Emotions

Today was a relatively good day.  Between my physical therapy, individual therapy, nutritional therapy, and the SA meeting I attended, you would think I would be emotionally worn out.  Seriously, I will never schedule all those appointments in the same day again.  Not sure what I was thinking there.  Yet, as I sit here tonight, I feel anxious.  I have this general undercurrent of emotion going on.  Using my "Core Emotions" tool, let's see if I can get it figured out.

Anger:  Don't really remember anger today. 

Fear:  During my nutritional therapy today, I said something that totally came out wrong.  I had an actual nutrition question. We talk about actual nutrition, but not all the time.  I said something like, "Can we do some actual nutrition work today?"  After it came out of my mouth, I realized it could totally be taken the wrong way and be offensive to my amazing nutritional therapist.  I felt HORRIBLE.  I started crying and was totally overcome with emotion, as I tried to tell her that I didn't mean it that way and that I really valued the work that we had done together.  Afterwards, she explained she was going to be gone for two weeks in December and we probably didn't need to get back together until early January.  I was/am feeling fearful and shameful about it.  It kind of felt like she didn't want to see me again for awhile.  What if she feels horrible about it?  What if she thought I was trying to discredit the amazing work I feel like I've done with her.  She text me tonight and said everything was all good.  Why can't I trust that? Why do I still feel scared about it. 

Shame:  I started fantasizing last night while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep.  I talked about it today and made support calls, but I'm still feeling shameful about it. My fantasy wasn't even sexual. It was just making up someone to talk to.  But I know if had let it continue, it would end up sexual.  And fantasizing at all is VERY dangerous for me.  I feel shameful about it.  I wanted to masturbate last night -- seriously wanted an orgasm. I just wanted a release. I feel the same way right now. I want a release. I'm kind of worried about sleeping tonight. 

Guilt:  I have a lot to do for school and for my client and just around the house and I didn't make as much progress today as I would have liked. 

Loneliness:  I miss my dad today. I miss the relationship I had with my mom before I knew we were both crazy.  I miss my nephews who were here last week.  I miss my family.  I miss social gatherings. Part of me wants to retreat. Life would be easier, less painful, if I lost myself in silly romance movies, books and fantasy. I could masturbate when I wanted and not have to worry about interacting with others.  Though, I know that wouldn't alleviate my loneliness.  Then part of me wants to jump into dating again feet first with abandon and find someone to kiss.  I miss kissing.  I really would like to just kiss again.  It's been nearly two years since I held hands, cuddled with or kissed anyone.  When you're single -- sexual sobriety feels a lot like sexual anorexia.  I started crying writing that sentence.  I'm really scared about how lonely I feel right now in my life.  I'm scared I'll never make a connection again but I'm equally scared of making a connection.  How can I ever tell anyone I'm a sex addict?  What would that conversation even look like?  "Oh yeah -- by the way -- I just wanted to let you know I'm a recovering sex addict, who attends two meetings a week and going to therapy on a weekly basis.  Does that work for you?"  I know what a double-edged sword that is.  I've used that when flirting before.... "you know, I think I might be a sex addict... what do you think?"  Yet, I also know how deadly those words can be in the mind of the wrong man.  I don't feel like I can win in this situation.  I have a hard time I'm believing I'm worth the trouble.  I guess that is where I end up.  Am I worth the trouble?  Is someone going to really like me enough to deal with my past?  Are they going to be willing to go to therapy appointments with me when needed?  Is he going to be supportive when I need it?  How can I feel worth that? 

Pain:  My hip really hurts tonight.  So does my knee.  I've got to be more diligent about my exercises and things. 

Joy:  No real joy today. 

Passion:  No real passion today either. 

Love:  I talked with my therapist today about some of the entitlement issues I've had and some of the angst I've had towards Heavenly Father about Steve and answers I feel I've gotten in the past.  I've written about them before.  It was good to talk about them out loud.  I haven't done that before.  When I prayed about marrying Steve, I wasn't acting out. I wasn't in addiction. I was very serious about it and was in a good spiritual place, at least I felt that way.  The answer was always this incredible peaceful feeling with the reassurance that everything would be OK.  I always got up from those prayers with that feeling -- everything will be OK.  I thought the answer meant I would get the fairytale wedding I wanted.  Of course, I didn't know then that Steve was married. But Heavenly Father did.  Rather than give a No answer, one that I would probably have been extremely resentful about and not understood, He loved me enough to give to the peace and knowledge that everything would be OK.  And you know what?  Everything is OK.  I'm going to make it through this and be a better person because of it.  That is love.  And for that love, I will be forever grateful.