Busy..... Too Busy

This is dangerous territory for me.  I'm totally exhausted.  Literally having a hard time keeping my eyes open.  Yet - I don't want to go to bed.  I want me time. I want downtime, processing time, time to sit and think and write.  I'm too tired to make the time worthwhile. I try to read or write or think, but I'm too tired to really do much of anything but stare at the screen. 

For a good part of my life I lived like this every day.  I would work from the minute I got up to the minute I went to bed.  I'd take a pill to get to sleep right away, and stay asleep, and then drink caffeine in the morning to wake me up and stay at peak energy all day.  I wouldn't eat all day, caffeine is more effective that way, and then binge at night right before going to bed.  I'd wake up sick the next day from all the food I ate and would repeat the pattern for days on end.

Then - I would break.  After a few weeks, I would feel lost and out of control and sick to my stomach and want, need really, validation, comfort and support.  I didn't have people in my life who provided that for me, so I would find someone to act out with, who for a limited time, could provide those things in spades.  We'd have 2-3 days of intense online emailing and chatting and then move to the phone.  I'd take everything he would give... long hours on the phone at night or during the day.  Long sessions of phone sex.  It would last a few weeks at most.  I was always the one that ended it.  Typically, he got needy.  My busy, crazy life could only be put on hold for so long and as things got busy for me, I would ignore him more.  Then finally, just stop returning emails, chats, and calls and get back into my groove.

This last week, as I've been pulled many, many directions on a variety of things, I've felt those old thought processes return a little bit.  Of course, I don't immediately think I want to act out.  Because I don't want to act out.  But I do find myself wanting to steal that downtime from things I should be doing.  Like right now.... it would have been wise for me to hit the bed about 30 minutes ago, I have to be up at 5am tomorrow, and I'm exhausted.  Instead, I find myself thinking about how much I want some me time, some processing time, time to sit and write.  So here I am, writing.  I find myself wanting food, wanting caffeine, feeling entitled almost to eat whatever I want because I've been so busy and am doing so many things. 

You know what -- Stop -- I'm going to bed.  I'll deal with all of this in a few days when my major project is finished and things significantly calm down in my life.

Goodnight.