Inconsistency

FINALLY!!!!  After days, weeks really, of feeling overwhelmed, burnt out and just generally frustrated, I think I finally figured it out.

I'm frustrated with the level of inconsistency in my life. 

Examples:
Everyone you ask about me would say that I'm highly organized.  Everyone says that about me.  You should see my bedroom.  I haven't put sheet on my bed since I had a serious episode of the stomach flu in January.  The clean sheets are sitting on my dresser, folded even, I just haven't taken the time to put them on my bed.  I haven't swept the floor in my office for months.  I take my clothes off at the end of the day and dump them in a pile in the corner of my bedroom.  Then once a week I clean it up and put it in the clothes basket.  The clothes basket is literally 4 feet from where I dump my clothes.  I hope no one needs a ride from me -- my car is a disaster.  Not trash, but three coats, two pairs of shoes, things I've taken places and never returned to the garage or house... stuff like that.  Yet - from all appearances I am highly organized and very on top of it.

I am working to be rigorously honest about my feelings, thoughts and life with those around me.  Yet, I find myself telling really stupid small lies about things.  Last night I lied about seeing the local middle school musical.  It wouldn't have mattered if I had or hadn't.  I regret the fact that I didn't. I had intended to go, but overscheduled myself. The person I lied to really wouldn't have cared either way.  They didn't see it -- was I just trying to make myself seem better than them?  I don't know.  Earlier this week, I wasn't honest about what I was feeling with a friend of mine.  When he called me on my bad behavior, I was being very impatient with him, I swallowed my feelings, went into co-dependent mode and made it all better.  How hard would it have been for me to just say, "Yes, I'm sorry I'm being impatient with you (I was sorry), but I am having a hard time with the continual re-hash of this topic.  Can we pick up where we left off last time?"   Instead, I spent an entire evening with him, annoyed, frustrated and finding myself checking out further and further emotionally.

One of my goals is to eat for health.  Some days, my diet is awesome!!  Some weeks, it's awesome!  Other weeks, I get lazy and grab whatever is easiest and quick and not take the 15 minutes to make something better.  Last week was that way and I ended up throwing out the produce I bought.  This week has been a mish-mash of good and bad eating days. 

Spirituality and staying connected to God is very important to me.  I'm good at reading my scriptures and attending church.  I say quick prayers throughout the day and feel the spirit daily.  Yet - I haven't knelt down to say a prayer for over a week.  I think about it every day, multiple times even, but never make it happen. 

Relationships with others are very important to me.  I have a stack of cards and thoughts that have been sent to me over the past year probably and I keep saying, I'm going to reach out to these people and say hello, but I never do.  Never.  Why not?  If relationships are important to me, why am I not prioritizing them or finding time to reach out and talk to other people.  Even locally, I sometimes call people when I know it will go to voice mail, so I can say I reached out - but didn't actually have to interact with anyone.  Why do I do that?

Congruency. 

That was the word I picked as my theme this year.  I want to move to living a more congruent life.  I just identified several ways in which that's not happening.  I've got to start working on it.  Tomorrow will be the beginning of March.  The year is nearly 20% over and I haven't made a whole lot of progress on this yet.  Plan -- I need a plan.  Off to make a plan........

Actions of Love

As part of the stake youth musical project I'm directing, I'm reading the Book of Mormon at an accellerated rate at the moment.  I've been using time in the car to listen to various chapters to keep up with the pace. 

Today's chapter was Jacob 5, commonly referred to as the "Allegory of the Olive Tree".  This parable, told by Zenos and quoted by Jacob, is a story of the Lord of a tame olive vineyard, which grows old and begins to decay.  It talks about his efforts to save this vineyard which he loves. Although I know it's supposed to be about scattering and gathering of Israel and how the Gentiles will eventually be grafted into Israel, today it felt extremely personal. 

