Venting

I'm angry tonight.  All I want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep early.  Avoidance.  That's my tactic when I'm angry, overwhelmed, or feeling needy or lonely.  I'm all of the above, by the way.  So let's sort them out....


Angry:  I'm joined an addict therapy group three weeks ago.  I had a hugely negative reaction to one of the members the first week.  After a discussion with my therapist, I realized it is because she reminds me so much of my sister.  Well, after week two, I decided to engage with her over the group text.  I commented on some of her stuff and gave suggestions as well.  Everyone in group thought I was engaging in a positive way and that I made great suggestions.  I felt like I was doing alright.  The woman is highly manipulative with her emotions and outbursts.  Yesterday, it was brought up in group therapy that her texts are overwhelming and too much.  I didn't bring it up someone else did.  But I did comment about it.  After the session, she erupted on group chat with all sorts of negative things about each of us.  When I tried to respond she just said bullshit and whatever to everything I said.... so I disengaged and deleted myself from group chat.  She then text me directly with more comments about what a terrible person I am and on and on and on.  The thing is, I'm not angry about her behavior, yes, it was hurtful, but I'm not angry about it.  What I'm angry about it how worked I am about it.  I'm angry that it ate up my whole day and I felt crappy the entire day.  I'm angry that it makes me insecure and feel needy.  I'm angry that I feel lonely when things like this happen because I am alone.  I hate it.  I'm also angry that I feel a need to fix it.  Why am I the one that fixes everything over and over and over and over again.  When do people come to me to try and fix things?  NEVER.  I'm always the one who has to do the fixing.  I HATE being the fixer. 


Overwhelmed:  I'm overwhelmed by her.  I don't even know where to start to try and fix or how to make myself feel better.  I cried at physical therapy today.  Not because I was in pain, but because I can't keep it together.  I feel weak and vulnerable.  I feel like I'm not keeping up with anything.  I feel like everyone is secretly upset with me.  That's what I feel -- and it didn't come from this.  It came from Friday.  That is the only thing I can come up with.  Friday, there was a deadline for some slides for my board presentation tomorrow.  I didn't know about the deadline.  I had no idea.  And the woman in charge was upset with me about not getting the slides to her.  Everything is fine, my manager fixed it, he didn't know about the deadline either.  It's fine.... but I've been shaken ever since.  I thought I was keeping up with things and had things under control, and I didn't.  And it wasn't anything I did. I get that. But it is still has me worked up.  It's that old triggering feeling like someone is keeping secrets from me and wanting me to fail.  I don't do well with that.  It feels familiar and I hate it.  I also just have too much going on and am not doing a good job of keeping up with ANYTHING.  My house is a mess, I didn't do my homework for the finance class I'm doing with mom and Abbie, PCBS and Mike are not getting the attention they need.


Lonely:  I'm lonely.  I'm feeling needy and wanting lots of validation.  I'm tired of being in charge of everything and doing everything on my own.  I'm tired of living alone.  I'm tired of wanting to call and connect with someone in a personal way and yet not having anyone.  I want to escape into fantasy........ badly.