Fear: I bore my testimony in church today. I haven't done that for a very long time. I haven't felt worthy. When I did my full confession to my bishop last January, I was scared out of my mind. For the past few months I have wanted to bare my testimony but wasn't sure how to do it. I felt scared today for a few minutes as I walked up to the stand.
Anger: No real anger today -- really, none that I can remember.
Shame: No real shame today either -- it was a good day.
Guilt: I had a good day -- no real guilt either. :)
Loneliness: Sometimes I feel lonely at church as I watch all the other families sit together. I want a family. I know that will come one day, and I'm ok with that. I want to deal with my addiction and be in a little bit of a better place prior to marriage. So I'm ok with it -- it's just a little bit lonely at times.
Pain: My hip really hurts today -- I've got to do something about it, but I don't want to. The stretches really help, they really help, but it's still really tight. I'm trying.
Joy: I really felt the spirit today at church. I felt joy as I bore my testimony and talked about my testimony of the atonement. I have a testimony of the atonement.
Love: Primary kids were awesome today as we practiced for the program. We worked on the 5-star performance aspect and they were awesome. I LOVE Primary. I LOVE singing with the kids. I LOVE kids.
Passion: I'm very excited to start my job search tomorrow. Full swing tomorrow. Life is going to be good this week. I feel very ready and motivated for this week.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Feelings 3.2
I didn't write a feelings post yesterday. I had a feeling early in the day that said - you should do this early because it's going to be a late night. I didn't listen. Oh well. lol
Fear: There was a new woman at my SA meeting this morning. I'm always a little scared about sharing that part of my life with someone new. I told my quick abbreviated story. The meeting went really well and my fear dissipated quickly.
Anger: My sister tried a little co-dependence with me today. "Where are you going? What are you doing? What are your plans? I can't do anything if I don't know your plans." It makes me mad. Frustrated more than angry probably. But that old resentment starts to set in if I don't get rid of it quickly.
Pain: My eyes hurt. I need to be wearing my glasses when I'm tired like this but I forget until my eyes start to hurt.
Shame: I was reading some addiction blogs today. These are blogs I've read before where people share their stories and experiences. I started reading this one that was a bit graphic and felt a little "lust hit" from it. I should have stopped reading, but didn't. I finished the entire blog post and started reading another one before I finally stopped and closed the blog. I made a support call and feel better about it -- but I'll have to report that at group as a slip.
Guilt: I told Rebecca I'd call her today and I didn't.
Loneliness: No real loneliness today either. I was plugged in and connected most if not all of the day and didn't really feel lonely.
Joy: My bedroom is clean!! :) Top to bottom cleaning. Clean sheets - clean clothes - clean carpet and furniture! It's all organized and looks beautiful! I love it when things are like that!
Passion: Nope -- no real passion.
Love: I feel loved today. I feel incredibly grateful for so many things that are going right in my life. I'm grateful for the messages shared during the Relief Society General Meeting tonight. They were full of faith, hope and love.
Fear: There was a new woman at my SA meeting this morning. I'm always a little scared about sharing that part of my life with someone new. I told my quick abbreviated story. The meeting went really well and my fear dissipated quickly.
Anger: My sister tried a little co-dependence with me today. "Where are you going? What are you doing? What are your plans? I can't do anything if I don't know your plans." It makes me mad. Frustrated more than angry probably. But that old resentment starts to set in if I don't get rid of it quickly.
Pain: My eyes hurt. I need to be wearing my glasses when I'm tired like this but I forget until my eyes start to hurt.
Shame: I was reading some addiction blogs today. These are blogs I've read before where people share their stories and experiences. I started reading this one that was a bit graphic and felt a little "lust hit" from it. I should have stopped reading, but didn't. I finished the entire blog post and started reading another one before I finally stopped and closed the blog. I made a support call and feel better about it -- but I'll have to report that at group as a slip.
Guilt: I told Rebecca I'd call her today and I didn't.
Loneliness: No real loneliness today either. I was plugged in and connected most if not all of the day and didn't really feel lonely.
Joy: My bedroom is clean!! :) Top to bottom cleaning. Clean sheets - clean clothes - clean carpet and furniture! It's all organized and looks beautiful! I love it when things are like that!
Passion: Nope -- no real passion.
