A year ago today, my father passed away.
It had been a really long week. The previous Friday had been his birthday. It was the last day he left his room in the wheelchair. It was a sad day. Then Sunday was Christmas. All 11 adults and 5 little nephews crammed into my parents little 2 bedroom apartment trying to enjoy each other and open presents. It was a nice day, but it was hard as well. Dad stayed in his room that day. We took turns sitting with him and spending time with him. He was awake, but preferred sleeping to anything.
Monday or Tuesday he stopped eating. Tuesday he started groaning and grunting. It was hard to listen to. He was sometimes coherent and sometimes not. Wednesday was the last time he spoke. Wednesday night was horrible. Mom cried all night as he groaned and grunted. Thursday was worse. After the hospice nurse visited on Thursday, I called all my siblings and told them they expected him to pass within a few days. They seemed shocked, but I really wanted him to go at that point in time.
Friday, the day he passed, mom left for about 3 hours in the middle of the day. She couldn't listen to him anymore and had to get out of the house. She came back in the late afternoon. By then he had settled down and was breathing slowly and steadily. Two of my brothers came over with their wives and we sat in my dads room laughing and talking. Once they showed up, he really started to breath slower. We talked and laughed and cried together. We held his hand, talked to him and told stories of the good times. The minutes between breaths became longer and finally about 8:30, he took his last breath and slipped from this world.
One of my brothers is a paramedic for the fire department. He couldn't stop talking about how peaceful and calm it was. Usually, when he sees death, it is amidst tragedy. He is pulling away a family member, trying to treat them, and leaving their loved ones behind, asking them to leave the room even. Dad's passing wasn't like that. It was peaceful and beautiful. I don't know if I have ever seen a dead body before that night. I can't remember seeing one. But there was a real physical change when he passed away. I could feel his presence gone. It felt like he waited for us all to be there before going.
Those were sacred days. I feel the spirit now even as I write about them. If ever I had a doubt that Heavenly Father was aware of my every need, all I have to do is remember those few weeks surrounding my dad's death.
There was a magic window of ideal time for him to pass away. Not that you ever want someone to pass away, but if he was going to, there was an ideal time. On his birthday that year, he turned 62. If my dad passed away at 62 or later, my mom would be eligible for a much larger death benefit than if he died earlier. He needed to die after Dec. 23rd. But also, because of my dad's cancer, their catastrophic insurance had kicked in. All of my dad's care was free at that point of time. If his life continued into the new year, into 2012, we would have another $25,000 out of pocket expenses. My family couldn't afford that. So he needed to die before Jan. 1. And so, the Lord took him on Dec. 30th. Could it have been anymore perfect? Could there be any doubt that Heavenly Father was aware of our needs?
That night, when the men from the funeral home arrived to take his body, I felt extremely grateful. Grateful for the life he led, grateful to be his daughter. grateful to have taken care of him for the last two months of his life, grateful for his example, and grateful that it was over. Cancer is a horrible, terrible disease. I hate it. Watching him slowly whither away and die, was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. I was grateful the experience was at an end.
The spirit that attended me the next several weeks was amazing. Somehow, I organized a funeral, put together the program, wrote a talk, and hugged all my family and friends that came to visit. Childhood friends shows up to offer support and love. Flowers from my employer, from friends, from family continually poured into the house. I found a box in the garage labeled "Dad's Stuff", in his amazing straight block handwriting. In it, I found the things that were most dear to him. Every letter he wrote or received on his mission. A stack of poetry my dad had written. I didn't even know he was a poet. My favorite was a poem he wrote about his brother Corey who died while he was on his mission. He would never talk about death, even while dying. But here in black and yellow (they are all on yellow lined paper) was his testimony of the atonement and the resurrection. Also in there were, his boy scout uniform from when he was a scout, as well as his eagle paperwork and every merit badge he ever earned. I felt more connected to my dad in death than I did in life.
In the box, I also found every letter my mom had ever written to him, starting back when they were first married. Reading those letters helped me forgive my dad more than anything else. My mom is amazing. Totally, completely amazing. But she was emotional and immature and the daughter of an alcoholic. I started to realize, as I read those letters, that all of the things I was upset with my dad about was really years of him responding to her set of issues. Not that he didn't have his own, but for the first time, I really got a glimpse of the issues between them and what was going on. Forgiveness came easily when I understood what was going on.
The funeral day was a long one. We started early with a viewing and hugged and talked to so many wonderful people who came to show support. One of my favorite moments of the day was with my nephew. He walked up to the casket, put his chin on the edge and stroked my dads face over and over again. It was just such a tender moment. A dear friend of the family, he practically grew up at our house, flew in just for the funeral. He flew in and flew out the same day. I couldn't believe the number of people that came and showed their support. It was truly amazing. I didn't cry most of the day. I felt cried out. It was a beautiful funeral. Probably the best I've been to. And I don't just say that because I spoke, I say that because it was truly a celebration of his life and not just a sad time. Something I learned at the funeral, since my brother left on his mission in 1996, my dad has supported a full time missionary every month of his life. I didn't even know that.
Within a few days, my mom had completely re-arranged the house, and all of his equipment was gone. It was strange, but good. I knew I needed to go home and move on as well. And I did. After 10 weeks taking care of my dad 24/7, I needed to get back to life. It was good but sad at the same time. I didn't want to forget him or not have him be a daily part of my life. I wanted to honor him and love him. I took a few pictures I found of him on his mission and framed them. He always said that was some of the happiest times of his life. I knew he would be happy in heaven, able to share the gospel and be a missionary. I framed the pictures and put them on my dresser so I could look at them every day and remember how happy he is. I shouldn't be sad because he is not. I can guarantee that.
The year has been difficult for many reasons. My birthday was hard. He always called, every year and sang to me on my birthday. I cried all morning, waiting for the phone call I knew would never come. Valentines Day came and went with no flowers from my dad. Father's Day, July Fourth, his favorite holiday, his Wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. The year of "firsts" is over. New Year's Day will mark the beginning of the year of "seconds". I'm hoping this year will be a little easier.
I know my dad still lives. I know he watches over me. I know he will one day be resurrected and I will be able to see him again. I know that.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Home
Oh blog, how I've missed you. It was difficult to find 10 seconds to myself in while visiting my family, let alone enough time to write. My head and heart are so full tonight and I need to process.
The visit overall went well. I flew in on Monday and spent the day with my mom and sisters. It was a little bit harder than I anticipated. Going to stay at your brothers house is not the same as going to stay at your parents house.
Mom: Mom has a room and bathroom to herself and some of her own space, which I know she really appreciates, but it's not the same as having your own house. She's struggling with it. She's struggling with many things, I think. She looks really, really tired. She cries at the drop of a hat. Two of my brothers said they feel like they can never do anything right for her. She is having a hard time. She's struggling financially as well. I had a good talk with her and asked her point blank if she would consider therapy and counseling. I told her I've watched death and loss consume some of my friends and wanted to be sure that didn't happen to her. She said she didn't need it and was doing fine. Overall, I had a good time with her, better than I anticipated. She is a victim, she plays that role well and it's hard to watch. She doesn't take care of herself and is struggling with her health. She said several times how much she misses me and asked if/when I was going to move closer to home. Oh mom, sometimes I want nothing more than to live closer to family. But sometimes, I know I can't. I'm so conflicted about that.
Christmas: Christmas was good. I only got two presents, one from mom and one from my sister-in-law. We spent the day together as a family. I tried to go get hamburgers to honor my dad, but no place was open. No one talked about dad. It was disturbing to me. I tried to do the things I needed to remember and honor him while still allowing others to be where they are in the grieving process. I think I did a good job. I missed him. I missed him very badly. Overall, it was a good day.
Family: There were moments, but overall it was good. At one point in time I told my sister and brother, I wasn't going to talk anymore if they were going to keep attacking me every time I spoke. They gave me weird looks, but stopped. Seriously, we need to learn some emotional skills in my family. It was difficult to be in the home of my brother and sister-in-law who are struggling with their marriage. My brother would benefit so much from some help and she seriously needs to learn to stop being so co-dependent.
Drive Home: My sister and I drove home yesterday. We spent 13 hours in the car together. We hardly spoke. I've learned that she waits for me to talk. She waits for me to bring anything up or to start conversation. I never want to talk because I can't handle a conversation with her. I can't handle her negativity, rudeness, critical nature and narrow point of view. Conversation with her is hard. Plus, I'm always afraid that anything I say will set her off and she'll go crying to her room. I don't want to deal with it -- so I don't. I just don't talk or even try to. I don't like it. I don't like that we don't talk, yet I don't want to do anything about it. I want to run away and move out and not work on it. It's too hard.
Home: I thought I would be happy to be home, but I'm not. I miss my family already. I miss my nephews and my niece. I miss my brothers and my mom. I miss the mountains of home and the snow. I feel very conflicted. I didn't feel like I lost myself while I was home, like I usually do. I felt more authentic than I normally do with them. I miss them. For the first time in the 5 years I've lived here, I feel like leaving. The thought of leaving my ward doesn't paralyze me. The thought of getting out of the rain and grey actually makes me happy. I've always wanted to live closer to my family. Could I actually make that work? But then I think of leaving my therapist, my SA group, my friends, my house and I think, no way. I don't know. Conflicted.
The visit overall went well. I flew in on Monday and spent the day with my mom and sisters. It was a little bit harder than I anticipated. Going to stay at your brothers house is not the same as going to stay at your parents house.
Mom: Mom has a room and bathroom to herself and some of her own space, which I know she really appreciates, but it's not the same as having your own house. She's struggling with it. She's struggling with many things, I think. She looks really, really tired. She cries at the drop of a hat. Two of my brothers said they feel like they can never do anything right for her. She is having a hard time. She's struggling financially as well. I had a good talk with her and asked her point blank if she would consider therapy and counseling. I told her I've watched death and loss consume some of my friends and wanted to be sure that didn't happen to her. She said she didn't need it and was doing fine. Overall, I had a good time with her, better than I anticipated. She is a victim, she plays that role well and it's hard to watch. She doesn't take care of herself and is struggling with her health. She said several times how much she misses me and asked if/when I was going to move closer to home. Oh mom, sometimes I want nothing more than to live closer to family. But sometimes, I know I can't. I'm so conflicted about that.
Christmas: Christmas was good. I only got two presents, one from mom and one from my sister-in-law. We spent the day together as a family. I tried to go get hamburgers to honor my dad, but no place was open. No one talked about dad. It was disturbing to me. I tried to do the things I needed to remember and honor him while still allowing others to be where they are in the grieving process. I think I did a good job. I missed him. I missed him very badly. Overall, it was a good day.
Family: There were moments, but overall it was good. At one point in time I told my sister and brother, I wasn't going to talk anymore if they were going to keep attacking me every time I spoke. They gave me weird looks, but stopped. Seriously, we need to learn some emotional skills in my family. It was difficult to be in the home of my brother and sister-in-law who are struggling with their marriage. My brother would benefit so much from some help and she seriously needs to learn to stop being so co-dependent.
Drive Home: My sister and I drove home yesterday. We spent 13 hours in the car together. We hardly spoke. I've learned that she waits for me to talk. She waits for me to bring anything up or to start conversation. I never want to talk because I can't handle a conversation with her. I can't handle her negativity, rudeness, critical nature and narrow point of view. Conversation with her is hard. Plus, I'm always afraid that anything I say will set her off and she'll go crying to her room. I don't want to deal with it -- so I don't. I just don't talk or even try to. I don't like it. I don't like that we don't talk, yet I don't want to do anything about it. I want to run away and move out and not work on it. It's too hard.
Home: I thought I would be happy to be home, but I'm not. I miss my family already. I miss my nephews and my niece. I miss my brothers and my mom. I miss the mountains of home and the snow. I feel very conflicted. I didn't feel like I lost myself while I was home, like I usually do. I felt more authentic than I normally do with them. I miss them. For the first time in the 5 years I've lived here, I feel like leaving. The thought of leaving my ward doesn't paralyze me. The thought of getting out of the rain and grey actually makes me happy. I've always wanted to live closer to my family. Could I actually make that work? But then I think of leaving my therapist, my SA group, my friends, my house and I think, no way. I don't know. Conflicted.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Birthday
Today is my dad's 63rd birthday. Do you think they celebrate birthdays in heaven? Probably not. They probably don't keep track of age either. I'm not sure how I feel about that -- I like my birthday.
Anyway.... today would have been my dad's 63rd birthday. During the last 6 weeks of his life, as the life drained from him and he began dying, I lived with him and took care of him 24/7. I have some very fond and some very horrible memories from that time. But I have no regrets.
Overall, it's been a good day. I bought a case of Reeses Peanut Butter cups from Amazon last week. I handed them out to everyone today in honor of my dad. They were his absolute favorite candy. His favorite foods were Reeses, Breakfast Burritos from McDonald's, Baconators from Wendy's, the special hamburger with the fried egg on it from Red Robin, Chocolate Cake Donuts with Chocolate frosting, toasted PB&J, bananas, meatloaf, and anything washed down with Diet Coke. Everyone goes with Diet Coke, he told me on countless occasions. He hated cheese. I always remember that.
As his birthday present this year, I bought and donated two flocks of chickens through Heifer International (www.heifer.org). The three things that meant the most to my dad were family, animals and self-reliance. This amazing organization donates animals to families in developing countries to allow them to be more self-reliant and earn a living. I thought it was the perfect thing to honor the heritage he left me. It was fun to do and helped me feel close to him.