Listening to the Book of Mormon is such a different experience than reading it.  The reader is great at adding expression and emotion into the words.  I was really affected by this verse:

"But what could I have done more in my vineyard?  have I slackened my hand, that I have not nourished it? Nay, I have nourished it, and I have digged about it, and I have pruned it, and I have dunged it; and I have stretched forth mine hand almost all the day long, and the end draweth night.  And it grieveth me that I should hew down all the trees of my vineyard."  Jacob 5:47

Maybe it was the pleading in his voice as he said, "What could I have done more in my vineyard?"  One of my friend posted on facebook today, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"  I read that this morning and it stuck with me, especially because I feel it's a stupid question.  Bad things happen to everyone!  Good and bad people alike.  But as I listened to this verse I had another answer.

In this verse, the Lord of the vineyard, Jesus Christ, explains all the things He has done to save and preserve his vineyard.  He nourished it, digged about in it, pruned it and dunged it.  And through it all He "stretched forth" His hand.  These were acts of love.  He says, almost in despair, "What could I have done more?" 

How often do we get "pruned" and raise our voice to heaven in anger?  Like my friend said today:  "Why do bad things happen to good people?"  I could ask the same questions:   "Why didn't he love me the way I loved him?"  "Why did my dad die?"  "Why did I end up with an addiction?"  "Why can't I be married and have kids?" "Why is my family crazy?"  "Why do things never work out the way I want them to?"

We never complain when we are nourished.  But what about digged about or dunged?  I've often felt like I've been given a big pile of crap to deal with and wonder why that seems to be my lot in life.  Or why all of the sudden everything around me changes? 

Yet - these are all acts of love, and through all of it, His hand is stretched out all the day long. 

I will do a better job of reaching out to take His hand and remember that he is the Lord of the vineyard and has a much better view of what He needs me to be. 

Answers?

I need to answer the following questions..............

• Should I move closer to my family?
• Should I stay here?
• Should I find a full time job?
• Should I keep my small business and look for more clients?
• How much effort should I put into my small business?
• Should I start dating again?
• How do I meet people and start a new social life?
• Can I trust myself to do something online that doesn't end up in addictive behavior?
• Should I buy a house?
• If I stay here, where should I move when my lease is up?
• Should I have my hip replacement now or wait?
• If I wait, how long do I wait?
• If I do it now, should I do it here or go closer to my family where they can care for me?
• Should I keep teaching piano?
• Should I keep working on my MBA or not?
• Should I go on vacation this year?

......... help?

No wonder I'm exhausted.  Just writing that list tires me out.  I've got to make some decisions soon... this is killing me.  What do I do with my life?? 

Recovery Moments

Recovery happens moment by moment.  I had one today.

I met with my sponsor this morning to give away my 4th step information.  Step 4:  Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves.  I made four inventory lists, one of my fears, one of my resentments, one of my harms done to other people and one of my sexual experiences.  I hated doing it. I thought it was searching and fearless.  I put a lot of time into it.  Then, to do step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, you take your lists and read them to your sponsor. 

Today was to be my day. 

But it didn't go as planned.  I read my first lists, fears.  It wasn't extremely long, but included all the things I could think of that scare me in some way.  She asked me if it felt complete at the end.  It did.  Next was my resentment list.  It was much longer. She repeated the same question at the end.  It did felt complete.  I read my harms done list, the longest one, by far.  I got through it and she sat there looking at me and said, your lists are really short.  She then began challenging me on the lists.  She pointed out where I was avoiding things from my past. She helped me see areas of my life I was glossing over with a big, wide paintbrush and not getting into the details of what happened.  I hated it. I don't want to dive that deep into them. It's painful. It's hurtful, I don't want to think about it.

I left her house an hour later, knowing I'd have to put a lot more work into my lists.

As I drove away, I could feel my mind spinning.  I was angry, frustrated, feeling exposed and vulnerable.  I needed a fix.  My mind started with food.  Where could I stop, what could I made, how much coke would I need to consume to make me "feel" better?  I played it out in my head and knew it wouldn't give me what I was looking for.  I moved to lust next. I ran through names on my phone list, looking for men I could call that would validate who I am and my existence.  No luck.  I knew there wouldn't be, I deleted all those numbers over a year ago.  I thought for a moment about acting out. Getting online, reading CL ads and seeing what I could find. I started rationalizing.... if I didn't write an ad, I wasn't really acting out.  I played that forward in my mind and knew it would end badly, probably very badly.  I called a few people I thought I could discuss it with.  Because my sponsor and I run in the same SA circle, I wanted to be careful who I called and vented to her about.  No one answered. 