Love: I feel loved today. I feel incredibly grateful for so many things that are going right in my life. I'm grateful for the messages shared during the Relief Society General Meeting tonight. They were full of faith, hope and love.
Coincidence
I'm working on my third step: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I haven't been very good at my morning prayers lately. Friday, I felt the need to really plug back in spiritually. I spent time in the morning praying and focused on two things. First, how incredibly grateful I am for the amazing support I am currently surrounded by, and two, seeking God's will in my life.
Last summer, at the beginning of my recovery journey, I was having a really hard day. I posted something on FaceBook about needing a hug. An acquaintance of mine, we worked together in Primary at church but had never met outside of Sunday, called and invited me over for dinner. I desperately needed that phone call. We became fast friends. She has been a huge support for me and I've really appreciated her friendship. She was the woman who threw a party for me, which you can read about here: Blogpost: You
At one point in time, my therapist was pushing me to make a disclosure to her about my addiction, but it never felt right. I had plans several times to make it happen, but each time felt blocked and couldn't do it. She knows about therapy and the many issues with my family. She knows about all the issues I'm dealing with EXCEPT my sex addiction. I've talked to her a lot about shame and co-dependency and some of the other big issues I face.
The last few months, something has been bothering her. A few weeks ago, she called me in the middle of the night and wanted to go walking (10:00pm). I went and she began to talk around the edges of something big in her life. I was really grateful for all the things I have learned in therapy and recovery the last year. I felt the ability to be present and supportive. She never actually said what the issue was, it was more of a discussion about the symptoms and how it was effecting her life. She also had come to the conclusion that she can't live like this anymore, keeping all of her emotions pent up, holding it all together for her 4 kids, showing up to church with a happy face every week, and sobbing everyday in the shower for an hour. I can totally relate to that feeling.
She was at my house for book club last night and I could tell she wanted to chat. After everyone left, she sat on the couch and spilled her guts. Her husband has a serious pornography issue. To try to please him and keep things together and keep things going, she has been having "Porn Sex" for several years and feels like she has compromised all of her values and who she is. I said several prayers during the discussion that I would say the right thing and be able to help her figure out what the next steps are for her. We talked until nearly 2am.
Many people would view this as mere coincidence. But I am confident that it is not. So many things have happened to lead us both to the very moment where trust was in tact, feelings and experiences were safe to share and support and understanding could be expressed and appreciated. Probably the most significant is the fact that I've spent the last 7 weeks in a group therapy program with spouses of sexual addicts. Their willingness to share their experiences and feelings allowed me to have more empathy, compassion and understanding of her feelings. If I hadn't had that experience, things would not have gone like they did last night.
I felt honored and humbled last night as I realized that Heavenly Father had prepared me in a very personal way to help my dear friend who was suffering so much. It was a sacred experience for me as I realized that the Lord really had kept His promise in my favorite Hymn, #85, How Firm a Foundation:
Grateful doesn't seem like a big enough word for the feelings of my heart today.
Last summer, at the beginning of my recovery journey, I was having a really hard day. I posted something on FaceBook about needing a hug. An acquaintance of mine, we worked together in Primary at church but had never met outside of Sunday, called and invited me over for dinner. I desperately needed that phone call. We became fast friends. She has been a huge support for me and I've really appreciated her friendship. She was the woman who threw a party for me, which you can read about here: Blogpost: You
At one point in time, my therapist was pushing me to make a disclosure to her about my addiction, but it never felt right. I had plans several times to make it happen, but each time felt blocked and couldn't do it. She knows about therapy and the many issues with my family. She knows about all the issues I'm dealing with EXCEPT my sex addiction. I've talked to her a lot about shame and co-dependency and some of the other big issues I face.
The last few months, something has been bothering her. A few weeks ago, she called me in the middle of the night and wanted to go walking (10:00pm). I went and she began to talk around the edges of something big in her life. I was really grateful for all the things I have learned in therapy and recovery the last year. I felt the ability to be present and supportive. She never actually said what the issue was, it was more of a discussion about the symptoms and how it was effecting her life. She also had come to the conclusion that she can't live like this anymore, keeping all of her emotions pent up, holding it all together for her 4 kids, showing up to church with a happy face every week, and sobbing everyday in the shower for an hour. I can totally relate to that feeling.