One of the things I found just after his passing, was a stack of index cards, with a whole punched in the corner on a ring. They had scriptures printed out in my dad's incredibly straight, block hand writing. I love looking at them and reading through them. I believe he wrote them on his mission and probably memorized them. I had a similar stack from my mission. I cherish them. Mostly because through them, I have connected to his testimony of the gospel and of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
Anyway.... today would have been my dad's 63rd birthday. During the last 6 weeks of his life, as the life drained from him and he began dying, I lived with him and took care of him 24/7. I have some very fond and some very horrible memories from that time. But I have no regrets.
Overall, it's been a good day. I bought a case of Reeses Peanut Butter cups from Amazon last week. I handed them out to everyone today in honor of my dad. They were his absolute favorite candy. His favorite foods were Reeses, Breakfast Burritos from McDonald's, Baconators from Wendy's, the special hamburger with the fried egg on it from Red Robin, Chocolate Cake Donuts with Chocolate frosting, toasted PB&J, bananas, meatloaf, and anything washed down with Diet Coke. Everyone goes with Diet Coke, he told me on countless occasions. He hated cheese. I always remember that.
As his birthday present this year, I bought and donated two flocks of chickens through Heifer International (www.heifer.org). The three things that meant the most to my dad were family, animals and self-reliance. This amazing organization donates animals to families in developing countries to allow them to be more self-reliant and earn a living. I thought it was the perfect thing to honor the heritage he left me. It was fun to do and helped me feel close to him.
One of the things I found just after his passing, was a stack of index cards, with a whole punched in the corner on a ring. They had scriptures printed out in my dad's incredibly straight, block hand writing. I love looking at them and reading through them. I believe he wrote them on his mission and probably memorized them. I had a similar stack from my mission. I cherish them. Mostly because through them, I have connected to his testimony of the gospel and of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
In the April 2012 General Conference, Elder Scott quoted President Joseph F. Smith: "We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors... who have preceded us into the spirit world. We cannot forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. Those... who have gone beyond.. can see us better than we can see them; We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever... their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves."
I believe that. I believe that those who have gone on before me watch over me and have had experiences to confirm that. I will not forget him. I will not cease to love him. I will continue to keep him as part of my life.
I love you dad. Happy Birthday!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Write
I know there is something serious going on in my subconscious when I stop writing. All emotion is overwhelming to me. If I'm not processing, I'm running. And running usually results in acting out. I process by writing. I can do all the thinking and talking I want, but it's almost like it's not real or meaningful if it's not written down somewhere.
The crying today started at my morning SA meeting. There were only 5 of us, the smallest group I've ever seen at that meeting. Four of the five are LDS. When that reality sets in, I'm always amazed. Within the church we tend to raise a bunch of co-dependents. I digress... I don't really want to analyze church culture. The meeting was good and the shares were really insightful and helpful. This sentence leaped off the page at me during our reading: Indeed, lust was slowly eating away at my capacity to relate on any level with those who really cared for me. That one sentence explains the last 10 years of my life.
After the meeting, I came home and took a nap. I haven't slept much for the past three nights, so it was good to lay there and just enjoy some needed sleep. I got up, got dressed and went to therapy. I started crying nearly the moment I sat down and didn't stop for an entire hour. My eyes were burning by the time I left. The weekly reality check that reminds me that I'm not crazy, that my emotions are normal, that I'm making progress, that I'm dealing with things in a healthy way is a necessity in my life. I can't go a week without it. Last year when I decided to get help, I knew I was going to need an amazing therapist. I checked out the webpage of this clinic thinking I was going to see one of the women therapist. When I saw the picture of my therapist, I had a spiritual confirmation that he was "the one". I called and left a message with probably way more details than he needed, but I knew if I didn't say the words "sexual addiction" right then, when I had the courage, I would never say them. I owe my life to my therapist. He has laughed and cried with me. Today he even said he was having "anticipatory anxiety" (say that 10 times fast) for me going home this next week for Christmas. Last year, during this time, we were doing therapy by phone. I would call once, sometimes twice a week and cry into the phone about everything going on in my life. He was my rock. I emailed him when my dad passed and he helped me get through. I am go grateful for him in my life.
The last few weeks I've felt differently about my life. I look at the people in my life who know about my addiction and know my story and how incredibly kind and accepting them are and I am encouraged. A few days ago I even had the thought that maybe, just maybe, I could have a relationship. Maybe I could find someone to date, someone who could be understanding and who could love me and all my baggage. I've started to feel a little more worthy of that recently as well. We all come with baggage. At least I know about mine and am dealing with it. That's more than most. I'm starting to feel more authentic, more real. I'm starting to feel comfortable with who I am, how I act, and what I say. Life is not so scary anymore. I don't really fear being alone anymore. I may never get married, but I am not, nor will I ever be alone.
Then I sat and watched two super cheesy Christmas movies tonight. Christmas movies are one of my favorite parts of December. I cried through both of them. It felt good to cry.
I've got to keep writing..... I've got to process. Going to bed now.
The crying today started at my morning SA meeting. There were only 5 of us, the smallest group I've ever seen at that meeting. Four of the five are LDS. When that reality sets in, I'm always amazed. Within the church we tend to raise a bunch of co-dependents. I digress... I don't really want to analyze church culture. The meeting was good and the shares were really insightful and helpful. This sentence leaped off the page at me during our reading: Indeed, lust was slowly eating away at my capacity to relate on any level with those who really cared for me. That one sentence explains the last 10 years of my life.
After the meeting, I came home and took a nap. I haven't slept much for the past three nights, so it was good to lay there and just enjoy some needed sleep. I got up, got dressed and went to therapy. I started crying nearly the moment I sat down and didn't stop for an entire hour. My eyes were burning by the time I left. The weekly reality check that reminds me that I'm not crazy, that my emotions are normal, that I'm making progress, that I'm dealing with things in a healthy way is a necessity in my life. I can't go a week without it. Last year when I decided to get help, I knew I was going to need an amazing therapist. I checked out the webpage of this clinic thinking I was going to see one of the women therapist. When I saw the picture of my therapist, I had a spiritual confirmation that he was "the one". I called and left a message with probably way more details than he needed, but I knew if I didn't say the words "sexual addiction" right then, when I had the courage, I would never say them. I owe my life to my therapist. He has laughed and cried with me. Today he even said he was having "anticipatory anxiety" (say that 10 times fast) for me going home this next week for Christmas. Last year, during this time, we were doing therapy by phone. I would call once, sometimes twice a week and cry into the phone about everything going on in my life. He was my rock. I emailed him when my dad passed and he helped me get through. I am go grateful for him in my life.
The last few weeks I've felt differently about my life. I look at the people in my life who know about my addiction and know my story and how incredibly kind and accepting them are and I am encouraged. A few days ago I even had the thought that maybe, just maybe, I could have a relationship. Maybe I could find someone to date, someone who could be understanding and who could love me and all my baggage. I've started to feel a little more worthy of that recently as well. We all come with baggage. At least I know about mine and am dealing with it. That's more than most. I'm starting to feel more authentic, more real. I'm starting to feel comfortable with who I am, how I act, and what I say. Life is not so scary anymore. I don't really fear being alone anymore. I may never get married, but I am not, nor will I ever be alone.
Then I sat and watched two super cheesy Christmas movies tonight. Christmas movies are one of my favorite parts of December. I cried through both of them. It felt good to cry.
I've got to keep writing..... I've got to process. Going to bed now.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Depths
My friend posted this on Facebook today. I'm not a big Facebooker, but I liked this. I have known trials, struggles, loss and am just finding my way out of the depths.
This month has been deep. Last year, I spent November and December at my parents house out of state and took care of my dad until he passed away on December 30, 2011. I find myself oscillating between deep sadness and real gratitude. I miss him, I love him, and then some moments, I'm glad he's gone.
I can tell I'm missing him, when I eat PB&J sandwiches for days on end. The last few weeks of his life that is all he would eat. Or when I randomly order 6 cases of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups from Amazon (did that last week) simply because they were on sale. They remind me of my dad. Sometimes, random thoughts come into my head like, "you need a chocolate donut". I know that's my dad. I don't even like chocolate donuts.
My dad and I never had the best of relationships for many reasons. But when it comes down to it, he was a great dad. He did everything he knew how to do. I can't hold him accountable for things he didn't know how to handle.
Last week, for the first time since his passing, I really wanted a priesthood blessing. I've had so much going on lately and feel so very overwhelmed. I've had several blessings from worthy men other than my father. Probably because I couldn't have one from him, I wanted one so badly.
I absolutely know I will see him again. And I know that day will be wonderful.
In the mean time, I miss him.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Feelings
The need to write is strong in me right now, but I don't really know what is pushing it. I'll try my feelings check in and see if that sparks anything.Shame: I went to the theater with some friends again last night. I went with my gay friend who knows about my sex addiction. It was nice because we both got really dressed up, went to dinner and then to the theater. In some ways, it was less triggering than the last time I went a few weeks ago, but in some ways it was more. When I find myself in situations where I see men that are attractive to me, I find myself almost instantly in sexual fantasy about them. I didn't do that before, at least that I remember. It's disturbing to me. I felt shameful about it last night. It's also frustrating because it's arousing as well. I really enjoyed myself last night though. It was a good time.
Guilt: I don't feel guilty, just overwhelmed. When I get too overwhelmed, I start to feel guilty and start a negative dialog like.... why didn't you manage your time better? why are you so slow at things? etc. etc. Then I talk myself into feeling guilty.
Fear: I've been working with several other musicians and artists in preparing a Christmas program for church as well as preparation for the youth production I'm directing next spring. I have found myself over and over again doubting my own abilities. I'm constantly telling myself that they are better than me and that they won't like what I have to say or how I do things. I'm going to be working with some really talented musicians in the next 6 months and that scares me. What if they don't like what I've done?
Anger: During Primary today a woman came in and tried to have an in depth discussion with me about several things coming up for the ward. I was really frustrated with her interrupting Primary or trying to talk to me while we're trying to keep the kids reverent. I'm not ok with that. I could feel myself getting really angry with her. Finally I just said, can we do this after Primary? She was annoyed, I could tell. I was proud of myself for standing up for my feelings -- but also angry at her reaction. She went ahead and stayed there with her crying baby, causing a disturbance and wrote down what she wanted to tell me. It's little things like this that I have allowed to drive wedges in friendships before, which I recognize is not good. I need to let the whole thing go.
Pain: I haven't been to physical therapy for three weeks. My insurance changed and it's super expensive to go. My hip is in a lot of pain. I need to just bite the bullet and go. I will call and make an appointment tomorrow.
Loneliness: I'm feeling needy today. Lonely, but more than just lonely. I'm feeling emotionally needy. I need to explain to someone everything going on in my life and have them tell me that it's ok. I used to call Steve sometimes and say, "This is what you need to tell me....." I'd go on and explain exactly what I needed to hear in detail. He was really good at repeating it back in a very encouraging tone that made it sound like it was his own words. Wow -- I just realized how healthy that probably was. I knew what I needed, I called and told someone what I needed and asked for it. I don't do that with anyone else. For some reason, it felt safe with him. One day, I will find someone else with whom it feels safe.
Joy: My meeting with the stake youth committee went incredibly well this morning. I was up until 1am preparing for it. I wasn't sure exactly what to do, how to do it, and really wanted to get the youth excited and involved. I prayed about it all night while preparing and this morning over and over again before the meeting. It went better than I imagined it would. I'm feel joyful about it. I'm incredibly excited to be doing this production.
Passion: I see the word passion and I think -- I don't want to feel sensual or sexual. It takes me several seconds, sometimes minutes to disassociate the word passion from sex and realize that you can be passionate about several different things.... this doesn't have to be a report about how you're feeling sexually. I have this talk with myself every time I do this exercise. I don't know if I felt any passion today or feel passionate about anything.
Love: So many people have come up to me recently and complimented me on different things. From the random guy in the store the other day who came back down my isle to tell me how great my smile was, the girl last night in the line at the bathroom who told me how amazing my outfit was, the youth this morning who told me how excited they are to be involved with me, my primary kids today who hugged me, and just lots of other random things going on in my life. I'm grateful for them. I feel loved. I'm trying to accept them and realize that the world really thinks I'm a good person and not the raging sex addict I sometimes identify with more than anything else. People don't see that.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Validation
It's days like these were my therapist earns every dollar.
In one hour of conversation the two weeks of emotional pain wrecking havoc in my life has been lessened significantly. It's kind of a miracle in my life.
It was all about Validation.
I talked and he made sense of my babbling. I explained my emotional distress and he put it in perspective. I talked about my anxiety and he told me it was normal. I told stories of things I handled wrong and he gave me hope of ways to recover. I expressed all my insecurities and he made it better.
A few take-aways to help me remember:
1. As you change your family will do everything to pull you back. The anxiety you feel around that is normal.
2. To feel validated you must actually talk to other people. Working at home alone all day doesn't provide the acknowledgement you need of your existence. Make a connection every day.
3. The anxiety you feel about being close to other people is only because you're not used to it. The longer you stay in the friendship the easier it will become and the less anxious you will feel.
4. Trust yourself. You know what feels right, you know when you're uncomfortable, you know when you don't want to do something. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, allow yourself space to make a decision.