I was being to panic.  As I pulled my car in the driveway, I could hear the words in my head:  Recovery happens in these moments.

And so it does. I didn't eat or act out.  I knew I needed some space between me and the event before I had to deal with anything else. I was tired and emotional and that almost never ends well for me. So, I took a nap.  Maybe not the best choice, but definitely one of the better options.  When I got up and hour later, I took time to make healthy food for my body. Tonight, I connected with a friend and was able to share my frustration about the days events. 

Tonight, I'm anchored, calm and feeling secure.  I have some work to do, my sponsor is right in that. But I'm also aware tonight of the work that I've done by the choices I made today.  As an addict, I choose recovery moment by moment.  Today could have ended incredibly differently.  But it didn't and for that I am grateful. 

 

Busy..... Too Busy

This is dangerous territory for me.  I'm totally exhausted.  Literally having a hard time keeping my eyes open.  Yet - I don't want to go to bed.  I want me time. I want downtime, processing time, time to sit and think and write.  I'm too tired to make the time worthwhile. I try to read or write or think, but I'm too tired to really do much of anything but stare at the screen. 

For a good part of my life I lived like this every day.  I would work from the minute I got up to the minute I went to bed.  I'd take a pill to get to sleep right away, and stay asleep, and then drink caffeine in the morning to wake me up and stay at peak energy all day.  I wouldn't eat all day, caffeine is more effective that way, and then binge at night right before going to bed.  I'd wake up sick the next day from all the food I ate and would repeat the pattern for days on end.

Then - I would break.  After a few weeks, I would feel lost and out of control and sick to my stomach and want, need really, validation, comfort and support.  I didn't have people in my life who provided that for me, so I would find someone to act out with, who for a limited time, could provide those things in spades.  We'd have 2-3 days of intense online emailing and chatting and then move to the phone.  I'd take everything he would give... long hours on the phone at night or during the day.  Long sessions of phone sex.  It would last a few weeks at most.  I was always the one that ended it.  Typically, he got needy.  My busy, crazy life could only be put on hold for so long and as things got busy for me, I would ignore him more.  Then finally, just stop returning emails, chats, and calls and get back into my groove.

This last week, as I've been pulled many, many directions on a variety of things, I've felt those old thought processes return a little bit.  Of course, I don't immediately think I want to act out.  Because I don't want to act out.  But I do find myself wanting to steal that downtime from things I should be doing.  Like right now.... it would have been wise for me to hit the bed about 30 minutes ago, I have to be up at 5am tomorrow, and I'm exhausted.  Instead, I find myself thinking about how much I want some me time, some processing time, time to sit and write.  So here I am, writing.  I find myself wanting food, wanting caffeine, feeling entitled almost to eat whatever I want because I've been so busy and am doing so many things. 

You know what -- Stop -- I'm going to bed.  I'll deal with all of this in a few days when my major project is finished and things significantly calm down in my life.

Goodnight.

Ramblings....

I can't decide what I want to write about but feel the need to write.  Writing is a part of me, it always has been.  When my dad passed in 2011, I found a box of his possessions.  Inside was a large file folder full of yellow lined paper.  My dad was a writer. I learned later that my mom was also a writer.  I come from a writing family. 

Tonight the writing doesn't feel focused though.  It's going to be rambling.....

I went to dinner last night with one of my favorite friends. Our birthdays are one day apart and I'm one day older. :)  This year, we were both flat in bed sick on our birthdays.  So to make up for it, we went out last night.  We arrived at 7, ate and talked.  When I looked at my phone it was midnight.  We had talked for 5 hours but it sure didn't feel that way.  As we drove home, she said something like "I love talking to you, I feel like I should pay you for our four hour session."  Feels good on one hand, I always wonder if I talk too much or say too much, but made me feel like I preach too much.  She continued, "You always say the right thing and I have learned so much from you."  That calmed me down a little bit.  The conversation continued and I felt at ease when we parted.  I love her.  I was excited to share with her some of the connections and break-thoughs I've had in my own life, especially the ones involving the week I spent with her children.  It was a great experience. I was so glad to be able to share.  It felt good.