She was at my house for book club last night and I could tell she wanted to chat. After everyone left, she sat on the couch and spilled her guts. Her husband has a serious pornography issue. To try to please him and keep things together and keep things going, she has been having "Porn Sex" for several years and feels like she has compromised all of her values and who she is. I said several prayers during the discussion that I would say the right thing and be able to help her figure out what the next steps are for her. We talked until nearly 2am.
Many people would view this as mere coincidence. But I am confident that it is not. So many things have happened to lead us both to the very moment where trust was in tact, feelings and experiences were safe to share and support and understanding could be expressed and appreciated. Probably the most significant is the fact that I've spent the last 7 weeks in a group therapy program with spouses of sexual addicts. Their willingness to share their experiences and feelings allowed me to have more empathy, compassion and understanding of her feelings. If I hadn't had that experience, things would not have gone like they did last night.
I felt honored and humbled last night as I realized that Heavenly Father had prepared me in a very personal way to help my dear friend who was suffering so much. It was a sacred experience for me as I realized that the Lord really had kept His promise in my favorite Hymn, #85, How Firm a Foundation:
When through the deep waters, I cause thee to goContrasting last night's experience with others throughout my life, I am incredibly humbled and extremely grateful. Until recently, I never understood what it meant to be present. But I was present last night and my mouth was filled with the right thing to say.
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'reflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
Grateful doesn't seem like a big enough word for the feelings of my heart today.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Rant
I just need to rant for a second. This is one of the reasons I started this blog. I needed a place I could do what my therapist calls "emotional vomiting"; throwing up all your emotions with no focus on processing. It's not super healthy -- but at least here, it's not damaging either. And sometimes -- I just need them out of my head!!!!!!!
My brother called this morning, we'll call him Jake, that's not his real name, but for anonymity sake, we'll call him Jake. My mom always calls me the Relief Society President of the family, and this brother is the Bishop. Poor guy. I'd take RS President any day of the week over bishop. He called last week sobbing because of his latest episode with my mom. As I've been pulling away, she has relied more and more on him to get her emotional needs met. Today, though, he just called to check in. :)
We were catching up on the happenings of our lives and he asked about my trip to California. Two weeks ago I went to California to visit my grandparents and take a much needed vacation. My mom came in for the weekend to visit her parents as well. While there, my mom had an argument with her dad (my grandpa). I watched the whole thing, but didn't participate at all. My brother, Jake, told me that mom was really upset about the argument and has been crying about it ever since she got home. Interesting. I told him what I witnessed.
Grandma is very ill and grandpa is providing all of her care. The man goes as far as dying and styling my grandma's hair to keep her happy and feeling good about herself. That is love in my opinion. He told me the story about how he went to the "beauty salon" and paid the woman to show him how to dye and style grandma's hair. Serious dedication. Back to the point.... my grandmother is very ill. She has emphysema and has difficulty breathing. My mom was asking about oxygen and why grandma isn't on oxygen. Apparently, according to grandpa, the doctors say it won't help her and she refused to used the CPAP machine at night because of the pressure on her face. My mom got a bit upset with grandpa, saying things like "You have to force her to use it if it will make her better," and "sometimes we have to do things we don't like to do if it will make us well." Her tone of voice was a little inappropriate and accusing in my opinion. Grandpa got understandably upset and shot back in accusations as well. "You think I'm not taking care of her? Who sits here all day with her and does what needs to be done. I'm doing everything the doctor says, is that not enough?" Things along those lines. I think he had a right to be upset, but he definitely escalated the situation. She was making accusations about something she has no real knowledge of. It made me mad. She started crying, as she always does in those situations, but continued the accusations ending with "Do you want me to quit my job and move down here and take care of her? Is that what you want? Is that what you need?" Grandpa said - "Fine. Move in." She cried more and retreated upstairs to the guest room.
Now, normally I would have intervened here. I would have been the rescuer and tried to make peace between the parties. I would have went to my mom and taken her side and entered the drama triangle and fix the whole thing. I've been doing that for years. But this time, I didn't move. I just sat there. It wasn't my argument, it wasn't my fight, I didn't need to be involved. And for one of the first times in my life, I looked at the situation and realized, my mom is wrong.
