Entitlement

At my last therapy appointment, it was suggested that I had some entitlement issues around acting out.  Not wanting to set me off or upset me, I think my therapist used a soft sell on the concept.  I knew right away, he was right. 

I dropped my little sister off at the airport about an hour ago.    My family is so stressful.  The amount of anxiety that builds up in my system when I spend this much time with them is unreal.  On the drive home, I wanted to talk.  I wanted to blow off some steam, and vent about everything going on. I wanted someone to say "Wow!  Look at how well you handled all of that!"  or even just the validation of "Yes, your family is crazy!"   For about 30 minutes I need it to be about me and not about the craziness of my family.  I called two of my friends and left messages.  When I finished my second message and hung up the phone, I was kind of blown away with the thoughts that ran through my head. 

     I should get online and find someone to talk to.
     It would be easy, I know what to say.
     I really want an orgasm.
     I handled things really well, everyone went home happy, I deserve this.

The last one is what really stopped me in my tracks.  I deserve this?

I deserve a life of addiction? One governed by secrets and lies?  I deserve to be used and disrespected?  I deserve the heartache and pain I've experienced through all of this?  I don't think so.  I made some wrong choices, sure, but I don't deserve this. 

I deserve....

• to be treated with respect.
• to feel loved.
• to be accepted for who I am and not judged.
• to feel free to share my opinion.
• the freedom to make mistakes and learn.
• the security to try new things and fail.
• to know I can trust people.

When I take time to reflect in moments like these, I am filled with gratitude.  I remember clearly when those thoughts in my head were my reality. I would plan acting out encounters around my family gatherings and events. Though physically and emotionally present during family time, I wasn't myself.  I sacrifice who I am when I am around them. I become this other person to meet all of their needs, to keep the peace, to make things right and to fix things.  I don't share with them who I am.  I've never been able to do that. I needed acting out to find myself again. I needed the acknowledgement that I was not my family. Each new man I chatted with online or on the phone was my rediscovering myself.  As I explained who I was and talked with them, I found myself again. They were the people in my life I was most honest with about who I was. I wasn't scared they would run away or reject me.  I didn't really care if they did.  They weren't real.  I put myself out there whole-heartedly.  I had several of them talk about how sexy my confidence was.  Why can't I be that way in person?

I am grateful I don't have to turn to acting out to find myself again.  I'm grateful that I was able to not really lose myself this week.  There were moments I felt lost, trust me, but they weren't consuming, nor were they long episodes.  I am grateful to have a better sense of self.