5. Your family is not normal. You are not responsible for their welfare. You are not responsible to fix anyone or anything. They are all adults and can take care of themselves. If they decide not to, that is their choice. If things fall apart, that is also their choice.
You are not your family. And that is a very good thing.
In one hour of conversation the two weeks of emotional pain wrecking havoc in my life has been lessened significantly. It's kind of a miracle in my life.
It was all about Validation.
I talked and he made sense of my babbling. I explained my emotional distress and he put it in perspective. I talked about my anxiety and he told me it was normal. I told stories of things I handled wrong and he gave me hope of ways to recover. I expressed all my insecurities and he made it better.
A few take-aways to help me remember:
1. As you change your family will do everything to pull you back. The anxiety you feel around that is normal.
2. To feel validated you must actually talk to other people. Working at home alone all day doesn't provide the acknowledgement you need of your existence. Make a connection every day.
3. The anxiety you feel about being close to other people is only because you're not used to it. The longer you stay in the friendship the easier it will become and the less anxious you will feel.
4. Trust yourself. You know what feels right, you know when you're uncomfortable, you know when you don't want to do something. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, allow yourself space to make a decision.
5. Your family is not normal. You are not responsible for their welfare. You are not responsible to fix anyone or anything. They are all adults and can take care of themselves. If they decide not to, that is their choice. If things fall apart, that is also their choice.
You are not your family. And that is a very good thing.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Advantage
I'm working on my step work today. I'm on the 4th step: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
My sponsor gave me a series of worksheets to help in completing my inventory. They ask me to make 4 lists and answer a number of questions about each one.
1 - Things I am afraid of; people, places, institutions, principles, etc.
2 - Things I am resentful towards; people, places, institutions, principles, etc.
3 - People I have harmed through action or failure to act.
4 - List of sexual experiences, with whom, what we did, and who was harmed.
I started on my resentment list today. It's long. As I went back to start listing the cause, I noticed a pattern. I'm angry because I feel taken advantage of. And not in just a few cases, but in almost every case.
Take Advantage: capitalize; derive a benefit from; make excessive use of; impinge or infringe upon; Synonyms: exploit, milk, step on, use, use for one's own ends, impose upon, deceive, betray, ensnare
I was just thinking the other day how insecure I feel:
"You know someone is taking advantage of you when you do not feel safe with them. Anytime there is a question about some one's motives, that is an indication that you cannot trust that individual. People who care about you won't try to take advantage of you and you will feel secure around them."
(wiki.answers.com)
This describes my relationships with my sisters exactly:
"If you are being taken advantage of unfairly, it's possible you are dealing with a narcissist. The narcissist believes she is the most important person in the world and does not care about your feelings, which is why she takes advantage of you. In her mind, your needs are dramatically less important than hers because of her imagined superiority, so she doesn't see it as taking advantage at all. She feels entitled to your kindness because she is better than you and everyone else, as far as she is concerned." (ehow.com)
I want to be kind. I want to help and serve others. I feel like that's what the Lord would have me do. Yet, in almost every instance I feel like my kindness, thought fullness, and love was taken advantage of. How do I make it stop? How do I remain true to myself and stop others from taking advantage of me? I don't know how to do that.
My sponsor gave me a series of worksheets to help in completing my inventory. They ask me to make 4 lists and answer a number of questions about each one.
1 - Things I am afraid of; people, places, institutions, principles, etc.
2 - Things I am resentful towards; people, places, institutions, principles, etc.
3 - People I have harmed through action or failure to act.
4 - List of sexual experiences, with whom, what we did, and who was harmed.
I started on my resentment list today. It's long. As I went back to start listing the cause, I noticed a pattern. I'm angry because I feel taken advantage of. And not in just a few cases, but in almost every case.
Take Advantage: capitalize; derive a benefit from; make excessive use of; impinge or infringe upon; Synonyms: exploit, milk, step on, use, use for one's own ends, impose upon, deceive, betray, ensnare
I was just thinking the other day how insecure I feel:
"You know someone is taking advantage of you when you do not feel safe with them. Anytime there is a question about some one's motives, that is an indication that you cannot trust that individual. People who care about you won't try to take advantage of you and you will feel secure around them."
(wiki.answers.com)
This describes my relationships with my sisters exactly:
"If you are being taken advantage of unfairly, it's possible you are dealing with a narcissist. The narcissist believes she is the most important person in the world and does not care about your feelings, which is why she takes advantage of you. In her mind, your needs are dramatically less important than hers because of her imagined superiority, so she doesn't see it as taking advantage at all. She feels entitled to your kindness because she is better than you and everyone else, as far as she is concerned." (ehow.com)
I want to be kind. I want to help and serve others. I feel like that's what the Lord would have me do. Yet, in almost every instance I feel like my kindness, thought fullness, and love was taken advantage of. How do I make it stop? How do I remain true to myself and stop others from taking advantage of me? I don't know how to do that.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Depressed
Depressed..... I think that's how I'm feeling. I'm tired even after 8 hours of continuous sleep. I'm defensive and short with everyone around me. I cry at the drop of a hat and feel overwhelmed by the many tasks ahead of me.
I've felt this way for a few days, maybe even a week. It seems to be growing and growing and spiraling out of control. I so very desperately want it to stop.
The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up in a few weeks. I miss him. This whole month has been hard for me. I spent this time with him last year. I was with him 24/7, taking care of him and watching him slowly deteriorate. I hated it. It was so hard. The whole thing was so hard and I feel like I'm slipping into that again.
My sister brought up living together for another year. I couldn't say no. I wanted to say no, but I couldn't. She kept talking about how if she moved out she'd have to furnish a whole new house, everything in the living room is mine, except the TV. Everything in the kitchen is mine. Nearly everything in the house is mine. I said, don't you just sometimes wish you were living alone again - and she shrugged and said "No, not really." I couldn't say no. I felt like I was abandoning her and my family. The guilt was amazing.
I'm losing myself again.
I've felt this way for a few days, maybe even a week. It seems to be growing and growing and spiraling out of control. I so very desperately want it to stop.
The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up in a few weeks. I miss him. This whole month has been hard for me. I spent this time with him last year. I was with him 24/7, taking care of him and watching him slowly deteriorate. I hated it. It was so hard. The whole thing was so hard and I feel like I'm slipping into that again.
My sister brought up living together for another year. I couldn't say no. I wanted to say no, but I couldn't. She kept talking about how if she moved out she'd have to furnish a whole new house, everything in the living room is mine, except the TV. Everything in the kitchen is mine. Nearly everything in the house is mine. I said, don't you just sometimes wish you were living alone again - and she shrugged and said "No, not really." I couldn't say no. I felt like I was abandoning her and my family. The guilt was amazing.
I'm losing myself again.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Share
I started six different blog posts tonight, but none of them felt authentic. So here I am with lucky number seven.
Tonight, I met with a man from my church to discuss the upcoming musical presentation I am directing. The meeting was good and full of the spirit. Every time he spoke, the spirit bore witness to me of the importance of what I'm doing and witnessed that the direction I'm headed is correct. As I was leaving he said casually, "I encourage you to keep a journal during this process. You will see miracles happen in your own life." The spirit whispered to me, "The Lord is mindful of you and miracles will come."
My eyes filled up with tears as I got into my car. I needed those words. I needed them so very badly. I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity and for the incredible spirit I felt tonight. I was anxious, but left calm. I was sad, but left encouraged. I was worried, but left uplifted. The only thing that can do that is the power of the Holy Ghost.
As I drove home, I felt the urge to share what had just happened. I wanted to tell someone how great I felt about the whole thing. I was instantly lonely. I reached out to five people with phone calls, but no one answered. I prayed aloud in my car, wanting to share my gratitude with someone. The spirit returned and I was no longer lonely. I feel it now, even as I type.
The Lord does make up the difference when we ask.
In every condition, in sickness in health,
in poverty's vail or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad on the land or the sea,
As thy days may demand so thy succor shall be.
(How Firm a Foundation, Hymns, 85)
Tonight, I met with a man from my church to discuss the upcoming musical presentation I am directing. The meeting was good and full of the spirit. Every time he spoke, the spirit bore witness to me of the importance of what I'm doing and witnessed that the direction I'm headed is correct. As I was leaving he said casually, "I encourage you to keep a journal during this process. You will see miracles happen in your own life." The spirit whispered to me, "The Lord is mindful of you and miracles will come."
My eyes filled up with tears as I got into my car. I needed those words. I needed them so very badly. I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity and for the incredible spirit I felt tonight. I was anxious, but left calm. I was sad, but left encouraged. I was worried, but left uplifted. The only thing that can do that is the power of the Holy Ghost.
As I drove home, I felt the urge to share what had just happened. I wanted to tell someone how great I felt about the whole thing. I was instantly lonely. I reached out to five people with phone calls, but no one answered. I prayed aloud in my car, wanting to share my gratitude with someone. The spirit returned and I was no longer lonely. I feel it now, even as I type.
The Lord does make up the difference when we ask.
In every condition, in sickness in health,
in poverty's vail or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad on the land or the sea,
As thy days may demand so thy succor shall be.
(How Firm a Foundation, Hymns, 85)
Monday, December 10, 2012
Interpretation
I saw the new James Bond movie tonight on a 6 story high IMAX screen. It was incredible and worth the price tag -- though I got the tickets at a discount. If you haven't seen it and don't want me to ruin the plot...... don't read further.About half way through the movie, when the bad guy is revealed to be a former 007 agent, my mind started spinning. See if you can follow me here.....
After my game of pretend yesterday, I have been obsessed with the idea of interpretation. One of my credos is "numbers never lie." But I know they do. Statistics are some of the most manipulative numbers around. Throw in some clever graphics and you can use the same set of stats to tell two contradicting stories.
I've thought a lot recently about how two children can grow up in the exact same situation and live through the exact same experiences and come out with two totally different interpretations.
Musical interpretation is something I harp on with my piano students weekly. Want to hear the most accurate, perfect pitch music possible, turn on a recording, don't go to a live concert. (Taylor Swift is the perfect example of that.) Yet, concerts sell out consistently. The spontaneous interpretation and emotional connection made with live music keep us returning over and over again. It's not perfection we seek, but connection.
We see this scenario play out in films and TV all the time. Two characters who have had similar experiences in life end up on opposing sides. It happened in Harry Potter with Harry and Voldemort, in Burn Notice, one of my favorite TV shows, between Michael and Larry, and it happened again tonight between Bond and Silva. I watched with great interest, as Silva tried to get into Bond's head and re-interpret his experiences for him, casting blame on M for things gone wrong. I think the film does a good job of showing the wheels work in Bond's head for a few moments as he tries to sort it out and cling to his form of reality. I watch a lot of spy type shows. This idea of re-interpretation is also fascinating to me.
What made the difference for these characters?
Why do people choose one interpretation over the other?
How much of my personal reality is true and how much of it is interpretation?
How much of my interpretation do I let define my reality?
How do I know which of my interpretations are correct?
Have I been allowing my interpretation to hold me hostage and separate me from reality?
The answers to these questions both scare and excite me.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Pretend
Every time I looked in the mirror, I said out loud, "I'm so pretty." Whenever I looked at anyone, while shopping or walking or driving, I smiled and said "Hello." I pretended to be very decisive about everything I wanted and everything I said. When I decorated the house last night, I did everything I wanted and even followed my creative intuition and LOVE my mantle and house. When my sister tried to blame me for giving away her fake tree 6 years ago, I called her on it. When she got upset and said that she did it because she knew I didn't like fake trees, I said "You can't run your life on my thoughts or opinions. That's being co-dependent." She didn't like that very much, but I did.
When fear, anxiety, negativity, and insecurity entered my mind or my heart, I just told myself I was wrong and that everyone loved me and wanted to be with me. And because I was pretending, it really was as simple as that. It took an enormous among of emotional energy, but it felt good.
I was surprised at the number of moments that felt authentic. I was surprised by how much different life felt. I felt happier than I have in days. I'm trying to make some sense of it all. They aren't feelings I have a lot of experience with. I felt safe. I felt accepted. I loved it.
Another big component of the day was prayer. I knelt down yesterday at the beginning of this experiment and gave it all over. I told Heavenly Father that I was done feeling this way and that all I wanted was to do His will and be happy. Every time the shame, anxiety, or negativity came up, I would say a quick silent prayer and try and let it go.
I think this is what they call confidence.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Enough
I sat in my therapist's office yesterday and cried the entire hour. After trying to tear apart and split the layers on the last few weeks of what has felt like emotional torture, it boils down to the same dilemma I've known about for years.
I like myself and who I am, yet my actions don't create the types of relationships I want.
So something has to change. But I don't know where the changing needs to happen. Is it me? Do I have unrealistic expectations of friendship? Do I know what healthy relationships are? Maybe I am surrounded by normal, healthy, friendships and I don't trust it. (That's what my friend said last night at dinner.) Why do I feel so insecure in relationships?
Or is it really my actions that need to change? Maybe I'm really not doing enough? That is how I feel all the time. I feel like there is something more I should/could be doing. I can't sit still, I can't be content. And maybe this is true? Maybe I don't do enough. I feel so selfish all the time. I see women who have it all together along with their really well adjusted 5 kids. I feel like I can barely keep up with my own emotional needs, let alone those of 5 children. I see what they do with their time and wonder what I do with mine.