My SA meeting was great this morning. Four woman with good sobriety sharing their thoughts about their lives is always insightful.  We discussed step 10 this morning: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.  I love this step.  The idea of continually keeping your life in check, though difficult, is appealing to me.  Keeping this up to date is easier than having to do big catch-ups.  I love these women. The weekly opportunity to bare my soul and share my emotions and the experiences in my life.  I need it. 

I'm still struggling with this oppressive need for change. I can't seem to figure it out.

I'm totally exhausted.  I've been watching my friend's children in the mornings. I go there at 6 am for a few hours and get the kids up, feed them breakfast, do homework, read scriptures, and get them out the door to school on time.  Four kids, three teenagers and a 9 year old, are exhausting.  I've had so many other things to do lately that have kept me busy all day and at night as well.  I haven't had much sleep and am really tired.  I'm enjoy it though. 

Tomorrow is going to be a great day. I know it. My life is good. It feels good. I feel good.

From VICTIM to VICTORY

I rambled for nearly 60 minutes straight during therapy today.  I laughed a lot, shrugged, frowned, thought, answered questions, pondered, and at 1:59 PM, with one minute left to the end of my appointment, I cried.  For the 20 months I've been in therapy, I've only had two appointments where I didn't cry.  My therapist tried to let me count this one, telling me that the tear didn't actually roll off my face until 2:00:15 PM.  Nice. 

What brought the tears?  This statement:  I don't feel like such a failure anymore. 

We spent the hour discussing this restless feeling and need for change I have stirring inside me.  We talked about everything from dying my hair to moving states.  I tried to explain this huge shift I feel inside myself and my need for the next phase or challenge. After a discussion of current events in my life we ended on the topic of relationships. With the recent experiences I've had, a number of realizations have clicked into place inside me, which ended in the above statement:  I don't feel like a failure anymore.

For my entire life I have felt like a failure at relationships, at life really, but particularly at relationships.  I couldn't seem to make anything work, particularly when it came to romantic relationships.  I knew it was me.  I was the common denominator in all of these dysfunctional, weird friendships and romantic relationships, so it must be me.  And in a very real way, it was. 

But what I've come to appreciate recently is the fact that it was them, too.  I wasn't the only one with issues.  All of the really poor behavior that I thought was normal, wasn't.  The negative stars aligned and for a period of time and our issues feed off of each other. 

Case in point:  Dean.  My senior year of college, Dean and I were inseparable.  When I say that, I mean it.  We ate together at least twice a day and went to the gym together five times a week.  We took 2-3 road trips weekly to a neighboring town for fast food we couldn't get in our small college town.  We made late night Frosty trips and did homework together daily.  He showed all the signs he was interested in me, without actually taking it to the next level.  I was convinced we were meant to be and it was just a matter of time until things progressed.  One of the things that sealed that feeling for me were the late night phone calls.  Dean would call me two or three times a week between 2 and 3 in the morning to engage in an hour or longer conversation about something.  I loved it.  I was certain the fact that he woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to talk to me was evidence of his soon to be undying love.  When nothing ever progressed, I assumed it was me.  Another failed relationship attempt from me.  He obviously loved to spend time with me and was always telling me how amazing I was.  The problem must be mine. 

Yet - knowing what I know now, with the addiction experiences I have, I now look at this relationship VERY differently.  Though we never dated, never kissed, never even held hands, in a very real way we acted out with each other.  I have since learned that Dean had a very serious pornography issue during that time of his life.  I could also produce a long list of men who would testify how arousing my voice is in the middle of the night.  Though I wasn't having phone sex with him, I would masturbate when our conversations were over.  And though I can't confirm he was doing the same thing, I can make an educated guess that he was. 

This wasn't a case of me failing at a relationship.  This was a situation where we both took advantage of the other, though neither of us probably knew that is what we were doing.  Our issued aligned for a period of time.  I used to be resentful and upset with him on so many levels, but what I feel now is compassion.  I know how desperately I wanted my life to be different. I know how hard I tried to make things better in so many different ways. I know the depressing, trapped feeling of living a lie.  I'm sad to know he, also, felt that way.  I'm sad to know he might still be living that way.  I couldn't have done anything differently.  I didn't know any different.  But neither did Dean.  Knowing I made what seemed and felt like the best decisions I could with the circumstances presented to me allows me to have more compassion.  I bet he feels like he did the same.  How can I be mad or upset about that?

