Recovery Moments

Recovery happens moment by moment.  I had one today.

I met with my sponsor this morning to give away my 4th step information.  Step 4:  Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves.  I made four inventory lists, one of my fears, one of my resentments, one of my harms done to other people and one of my sexual experiences.  I hated doing it. I thought it was searching and fearless.  I put a lot of time into it.  Then, to do step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, you take your lists and read them to your sponsor. 

Today was to be my day. 

But it didn't go as planned.  I read my first lists, fears.  It wasn't extremely long, but included all the things I could think of that scare me in some way.  She asked me if it felt complete at the end.  It did.  Next was my resentment list.  It was much longer. She repeated the same question at the end.  It did felt complete.  I read my harms done list, the longest one, by far.  I got through it and she sat there looking at me and said, your lists are really short.  She then began challenging me on the lists.  She pointed out where I was avoiding things from my past. She helped me see areas of my life I was glossing over with a big, wide paintbrush and not getting into the details of what happened.  I hated it. I don't want to dive that deep into them. It's painful. It's hurtful, I don't want to think about it.

I left her house an hour later, knowing I'd have to put a lot more work into my lists.

As I drove away, I could feel my mind spinning.  I was angry, frustrated, feeling exposed and vulnerable.  I needed a fix.  My mind started with food.  Where could I stop, what could I made, how much coke would I need to consume to make me "feel" better?  I played it out in my head and knew it wouldn't give me what I was looking for.  I moved to lust next. I ran through names on my phone list, looking for men I could call that would validate who I am and my existence.  No luck.  I knew there wouldn't be, I deleted all those numbers over a year ago.  I thought for a moment about acting out. Getting online, reading CL ads and seeing what I could find. I started rationalizing.... if I didn't write an ad, I wasn't really acting out.  I played that forward in my mind and knew it would end badly, probably very badly.  I called a few people I thought I could discuss it with.  Because my sponsor and I run in the same SA circle, I wanted to be careful who I called and vented to her about.  No one answered. 

I was being to panic.  As I pulled my car in the driveway, I could hear the words in my head:  Recovery happens in these moments.

And so it does. I didn't eat or act out.  I knew I needed some space between me and the event before I had to deal with anything else. I was tired and emotional and that almost never ends well for me. So, I took a nap.  Maybe not the best choice, but definitely one of the better options.  When I got up and hour later, I took time to make healthy food for my body. Tonight, I connected with a friend and was able to share my frustration about the days events. 

Tonight, I'm anchored, calm and feeling secure.  I have some work to do, my sponsor is right in that. But I'm also aware tonight of the work that I've done by the choices I made today.  As an addict, I choose recovery moment by moment.  Today could have ended incredibly differently.  But it didn't and for that I am grateful.