Goodbye

Dear Steven,

Though we haven’t talked in months, I have been continually haunted by aspects of our relationship. I need and want to say my final goodbye and move on.

I want to start by thanking you for the things that I learned from you. Before we met, all of my intimate experiences had been addictive, sometimes borderline abusive. You had a respect and love for me and my body that I didn’t have, or even knew existed. My intimate experiences changed when we met. I am grateful for that. I am also grateful for your support through some very difficult moments in my life. We were always crisis friends.  I honestly don’t think I would have survived some of those times without you. I appreciate that more than I can express.  Finally, coming clean with me about your marriage took courage. You could have disappeared again and left me wondering for years. It took nerve to be honest with me and tell me what was really going on. Ours was a powerful and important relationship in my life for many reasons. I have learned so much through this about who I am, who I am becoming, and what I want my life to be. I thank you for that. 

However, the door on our time together has closed. At first, I didn’t want that to be true. I wanted to be able to keep all the positive aspects of our relationship alive. But the more time that has passed, the more I realize they weren’t so positive. For seven years you lived a lie with me. You led me on, manipulated me, and made promises to me about the life we would have some day. When I got frustrated because I couldn’t make sense of things, you let me believe I was the problem.  You even led me to that conclusion most of the time. I went a little crazier every year, really believing that I wasn’t enough, that I was broken, flawed, and that no one could possibly love or commit to me. Even after I knew the truth, you would take the emotional anger I had towards you and redirect it towards me and my family. By that time I was so bonded with you, I believed everything you said. You took advantage of that. You took advantage of me.

There was a time I really thought I couldn’t be happy without you. But that time has passed. We have always said our relationship was magical. There were times I felt you were truly a gift from God in my life. And I still believe that. I was headed down a very destructive path when I met you. In many ways, our relationship stopped me from sliding further. But now, it has been holding me back from moving on and pressing forward. I don’t want to be stuck here anymore, revisiting this relationship over and over again, beating myself up unnecessarily. Truth is, you did this to me, and I don’t want a relationship of any kind with someone who wrecks this kind of damage in the lives of people he claims to love.

Goodbye, Steven. I do forgive you for all of it. I hope you will forgive my part in it as well. As I move forward with my life, I know there will be times when memories resurface and I think of you. When that happens, I will smile for all the good times, say a quick prayer of continued forgiveness, and let it go. 

Take care of yourself, Steven.

Amy