As I explained this to Jake, I could tell he was becoming more and more agitated. When I finished he was downright angry! Jake is a Fire-Medic. He has spent the last 15 years on a Fire-Medic team, specializing in life preservation and recovery. "Oxygen will kill her", he says. He explains that people with severe respiratory issues including severe asthma, emphysema and a few other things I don't remember, don't breathe for the same reason healthy people breath, because they need oxygen. They have enough oxygen. They breathe to get rid of the CO2 in their body. The problem isn't with getting enough in - it's with getting enough out. Flooding their system with oxygen will only make it harder for them to breathe because they already can't dispel the CO2 they have in their system. This is one of the reasons you see people with panic attacks or asthma breathing into a paper bag. It's not oxygen they need, they actually need less oxygen, hence the paper bag, more CO2 and less oxygen. Interesting. I didn't know that.
Then he sets in with "How dare she!" and went off about the issues he is having with mom and her butting into everyone's business and thinking she knows better than everyone else. He has some pent up anger there. We had a good discussion. My brother is more emotionally healthy than I have realized before. I am very grateful for that knowledge. He also told me he would fully support me divorcing my sister -- LOL -- even though it meant he would have to start worrying about her again.
I think what has really set me off about the situation is my dad. For the last 8 weeks of my dad's life, I sat by his side day and night. I carried him when he couldn't walk. I changed his diaper. I fed him, dressed him, showered him, gave him his meds, listened to him talk, did his Physical Therapy exercises with him and pushed him around in the wheel chair. I designed the blog he wanted to tell his story, I read him the comments day after day after day. And yet, through all of it, my mom made me feel like I wasn't doing enough or at least I wasn't doing the right things. She always thought she knew better. When I suggested things or explained what the doctor had said, she would always correct me. She wasn't even there when the doctor was there! How the hell would she know? I did all of this while working full-time, cleaning the house, putting dinner on the table every night, attending weekly ARP meetings, doing individual therapy by phone (saved my life) AND managed to maintain my longest period of sobriety through the entire thing! When I reflect on that experience I have no regrets. It is what I needed to do to make peace with my dad. When he died, for the first time in my life I had no anger towards him. None. Of the 10 months from diagnosis to death, I spent nearly 6 of those months by his side, day after day. I did it for me. I did it because I needed to do it. But during that whole time, my mom always made me feel like I wasn't doing enough or that she knew better. I have some resentment and anger about that.
Yet - even as I sit here and write - the anger doesn't stay active for very long. I feel bad for my mom. The world is a lonely place when you think you know better than everyone else. I know, because I lived in that space for a very, very long time. Sad.
Ok - Done with the rant and back to my day. I will not do the co-dependent thing and dwell on this all day and think of ways to help my mom get the help she needs but refuses. I will respect her choice to handle things on her own and know that I can choose differently.
My brother called this morning, we'll call him Jake, that's not his real name, but for anonymity sake, we'll call him Jake. My mom always calls me the Relief Society President of the family, and this brother is the Bishop. Poor guy. I'd take RS President any day of the week over bishop. He called last week sobbing because of his latest episode with my mom. As I've been pulling away, she has relied more and more on him to get her emotional needs met. Today, though, he just called to check in. :)
We were catching up on the happenings of our lives and he asked about my trip to California. Two weeks ago I went to California to visit my grandparents and take a much needed vacation. My mom came in for the weekend to visit her parents as well. While there, my mom had an argument with her dad (my grandpa). I watched the whole thing, but didn't participate at all. My brother, Jake, told me that mom was really upset about the argument and has been crying about it ever since she got home. Interesting. I told him what I witnessed.
Grandma is very ill and grandpa is providing all of her care. The man goes as far as dying and styling my grandma's hair to keep her happy and feeling good about herself. That is love in my opinion. He told me the story about how he went to the "beauty salon" and paid the woman to show him how to dye and style grandma's hair. Serious dedication. Back to the point.... my grandmother is very ill. She has emphysema and has difficulty breathing. My mom was asking about oxygen and why grandma isn't on oxygen. Apparently, according to grandpa, the doctors say it won't help her and she refused to used the CPAP machine at night because of the pressure on her face. My mom got a bit upset with grandpa, saying things like "You have to force her to use it if it will make her better," and "sometimes we have to do things we don't like to do if it will make us well." Her tone of voice was a little inappropriate and accusing in my opinion. Grandpa got understandably upset and shot back in accusations as well. "You think I'm not taking care of her? Who sits here all day with her and does what needs to be done. I'm doing everything the doctor says, is that not enough?" Things along those lines. I think he had a right to be upset, but he definitely escalated the situation. She was making accusations about something she has no real knowledge of. It made me mad. She started crying, as she always does in those situations, but continued the accusations ending with "Do you want me to quit my job and move down here and take care of her? Is that what you want? Is that what you need?" Grandpa said - "Fine. Move in." She cried more and retreated upstairs to the guest room.
