Venting

I'm angry tonight.  All I want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep early.  Avoidance.  That's my tactic when I'm angry, overwhelmed, or feeling needy or lonely.  I'm all of the above, by the way.  So let's sort them out....


Angry:  I'm joined an addict therapy group three weeks ago.  I had a hugely negative reaction to one of the members the first week.  After a discussion with my therapist, I realized it is because she reminds me so much of my sister.  Well, after week two, I decided to engage with her over the group text.  I commented on some of her stuff and gave suggestions as well.  Everyone in group thought I was engaging in a positive way and that I made great suggestions.  I felt like I was doing alright.  The woman is highly manipulative with her emotions and outbursts.  Yesterday, it was brought up in group therapy that her texts are overwhelming and too much.  I didn't bring it up someone else did.  But I did comment about it.  After the session, she erupted on group chat with all sorts of negative things about each of us.  When I tried to respond she just said bullshit and whatever to everything I said.... so I disengaged and deleted myself from group chat.  She then text me directly with more comments about what a terrible person I am and on and on and on.  The thing is, I'm not angry about her behavior, yes, it was hurtful, but I'm not angry about it.  What I'm angry about it how worked I am about it.  I'm angry that it ate up my whole day and I felt crappy the entire day.  I'm angry that it makes me insecure and feel needy.  I'm angry that I feel lonely when things like this happen because I am alone.  I hate it.  I'm also angry that I feel a need to fix it.  Why am I the one that fixes everything over and over and over and over again.  When do people come to me to try and fix things?  NEVER.  I'm always the one who has to do the fixing.  I HATE being the fixer. 


Overwhelmed:  I'm overwhelmed by her.  I don't even know where to start to try and fix or how to make myself feel better.  I cried at physical therapy today.  Not because I was in pain, but because I can't keep it together.  I feel weak and vulnerable.  I feel like I'm not keeping up with anything.  I feel like everyone is secretly upset with me.  That's what I feel -- and it didn't come from this.  It came from Friday.  That is the only thing I can come up with.  Friday, there was a deadline for some slides for my board presentation tomorrow.  I didn't know about the deadline.  I had no idea.  And the woman in charge was upset with me about not getting the slides to her.  Everything is fine, my manager fixed it, he didn't know about the deadline either.  It's fine.... but I've been shaken ever since.  I thought I was keeping up with things and had things under control, and I didn't.  And it wasn't anything I did. I get that. But it is still has me worked up.  It's that old triggering feeling like someone is keeping secrets from me and wanting me to fail.  I don't do well with that.  It feels familiar and I hate it.  I also just have too much going on and am not doing a good job of keeping up with ANYTHING.  My house is a mess, I didn't do my homework for the finance class I'm doing with mom and Abbie, PCBS and Mike are not getting the attention they need.


Lonely:  I'm lonely.  I'm feeling needy and wanting lots of validation.  I'm tired of being in charge of everything and doing everything on my own.  I'm tired of living alone.  I'm tired of wanting to call and connect with someone in a personal way and yet not having anyone.  I want to escape into fantasy........ badly. 

My New Career

Last April, when I decided I was going to move to Utah, I started praying for a job.  I didn't want just any job, no sir.  I prayed specifically, that Heavenly Father would prepare a job for me at a company where I could contribute, where my talents would be appreciated, where I would fit in and be able to make a difference.  I prayed for good employers and a great working environment.  For months I said that prayer.




When I first moved, I explored jobs on the internet.  But when I made the decision to have hip surgery, I stopped looking.  However, that initial search introduced me to a local company that I was immediately interested in.  They had a position on their website that I wanted very badly.  However, with surgery and recovery, I didn't apply.




In November, when I finally decided it was time to look around, I sent in my cover letter and resume.  They called me the next day.  I walked out of the first interview, feeling fairly confident that the job was mine.  I actually enjoyed the interview.  It was fun.  The people seemed like people I wanted to work with.  They were passionate about what they did, yet relaxed and flexible.  They were kind and as we brainstormed for a few minutes about something, I could tell they were creative and open to ideas.  I loved it. 




The second interview, less than two weeks later, was not as fun.  These two Executive Vice Presidents were harder to please.  The interview went well, but I was less confident leaving the office.  I had an offer 10 days later and started December 13, 2013. 


Just over a month later, I am still loving every minute of my work.  I can't wait to go every day.  I have a hard time stopping at night.  The people I work with are fantastic.  They are passionate and make mistakes, but they are just good people.  Really good people.  This work is the perfect marriage of my skills and experience.  I'm able to contribute and am highly appreciated.  I fit in with this amazing group of educators and businessmen.  We really make a difference in education.  The company is amazing. 




My first day, I remember sitting in a meeting and looking around at all these amazingly talented, accomplished men and women.  I got a little misty-eyed as I thought to myself, "this is my new life". 


The position I have went on the website last April.  The same time I began praying.  I have been told they interviewed over 40 candidates for the position, yet they were in a position to wait until they found the right person.  That person is me. 




I'm incredibly blessed.  The Lord is good to me.  I can see myself at this job and with this company for the rest of my career.  The best part about it though, is that I feel worthy of it.  I'm not doubting my skills or abilities.  I don't worry about what they think of me or what I say or do.  The few times I have shown my insecurity, they look at me like it's uncharacteristic.  I love it. 

Back to writing.....

It's time to pick up writing again.  I have missed the outlet that writing is and the processing space that it gives me.  A number of significant things have happened since I last wrote.

December 2 I celebrated one full year of sobriety.  It feels good.  It feels really, really good.  Actually, it feels incredible.  I continue to be sober and work a rigorous program. I'm enjoying working with my sponsor and sponsoring.

December 13 I started a new job!  This job was made for me! Seriously.  When I decided to move to Utah, I started praying that Heavenly Father would prepare a job for me at a company where I could contribute and feel valued.  This job is amazing!  I have loved every minute of it.  I enjoy it so much!!

December 23rd was my dad's birthday, and December 30th was his death anniversary. It was harder than I expected.  I felt guilty missing my dad, like somehow I was being disloyal to my mom.

January 1 was the beginning of 2014.  My word for the year is Intentional.  I want to be more intentional about my life, my time, my money, my spirituality, my recovery, etc.  I've made some goals that I'm super excited about and have a great year outlined.

January 13 I turned 38 years old.  Thirty-eight!!! Hard to believe.  It was an uneventful day.  I enjoyed flying under the radar a little bit and being low key.  It was good.

I've learned a lot about myself the last few months and I am really grateful about that.  Things are good.