Putting all these pieces in place has significantly changed my life.  I sat in therapy today and said, kind of casually, "I guess what I really want is an opportunity to have better, different types of relationships. They used to scare me before because I felt like a failure, but I really don't feel like such a failure anymore."  The power of that statement overwhelmed me for a moment and the tears started.  Everything inside me bore witness of the truth of that statement and I was overcome with a feeling of rightness, of authenticity, of congruency.

Only God can turn a victim into a victory. I believe that. And I'm counting today as one of those victories.  Add another one to the win column. 

What's going on?

One dream isn't a big deal.  Three night ago, I had a sex dream.  It wasn't super triggering, nor did I feel like it stayed with me very long, if at all.  I couldn't even tell you what it was about.

Two dream makes me slightly concerned.  The next night I had another dream.  Again, didn't feel super triggering, nor did it stick me with.  I know it had something to do with a TV show I had been watching, MI-5, one of the characters, the super ruggedly handsome spy, was in the dream.

Three dreams starts to become bothersome.  Another dream the next night was just annoying. I didn't actually have sex in this dream, like the two previous, but there was enough sexual content to be triggering. 

So after three nights of dreams, I start to wonder what's going on with me that my sub-conscious feels the need to process like this.  I also realized yesterday that I had 10 voice mail messages from Friday/Saturday that I hadn't listened to or returned yet.  That is always the beginning of isolating for me.  I'll quit answering my phone and then won't listen or return messages either.  I did answer them all yesterday and have made a commitment to answer the phone for the next 72 hours if I'm available.

How do I feel exactly: 
Overwhelmed:  I have so much to do and although I feel like I'm making progress, I'm not keeping up.  There is so much to get done between school, work, piano, cleaning, therapy, church, family, friends, I don't feel like I'm keeping up with everything. 

Lonely:  In some ways I feel more connected than I have in years. I have friends who know who I am and who I feel emotionally present with on a consistent basis. I'm really enjoying my family right now. Boundaries have been put in place and I'm holding them and all of the sudden these people are SO FUN.  Yet at the same time, something is missing.  My therapist asked me last week when I was going to start dating again.  I know that's what I want to do, but it scares me to death!  And I don't even know where I would meet someone.  The Internet thing is my drug -- I wouldn't even consider finding someone online.  I've been going to single adult events for year with no success.

Scared:  I made the decision to not look for full-time work.  I've picked up many piano students and also a variety of short-term consulting jobs.  I'm really enjoying the freedom it provides me.  As long as I'm a little careful, I can make ends meet without a problem.  I'm just slightly scared about it.  What if things don't go as well as planned?  The what if scenarios are freaking me out a little bit.

Restless: I need something new. I need a change. I keep dreaming up big things to change.  It makes me a little worried as I know escaping is something I struggle with.  I need something new.  Last night I was thinking I'd drastically change my hair.  Two days ago I thought I might pick up and move to another state.  Tonight, I just want a long road trip.  I don't know..... I just feel restless.

That is all I can think of.... but know there is more going on... hopefully getting rid of the first layer will help me dig deeper tomorrow.

We need each other

"Bones" is one of my all time favorite TV shows ever!!  I started watching from the very beginning and have seen every episode multiple times.  It was the incredibly intelligent, quirky, socially inept Dr. Temperance Brennan that drew me in.  Week after week her desperate attempts to fit in and understand the relationships around her felt so familiar to me.   

I remember very well the day I sat in my therapists office and asked, "Where do normal people learn all these things?"  He laughed a little bit, but I was desperately serious.  I am intelligent and perceptive. I learn quickly and pick up new things with speed. If there was any possible opportunity for me to learn the emotional and social skills I so desperately needed for my life, I would have jumped at it.  But the opportunities were not there, and as my therapist explain, "There are no normal people, and nearly everyone should be in some kind of therapy for at least a little while." 

