Disappointed

Well.... Thanksgiving is over.  I am still sober in both addictions and feel like I did more than just survive this holiday.  I'm grateful for that.

There is so much going on in my soul today. Sometimes, when I get worked up like this, I wonder how I ever lived so many years always an emotional breakdown ready to happen.  I'm grateful that today, I at least have an outlet and know what to do to handle so many of the issues facing me.  I do need to claim a little bit more emotional stability and know that only happens when I empty my emotional cup.  So here it goes....

My brother, his wife and two boys arrived last Sunday and left this morning. It has been glorious! I love them so much.  We had so much fun driving around, playing Xbox and Rummikub, shopping, talking, and just hanging out. It was so much fun. I miss them so much. It makes me want to move to Utah. I had some really good discussions with my brother about a variety of things. At one point in time I was contemplating a full disclosure to him. I know he had a porn problem in high school and my mom told me a few years back that he still does.  There are a few things I have seen that support that. His Internet is locked down and only his wife has the password.  Also, he made a comment that he used to go to this exercise class at work, but was uncomfortable with what the women were wearing.  However, no disclosure was made.  It didn't feel safe and so I didn't do it.  I was disappointed.

My little sister arrived yesterday and is staying under Sunday night. I love my sister, and sometimes I forget how much she annoys me.  She made all these plans with friends while she was here, but didn't ask to use my car.  She showed up and said she was going to borrow my car. Ummmm, ok? She challenges you on everything and when she doesn't agree with your reasoning, she makes fun of you or says things under her breath. I bought new pans at a Black Friday deal at Target. I got them specifically because they were dishwasher safe.  She kept making comments over and over again about how they won't last as long if you wash them in the dishwasher, etc.  I'm annoyed with her and she's only been her 24-hours.  It's disappointing.

My older sister was a hermit the entire time the family was here. She worked during the day, but even when she came home at night she went to her room and hid herself. My brother commented on it several times. She didn't really help plan anything and wasn't engaged with the boys.  It was disappointing to watch.

There has been some family drama with my mom and one of my brothers. I really wanted to refrain from discussing it or making it part of my holiday. My mom tried to drag me into it and I didn't respond to her about it because I just can't do that level of drama and anxiety in my life anymore.  Yet, I found myself talking about it all the time.  Not only that, I felt a few times like I was adding to the drama. I didn't like that feeling and stopped immediately.  I was disappointed in my behavior over the week.  When my mom called today, she was guarded.  Yesterday, she didn't even call or talk to me. I called and left her a message, but she didn't respond.  She called all of my siblings who were at my house, but didn't call me.  I was sad and hurt, actually.  I blew it off while all the kids comments on it, but today, I'm upset about it. 

Three nights ago I had a dream about Steve. We ran into each other at a grocery store. It was a store I'm familiar with in California, though I've never been there with him. He wanted to spend some time together, to go to dinner, and just be friends. I was particularly guarded, in my dream, and kept telling him I didn't see the point of doing that, yet could feel that with the right words or right touch I wouldn't be able to say no. I did say no though. I held my ground and didn't spend time with him. I woke up both proud of myself for saying no even in a dream, yet disappointed in myself for missing him like crazy.  I have no pictures of him, or email, or letters, or texts or anything.  I even burnt most of the journal writings I had about him from the last three years. Seeing him again, even in a dream, was difficult.

I turned in my final project for one of my MBA classes only to have it returned. There are four out of twelve sections I have to re-write.  Disappointing. 

I'm starting to realize I have a lot more work to do around my family than I understood. I'm still very co-dependent with them. I did better, way better than I have in the past, but still have a long way to go. I kept up some of my personal stuff while they were here, but most I didn't.

Last Thanksgiving, I was living in Utah. Thanksgiving was one of the last times my dad left the house.  We went to my brothers house and had dinner. It was fun, but dad wanted to leave almost immediately after dinner. It was one of the last times he walked by himself. It made me miss him. My mom spent the holiday alone. Not because she didn't have other options, she did, but because she chose to. That was hard to watch as well.

I'm glad Thanksgiving is over.