I read this quote lately in an article about the Atonement:
As to the location, nation, time, and circumstances in which our personal discipleship is placed, we should, as the scriptures say, be content with the things allotted to us (see Alma 29:3, 6).
~~Neal A. Maxwell, Testifying of the Great and Glorious Atonement
Be content with the things allotted to us. That is something that escapes me. I live in a fantasy world. It reminds me of Anne of Green Gables. Marilla says to Anne after she has refused Gilbert, "You've dreamed up some sort of thing you call love and romance in your head. Does he not love you?" (of course that is not a direct quote.... just paraphrasing what I remember.) Have I dreamed up what I think my life should look like, what I think friendship, love, relationships, discipleship, and addiction should look like and hold up this impossible standard? And anything that falls short is unacceptable to me, the perfectionist?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions. But I do know that I am tired of being sad. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of living in fear. I'm tired of being rejected. And I'm tired of feeling inadequate, insignificant and alone. I'm done with it. I can't do it anymore.
I want to feel joy and happiness. I want to feel like singing in the shower again. I want to feel like dancing around my house. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel equal to the tasks ahead of me. I want to feel valuable and loved.
I want to be enough. How do I get there?
I like myself and who I am, yet my actions don't create the types of relationships I want.
So something has to change. But I don't know where the changing needs to happen. Is it me? Do I have unrealistic expectations of friendship? Do I know what healthy relationships are? Maybe I am surrounded by normal, healthy, friendships and I don't trust it. (That's what my friend said last night at dinner.) Why do I feel so insecure in relationships?
Or is it really my actions that need to change? Maybe I'm really not doing enough? That is how I feel all the time. I feel like there is something more I should/could be doing. I can't sit still, I can't be content. And maybe this is true? Maybe I don't do enough. I feel so selfish all the time. I see women who have it all together along with their really well adjusted 5 kids. I feel like I can barely keep up with my own emotional needs, let alone those of 5 children. I see what they do with their time and wonder what I do with mine.
I read this quote lately in an article about the Atonement:
As to the location, nation, time, and circumstances in which our personal discipleship is placed, we should, as the scriptures say, be content with the things allotted to us (see Alma 29:3, 6).
~~Neal A. Maxwell, Testifying of the Great and Glorious Atonement
Be content with the things allotted to us. That is something that escapes me. I live in a fantasy world. It reminds me of Anne of Green Gables. Marilla says to Anne after she has refused Gilbert, "You've dreamed up some sort of thing you call love and romance in your head. Does he not love you?" (of course that is not a direct quote.... just paraphrasing what I remember.) Have I dreamed up what I think my life should look like, what I think friendship, love, relationships, discipleship, and addiction should look like and hold up this impossible standard? And anything that falls short is unacceptable to me, the perfectionist?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions. But I do know that I am tired of being sad. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of living in fear. I'm tired of being rejected. And I'm tired of feeling inadequate, insignificant and alone. I'm done with it. I can't do it anymore.
I want to feel joy and happiness. I want to feel like singing in the shower again. I want to feel like dancing around my house. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel equal to the tasks ahead of me. I want to feel valuable and loved.
I want to be enough. How do I get there?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Reaction?
I went out Saturday night. My friend and I went to dinner and then to see a production of White Christmas, one of my most favorite holiday plays/movies. My previous trainer and friend had very randomly text me to invite me. We had been out of contact for a few years, when this random text showed up last week. I was excited to go see him.
As we text about the play he included sentiments like "I'm so excited to see you" and "I can't wait to catch up". He asked me to hang around after the show to see him. While waiting for the show to start, I perused the program and saw his picture and biography, which ended with "Thanks to my wife." There were a few other people listed after that, but wife stopped me. He's married.
He wasn't married when I knew him two years ago. He had been dating a girl, but he kept telling me they weren't serious. Now, I do need to mention that he's 7-8 years younger than me, and although I find him highly attractive, while we were acquainted he never did anything to make me think he thought the same of me. We went out occasionally after the gym, but it was a strictly platonic relationship.
I enjoyed the show immensely. It was well done for community theater with unpaid actors and actresses. I was glad I went. It was triggering for me, but not as bad as I had anticipated. It was extremely helpful to have my friend with me. She was great. I didn't wait around afterwards to see him. I couldn't do it. He's married.
Another friend, who knew about the plans for Saturday, called yesterday to catch up. I told her all about the evening. When I finished, she had quite the reaction. "He's married? Wow. Don't you think it's kind of inappropriate that he text and invited you?" I did think it was a little unusual, yes. "Do you worry you're walking around with some type of hidden sign telling married men you're available?" Ouch. Am I? She was very upset for me. Co-dependent? Yeah, a little. But is there some truth to this? I don't know.
So today, I'm confused. After two years, he text me and invited me to come see him perform. Is that innocent or not? We share a love of music and theatre. We had talked about it before. Is what he did inappropriate? Why can't I answer this question? What type of reaction should I be having to this? I don't even know. Or should I be having a reaction?
Until now, I would have thought this was all my issue. Even when men obviously flirt with me, I assume I'm misinterpreting. I feel like I have no gauge for this kind of thing. None.
He text me afterwards to say he was sorry I didn't wait after the show for him. I couldn't respond. He's married.
As we text about the play he included sentiments like "I'm so excited to see you" and "I can't wait to catch up". He asked me to hang around after the show to see him. While waiting for the show to start, I perused the program and saw his picture and biography, which ended with "Thanks to my wife." There were a few other people listed after that, but wife stopped me. He's married.
He wasn't married when I knew him two years ago. He had been dating a girl, but he kept telling me they weren't serious. Now, I do need to mention that he's 7-8 years younger than me, and although I find him highly attractive, while we were acquainted he never did anything to make me think he thought the same of me. We went out occasionally after the gym, but it was a strictly platonic relationship.
I enjoyed the show immensely. It was well done for community theater with unpaid actors and actresses. I was glad I went. It was triggering for me, but not as bad as I had anticipated. It was extremely helpful to have my friend with me. She was great. I didn't wait around afterwards to see him. I couldn't do it. He's married.
Another friend, who knew about the plans for Saturday, called yesterday to catch up. I told her all about the evening. When I finished, she had quite the reaction. "He's married? Wow. Don't you think it's kind of inappropriate that he text and invited you?" I did think it was a little unusual, yes. "Do you worry you're walking around with some type of hidden sign telling married men you're available?" Ouch. Am I? She was very upset for me. Co-dependent? Yeah, a little. But is there some truth to this? I don't know.
So today, I'm confused. After two years, he text me and invited me to come see him perform. Is that innocent or not? We share a love of music and theatre. We had talked about it before. Is what he did inappropriate? Why can't I answer this question? What type of reaction should I be having to this? I don't even know. Or should I be having a reaction?
Until now, I would have thought this was all my issue. Even when men obviously flirt with me, I assume I'm misinterpreting. I feel like I have no gauge for this kind of thing. None.
He text me afterwards to say he was sorry I didn't wait after the show for him. I couldn't respond. He's married.
Gifts
To the giver of the gifts:
My first semester of college away from my family was miserable for many, many reasons. Once a week without fail a note of encouragement would show up in my mailbox. It hadn't been mailed to me, but was put there by someone in my dorm. It always contained some kind of spiritual quote or thought and a few words of encouragement. Those notes got me through a very difficult time. I still have most of them to this day.
When my house was anomously decorated for my birthday earlier this year in January, I cried. It was my first birthday without my dad and I was feeling alone. Your thoughtful gift was very meaningful to me. When the Valentines cookies appeared, and the skittle rainbows for St. Patrick's Day, I knew this was more than a random occurance. Once a month, for the entire year, you have delivered love, acknowledgement, friendship, validation, and compassion with the small gifts you have dropped at my house.
The beautiful Thanksgiving basket you left at my door confirmed that you know me. You know me well. There were enough cute placemats for all my family coming to visit, as well as enough treats to feed them. The popcorn and children's movie confirmed that you knew I had kids coming to spend time with me. The timing of the gift, the day my family arrived, was evidence of your intimate knowledge of who I am.
I am humbled to know you, whoever you are. This year has been hard, as you probably know. Your monthly visits to my door have meant so much to me. I still have the beautiful blue jar you delievered my May Day flowers in, as well as the African Violet plant you dropped off for some color on a dreary fall day. They serve as daily reminders that someone knows and loves me.
Though I have no way to acknowledge who you are, I will live better because of what you have done for me. I will look for more opportunities to love and acknowledge those around me. Your example of love and service has changed me. And for that I will be forever grateful.
I love you!
Amy
My first semester of college away from my family was miserable for many, many reasons. Once a week without fail a note of encouragement would show up in my mailbox. It hadn't been mailed to me, but was put there by someone in my dorm. It always contained some kind of spiritual quote or thought and a few words of encouragement. Those notes got me through a very difficult time. I still have most of them to this day.
When my house was anomously decorated for my birthday earlier this year in January, I cried. It was my first birthday without my dad and I was feeling alone. Your thoughtful gift was very meaningful to me. When the Valentines cookies appeared, and the skittle rainbows for St. Patrick's Day, I knew this was more than a random occurance. Once a month, for the entire year, you have delivered love, acknowledgement, friendship, validation, and compassion with the small gifts you have dropped at my house.
The beautiful Thanksgiving basket you left at my door confirmed that you know me. You know me well. There were enough cute placemats for all my family coming to visit, as well as enough treats to feed them. The popcorn and children's movie confirmed that you knew I had kids coming to spend time with me. The timing of the gift, the day my family arrived, was evidence of your intimate knowledge of who I am.
I am humbled to know you, whoever you are. This year has been hard, as you probably know. Your monthly visits to my door have meant so much to me. I still have the beautiful blue jar you delievered my May Day flowers in, as well as the African Violet plant you dropped off for some color on a dreary fall day. They serve as daily reminders that someone knows and loves me.
Though I have no way to acknowledge who you are, I will live better because of what you have done for me. I will look for more opportunities to love and acknowledge those around me. Your example of love and service has changed me. And for that I will be forever grateful.
I love you!
Amy
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Want
I don't want to talk. I don't want to feel. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. I drove around the lake two times tonight. Yes, the entire Lake Washington. Then I went to the grocery store at 10:30pm and did my shopping. The entire time I repeated to myself, I don't want to talk about anything.
Yet - here I am, an hour later, somehow drawn to my blog. I did remind myself that I'm PMS-ing, which might be part of the cause of the additional emotions I feel today. But I'm sure it's only part of the cause.
Truly, from the outside, nothing is wrong. I've perfected that skill. I can hold it all together and put on the "It's all good" facade very, very well. My students once got me a bumper sticker that says that -- It's all good. I probably still have it somewhere. But on the inside tonight, I am a total wreck.
I don't want to talk about sex, relationships, my family, dating, my addiction, my issues, my friends, my job or lack there of, my calling, my assignments, or any of the many, many things I feel like I'm failing at.
What I want to do is pack up my car, cash out all my accounts, drive away and start over. That is what I do. Between 17 when I moved to college and 25 when I ended up in California, I moved 14 times. That doesn't include the transfer and such of my mission. That is just the number of apartments I lived in during those 8 years, well 6 1/2 if you take out my 18 month mission. Wow, I moved more than twice every year. That is crazy. But that is what I did to cope.
I hate feeling like this. I can't even figure out what is really going on inside me. I just want it to stop.
Yet - here I am, an hour later, somehow drawn to my blog. I did remind myself that I'm PMS-ing, which might be part of the cause of the additional emotions I feel today. But I'm sure it's only part of the cause.
Truly, from the outside, nothing is wrong. I've perfected that skill. I can hold it all together and put on the "It's all good" facade very, very well. My students once got me a bumper sticker that says that -- It's all good. I probably still have it somewhere. But on the inside tonight, I am a total wreck.
I don't want to talk about sex, relationships, my family, dating, my addiction, my issues, my friends, my job or lack there of, my calling, my assignments, or any of the many, many things I feel like I'm failing at.
What I want to do is pack up my car, cash out all my accounts, drive away and start over. That is what I do. Between 17 when I moved to college and 25 when I ended up in California, I moved 14 times. That doesn't include the transfer and such of my mission. That is just the number of apartments I lived in during those 8 years, well 6 1/2 if you take out my 18 month mission. Wow, I moved more than twice every year. That is crazy. But that is what I did to cope.
I hate feeling like this. I can't even figure out what is really going on inside me. I just want it to stop.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Faith
It doesn't have to be Perfect.
I wrote that on two or three index cards today and put them at strategic places in my house. There is one right next to this monitor. I can feel it staring at me.
I am a believer in the magic formula. It probably is rooted in my love of mathematics. Then again, maybe it's the other way around, and believing in the formula steered me in the direction of mathematics. Either way, in the fantasy world where I've lived most of my life, there is a magic formula for every situation. A few examples:
Beef Top Ramen + Grilled Cheese + Advil PM = No cold
Use when you start to feel stuffy and have a sinus headache.
Prime Factorization of the numbers 1 - 100 = Get to sleep faster
Use when you feel anxious and have trouble falling asleep.
Call every sibling once a week + call mom twice a week > Less Family Drama
Use when the family drama is acting up to cool it down.
Ok, maybe my examples are a little corny, but they are truth in my head. It's the set of rules I live by. It's the magic formula that makes everything better. I'm sure everyone has one or two that they use.
