Whole

I realized I lingered in bed a little too long this morning after my alarm, when the fantasy started.  I entertained it for about 15 seconds, after which I got up.  The guilt trip started immediately. You should have gotten up earlier. You shouldn't be so lazy. You can't go there. You have so much to do today.  Your body might think it wants sex, but you don't.  The last statement, or automatic thought, jolted me a little bit. Your body? Like your body is separate from who you are? This was a mental fantasy, my body doesn't start those.  Why do I blame my body as if it was not part of me? I didn't quite know what to make of those thoughts.

I got up and continued about my morning with this stream of negative talk. You shouldn't eat that for breakfast. You should have gotten up earlier and went to the gym. You should have done these dishes yesterday. You didn't blog again last night. What is wrong with you? You should mow the lawn today.  On and on it went all morning.  I couldn't seem to make it stop.

I sat down at the piano to peruse some new music I bought yesterday. It was fun to sightread some rather difficult music better than I expected.  I tried to listen to the thoughts running through my head.  I've been practicing and it shows. The scales I've been working on really come in handy in this piece. I am a better pianist than I sometimes give myself credit for. I am excited to learn these pieces. I think I'm going to call Laurel and ask to take lessons.  The difference was glaringly obvious.

When I'm not happy with what I'm going - I talk to myself in third person usually followed by a shaming word...  You should, You shouldn't be, You can't, You didn't, You're wrong, etc.

When I'm feeling confident with what I've been doing, or am pleased with myself, I talk to myself in first person....  I am, I think, I've been working, I've been, etc.

In the height of my addiction, everything was compartmentalized. Whole parts of my life were divided by giant walls from other parts of my life. In the height of the craziness, whole conversations would play out between these different parts of me in my head. Crazy is the only way to describe it. I worked diligently to keep these selves separate from each other. It was the only way to not have a total breakdown. If the spiritual self really comprehended what the sex addict or food addict selves were doing, I don't think I could have lived with myself.  And when that wall finally came down last year, I couldn't live with myself. It was the only time I really contemplated suicide. It was literally get help or die, those were my only options.

Over the last year, my selves have had to make peace with each other and learn to co-exist. It's been a long tedious process, but one I've been extremely grateful for.  I've been more at peace, more stable, more calm and relaxed than I have been in years. I don't have to worry about who I told what lie to. I don't have to play the games that come with secrecy. I feel like a completely different person.

What I haven't noticed over the last year, is how differently I talk to myself. Until this morning, of course. You and should are words I don't use very often anymore. They don't help. They continue to separate the different sides of myself and only cause additional shame. I can't change anything about myself until I own in, and I can't own it if I'm in some sort of shame or denial state.  You is a denial word when you're talking to yourself.  There is a huge shift in ownership when you say to yourself, I shouldn't have done that, instead of You shouldn't have done that.  And I try never to use the words should or shouldn't. I've been trying to say, I regret having done that.

Early in recovery, it took me a number of months before I was able to even say My addiction. I would always say, I have an addiction, but was unwilling to own it as My addiction. Recovery started changing when I made that shift.

I'm grateful for the reminder this morning that I am a whole person living in recovery from my addiction. I'm not compartmentalized or sectioned off, with divided selves trying to co-exist anymore. I don't need walls or secrets anymore. As one of my affirmations says:

I am a valuable person. I approve of myself and love myself deeply and completely.