Now, normally I would have intervened here. I would have been the rescuer and tried to make peace between the parties. I would have went to my mom and taken her side and entered the drama triangle and fix the whole thing. I've been doing that for years. But this time, I didn't move. I just sat there. It wasn't my argument, it wasn't my fight, I didn't need to be involved. And for one of the first times in my life, I looked at the situation and realized, my mom is wrong.
As I explained this to Jake, I could tell he was becoming more and more agitated. When I finished he was downright angry! Jake is a Fire-Medic. He has spent the last 15 years on a Fire-Medic team, specializing in life preservation and recovery. "Oxygen will kill her", he says. He explains that people with severe respiratory issues including severe asthma, emphysema and a few other things I don't remember, don't breathe for the same reason healthy people breath, because they need oxygen. They have enough oxygen. They breathe to get rid of the CO2 in their body. The problem isn't with getting enough in - it's with getting enough out. Flooding their system with oxygen will only make it harder for them to breathe because they already can't dispel the CO2 they have in their system. This is one of the reasons you see people with panic attacks or asthma breathing into a paper bag. It's not oxygen they need, they actually need less oxygen, hence the paper bag, more CO2 and less oxygen. Interesting. I didn't know that.
Then he sets in with "How dare she!" and went off about the issues he is having with mom and her butting into everyone's business and thinking she knows better than everyone else. He has some pent up anger there. We had a good discussion. My brother is more emotionally healthy than I have realized before. I am very grateful for that knowledge. He also told me he would fully support me divorcing my sister -- LOL -- even though it meant he would have to start worrying about her again.
I think what has really set me off about the situation is my dad. For the last 8 weeks of my dad's life, I sat by his side day and night. I carried him when he couldn't walk. I changed his diaper. I fed him, dressed him, showered him, gave him his meds, listened to him talk, did his Physical Therapy exercises with him and pushed him around in the wheel chair. I designed the blog he wanted to tell his story, I read him the comments day after day after day. And yet, through all of it, my mom made me feel like I wasn't doing enough or at least I wasn't doing the right things. She always thought she knew better. When I suggested things or explained what the doctor had said, she would always correct me. She wasn't even there when the doctor was there! How the hell would she know? I did all of this while working full-time, cleaning the house, putting dinner on the table every night, attending weekly ARP meetings, doing individual therapy by phone (saved my life) AND managed to maintain my longest period of sobriety through the entire thing! When I reflect on that experience I have no regrets. It is what I needed to do to make peace with my dad. When he died, for the first time in my life I had no anger towards him. None. Of the 10 months from diagnosis to death, I spent nearly 6 of those months by his side, day after day. I did it for me. I did it because I needed to do it. But during that whole time, my mom always made me feel like I wasn't doing enough or that she knew better. I have some resentment and anger about that.
Yet - even as I sit here and write - the anger doesn't stay active for very long. I feel bad for my mom. The world is a lonely place when you think you know better than everyone else. I know, because I lived in that space for a very, very long time. Sad.
Ok - Done with the rant and back to my day. I will not do the co-dependent thing and dwell on this all day and think of ways to help my mom get the help she needs but refuses. I will respect her choice to handle things on her own and know that I can choose differently.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Feelings 2.7
I had a good day.... :)
Anger: Had a brief moment of anger today. I felt someone was being co-dependent with me today. Interesting being on the opposite side of it. I was really angry for about 2 minutes. Then I let it go. Not worth being angry about, honestly.
Pain: Physical therapy was painful today. The stretching and traction was painful. I'm hoping it stays manageable though. I really don't want surgery.
Loneliness: Didn't really experience loneliness today.
Shame: I didn't really feel shame today either.
