7.6

Anger: I worked on my letter to Steve today for therapy tomorrow. Working through the anger there.

Fear: I had dreams that I was masturbating last night. I woke up in a panic about 2am, fearful that I had masturbated. When I woke up enough to realize I hadn't, I also knew if I didn't get out of bed, I would. I hate moments like that. I can't control my dreams and I don't like the fear they bring.

Shame: No shame today.

Guilt: No guilt today, either.

Pain: Just emotional pain and lots of it.

Loneliness: Let's not get started on this one tonight. I'm already crying and I have hardly written anything.

Love: I bought new clothes tonight. I love my new pink puffy vest.

Joy: I was joyful that I got through the night without blowing it.  11 days to five months.  I can make it.

Passion: No.

Since it's November, I'm going to add a daily grateful moment to the blog.

Today I am grateful for the children in my life. I truly feel they are a gift from my Heavenly Father right now. Children see me. They don't care what I look like, what clothes I'm wearing, if I did my makeup or if I'm a sex addict. They don't know that, but I think if they did, it wouldn't matter to them. They see who I am and they love me. All of my primary kids, piano students, and nephews. They are a huge blessing in my life, particularly right now. I'm grateful to all of my friends who lovingly share their children with me.  Thank you.

I have a second therapy appointment tomorrow. This Steve letter is killing me.  After we review tomorrow, I'm going to ask for a week off. I need some space from the pain.