Inconsistency

FINALLY!!!!  After days, weeks really, of feeling overwhelmed, burnt out and just generally frustrated, I think I finally figured it out.

I'm frustrated with the level of inconsistency in my life. 

Examples:
Everyone you ask about me would say that I'm highly organized.  Everyone says that about me.  You should see my bedroom.  I haven't put sheet on my bed since I had a serious episode of the stomach flu in January.  The clean sheets are sitting on my dresser, folded even, I just haven't taken the time to put them on my bed.  I haven't swept the floor in my office for months.  I take my clothes off at the end of the day and dump them in a pile in the corner of my bedroom.  Then once a week I clean it up and put it in the clothes basket.  The clothes basket is literally 4 feet from where I dump my clothes.  I hope no one needs a ride from me -- my car is a disaster.  Not trash, but three coats, two pairs of shoes, things I've taken places and never returned to the garage or house... stuff like that.  Yet - from all appearances I am highly organized and very on top of it.

I am working to be rigorously honest about my feelings, thoughts and life with those around me.  Yet, I find myself telling really stupid small lies about things.  Last night I lied about seeing the local middle school musical.  It wouldn't have mattered if I had or hadn't.  I regret the fact that I didn't. I had intended to go, but overscheduled myself. The person I lied to really wouldn't have cared either way.  They didn't see it -- was I just trying to make myself seem better than them?  I don't know.  Earlier this week, I wasn't honest about what I was feeling with a friend of mine.  When he called me on my bad behavior, I was being very impatient with him, I swallowed my feelings, went into co-dependent mode and made it all better.  How hard would it have been for me to just say, "Yes, I'm sorry I'm being impatient with you (I was sorry), but I am having a hard time with the continual re-hash of this topic.  Can we pick up where we left off last time?"   Instead, I spent an entire evening with him, annoyed, frustrated and finding myself checking out further and further emotionally.

One of my goals is to eat for health.  Some days, my diet is awesome!!  Some weeks, it's awesome!  Other weeks, I get lazy and grab whatever is easiest and quick and not take the 15 minutes to make something better.  Last week was that way and I ended up throwing out the produce I bought.  This week has been a mish-mash of good and bad eating days. 

Spirituality and staying connected to God is very important to me.  I'm good at reading my scriptures and attending church.  I say quick prayers throughout the day and feel the spirit daily.  Yet - I haven't knelt down to say a prayer for over a week.  I think about it every day, multiple times even, but never make it happen. 

Relationships with others are very important to me.  I have a stack of cards and thoughts that have been sent to me over the past year probably and I keep saying, I'm going to reach out to these people and say hello, but I never do.  Never.  Why not?  If relationships are important to me, why am I not prioritizing them or finding time to reach out and talk to other people.  Even locally, I sometimes call people when I know it will go to voice mail, so I can say I reached out - but didn't actually have to interact with anyone.  Why do I do that?

Congruency. 

That was the word I picked as my theme this year.  I want to move to living a more congruent life.  I just identified several ways in which that's not happening.  I've got to start working on it.  Tomorrow will be the beginning of March.  The year is nearly 20% over and I haven't made a whole lot of progress on this yet.  Plan -- I need a plan.  Off to make a plan........