In 9th grade, I learned about mathematical proofs and my whole world was turned upside down. I could actually prove, using concrete logic, that formulas would always do exactly what they say they will do. Nothing else in my entire life could be counted on with that much consistency. But formulas could. In college, I aced Advanced Calculus without trying. We spent hours a day writing and memorizing proofs about mathematical formulas. I was in my element.
Why can't people be like math, I remember asking myself one day. Why don't relationships have formulas. I needed someone to write the formula for turning a friend into a boyfriend. Or the one for what to say when your friend hurts your feelings. I needed:
Do this + Say this + Act like this = friend won't hate you
Say this + Touch arm like this + Look at him this way = He will ask you out on a date
For most of my life, I've operated in this paradigm that somewhere there was a magic formula for everything that would make everything perfect. All I had to do was find the formula and life would be perfect. There is a perfect bread recipe, a perfect brownie recipe, as well as a perfect amount of food I should eat each day. There is a perfect way to talk to people, a perfect way to express yourself in general, and a perfect number of contacts to make so people know you care about them. There is a perfect activity, meal or event for everything. For every problem in life there is a formula to make it better. I spent my life looking for those formulas.
The last few days I've been searching again. I hadn't realized I had even stopped looking, but I had. Recovery gave me the knowledge that no magic formula exists for any situation. People are too complex to lock into a formula. There are simply too many variables to consider.
What is the solution then? Faith. Faith that Heavenly Father loves me and is looking out for my welfare. Faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ, so that when things don't go as well as I would have liked, I can be forgiven and start again. Faith that the Holy Ghost will help me as I make decisions along the way. I have been unwilling to rely solely on Faith. I figured it was only part of the equation. Like faith is only a small part of the formula. Something like:
Me acting perfectly + Fulfilling my covenants + Repenting + Suffering + Faith = Joy and Salvation
The problem is, I could never get past that first part. I can never be perfect by myself.
I have really struggled lately with this concept. Why do I have an addiction if God loves me? Why can't I have relationships and children of my own if God is truly looking out for my welfare? Why must I suffer and feel so much pain? Why is my family dysfunctional? Why, when I am trying so very, very hard do I continue to struggle? Then I found this quote:
But - I am grateful. I am grateful for the atonement. I am grateful for the knowledge of the gospel and the plan of life and salvation. I am profoundly grateful for the relationship I am developing with my Savior. I am learning more and more how completely reliant I am on my Heavenly Father. I am learning more and more about how important relationships with people are. And if it took an addiction for me to figure that all out, then so be it.
I wrote that on two or three index cards today and put them at strategic places in my house. There is one right next to this monitor. I can feel it staring at me.
I am a believer in the magic formula. It probably is rooted in my love of mathematics. Then again, maybe it's the other way around, and believing in the formula steered me in the direction of mathematics. Either way, in the fantasy world where I've lived most of my life, there is a magic formula for every situation. A few examples:
Beef Top Ramen + Grilled Cheese + Advil PM = No cold
Use when you start to feel stuffy and have a sinus headache.
Prime Factorization of the numbers 1 - 100 = Get to sleep faster
Use when you feel anxious and have trouble falling asleep.
Call every sibling once a week + call mom twice a week > Less Family Drama
Use when the family drama is acting up to cool it down.
Ok, maybe my examples are a little corny, but they are truth in my head. It's the set of rules I live by. It's the magic formula that makes everything better. I'm sure everyone has one or two that they use.
In 9th grade, I learned about mathematical proofs and my whole world was turned upside down. I could actually prove, using concrete logic, that formulas would always do exactly what they say they will do. Nothing else in my entire life could be counted on with that much consistency. But formulas could. In college, I aced Advanced Calculus without trying. We spent hours a day writing and memorizing proofs about mathematical formulas. I was in my element.
Why can't people be like math, I remember asking myself one day. Why don't relationships have formulas. I needed someone to write the formula for turning a friend into a boyfriend. Or the one for what to say when your friend hurts your feelings. I needed:
Do this + Say this + Act like this = friend won't hate you
Say this + Touch arm like this + Look at him this way = He will ask you out on a date
For most of my life, I've operated in this paradigm that somewhere there was a magic formula for everything that would make everything perfect. All I had to do was find the formula and life would be perfect. There is a perfect bread recipe, a perfect brownie recipe, as well as a perfect amount of food I should eat each day. There is a perfect way to talk to people, a perfect way to express yourself in general, and a perfect number of contacts to make so people know you care about them. There is a perfect activity, meal or event for everything. For every problem in life there is a formula to make it better. I spent my life looking for those formulas.
The last few days I've been searching again. I hadn't realized I had even stopped looking, but I had. Recovery gave me the knowledge that no magic formula exists for any situation. People are too complex to lock into a formula. There are simply too many variables to consider.
What is the solution then? Faith. Faith that Heavenly Father loves me and is looking out for my welfare. Faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ, so that when things don't go as well as I would have liked, I can be forgiven and start again. Faith that the Holy Ghost will help me as I make decisions along the way. I have been unwilling to rely solely on Faith. I figured it was only part of the equation. Like faith is only a small part of the formula. Something like:
Me acting perfectly + Fulfilling my covenants + Repenting + Suffering + Faith = Joy and Salvation
The problem is, I could never get past that first part. I can never be perfect by myself.
I have really struggled lately with this concept. Why do I have an addiction if God loves me? Why can't I have relationships and children of my own if God is truly looking out for my welfare? Why must I suffer and feel so much pain? Why is my family dysfunctional? Why, when I am trying so very, very hard do I continue to struggle? Then I found this quote:
"Jesus instructs us.... that we are to come unto Him. However, as you have noticed, when we strive to come unto Him, we come to see how He will then make our weaknesses better known to us, sometimes painfully, in order to help us progress. Christ even promises us that He will make some weaknesses into strengths."Though that concept is not unfamiliar to me, the way Elder Maxwell words it feels profound. "He will make our weaknesses better known to us, sometimes painfully, in order to help us progress." Wow. At an SA meeting last week someone shared that the one gift their addiction gave them was a need and reliance on their higher power. Is that what I am to learn from my addiction? Did it really take this much pain for me to surrender completely to Heavenly Father. Obviously, it did.
~~Neal A. Maxwell, "Testifying of the Great and Glorious Atonement"
But - I am grateful. I am grateful for the atonement. I am grateful for the knowledge of the gospel and the plan of life and salvation. I am profoundly grateful for the relationship I am developing with my Savior. I am learning more and more how completely reliant I am on my Heavenly Father. I am learning more and more about how important relationships with people are. And if it took an addiction for me to figure that all out, then so be it.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Socks
Last night was the first night in nearly a week I slept solidly through the night. Not only that, I laid down and was asleep in minutes. No lingering fantasy, no temptation, no anxiety, just sleep. I woke up this morning really searching and wondering what was different. I definitely went to bed with the same level of anxiety I've had the last few days. I didn't really change or do anything special. I prayed, grateful for the break I was so desperate for.
When I went to get showered a little bit later, I realized I was wearing socks. I NEVER wear socks to bed. I actually hate socks. BUT - realizing that wearing socks to bed was the only thing I did differently, I'm going to wear them tonight, hoping for the same results.
Do socks really have that much power?
When I went to get showered a little bit later, I realized I was wearing socks. I NEVER wear socks to bed. I actually hate socks. BUT - realizing that wearing socks to bed was the only thing I did differently, I'm going to wear them tonight, hoping for the same results.
Do socks really have that much power?
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Easy
I don't want to write tonight, which usually means I need to.
The last few nights have been really difficult. I wrote about how I started to plan an acting out episode on Sunday night after dropping my sister off at the airport. Since then, the level of sexual energy or anxiety in my life is above my recovery baseline. This is super triggering to me. I went to an extra meeting on Monday, and saw my therapist. Yesterday, I went to dinner with one of my recovery friends and posted in an SA discussion group hoping to surrender it. Yet, for three nights now, I've nearly acted out. I've been riding the line for three nights. I've let myself get lost in fantasy and even started acting, but have stopped myself every time. I've texted and made phone calls in the middle of the night reaching out for the help and support I need to get through it. And I have gotten through it.
Yet - the energy or anxiety or whatever it is, isn't going away. I have some ideas on what is causing it, but I'm tired of analyzing. I just want it gone. I don't want to have to work at it. I don't want to have to discuss it or write about it or figure it out. I'm just tired of everything being so hard right now. I want something to be easy. I want something to change just because I want it. Recovery has been hard for so long.... I just want a few easy things to deal with.
I feel like I'm whining. I probably am. So, I'll quit.
Goodnight.
The last few nights have been really difficult. I wrote about how I started to plan an acting out episode on Sunday night after dropping my sister off at the airport. Since then, the level of sexual energy or anxiety in my life is above my recovery baseline. This is super triggering to me. I went to an extra meeting on Monday, and saw my therapist. Yesterday, I went to dinner with one of my recovery friends and posted in an SA discussion group hoping to surrender it. Yet, for three nights now, I've nearly acted out. I've been riding the line for three nights. I've let myself get lost in fantasy and even started acting, but have stopped myself every time. I've texted and made phone calls in the middle of the night reaching out for the help and support I need to get through it. And I have gotten through it.
Yet - the energy or anxiety or whatever it is, isn't going away. I have some ideas on what is causing it, but I'm tired of analyzing. I just want it gone. I don't want to have to work at it. I don't want to have to discuss it or write about it or figure it out. I'm just tired of everything being so hard right now. I want something to be easy. I want something to change just because I want it. Recovery has been hard for so long.... I just want a few easy things to deal with.
I feel like I'm whining. I probably am. So, I'll quit.
Goodnight.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Coincidence
The longer I live, the more convinced I am that absolutely nothing in this world is coincidence. Not one thing.
My therapist gave me the assignment of trying to practice being sensual in a safe environment. How in the world I was supposed to accomplish that, I couldn't say. I don't feel safe in most public places. I don't feel safe with a lot of my friends. I have a sex addiction and sometimes the simplest little thing can set me off. But what scares me the most is getting triggered and coming home alone. It's dealing with the triggers after the event that are most difficult. Anyway..... point being, I was supposed to practice. One of my recovery friends (she would be my friend outside of recovery as well, she's that great) called me to catch up. We had a great conversation and I asked if she would go out with me Saturday night so I could practice. She was totally game. (Thank you!!!)
I've been thinking about what we could do that would be triggering for me, yet somewhat safe as well. Then yesterday, I get a very random text message from Nate, of course, not his real name. When I first moved here about 5 years ago, he was my trainer at the local gym for just over a year. I had a huge crush on him. He has the most amazing voice, I could listen to him sing all day. We developed a great friendship and went out a few times. But we haven't talked or spoken in nearly two years. He texts me yesterday and invites me to attend a play he's performing in locally. He has the lead. Coincidence? Not at all.
So Saturday night, I will be getting all dressed up, with lots of makeup and cute clothes, going to dinner and a show with my friend. Triggering? Absolutely! Just getting dressed up is triggering for me. All of that kind of stuff before was linked to acting out. Staring at a man I find incredibly attractive for 2 hours while he sings, another thing that is totally attractive to me, will be very triggering. Nearly every man I've dated have had incredible voices. I can't resist a man who can sing. And then, I get to come home and not act out. That is where the challenge will be. But one that I will rise to meet.
I've been really frustrated lately with the amount of sexual energy I have built up in my system. No matter how careful I am with thoughts, fantasy, images, etc., this energy just builds up in me. I know it's sexual energy because it manifests in random thoughts like "I need an orgasm". I've tried prayer, scriptures, meditation, reading, all sorts of things, and they help keep my mind focused on what I want, but the energy is still there. As I was thinking about Nate a random memory popped into my head.
One day we were scheduled to work out. I had a really bad day at work and was REALLY frustrated with a family situation. I showed up, but wasn't very excited to be there. He looked at me, tilted his head to the side, kind of summing me up, and then this huge smile erupted on his face. "We get to have an angry workout!" he nearly yelled. I laughed at him. What is an angry workout? I soon learned. After a workout that hard, I had no energy left to be angry. It was awesome. It helped remind me that you have to fight energy with energy. If I have sexual energy I need to dissipate, I need to do something physical. Walk, Run, Workout, Work in the yard, whatever it is. Fight energy with energy, Nate used to tell me all the time. Coincidence? Nope.
One more.... I've been talking lately with my therapist about this idea that I need to re-engage socially. I need to attend events and start to meet new people. I've been out of the social scene for so long, it's time I re-engage, especially if I ever hope to be in another relationship. Over the past 48 hours I've had 6 different invites to social events coming up in the next 2 weeks. These are all singles events, where all those in attendance will be single. Coincidence? Not even close.
Nothing is coincidence. Nothing.
My therapist gave me the assignment of trying to practice being sensual in a safe environment. How in the world I was supposed to accomplish that, I couldn't say. I don't feel safe in most public places. I don't feel safe with a lot of my friends. I have a sex addiction and sometimes the simplest little thing can set me off. But what scares me the most is getting triggered and coming home alone. It's dealing with the triggers after the event that are most difficult. Anyway..... point being, I was supposed to practice. One of my recovery friends (she would be my friend outside of recovery as well, she's that great) called me to catch up. We had a great conversation and I asked if she would go out with me Saturday night so I could practice. She was totally game. (Thank you!!!)
