Fear: I'm slightly afraid that I'm going to be the new Primary President in my ward. Our wonderful president is moving in a few weeks and from the questions I received from the bishopric today, I really believe they're considering me. I haven't done a bigger calling like that since I've been in recovery. I don't know what that would look like. I'm currently the Primary Chorister, Single Adult Stake rep, and have just been asked to produce and direct next years youth presentation of "From Cumorah's Hill." It's not like I'm busy or anything, right? But at the same time, I made a covenant in the temple to dedicate my time, talents, and anything the Lord has blessed me with to the kingdom of God. Anyway.... I'm talking in circles here. I'm worried about over-committing and I'm worried about handling anxiety and stress.
Shame: No shame today.
Anger: No anger today.
Guilt: I took a 4 hour nap today. The thing is, I didn't even plan it. I fell asleep reading with the light on and didn't even move for 4 hours. I feel a little guilty about that -- actually, no I don't. I needed to sleep. Nevermind, no guilt today.
Pain: No pain today.
Loneliness: No more than the normal... which is good.
Joy: My little sister had a really good birthday weekend! She has been so discouraged lately with a number of things going on in her life. I'm so joyful for her!
Love: I know I've talked about Adam before.... but today, we walked into church at the same time. He came up and hugged me and said -- "It's my Sistah Smiff!" As he walked away with his parents he turned to his mom and said, "Sistah Smiff loves me!" It melted my heart. Yes I do, Adam, more than you probably know. Not having my own children is one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life. And I know the Lord has given me these moments with all of these amazing children to let me know I am not forgotten. It is one of His tender mercies in my life.
Passion: Passsing on this one again tonight.
Update: Guilt - I am feeling guilty about something that happened in Primary. We were practing for the Primary Program and one of the times we practiced standing up was REALLY bad. I said out loud -- ok that was Horrible! I quickly caught myself. I hate saying things like that to anyone. I try to never use words like Horrible, or terrible to anyone. They are very shaming words. I will apologize next week. I don't want anyone to think they are horrible. I immediately changed the way that I said it and we did a really good stand-up the next time. Anyway -- just need to let the guilt go.
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