of our spirits.  Even thou we choose what to do with them while we are here on earth, we must remember that they are sacred because Heavenly Father created them.  President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Our bodies... are the tabernacles of our spirits.  He who is the Father of those spirits would have us build strength and virtue into these personal tabernacles."

"Satan is jealous of everyone who has a body, because he cannot have one.  He tempts us to ruin our body's purity by taking harmful substances or involving ourselves in addiction.  He even tempts us to be ashamed of our bodies -- to think that they aren't good enough, tall enough, strong enough, or pretty enough.  If we follow the Spirit, we will be able to build strength and virtue into our bodies, and we won't believe the devil's lies about them.  Heavenly Father is pleased with the earthly temples created for our spirits.  We must show reverence for our bodies and treat them as holy temples."
(My Body -- a Temple, Friend, May 2002)

Heavenly Father is not ashamed of me.  He is not ashamed of my body or appearance.  I believe that.  I know he's not ashamed of me.  I feel His spirit with me and feel his love and approval. 

Then why should I be ashamed of myself?  Why should I believe Satan's lies and give way to his thoughts within my own head? 

I love the quote by Pres. Hinckley -- build strength and virtue into these personal tabernacles.   What am I doing to build strength and virtue into my body?  I'm not sure -- but I'm going to start working on it.

I am again filled with gratitude for my Heavenly Father and Savior.  For the quick answers to prayer and fasting I received today.  I am constantly amazed at how quickly my reaching is met with loving words and a calm spirit. 

My first boyfriend

I've always known that my dad and I had issues.  We never got along like he did with my sisters.  He took me along to do all the work, but never played with me.  Our relationship was always strained.  He was always obsessed with my weight and dieting, suggesting I have weight loss surgery. 

In the past few weeks I've learned more about my dad than I probably ever wanted to know.  First it was that he cheated on my mom.  I got through that one.  But recently it was that he had a pornography problem. 

My first thought?  "That explains a lot.  I'm not pretty enough.  That is why he didn't like me." 

Seriously, that was my first thought.  How sad is that. 

During therapy today it was suggested that your dad is kind of like your first boyfriend.  From him you learn what kind of treatment you deserve, how men should speak to women from experience or from watching him speak to your mom, and even what relationships look like in general. 

Tears streamed down my face as my therapist described this analogy and related a story to me, because -- it's true.  Your dad is kind of like your first boyfriend. 

And these are the results of that in my life:

-- Every man I've dated has been an addict.  Two of which I met while acting out.  Three of which know nothing about my addiction, nor did I act out with them.  If given up a line-up of men, I seem to always pick the addict. 

-- Even the friends I choose have addiction in their lives.  T's husband has a serious porn addiction, L's battling her own food addiction, M has his own battle with sexuality, E has sexual abuse in her past and is not sexual anorexic.  You could say that addiction is just that common, and I believe that is true.  But seriously, I pick broken people without even knowing they're broken. 

-- Every sexual experience I have ever had has been addictive.

-- I started my addiction using sexuality to attract and retain men in my life because nothing else worked and I didn't feel attractive. 

-- I used sexuality as a solution to any argument or difference of opinion I had with men.

But I think the hardest ones to examine are how I feel because of what I learned from him:

-- I don't believe I am worthy of a relationship.  I don't feel like a man would ever choose to be with me for the rest of my life because of the way I look. 

When it comes down to it, I want a man to choose to be with me.  No man, ever in my life, has made that choice. 

I've tied all of this up in my appearance.  It's what I use as the reason and excuse that men don't choose me.  As I've been thinking about dating and have felt lonely recently, this has become a bigger issue than it was before. 

There is a John Mayer song -- "Daughters" -- that I've had a love/hate relationship with.  I enjoy the song, but remember someone once telling me how unrealistic it is.  But today, it has new meaning:

You see that sin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left, cleaning up the mess he made

My dad didn't physically leave our family, but emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually he left our family years and years ago.  My mom turned to me to fill the void and I became the family rescuer.  At 7 -- on a hike with the family, he took a nap and left me responsible for the 4 little kids at the lake.  At 8 -- he made me cut a fishing hook out of my brothers head because he couldn't handle blood.  At 9 -- I was responsible for cleaning the carpets with the big hot water machine.  At 13 -- I threw a paper route to support the family.  At 16 -- I wrote my dad's resume and cover letter for a job he wanted.  At 35 -- I moved home and took care of him until he died from cancer, changing his diapers, showering him, picking him up off the ground when he fell.  And now, at 37 -- I'm cleaning up after him again, trying to help my mom sort out the emotional mess he left with her, and my own emotional baggage. 

The major problem comes from the fact that he is my dad and not just a boyfriend.  I could break up with a boyfriend.  How do you break up with your dead father? 