I've been thinking about what we could do that would be triggering for me, yet somewhat safe as well. Then yesterday, I get a very random text message from Nate, of course, not his real name. When I first moved here about 5 years ago, he was my trainer at the local gym for just over a year. I had a huge crush on him. He has the most amazing voice, I could listen to him sing all day. We developed a great friendship and went out a few times. But we haven't talked or spoken in nearly two years. He texts me yesterday and invites me to attend a play he's performing in locally. He has the lead. Coincidence? Not at all.
So Saturday night, I will be getting all dressed up, with lots of makeup and cute clothes, going to dinner and a show with my friend. Triggering? Absolutely! Just getting dressed up is triggering for me. All of that kind of stuff before was linked to acting out. Staring at a man I find incredibly attractive for 2 hours while he sings, another thing that is totally attractive to me, will be very triggering. Nearly every man I've dated have had incredible voices. I can't resist a man who can sing. And then, I get to come home and not act out. That is where the challenge will be. But one that I will rise to meet.
I've been really frustrated lately with the amount of sexual energy I have built up in my system. No matter how careful I am with thoughts, fantasy, images, etc., this energy just builds up in me. I know it's sexual energy because it manifests in random thoughts like "I need an orgasm". I've tried prayer, scriptures, meditation, reading, all sorts of things, and they help keep my mind focused on what I want, but the energy is still there. As I was thinking about Nate a random memory popped into my head.
One day we were scheduled to work out. I had a really bad day at work and was REALLY frustrated with a family situation. I showed up, but wasn't very excited to be there. He looked at me, tilted his head to the side, kind of summing me up, and then this huge smile erupted on his face. "We get to have an angry workout!" he nearly yelled. I laughed at him. What is an angry workout? I soon learned. After a workout that hard, I had no energy left to be angry. It was awesome. It helped remind me that you have to fight energy with energy. If I have sexual energy I need to dissipate, I need to do something physical. Walk, Run, Workout, Work in the yard, whatever it is. Fight energy with energy, Nate used to tell me all the time. Coincidence? Nope.
One more.... I've been talking lately with my therapist about this idea that I need to re-engage socially. I need to attend events and start to meet new people. I've been out of the social scene for so long, it's time I re-engage, especially if I ever hope to be in another relationship. Over the past 48 hours I've had 6 different invites to social events coming up in the next 2 weeks. These are all singles events, where all those in attendance will be single. Coincidence? Not even close.
Nothing is coincidence. Nothing.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Emotions
Today was a relatively good day. Between my physical therapy, individual therapy, nutritional therapy, and the SA meeting I attended, you would think I would be emotionally worn out. Seriously, I will never schedule all those appointments in the same day again. Not sure what I was thinking there. Yet, as I sit here tonight, I feel anxious. I have this general undercurrent of emotion going on. Using my "Core Emotions" tool, let's see if I can get it figured out.
Anger: Don't really remember anger today.
Fear: During my nutritional therapy today, I said something that totally came out wrong. I had an actual nutrition question. We talk about actual nutrition, but not all the time. I said something like, "Can we do some actual nutrition work today?" After it came out of my mouth, I realized it could totally be taken the wrong way and be offensive to my amazing nutritional therapist. I felt HORRIBLE. I started crying and was totally overcome with emotion, as I tried to tell her that I didn't mean it that way and that I really valued the work that we had done together. Afterwards, she explained she was going to be gone for two weeks in December and we probably didn't need to get back together until early January. I was/am feeling fearful and shameful about it. It kind of felt like she didn't want to see me again for awhile. What if she feels horrible about it? What if she thought I was trying to discredit the amazing work I feel like I've done with her. She text me tonight and said everything was all good. Why can't I trust that? Why do I still feel scared about it.
Shame: I started fantasizing last night while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I talked about it today and made support calls, but I'm still feeling shameful about it. My fantasy wasn't even sexual. It was just making up someone to talk to. But I know if had let it continue, it would end up sexual. And fantasizing at all is VERY dangerous for me. I feel shameful about it. I wanted to masturbate last night -- seriously wanted an orgasm. I just wanted a release. I feel the same way right now. I want a release. I'm kind of worried about sleeping tonight.
Guilt: I have a lot to do for school and for my client and just around the house and I didn't make as much progress today as I would have liked.
Loneliness: I miss my dad today. I miss the relationship I had with my mom before I knew we were both crazy. I miss my nephews who were here last week. I miss my family. I miss social gatherings. Part of me wants to retreat. Life would be easier, less painful, if I lost myself in silly romance movies, books and fantasy. I could masturbate when I wanted and not have to worry about interacting with others. Though, I know that wouldn't alleviate my loneliness. Then part of me wants to jump into dating again feet first with abandon and find someone to kiss. I miss kissing. I really would like to just kiss again. It's been nearly two years since I held hands, cuddled with or kissed anyone. When you're single -- sexual sobriety feels a lot like sexual anorexia. I started crying writing that sentence. I'm really scared about how lonely I feel right now in my life. I'm scared I'll never make a connection again but I'm equally scared of making a connection. How can I ever tell anyone I'm a sex addict? What would that conversation even look like? "Oh yeah -- by the way -- I just wanted to let you know I'm a recovering sex addict, who attends two meetings a week and going to therapy on a weekly basis. Does that work for you?" I know what a double-edged sword that is. I've used that when flirting before.... "you know, I think I might be a sex addict... what do you think?" Yet, I also know how deadly those words can be in the mind of the wrong man. I don't feel like I can win in this situation. I have a hard time I'm believing I'm worth the trouble. I guess that is where I end up. Am I worth the trouble? Is someone going to really like me enough to deal with my past? Are they going to be willing to go to therapy appointments with me when needed? Is he going to be supportive when I need it? How can I feel worth that?
Pain: My hip really hurts tonight. So does my knee. I've got to be more diligent about my exercises and things.
Joy: No real joy today.
Passion: No real passion today either.
Love: I talked with my therapist today about some of the entitlement issues I've had and some of the angst I've had towards Heavenly Father about Steve and answers I feel I've gotten in the past. I've written about them before. It was good to talk about them out loud. I haven't done that before. When I prayed about marrying Steve, I wasn't acting out. I wasn't in addiction. I was very serious about it and was in a good spiritual place, at least I felt that way. The answer was always this incredible peaceful feeling with the reassurance that everything would be OK. I always got up from those prayers with that feeling -- everything will be OK. I thought the answer meant I would get the fairytale wedding I wanted. Of course, I didn't know then that Steve was married. But Heavenly Father did. Rather than give a No answer, one that I would probably have been extremely resentful about and not understood, He loved me enough to give to the peace and knowledge that everything would be OK. And you know what? Everything is OK. I'm going to make it through this and be a better person because of it. That is love. And for that love, I will be forever grateful.
Anger: Don't really remember anger today.
Fear: During my nutritional therapy today, I said something that totally came out wrong. I had an actual nutrition question. We talk about actual nutrition, but not all the time. I said something like, "Can we do some actual nutrition work today?" After it came out of my mouth, I realized it could totally be taken the wrong way and be offensive to my amazing nutritional therapist. I felt HORRIBLE. I started crying and was totally overcome with emotion, as I tried to tell her that I didn't mean it that way and that I really valued the work that we had done together. Afterwards, she explained she was going to be gone for two weeks in December and we probably didn't need to get back together until early January. I was/am feeling fearful and shameful about it. It kind of felt like she didn't want to see me again for awhile. What if she feels horrible about it? What if she thought I was trying to discredit the amazing work I feel like I've done with her. She text me tonight and said everything was all good. Why can't I trust that? Why do I still feel scared about it.
Shame: I started fantasizing last night while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I talked about it today and made support calls, but I'm still feeling shameful about it. My fantasy wasn't even sexual. It was just making up someone to talk to. But I know if had let it continue, it would end up sexual. And fantasizing at all is VERY dangerous for me. I feel shameful about it. I wanted to masturbate last night -- seriously wanted an orgasm. I just wanted a release. I feel the same way right now. I want a release. I'm kind of worried about sleeping tonight.
Guilt: I have a lot to do for school and for my client and just around the house and I didn't make as much progress today as I would have liked.
Loneliness: I miss my dad today. I miss the relationship I had with my mom before I knew we were both crazy. I miss my nephews who were here last week. I miss my family. I miss social gatherings. Part of me wants to retreat. Life would be easier, less painful, if I lost myself in silly romance movies, books and fantasy. I could masturbate when I wanted and not have to worry about interacting with others. Though, I know that wouldn't alleviate my loneliness. Then part of me wants to jump into dating again feet first with abandon and find someone to kiss. I miss kissing. I really would like to just kiss again. It's been nearly two years since I held hands, cuddled with or kissed anyone. When you're single -- sexual sobriety feels a lot like sexual anorexia. I started crying writing that sentence. I'm really scared about how lonely I feel right now in my life. I'm scared I'll never make a connection again but I'm equally scared of making a connection. How can I ever tell anyone I'm a sex addict? What would that conversation even look like? "Oh yeah -- by the way -- I just wanted to let you know I'm a recovering sex addict, who attends two meetings a week and going to therapy on a weekly basis. Does that work for you?" I know what a double-edged sword that is. I've used that when flirting before.... "you know, I think I might be a sex addict... what do you think?" Yet, I also know how deadly those words can be in the mind of the wrong man. I don't feel like I can win in this situation. I have a hard time I'm believing I'm worth the trouble. I guess that is where I end up. Am I worth the trouble? Is someone going to really like me enough to deal with my past? Are they going to be willing to go to therapy appointments with me when needed? Is he going to be supportive when I need it? How can I feel worth that?
Pain: My hip really hurts tonight. So does my knee. I've got to be more diligent about my exercises and things.
Joy: No real joy today.
Passion: No real passion today either.
Love: I talked with my therapist today about some of the entitlement issues I've had and some of the angst I've had towards Heavenly Father about Steve and answers I feel I've gotten in the past. I've written about them before. It was good to talk about them out loud. I haven't done that before. When I prayed about marrying Steve, I wasn't acting out. I wasn't in addiction. I was very serious about it and was in a good spiritual place, at least I felt that way. The answer was always this incredible peaceful feeling with the reassurance that everything would be OK. I always got up from those prayers with that feeling -- everything will be OK. I thought the answer meant I would get the fairytale wedding I wanted. Of course, I didn't know then that Steve was married. But Heavenly Father did. Rather than give a No answer, one that I would probably have been extremely resentful about and not understood, He loved me enough to give to the peace and knowledge that everything would be OK. And you know what? Everything is OK. I'm going to make it through this and be a better person because of it. That is love. And for that love, I will be forever grateful.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Entitlement
At my last therapy appointment, it was suggested that I had some entitlement issues around acting out. Not wanting to set me off or upset me, I think my therapist used a soft sell on the concept. I knew right away, he was right.
I dropped my little sister off at the airport about an hour ago. My family is so stressful. The amount of anxiety that builds up in my system when I spend this much time with them is unreal. On the drive home, I wanted to talk. I wanted to blow off some steam, and vent about everything going on. I wanted someone to say "Wow! Look at how well you handled all of that!" or even just the validation of "Yes, your family is crazy!" For about 30 minutes I need it to be about me and not about the craziness of my family. I called two of my friends and left messages. When I finished my second message and hung up the phone, I was kind of blown away with the thoughts that ran through my head.
I should get online and find someone to talk to.
It would be easy, I know what to say.
I really want an orgasm.
I handled things really well, everyone went home happy, I deserve this.
The last one is what really stopped me in my tracks. I deserve this?
I deserve a life of addiction? One governed by secrets and lies? I deserve to be used and disrespected? I deserve the heartache and pain I've experienced through all of this? I don't think so. I made some wrong choices, sure, but I don't deserve this.
I deserve....
I am grateful I don't have to turn to acting out to find myself again. I'm grateful that I was able to not really lose myself this week. There were moments I felt lost, trust me, but they weren't consuming, nor were they long episodes. I am grateful to have a better sense of self.
I dropped my little sister off at the airport about an hour ago. My family is so stressful. The amount of anxiety that builds up in my system when I spend this much time with them is unreal. On the drive home, I wanted to talk. I wanted to blow off some steam, and vent about everything going on. I wanted someone to say "Wow! Look at how well you handled all of that!" or even just the validation of "Yes, your family is crazy!" For about 30 minutes I need it to be about me and not about the craziness of my family. I called two of my friends and left messages. When I finished my second message and hung up the phone, I was kind of blown away with the thoughts that ran through my head.
I should get online and find someone to talk to.
It would be easy, I know what to say.
I really want an orgasm.
I handled things really well, everyone went home happy, I deserve this.
The last one is what really stopped me in my tracks. I deserve this?
I deserve a life of addiction? One governed by secrets and lies? I deserve to be used and disrespected? I deserve the heartache and pain I've experienced through all of this? I don't think so. I made some wrong choices, sure, but I don't deserve this.
I deserve....
- to be treated with respect.
- to feel loved.
- to be accepted for who I am and not judged.
- to feel free to share my opinion.
- the freedom to make mistakes and learn.
- the security to try new things and fail.
- to know I can trust people.
I am grateful I don't have to turn to acting out to find myself again. I'm grateful that I was able to not really lose myself this week. There were moments I felt lost, trust me, but they weren't consuming, nor were they long episodes. I am grateful to have a better sense of self.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Normal
Sometimes I forget that really, I'm the rational one. I remember well the day my therapist ranked the level of dysfunction in my family....