There are so many things I have learned watching this show.  Is it pathetic that I learn healthy emotional behavior from a TV show?  If so, oh well.  I learned how to fight fairly, disagree with dignity and hold a physical boundary.  I learned anger is better than numbness, forgiving is better than running away, and most of all, I learned how incredibly important people are in our lives.  People provide a reality check.  When Dr. Zac Addy, Brennan's most brilliant grad student, becomes a cannibal (maybe a bit dramatic), we learn how even the most brilliant, logical minds are swayed when arguments, causes and emotions are not shared. 

After a short series of really small but intense moments, my view of life and relationships have changed.  This song,  "How Bad We Need Each Other" by Marc Scibilia, was played during the end of the episode a few weeks ago.  It really struck a chord with me.  I've been listening to it over and over again.  When we leave this planet, we leave with two things, knowledge and relationships.  That's it.  And though knowledge is important, I have a feeling the relationships we have with others will be more important. 

I've always known this.  The church teaches us how important it is to think of and serve others.  I did that over and over and over and over and over again, yet never found the relationships with these people rewarding or fulfilling.  I learned why.  We didn't have a relationship.  A relationship is mutual.  Two people have to show up to have a relationship.  I never showed up. Though I was there physically, I was never there emotionally or mentally.  I was there, but I didn't bring myself.  I never valued myself enough to show up. I figured the best way to have a relationship was to do whatever the other person wanted, to feel the way the other person felt, to take care of the other person.  But like my friend said recently,  "I don't want to be married to myself." 

I lost myself.  I don't know if I ever knew who I was.  No, let me take that back.  I know exactly who I am. I know what I like about myself, I know what my challenges are. There are things about me that I really like.  Actually, most of the things about me I really like.  My problem was that I felt like being me wasn't working.  I've just never felt valuable or important. I've never felt that who I was mattered.  I never felt like who I was could accomplish what I needed to.  And in the fantasy world that was my reality for a very long time, who I was couldn't accomplish anything.  But it wasn't who I was that was the problem, it was the false reality that was boxing me in.

Today I look at relationships differently.  And that's because I look at myself differently.  I love this part of the song:

People gonna be ok,
Storms never come to stay,
They just show us how bad we need each other,
How bad we need each other!

And the trials of today,
They are signs along the way,
To remind us how bad we need each other,
How bad we need each other!

Release

I wrote the following on January 27th of 2012:

I am angry at my mom. This is going to be just my dad isn’t it? I’m going to feel all this anger, and then have to work through it and make some realizations and then forgive and let it go. I don’t want it to take as long as it did for my dad though. I want it to be short.

 

So why am I angry?

1. I’m tired of her telling me how I should feel and what I should do.
2. I’m angry that she can’t control her emotions and oscillates back and forth between extremes. All weekend won’t call or talk to anyone because she is so overwhelmed about things that aren’t true to begin with. Then when she figures out they aren’t true, is elated and wants everyone to pay attention to her and to brag about her life.
3. She shuts out her sources of help and support around her.
4. She thinks that she knows the best way all the time.
5. I have learned her behaviors and I hate them.
6. She is an emotional wreck – and I am enmeshed with that.
7. She is emotionally immature and needs to grow up.
8. I’m tired of the drama and exaggeration and the self-hatred
9. I don’t want to feel obligated to rescue or help or fix her

I guess what I really am is frustrated. Frustrated because I don’t know how to feel without her. I don’t know what I want, what I should do, where I want to be, what I want to do, if I’m happy or sad or angry or frustrated. I don’t know what to do or where to go or how to feel without my family. 

 

I don’t want to be the fixer. I don’t want it. It’s been my role for so long I don’t know what to do or how to feel or can even envision my life without it. I sit here and think to myself – ok – so where do you want to go? I don’t know. What do you want to do with your life? I don’t know. I get overwhelmed and start crying. Just like before, when I tried to imagine my life without Steve, or without masturbation, or without all those things. It’s like beginning that process all over again. The anxiety, the feeling of being overwhelmed, of not knowing. I feel like that all over again.

 

The good part is I’ve been here before. I know I won’t die, I know I can make it through. I know there are other ways to deal with things than to act out. That is good. It’s also good that I have a bigger support network now. I know how to make it through things. I know who I can talk to about things and how to do it. I also know that God is acutely aware of me. More than I’m even aware of sometimes. So I will make it through this. I will.

