Rambling

Jumble of thoughts and feelings today. I need to focus though, so I'm going to see if I can get these all out.

Had to face my sexual anorexia this week. In order to not act out, I avoid everything remotely sexual or romantic.  Seriously. I don't want movies or TV that has a love story, can't read books with one, avoid dressing up or going out.  I've completely socially disengaged. I have a few friends I do very tame things with, dinner and an occasional movie.  I know it's not the healthy approach, but it is what has gotten me through so far.  After my big jealousy outburst last week, my therapist recommended practicing feeling sensual.  How the hell do you do that?  I've been thinking about it all day and have no answer that doesn't lead to acting out.  But I have to find one.

It was pointed out to me by my sponsor that my jealousy rage this week was rooted in comparison. I thought about that a lot. I am comparing myself to everyone around me. I am calling everything I see normal, and my life dysfunctional. The longer I let that idea sink in and tear apart how I was feeling, I've come to a new conclusion. I'm scared. Terrified is a better word for it.  I'm terrified that I will never have another relationship or sexual experience.  It makes me sick to think that my only relationship and sexual experiences will be addictive ones.

My therapist also pointed out that I have some entitlement issues.  That is not a surprise to me, though he seemed to be surprised by it.  He gave me an explanation about how sometimes it's difficult to see the entitlement connections between thought and action.  It's not hard for me really. 

I felt completely rejected by LDS men, thus abandoned by God, so I started searching for people who would accept me, thus my online personal ad endeavors.  I maintained these complex friendships with LDS men and used other men to get my emotional and physical needs met.

I play the hero role in my family and navigate a difficult situation while keeping everyone happy and engaged. I do all of that, with no acknowledgement or consideration of how I feel. So afterwards, I deserve to be taken care of, whether through fantasy and masturbation or by acting out with someone. 

When I was contemplating marrying Steve, I prayed and prayed and prayed about it. I never felt anything but peace about the whole situation. I'm experienced with the Spirit and have received answers to many prayers.  When the whole marriage disclosure happened, I was very angry with God.  How could I feel peace about it when he was married?  I don't always feel Heavenly Father has my best interest in mind, or better phrased, I'm afraid He's going to ask me to do really hard things that I don't want to do, like be alone the rest of my life, never have my own children, etc.  While writing that I thought to myself, cause having an addiction is an easy thing to do?  This issue is complicated between my head and heart.

Enough for now... I don't want to cry anymore today.  I am so tired of crying this week.