Addict?

In my attempts to be more honest and authentic I have shared with some people that I see a therapist.  Now, depending on the person, I don't always tell them the details.  Busting out with "I'm a sex addict" isn't always the best thing to do.  But, I do try to talk about some of the issues I face, co-dependency, enmeshment, shame, etc.  I've learned that naming something and saying it out loud somehow breaks the spell.

Tonight I went to a presentation and dinner with a friend.  As we talked over dinner he told me of a recent conversation he had with a co-worker.  During this conversation the woman told him multiple times that she was "broken" and felt fundamentally flawed.  That is a feeling I know far too well.  He took issue with the word "broken" and challenged her on it, explaining that people like Jeffery Dahmer or Adolph Hitler were broken people, and though she might have some "issues", she was not broken.  I listened to him tell the story with interest.  I have said for a long time that I feel fundamentally flawed, that something is wrong with me and I can't figure it out or fix it.  Sometimes it felt like everyone had some secret they were withholding from me and if I could just figure it out, I could fix my life. 

Knowing what I know now, I could agree with him.  I am not broken, nor is his co-worker.  But it has taken me a long time to get to this place.  The turning point was reading the book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw.  One way to identify the people that carry a lot of toxic shame is this feeling of unique brokenness, like the world holds a secret you can't figure out.  The book provided a list of emotional skills most people learn as children.  A flood of relief washed over me as I read the list, knowing I had none of the skills, but now knowing the secret.  I couldn't connect to people, couldn't relate or sustain relationships because I didn't have any of the healthy emotional skills on the list.  BUT - at least there was a list!!!!  I could learn them. I could figure it out, work on it and heal.  Sharing my experience with him tonight was healing.  For the first time, I said out loud, I am not broken.  I AM NOT BROKEN!!!  And I could feel the truth in it as I said it. 

As we drove home after dinner, he asked a few more questions about my therapy.  He seems to be strangely fascinated by it.  I've always tried to be as honest as I feel I can be with him, but there are things I hold back.  "I'm proud of you", he said tonight.  "Lots of people aren't willing to face their issues or deal with them head on.  Most are worried that seeing a therapist makes them a bad person, like an addict or something.  It's not like you're an addict.  You're much more normal than that."

Amazing how the pendulum swings!  Earlier this evening I felt so free. I am not broken and it felt so healing to share that moment with him.  Yet, not even an hour later with the same person, I felt incredibly shameful about being an addict.

Little does he know.........  and that's probably for the best.  Addiction is so misunderstood.

Family

For therapy homework this week, I've had to do a lot of analysis work on my family or origin. It's left me feeling 11, vulnerable on the playground all over again. I really do not like it.

In an attempt to be more open with my sister and try and be honest, I asked her thoughts on one of the exercises.  There are two statements that describe an Open vs. Closed family system and the participant is asked to select which statement is true for their family.  I had answered the questions, and then started reading them to my sister.  Mistake.

Did we even grow up in the same family?  Why are her and my experiences so vastly different.  They felt like night and day.  We didn't agree on a single statement.  I finished early as I felt the resentment start to build inside me. Was she really able to feel, so say what she wanted? Were her mistakes forgiven? Did she get to choose how she participated in the family?  Why didn't I have that experience?  For days, I've been caught up in these resentment feelings. If that was really her experience, then life is really not fair. Why couldn't I have grown up in that kind of environment? And how in the world did we grow up in the same family??  I've been angry for days about this.

Yesterday, as I thought, prayed and meditated about it, I had a moment of clarity. We sang Nephi's Courage in Primary yesterday.  It's one of our favorite songs in Primary.  They sing it with conviction and love.  All of the sudden things clicked for me.  Nephi's older brothers grew up in the same family as he did, with a prophet as a father.  They saw angels, had spiritual experiences and yet took a very different path in life.  Their interpretation of things from their childhood led to some of the most gruesome wars on the American Continent. No matter what Nephi thought or tried, they had their own decisions to make and their own paradigm. 

Now, I'm not Nephi - in fact in some cases, I would say I was more on Laman and Lemuel's side.  But it answered the question for me. How do two people grow up in the same situation and have vastly different experiences?  It's all about how you look at it.  We are each vastly unique with different needs, talents and abilities.  We have to trust that Heavenly Father will give us the experiences that we need and we, in turn, have to take those challenges and learn from them. 

Wrong?