Guilt vs. Shame

I read this on a blog today:

"I’m realizing just how powerful shame is. More than any other emotion, shame separates us from ourselves and from others. Guilt doesn’t do that. When I feel guilty about something I often work to make it right. But when I feel shame about something I work to hide it. That’s the difference. Shame wants to hide. Shame does not want to be seen or noticed. Shame becomes defensive and angry and resentful and bitter. It gnaws away at us and drives us deeper into the dark pit of despair, breeding feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness spiraling us to great depths of hiding. Shame convincingly tell us the lie that if we are seen and known we will not survive."

I love this definition of the differences between guilt and shame.  I've read a lot about shame and experienced a lot of shame.  I've already read a lot about guilt.  But I haven't succinctly seen the differences written out like this.

Guilt motivates me to change.  When I feel guilt about something, I work to make it right.

Shame motivates me to hide.  When I feel shame, I want to fall away into the darkness.

After reading this and the rest of the post -- which is awesome -- I thought about the things in my life that I am still hiding from and not changing. 

-- My food addiction / appearance issues

That is the major one..... of course I can think of many, many more.  But that is the one I know is holding me back right now.

I also know the only way to shed the shame is to talk about it and putting it out there on the internet on an anonymous blog, doesn't count.  You have to say it out loud to people who know you. 

It's interesting to me that I am willing to go to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting and talk about sex, masturbation, lust, pornography, etc., but I am too ashamed to say: I also have a food addiction.  The years I wasn't acting out sexually, I was acting out with food.  Sure, I've told some people about seeing a nutritional therapist.  But for whatever reason, there is still a large layer of shame around this food / appearance / body image issues.  I need to figure out how to break it down.

Why do I do this?  Why do I even write on this blog or write at all?  I'm not the poster child for recovery.  I struggle everyday.  Every. Single. Day.

Today's problems in random order:
Sleep:  I can't sleep.  Since surgery I've been trying to get back to some kind of regulated sleep pattern.  The harder I try, the worse it gets.  I'm exhausted.  I've two night of really crummy sleep.  I finally fall asleep around 2 or 3 in the morning and then sleep until 9 or 10, only perpetuating the problem.  Today, I had to get up because of therapy and I'm determined to keep myself up all day, no naps.   But I'm struggling.  I've lost control of my emotions and cry all the time.  Also - I struggle with fantasy in the middle of the night.  It's my go to drug to fall asleep.

M:  M text me last night and wants me to meet him in Cali for the weekend.  I want to go..... but I can't.  It's too triggering.  It's too much like weekends with Steve.  M and I don't have a physical relationship, and he is very safe for me usually.  But with this lack of sleep scenario and it being Cali, my old stomping ground, I can't go.  And I'm pissed about it. 

Money:  For a year now, I've lived on my savings account and a little income from consulting.  That money is running low.  I need to find a job and move on with my life.  I need to move into the next phase of my life.  I think I've keep hold of this position with my old company hoping that things would change I could go back.  That's not going to happen.  And honestly, now that I live in UT, if it did happen and they wanted me back, I wouldn't go.  I want to be here.  So I need to commit to being here and find a job. 

Looking for Work:  I HATE looking for work.  I hate putting myself out there for the possibility of rejection.  I hate it.  I hate the long shot that submitting resumes and applying for jobs is.  I just want to walk into the company I want to work for, demonstrate my skill set, talk to them for a few minutes to decide if I really want to work there and then get a job.  Why can't it be that way?  I want them to romance me and want me.  I just have a hard time with the process.

Food:  I hate food.  I hate eating.  I hate preparing food and planning food to eat.  I hate that it is this thing in my life that I'm struggling with.  It feels overwhelming.  I know I need to eat and because I don't plan well, I just end up eating whatever is around the house.  I know it's not right, but it's just this thing in my life that I'm struggling with.  I hate it.  I'm  hungry all the time and I'm scared to eat because I never eat the right thing.

Friends:  All my friends are back in WA and I miss them desperately. Making new friends is hard.  I don't want to do it.  Everyone has someone.  Everyone but me. 

Trapped:  I've been here before.  This isn't anything new.  I feel like I should be past these cycles already.  There is that word -- should -- I'm never in a good place when I start using that work. 

There is more...... But frankly, listing all the issues only make the issues bigger.  I get to a certain point where even listening to my own crap just bores me.  Blah blah blah, whine whine whine whine.  Stop it all ready.  Put on your big girl pants and do something about it.

So here is the plan:
Now - Make my bed, Start the laundry, Clean the Bathroom, Take a shower and get dressed
Next - Get something to eat including a large diet coke for the caffeine
Last - Go to the store:  food and Melatonin tablets

If anything else happens today -- then I'm awesome.  But right now these things have to happen.