And then something happens, like the drama that has been unfolding over the past few weeks. As things play out and the inner conflict arises about what I should do and who I am and my responsibilities, I very quickly get wrapped back up in the crazy making that is my family. The familiar dialog starts.... They all think this is normal. They all seem to be OK with what is happening. No one else seems to think there is anything wrong. All of these thoughts lead to the same conclusion. This must be normal and I'm the crazy one.
That is how I got to where I am. I've known the whole time, from the beginning of my addition that what I was doing was wrong, addictive, and would not get me where I wanted to go. However, I also felt like I was the crazy one and everyone else was normal. There was no hope I could ever be normal, and so I made the choices I did.
The point of this rambling is to remind myself that I am not crazy. That what has been going on and the pressure of my family is not normal. I am not responsible for them. I do not have to do what they ask or demand. My life is not their life, my things are not their things, they do not get full access to me just because they are my family. I do not have to fix their lives, even if they ask me to. If my mom chooses to spend Thanksgiving alone, it is not my fault, no matter what anyone says. I am not responsible to do an intervention with my mom. I have been in recovery for nearly 18 months and am making significant progress. I know what boundaries are and how important they are in my life.
I grew up feeling crazy. I have, for my entire life, felt like I didn't fit in. I have felt desperately lonely, left out and broken. Today, however, I recognize that I was a lost little girl, trying to adapt to what was going on around her. I was OK. I am OK. And what they are doing and how they live is not how I am going to live or how I want to be. I am grateful that I can make that choice today.
Today, I choose to be normal.
"Well Amy, based on what you have told me, and on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being no dysfunction, which doesn't exist by the way, and 10 being the craziest I've ever seen in all the work I've done as a therapist, I've have to rate your family a 8 or 9. Probably a 9, well I'll say an 8 because I've never actually met any of them. Yep an 8."An 8? I was blown away. An 8! My family? There was no physical or sexual abuse in my family. There was no constant threat of violence. My parents aren't even divorced! There wasn't even a family death until my grandmother 3 years ago. An 8! I remember sitting there in shock.
"The average family is probably a 3 or a 4. Everyone has some dysfunction. The families of addicts usually range from 5 to 7."All the boys in my family went on missions. Every adult is temple worthy and endowed. We all attend church regularly. There hasn't been a single year that we haven't all gotten together for some holiday or event. I adore my nephews. They are incredible young men and my niece is amazing! How in the world could we be an 8??
And then something happens, like the drama that has been unfolding over the past few weeks. As things play out and the inner conflict arises about what I should do and who I am and my responsibilities, I very quickly get wrapped back up in the crazy making that is my family. The familiar dialog starts.... They all think this is normal. They all seem to be OK with what is happening. No one else seems to think there is anything wrong. All of these thoughts lead to the same conclusion. This must be normal and I'm the crazy one.
That is how I got to where I am. I've known the whole time, from the beginning of my addition that what I was doing was wrong, addictive, and would not get me where I wanted to go. However, I also felt like I was the crazy one and everyone else was normal. There was no hope I could ever be normal, and so I made the choices I did.
"Amy, your life was really the perfect storm. You chose what you did because you had very limited options."That doesn't make it right, but it is nice to feel some validation about your choices in life.
The point of this rambling is to remind myself that I am not crazy. That what has been going on and the pressure of my family is not normal. I am not responsible for them. I do not have to do what they ask or demand. My life is not their life, my things are not their things, they do not get full access to me just because they are my family. I do not have to fix their lives, even if they ask me to. If my mom chooses to spend Thanksgiving alone, it is not my fault, no matter what anyone says. I am not responsible to do an intervention with my mom. I have been in recovery for nearly 18 months and am making significant progress. I know what boundaries are and how important they are in my life.
I grew up feeling crazy. I have, for my entire life, felt like I didn't fit in. I have felt desperately lonely, left out and broken. Today, however, I recognize that I was a lost little girl, trying to adapt to what was going on around her. I was OK. I am OK. And what they are doing and how they live is not how I am going to live or how I want to be. I am grateful that I can make that choice today.
Today, I choose to be normal.
Meetings
Oh - and did I say yesterday that I was grateful for SA meetings? If not - let me say it now: I AM GRATEFUL FOR SA MEETINGS!!!!
I went this morning to my women's meeting and feel better. Way better. I am reminded of so many things when I spend time with those women who face similar addictions in their lives. It was great. I am grateful for them. Things will get better.
I went this morning to my women's meeting and feel better. Way better. I am reminded of so many things when I spend time with those women who face similar addictions in their lives. It was great. I am grateful for them. Things will get better.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Gratitude
I'm starting to feel really sad tonight. A big part of it is self-pity. Holidays are a hard time for me in general. I'm starting to feel sorry for myself for a million reasons............
Last time I worked myself up like this, my sponsor pointed out that I was stuck in comparison mode. She encouraged me to start listing things I'm grateful for about my life when I started getting this way. Here goes:
Last time I worked myself up like this, my sponsor pointed out that I was stuck in comparison mode. She encouraged me to start listing things I'm grateful for about my life when I started getting this way. Here goes:
- My computer with my big double monitors that allow me to work.
- My kindle and the great books that there are to read.
- Coke Zero -- seriously the best stuff for a headache.
- Health -- I am healthy. I'm not on any medications nor have any chronic problems.
- The color orange -- it makes me happy.
- Cute jeans.
- Financial Security
- My therapist -- seriously would not be alive without him.
- My physical therapist -- My hip has gotten so much better with his help
- Primary Music
- My piano
- My ability to play the piano
- My handwriting -- I have GREAT handwriting and love to write
- My cute bedroom
- My house
- The gospel -- I'm grateful to know the eternal plan and purpose of my life on earth
- Nephew #1
- Nephew #2
- Nephew #3
- Nephew #4
- Nephew #5
- Niece #1 -- Born on my birthday -- she's my birthday buddy!
- The scriptures - particularly Nephi and his experiences
- Joseph Smith - my great, great, great, great uncle
- My dear friend Tina
- My freedom
- Recovery
- SA - and all my recovery friends in SA
- My home teacher -- seriously an amazing guy who has visited me once a month for 4 years
- College Education
- Mathematics -- numbers never lie
- Music -- I love music and couldn't bear a life without it
- My nutritional therapist -- she is amazing
- My car -- it works, I love it, it's paid for :)
- The temple and the peace I feel there
- Things I need - even when I don't know I need them
- Good pens to write with - office supplies in general. :)
- Healing -
- The Atonement - the fact that I know I will see my dad again
- My sponsor - who really helps me learn what it means to be in recovery
- My friends -- those that truly have helped and supported me throughout my life
- My family -- I am grateful for them and all the craziness. They help me learn.
- XBox games -- they provide the small bit of escape I allow myself these days.
- My talents and gifts -- I have many and am grateful for them.
Disappointed
Well.... Thanksgiving is over. I am still sober in both addictions and feel like I did more than just survive this holiday. I'm grateful for that.
There is so much going on in my soul today. Sometimes, when I get worked up like this, I wonder how I ever lived so many years always an emotional breakdown ready to happen. I'm grateful that today, I at least have an outlet and know what to do to handle so many of the issues facing me. I do need to claim a little bit more emotional stability and know that only happens when I empty my emotional cup. So here it goes....
My brother, his wife and two boys arrived last Sunday and left this morning. It has been glorious! I love them so much. We had so much fun driving around, playing Xbox and Rummikub, shopping, talking, and just hanging out. It was so much fun. I miss them so much. It makes me want to move to Utah. I had some really good discussions with my brother about a variety of things. At one point in time I was contemplating a full disclosure to him. I know he had a porn problem in high school and my mom told me a few years back that he still does. There are a few things I have seen that support that. His Internet is locked down and only his wife has the password. Also, he made a comment that he used to go to this exercise class at work, but was uncomfortable with what the women were wearing. However, no disclosure was made. It didn't feel safe and so I didn't do it. I was disappointed.
My little sister arrived yesterday and is staying under Sunday night. I love my sister, and sometimes I forget how much she annoys me. She made all these plans with friends while she was here, but didn't ask to use my car. She showed up and said she was going to borrow my car. Ummmm, ok? She challenges you on everything and when she doesn't agree with your reasoning, she makes fun of you or says things under her breath. I bought new pans at a Black Friday deal at Target. I got them specifically because they were dishwasher safe. She kept making comments over and over again about how they won't last as long if you wash them in the dishwasher, etc. I'm annoyed with her and she's only been her 24-hours. It's disappointing.
My older sister was a hermit the entire time the family was here. She worked during the day, but even when she came home at night she went to her room and hid herself. My brother commented on it several times. She didn't really help plan anything and wasn't engaged with the boys. It was disappointing to watch.
There has been some family drama with my mom and one of my brothers. I really wanted to refrain from discussing it or making it part of my holiday. My mom tried to drag me into it and I didn't respond to her about it because I just can't do that level of drama and anxiety in my life anymore. Yet, I found myself talking about it all the time. Not only that, I felt a few times like I was adding to the drama. I didn't like that feeling and stopped immediately. I was disappointed in my behavior over the week. When my mom called today, she was guarded. Yesterday, she didn't even call or talk to me. I called and left her a message, but she didn't respond. She called all of my siblings who were at my house, but didn't call me. I was sad and hurt, actually. I blew it off while all the kids comments on it, but today, I'm upset about it.
Three nights ago I had a dream about Steve. We ran into each other at a grocery store. It was a store I'm familiar with in California, though I've never been there with him. He wanted to spend some time together, to go to dinner, and just be friends. I was particularly guarded, in my dream, and kept telling him I didn't see the point of doing that, yet could feel that with the right words or right touch I wouldn't be able to say no. I did say no though. I held my ground and didn't spend time with him. I woke up both proud of myself for saying no even in a dream, yet disappointed in myself for missing him like crazy. I have no pictures of him, or email, or letters, or texts or anything. I even burnt most of the journal writings I had about him from the last three years. Seeing him again, even in a dream, was difficult.
I turned in my final project for one of my MBA classes only to have it returned. There are four out of twelve sections I have to re-write. Disappointing.
I'm starting to realize I have a lot more work to do around my family than I understood. I'm still very co-dependent with them. I did better, way better than I have in the past, but still have a long way to go. I kept up some of my personal stuff while they were here, but most I didn't.
Last Thanksgiving, I was living in Utah. Thanksgiving was one of the last times my dad left the house. We went to my brothers house and had dinner. It was fun, but dad wanted to leave almost immediately after dinner. It was one of the last times he walked by himself. It made me miss him. My mom spent the holiday alone. Not because she didn't have other options, she did, but because she chose to. That was hard to watch as well.
I'm glad Thanksgiving is over.
There is so much going on in my soul today. Sometimes, when I get worked up like this, I wonder how I ever lived so many years always an emotional breakdown ready to happen. I'm grateful that today, I at least have an outlet and know what to do to handle so many of the issues facing me. I do need to claim a little bit more emotional stability and know that only happens when I empty my emotional cup. So here it goes....
My brother, his wife and two boys arrived last Sunday and left this morning. It has been glorious! I love them so much. We had so much fun driving around, playing Xbox and Rummikub, shopping, talking, and just hanging out. It was so much fun. I miss them so much. It makes me want to move to Utah. I had some really good discussions with my brother about a variety of things. At one point in time I was contemplating a full disclosure to him. I know he had a porn problem in high school and my mom told me a few years back that he still does. There are a few things I have seen that support that. His Internet is locked down and only his wife has the password. Also, he made a comment that he used to go to this exercise class at work, but was uncomfortable with what the women were wearing. However, no disclosure was made. It didn't feel safe and so I didn't do it. I was disappointed.
My little sister arrived yesterday and is staying under Sunday night. I love my sister, and sometimes I forget how much she annoys me. She made all these plans with friends while she was here, but didn't ask to use my car. She showed up and said she was going to borrow my car. Ummmm, ok? She challenges you on everything and when she doesn't agree with your reasoning, she makes fun of you or says things under her breath. I bought new pans at a Black Friday deal at Target. I got them specifically because they were dishwasher safe. She kept making comments over and over again about how they won't last as long if you wash them in the dishwasher, etc. I'm annoyed with her and she's only been her 24-hours. It's disappointing.
My older sister was a hermit the entire time the family was here. She worked during the day, but even when she came home at night she went to her room and hid herself. My brother commented on it several times. She didn't really help plan anything and wasn't engaged with the boys. It was disappointing to watch.
There has been some family drama with my mom and one of my brothers. I really wanted to refrain from discussing it or making it part of my holiday. My mom tried to drag me into it and I didn't respond to her about it because I just can't do that level of drama and anxiety in my life anymore. Yet, I found myself talking about it all the time. Not only that, I felt a few times like I was adding to the drama. I didn't like that feeling and stopped immediately. I was disappointed in my behavior over the week. When my mom called today, she was guarded. Yesterday, she didn't even call or talk to me. I called and left her a message, but she didn't respond. She called all of my siblings who were at my house, but didn't call me. I was sad and hurt, actually. I blew it off while all the kids comments on it, but today, I'm upset about it.