 

I will. 

 

What a difference a year makes.  As I spent my week in California last month, I was given an incredible gift:  I was able to watch my mom function within her own family system.  I've had opportunities to do this before, but was never in a place to really grasp it. I was more concerned about my own interactions with my mom to be able to see her and what she was dealing with.  But this week was different. For the first time, I truly saw the family system my mom came from and how it functions.  I watched my grandpa verbally assault and emotionally abuse all daughters. I watched my aunt emotionally shut down my mom with just a few words.  I saw, first-hand, what my life could have been like, as I interacted with my cousins, most of whom are sex offenders, drug addicts, in and out of jail, married/divorced multiple times, and just generally dysfunctional. 

 

I cried as I watched my grandpa say things to my mom that she has said to me.  Things like: You can't cry. You can't feel that way. You just need to put your own feelings aside and be happy for the family. You need to fix this. You have a responsibility to fix this. If you can't be happy, go to your room. Maybe you shouldn't be here if you can't put a smile on.

 

The gift came in the moment my mom called me crying.  As she started to explain the most recent argument and her feelings about it, I could hear myself saying some of the same things to my therapist.  She feels about her family, the same way I have felt about mine.  I am my mother's daughter. The best part was that I knew exactly what to say to her, because it is what I say to myself to talk myself down about our family.  She heard me.  She really heard me. Even when I said, your dad is an alcoholic, she listened and responded that she thought I was right. 

 

In that moment, every ounce of anger I had towards my mother disappeared. Seriously, I could feel my body relax and release the anger in a similar way I did around my dad.  Truth is: My mom is amazing. The fact that she raised us the way she did and broke as many of the dysfunctional cycles that she did is a miracle. She gave me everything she had to give. How can I be angry about that? She did everything she possibly could to be sure that we, her children, were better off than she was.  And we are! 

 

I love her more than I ever have.  When I was sick last week, I just wanted her to tell me it would be ok. I feel a mix of that childlike, pure love mixed with a big dose of compassion and reality.  She is not instantly better and I will still need to have solid boundaries, but they no longer feel like wall of separation between us. I don't feel like I'm explaining it well. I just love her. 

 

Just like I felt like the compassion, understanding and forgiveness I found for my dad was a gift of the atonement, I know that this is. My therapist would say it was a result of all the hard work that I have been doing in therapy.  But really, it's a gift from a loving Savior, with whom I have been developing a better relationship with and a greater understanding of.  It is only through his infinite atonement that I am able to forgive and also to be forgiven.  I am eternally grateful for this gift of the atonement.

Pretty

As I sat at the computer tonight, I caught a glance of my reflection in the window above my monitor.  The first thing that went through my head was "Wow. It's the end of the day and you still look pretty."  I did a double take at my reflection and then I cried.

I am not what the world would call beautiful.  I will always be 6' tall with size 11 feet and hands that can palm a basketball.  My hair will always be blond and my eyes will always be hazel, which I love by the way.  Actually, I love all of those things about myself.  I LOVE being tall.  I can't even imagine being short.  Life must be difficult when you can't reach things.  I love my size 11 feet with their high arches and super cute toes.  I love my hands.  I can play parallel octaves on the piano with hardly any effort.  My fingers are strong with calluses from guitar strings and pens. I draw, write, cook, comfort and make music with my hands.  I love them.  I even think they are pretty. 

In college, I had a boy say to me:  "I look at you and think, she's not pretty, she's not ugly, but she's not pretty.  And then you smile, and your whole face lights up and you are beautiful."  I could never appreciate that comment because I could never get past the part where he said....  she's not pretty. 

I've spent my entire life blaming my body for the rejection I have faced and felt in my life.  If only I were pretty I would be loved.  If only I were short, thin and petite so no one would reject me.  If only, if only, if only.........

And then I went to therapy. 

My body is not separate from me, it is part of me.  When I criticize it, I am criticizing myself. If my body is never good enough, I am never good enough, and I am tired of feeling that way. 

What happened tonight, me feeling pretty, is evidence of my recovery.  It is evidence that I'm changing.  The best part is, it feels real and authentic. I'm not faking it. This is real genuine change.  And it feels amazing!