Guilt: I felt guilt today about many things. I didn't work today. I need to find a job and I didn't work on finding a job. Tomorrow -- tomorrow I will do more and feel good about spending my time.
Fear: My mom called today and told me my brother's house got broken into. He actually fought with the intruder and wrestled him to the ground, held him until the cops came. Amazing my brother is. For years he has had dreams and has been haunted by the idea of protecting his family. He has had horrible dreams about it. And now it actually happened. It makes me a little scared for the safety of my family. He is ok - they are all ok -- but it's a little scary.
Joy: No real joy today either. Nothing particularly sad about today -- just no real joy.
Passion: I am re-committed to recovery today. It was nice to have a little bit of a kick in the pants from my therapist and nice to have a passion back for life and recovery.
Love: I had a few more great conversations today with my recovery friends. I feel loved when I have these moments and conversations with them.
Anger: Had a brief moment of anger today. I felt someone was being co-dependent with me today. Interesting being on the opposite side of it. I was really angry for about 2 minutes. Then I let it go. Not worth being angry about, honestly.
Pain: Physical therapy was painful today. The stretching and traction was painful. I'm hoping it stays manageable though. I really don't want surgery.
Loneliness: Didn't really experience loneliness today.
Shame: I didn't really feel shame today either.
Guilt: I felt guilt today about many things. I didn't work today. I need to find a job and I didn't work on finding a job. Tomorrow -- tomorrow I will do more and feel good about spending my time.
Fear: My mom called today and told me my brother's house got broken into. He actually fought with the intruder and wrestled him to the ground, held him until the cops came. Amazing my brother is. For years he has had dreams and has been haunted by the idea of protecting his family. He has had horrible dreams about it. And now it actually happened. It makes me a little scared for the safety of my family. He is ok - they are all ok -- but it's a little scary.
Joy: No real joy today either. Nothing particularly sad about today -- just no real joy.
Passion: I am re-committed to recovery today. It was nice to have a little bit of a kick in the pants from my therapist and nice to have a passion back for life and recovery.
Love: I had a few more great conversations today with my recovery friends. I feel loved when I have these moments and conversations with them.
Reminders
I had a really good session with my nutritional therapist today. It really helped me to re-focus my recovery. I needed a kick in the butt and she provided that. I needed support and she provided it. I needed a few quick reminders of what I am doing and my journey. She was so helpful.
Recovery is about me. It is one of the first things I have done for myself in my entire life. I've lived a life haunted by the needs and concerns of others. I've been co-dependent and acted out in my addictions to the point of losing myself. Recovery is the first thing I have done for myself. I will protect and direct my own recovery.
I am enough. There is no secret thing I must accomplish or level of perfection I must attain prior to working on recovery. The person I am, right now, is enough. I am worthy of recovery.
I will do what it takes. Recovery is an opportunity to re-do my life. I will do what it takes to be the person I want to be. I will do what it takes to have the life I want to have. I am not trapped by my previous experiences nor am I doomed to repeat them. I will choose to act and not be acted upon.
I practice recovery in principle and not in emotion. When I choose to act out of principle, recovery makes progress. When I practice in emotion, things don't get done. I'm hit and miss in my recovery behaviors.
That's a start. I will continue to add to my recovery reminders as I go along. I am grateful for recovery. Extremely grateful today.
Recovery is about me. It is one of the first things I have done for myself in my entire life. I've lived a life haunted by the needs and concerns of others. I've been co-dependent and acted out in my addictions to the point of losing myself. Recovery is the first thing I have done for myself. I will protect and direct my own recovery.
I am enough. There is no secret thing I must accomplish or level of perfection I must attain prior to working on recovery. The person I am, right now, is enough. I am worthy of recovery.
I will do what it takes. Recovery is an opportunity to re-do my life. I will do what it takes to be the person I want to be. I will do what it takes to have the life I want to have. I am not trapped by my previous experiences nor am I doomed to repeat them. I will choose to act and not be acted upon.
I practice recovery in principle and not in emotion. When I choose to act out of principle, recovery makes progress. When I practice in emotion, things don't get done. I'm hit and miss in my recovery behaviors.