Three nights ago I had a dream about Steve. We ran into each other at a grocery store. It was a store I'm familiar with in California, though I've never been there with him. He wanted to spend some time together, to go to dinner, and just be friends. I was particularly guarded, in my dream, and kept telling him I didn't see the point of doing that, yet could feel that with the right words or right touch I wouldn't be able to say no. I did say no though. I held my ground and didn't spend time with him. I woke up both proud of myself for saying no even in a dream, yet disappointed in myself for missing him like crazy. I have no pictures of him, or email, or letters, or texts or anything. I even burnt most of the journal writings I had about him from the last three years. Seeing him again, even in a dream, was difficult.
I turned in my final project for one of my MBA classes only to have it returned. There are four out of twelve sections I have to re-write. Disappointing.
I'm starting to realize I have a lot more work to do around my family than I understood. I'm still very co-dependent with them. I did better, way better than I have in the past, but still have a long way to go. I kept up some of my personal stuff while they were here, but most I didn't.
Last Thanksgiving, I was living in Utah. Thanksgiving was one of the last times my dad left the house. We went to my brothers house and had dinner. It was fun, but dad wanted to leave almost immediately after dinner. It was one of the last times he walked by himself. It made me miss him. My mom spent the holiday alone. Not because she didn't have other options, she did, but because she chose to. That was hard to watch as well.
I'm glad Thanksgiving is over.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Rambling
Jumble of thoughts and feelings today. I need to focus though, so I'm going to see if I can get these all out.
Had to face my sexual anorexia this week. In order to not act out, I avoid everything remotely sexual or romantic. Seriously. I don't want movies or TV that has a love story, can't read books with one, avoid dressing up or going out. I've completely socially disengaged. I have a few friends I do very tame things with, dinner and an occasional movie. I know it's not the healthy approach, but it is what has gotten me through so far. After my big jealousy outburst last week, my therapist recommended practicing feeling sensual. How the hell do you do that? I've been thinking about it all day and have no answer that doesn't lead to acting out. But I have to find one.
It was pointed out to me by my sponsor that my jealousy rage this week was rooted in comparison. I thought about that a lot. I am comparing myself to everyone around me. I am calling everything I see normal, and my life dysfunctional. The longer I let that idea sink in and tear apart how I was feeling, I've come to a new conclusion. I'm scared. Terrified is a better word for it. I'm terrified that I will never have another relationship or sexual experience. It makes me sick to think that my only relationship and sexual experiences will be addictive ones.
My therapist also pointed out that I have some entitlement issues. That is not a surprise to me, though he seemed to be surprised by it. He gave me an explanation about how sometimes it's difficult to see the entitlement connections between thought and action. It's not hard for me really.
I felt completely rejected by LDS men, thus abandoned by God, so I started searching for people who would accept me, thus my online personal ad endeavors. I maintained these complex friendships with LDS men and used other men to get my emotional and physical needs met.
I play the hero role in my family and navigate a difficult situation while keeping everyone happy and engaged. I do all of that, with no acknowledgement or consideration of how I feel. So afterwards, I deserve to be taken care of, whether through fantasy and masturbation or by acting out with someone.
When I was contemplating marrying Steve, I prayed and prayed and prayed about it. I never felt anything but peace about the whole situation. I'm experienced with the Spirit and have received answers to many prayers. When the whole marriage disclosure happened, I was very angry with God. How could I feel peace about it when he was married? I don't always feel Heavenly Father has my best interest in mind, or better phrased, I'm afraid He's going to ask me to do really hard things that I don't want to do, like be alone the rest of my life, never have my own children, etc. While writing that I thought to myself, cause having an addiction is an easy thing to do? This issue is complicated between my head and heart.
Enough for now... I don't want to cry anymore today. I am so tired of crying this week.
Had to face my sexual anorexia this week. In order to not act out, I avoid everything remotely sexual or romantic. Seriously. I don't want movies or TV that has a love story, can't read books with one, avoid dressing up or going out. I've completely socially disengaged. I have a few friends I do very tame things with, dinner and an occasional movie. I know it's not the healthy approach, but it is what has gotten me through so far. After my big jealousy outburst last week, my therapist recommended practicing feeling sensual. How the hell do you do that? I've been thinking about it all day and have no answer that doesn't lead to acting out. But I have to find one.
It was pointed out to me by my sponsor that my jealousy rage this week was rooted in comparison. I thought about that a lot. I am comparing myself to everyone around me. I am calling everything I see normal, and my life dysfunctional. The longer I let that idea sink in and tear apart how I was feeling, I've come to a new conclusion. I'm scared. Terrified is a better word for it. I'm terrified that I will never have another relationship or sexual experience. It makes me sick to think that my only relationship and sexual experiences will be addictive ones.
My therapist also pointed out that I have some entitlement issues. That is not a surprise to me, though he seemed to be surprised by it. He gave me an explanation about how sometimes it's difficult to see the entitlement connections between thought and action. It's not hard for me really.
I felt completely rejected by LDS men, thus abandoned by God, so I started searching for people who would accept me, thus my online personal ad endeavors. I maintained these complex friendships with LDS men and used other men to get my emotional and physical needs met.
I play the hero role in my family and navigate a difficult situation while keeping everyone happy and engaged. I do all of that, with no acknowledgement or consideration of how I feel. So afterwards, I deserve to be taken care of, whether through fantasy and masturbation or by acting out with someone.
When I was contemplating marrying Steve, I prayed and prayed and prayed about it. I never felt anything but peace about the whole situation. I'm experienced with the Spirit and have received answers to many prayers. When the whole marriage disclosure happened, I was very angry with God. How could I feel peace about it when he was married? I don't always feel Heavenly Father has my best interest in mind, or better phrased, I'm afraid He's going to ask me to do really hard things that I don't want to do, like be alone the rest of my life, never have my own children, etc. While writing that I thought to myself, cause having an addiction is an easy thing to do? This issue is complicated between my head and heart.
Enough for now... I don't want to cry anymore today. I am so tired of crying this week.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Texas
..... that is where I should be this weekend. I should be at the Circuit of The Americas watching the Formula 1 race. But I can't go. Not because the tickets are outrageous priced (which they are) or because I can't afford the plane ticket or anything like that, but because Steve will be there. Formula 1 was our thing. I've always loved car racing, but I was more of a Nascar junkie prior to Steve. He is at the track for the weekend and I can't risk running into him. He even text me a picture of his tickets last night. I didn't respond and called my sponsor to check in and let her know he contacted me. Then I went to my SA meeting this morning and shared my feelings about the whole thing. One of the members shared after me and said he wished he could take a baseball bat to "that guy's head". Thank you. Me, too.
Enjoy the race, Steve. I'm not even going to watch it on TV. Actually, I quit keeping up with Formula 1 about 6 months ago when I said goodbye to you. It's triggering and I don't need to invite triggers into my life, enough come with no effort on my part.
Enjoy the race, Steve. I'm not even going to watch it on TV. Actually, I quit keeping up with Formula 1 about 6 months ago when I said goodbye to you. It's triggering and I don't need to invite triggers into my life, enough come with no effort on my part.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Affirmations
Just a few weeks ago I wrote and started reading some daily affirmations. It was like the universal message of the week. At my individual, group, nutritional AND physical therapy appointments, each therapist talked about affirmations. When that happens, I take it as a sign and do something about it.
To be honest, affirmations have always felt a bit silly to me. I had an uncle that swore by them. When I visited their house when I was younger, I noticed that in every bathroom, on every mirror there were a series of cards taped that had, what I thought, were silly things to say to yourself. Stuff like "You always close the deal" and "Everyone is interested in what you have to say". Now, of course, I realize he was in sales.
To help with my new task, I reviewed several websites about how to write and use affirmations effectively. It was enlightening. Using one of the techniques, I narrowed down four particular areas I struggle with: feeling good enough, anxiety, feeling healthy, and loving myself. I then came up with three affirmations in each category that spoke to me about particular things I struggle with.
When I first started reading them I kind of felt weird, but they have had almost an immediate effect in my life. "I am calm and relaxed in every situation" has been particularly helpful. As I drive or when I find myself in stressful situations or in circumstances I don't feel capable of handling, I repeat it in my mind several times. Putting a little bit of distance between myself and the emotion allows me to think more clearly and it truly does allow me to feel calm and relaxed.
"I am a physically active person and that helps me reach and maintain my ideal weight". I have lost 6 lbs in the first two weeks of this month. Not because I'm dieting or am crazy about exercise or anything like that. Just because I am more physically active and because everyday I tell myself "My body is healthy and functioning in a very good way." Seriously -- this feels like magic sometimes.
When I find myself being judgemental, "I am worthy and so is everybody. I love all." comes into my head. I don't try to remember these affirmations at moments when I'm critical, they just come into my head. When you read them enough times they start to become part of your thinking. I've known that, or that has at least been told to me, but I have never experienced it like this before.
My personal favorite: "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." (Preach My Gospel, pg. 52) I feel there is a lot of things that are unfair about life. A lot. Life was never intended to be fair, I get that. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. What has made it easier? Feeling connected to my Savior. Just this morning I said during prayer, "I don't want to feel lonely today, please stay with me." He did. All day. And for that, I am grateful.
Affirmations have made a huge difference in my life in just three short weeks.
To be honest, affirmations have always felt a bit silly to me. I had an uncle that swore by them. When I visited their house when I was younger, I noticed that in every bathroom, on every mirror there were a series of cards taped that had, what I thought, were silly things to say to yourself. Stuff like "You always close the deal" and "Everyone is interested in what you have to say". Now, of course, I realize he was in sales.
To help with my new task, I reviewed several websites about how to write and use affirmations effectively. It was enlightening. Using one of the techniques, I narrowed down four particular areas I struggle with: feeling good enough, anxiety, feeling healthy, and loving myself. I then came up with three affirmations in each category that spoke to me about particular things I struggle with.
When I first started reading them I kind of felt weird, but they have had almost an immediate effect in my life. "I am calm and relaxed in every situation" has been particularly helpful. As I drive or when I find myself in stressful situations or in circumstances I don't feel capable of handling, I repeat it in my mind several times. Putting a little bit of distance between myself and the emotion allows me to think more clearly and it truly does allow me to feel calm and relaxed.
"I am a physically active person and that helps me reach and maintain my ideal weight". I have lost 6 lbs in the first two weeks of this month. Not because I'm dieting or am crazy about exercise or anything like that. Just because I am more physically active and because everyday I tell myself "My body is healthy and functioning in a very good way." Seriously -- this feels like magic sometimes.
When I find myself being judgemental, "I am worthy and so is everybody. I love all." comes into my head. I don't try to remember these affirmations at moments when I'm critical, they just come into my head. When you read them enough times they start to become part of your thinking. I've known that, or that has at least been told to me, but I have never experienced it like this before.
My personal favorite: "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." (Preach My Gospel, pg. 52) I feel there is a lot of things that are unfair about life. A lot. Life was never intended to be fair, I get that. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. What has made it easier? Feeling connected to my Savior. Just this morning I said during prayer, "I don't want to feel lonely today, please stay with me." He did. All day. And for that, I am grateful.
Affirmations have made a huge difference in my life in just three short weeks.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Goodbye
Dear Steven,
Though we
haven’t talked in months, I have been continually haunted by aspects of our
relationship. I need and want to say my final goodbye and move on.
I want to
start by thanking you for the things that I learned from you. Before we met,
all of my intimate experiences had been addictive, sometimes borderline
abusive. You had a respect and love for me and my body that I didn’t have, or
even knew existed. My intimate experiences changed when we met. I am grateful
for that. I am also grateful for your support through some very difficult
moments in my life. We were always crisis friends. I honestly don’t think I would have survived
some of those times without you. I appreciate that more than I can express. Finally, coming clean with me about your
marriage took courage. You could have disappeared again and left me wondering
for years. It took nerve to be honest with me and tell me what was really going
on. Ours was a powerful and important relationship in my life for many reasons.
I have learned so much through this about who I am, who I am becoming, and what
I want my life to be. I thank you for that.
However, the
door on our time together has closed. At first, I didn’t want that to be true.
I wanted to be able to keep all the positive aspects of our relationship alive.
But the more time that has passed, the more I realize they weren’t so positive.
For seven years you lived a lie with me. You led me on, manipulated me, and
made promises to me about the life we would have some day. When I got
frustrated because I couldn’t make sense of things, you let me believe I was
the problem. You even led me to that
conclusion most of the time. I went a little crazier every year, really
believing that I wasn’t enough, that I was broken, flawed, and that no one
could possibly love or commit to me. Even after I knew the truth, you would
take the emotional anger I had towards you and redirect it towards me and my
family. By that time I was so bonded with you, I believed everything you said.
You took advantage of that. You took advantage of me.
There was a
time I really thought I couldn’t be happy without you. But that time has
passed. We have always said our relationship was magical. There were times I
felt you were truly a gift from God in my life. And I still believe that. I was
headed down a very destructive path when I met you. In many ways, our
relationship stopped me from sliding further. But now, it has been holding me
back from moving on and pressing forward. I don’t want to be stuck here
anymore, revisiting this relationship over and over again, beating myself up unnecessarily.
Truth is, you did this to me, and I don’t want a relationship of any kind with
someone who wrecks this kind of damage in the lives of people he claims to
love.
Goodbye,
Steven. I do forgive you for all of it. I hope you will forgive my part in it
as well. As I move forward with my life, I know there will be times when
memories resurface and I think of you. When that happens, I will smile for all
the good times, say a quick prayer of continued forgiveness, and let it
go.
Take care of
yourself, Steven.
Amy
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