I am incredibly overwhelmed with emotion this week and am having a hard time pinpointing what is wrong or exactly how I feel.  I seem to swing back and forth between extremes, either really happy or incredibly annoying or angry.

My sister, whom I live with, is incredibly annoying to me right now.  I can hardly stand to be with her.  Things all week have been totally triggering to me. They are little things, but seem to set me off so quickly.  Last night while I was finishing up in the kitchen she stood next to the light switch waiting for me to finish so she could turn the light out.  Earlier this week she went through my bag to find my keys. She also cleaned up after me in the kitchen one night. Today, she threw old bread on my clean patio & grass for the birds.

All these things make me feel inadequate, like she doesn't trust me or believe I can do anything on my own. I hate that she feels free to go through my stuff. There is no respect of me, my things or my privacy. Cleaning up after me again makes me feel inadequate, like she's mad and frustrated with me, like I'm a burden to her. Throwing bread on the lawn makes me angry. She does nothing to take care of our lawn or outside space. Ants are all over the bread and it makes my lawn and patio look dirty.

I get angry because I can't tell her any of this. I don't feel free to tell her any of my emotions. I feel trapped. I feel financially trapped living with her. I feel like she hates me. I feel like no matter what I do she will always hate me.

I'm lonely and sad. I'm frustrated and overwhelmed. I've cried all day. I'm jealous of the women in my group therapy who have people to talk to - husbands, family, etc. who know about their lives and they can discuss things with them.

Why do I feel like I can't talk to anyone about how I feel? At least in my family? I am the Relief Society President. I am the peacemaker. I can't be broken or have an opinion. It's my job to keep everyone else happy.  That has been my job for as long as I can remember. I am the pleaser. I hate it today. I hate it completely.

I'm incredibly sad, anxious and scared about my upcoming job change. I know it's my choice and the right thing to do, but I'm scared, angry and mad about it. Why do I have to change and leave - why is it always me who has to change and do the hard things?  Why am I always wrong?  When will I ever be ok? Ever be right? Ever be myself? I'm always the one who leaves - changes - fixes - alters. I'm always the one - so ultimately there must be something wrong with me. I don't fit in. no one/place/people accept me for who I am. My family, my work, my relationships -- are they ALL dysfunctional? That many people can't all be wrong - so I must be wrong.

So here's the catch -- I don't feel wrong. I have good relationships with normal people. I don't think I'm that abnormal. Do I have issues - yes - but who doesn't?

How do I find out if I'm the wrong one?

Friday

Every Friday for the past six months I drag myself out of bed at 6am, get ready for the day and hit a 7am SA meeting at a local church.  The first time I went, I sat outside in the parking lot for about 10 minutes before I had the courage to walk in. I'm the only woman who attends the group.  It was the first mixed meeting I ever went to. 

I LOVE this meeting.  Ever week there are men who gather with a lot of sobriety.  Some 5, 6 or even 7 years of solid sobriety.  They attend a weekly meeting and still make phone calls.  At the beginning of recovery they talk about having people whose sobriety you admire.  These were some of the first people I associated with about whom I could say "I want my sobriety to look like that!"  The men are incredibly kind to me, the lone woman. My crying doesn't seem to affect them, which I'm grateful for, and they have amazingly powerful things to say. 

We read from SA literature every week and then share about insights we had from the reading. I am often amazed at how many feelings we all seem to have in common. Deep down at our core, I think we all want the same thing. We want to be told we matter, we want to feel loved and secure, we want permission to be ourselves, to make mistakes, to have an opinion, and through it all feel valued. 

I really struggle with this. My entire life, my self-worth has been tied to accomplishment and service. I have only felt of value when I could ease some one's burden. Wanting, needing, seeking my own dreams or opinions was selfish. 

• Wanting friends was selfish, I should just be a friend to others.
• Wanting to be good at something was selfish, I should only use my talents to serve others. 
• Having needs was selfish, that made me a burden to someone else.
• Wanting things done a certain way was selfish, I should be tolerant and flexible to everyone around me.
• Needing help was selfish, I should be independent and do things for myself.
• Feeling was selfish, I should be of help to others regardless of how I was feeling.

Writing those statements is hard for me, because I still feel very much the same way. I'm so conflicted about having needs and desires and being selfish.  They feel very much the same thing. 

How do I learn to value myself? How do I learn to have dreams?  It doesn't feel safe. It makes me anxious and scared and shameful.