That's a start. I will continue to add to my recovery reminders as I go along. I am grateful for recovery. Extremely grateful today.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Feelings 2.6
So - I'm a little in denial today about feelings. I deal with them fairly well for a certain period of time, and then I just don't want to anymore. My therapist assures me that's normal. Today is one of those days. Nothing terrible happened, nothing even remotely bad happened today. Sometimes, I think that small break, makes me want more!!!!! And so I ignore my own feelings for a little while. That was me today. :) Happily, ignoring feelings. I don't even want to write this tonight, BUT, I've made a commitment to recovery, which includes working my program on principle and not emotion. Regardless of what I want, I will write tonight.
Fear: I talked with a friend today who knows nothing about my addiction. She watched the Brene Brown video about vulnerability and wanted to talk about it. Most of the time I talk about self-help topics, it is in recovery context. When I'm talking with her I have to be careful about what I say. Many times during our conversation, I contemplated telling her everything. But then at the end she made some comment about how horrible addiction is. It set me off a little bit with old fears of never being accepted or wanted. It's hard. I hate it.
Anger: An old co-worker called today about a work issue. She is so drama oriented. She makes a big deal out of EVERY LITTLE THING! It made me angry today that she tried to drag me into her drama. I quite for a very good reason! Leave me out of it!
Love: I use this blog as an outlet for so many things. Recently, I've allowed others in my group to read it. Having people who know me read this blog has been very interesting. After the last few days of posts, and group therapy last night, several called or text to check up on me today. It made me feel very loved. Thank you!
Pain: I spent a lot of time in the yard today. It set my hip off. I'm reminded why I when to the doctor in the first place. It's been painful today. Very painful.
Loneliness: Spending a lot of time in yard reminds me of my dad. He was such a freak about having a nice yard and having it trimmed and clean all the time. It made me miss and feel lonely for him for a few minutes. Love you dad.
Joy: ALL my piano students today (4 of them) had very good lessons! They had all practiced and I was impressed with them. I found a little bit of joy today in that.
Shame: You know, I don't think I really felt shame today. At least any that I can recognize as toxic or any that I'm harboring.
Guilt: I didn't get as much done today as I wanted. I've been exhausted for a few days now and slept in this morning. I've got to break out of this little depression and not sleep so much.
Going to bed -- lots to do tomorrow. :)
Fear: I talked with a friend today who knows nothing about my addiction. She watched the Brene Brown video about vulnerability and wanted to talk about it. Most of the time I talk about self-help topics, it is in recovery context. When I'm talking with her I have to be careful about what I say. Many times during our conversation, I contemplated telling her everything. But then at the end she made some comment about how horrible addiction is. It set me off a little bit with old fears of never being accepted or wanted. It's hard. I hate it.
Anger: An old co-worker called today about a work issue. She is so drama oriented. She makes a big deal out of EVERY LITTLE THING! It made me angry today that she tried to drag me into her drama. I quite for a very good reason! Leave me out of it!
Love: I use this blog as an outlet for so many things. Recently, I've allowed others in my group to read it. Having people who know me read this blog has been very interesting. After the last few days of posts, and group therapy last night, several called or text to check up on me today. It made me feel very loved. Thank you!
Pain: I spent a lot of time in the yard today. It set my hip off. I'm reminded why I when to the doctor in the first place. It's been painful today. Very painful.
Loneliness: Spending a lot of time in yard reminds me of my dad. He was such a freak about having a nice yard and having it trimmed and clean all the time. It made me miss and feel lonely for him for a few minutes. Love you dad.
Joy: ALL my piano students today (4 of them) had very good lessons! They had all practiced and I was impressed with them. I found a little bit of joy today in that.
Shame: You know, I don't think I really felt shame today. At least any that I can recognize as toxic or any that I'm harboring.
Guilt: I didn't get as much done today as I wanted. I've been exhausted for a few days now and slept in this morning. I've got to break out of this little depression and not sleep so much.
Going to bed -- lots to do tomorrow. :)
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Feelings 2.5
Anger: Still a little residual anger from yesterday's phone call. Wearing off though.
Shame: At group tonight I had to check in sexually and share my sobriety date. I have so much shame associated with feeling anything sexually. Any sort of arousal, or desire to be aroused, or anything like that just pangs me with shame. I shared tonight that I was angry about the phone call from Steve yesterday. I felt shameful about sharing that. I'm just a mess of shame tonight. LOL
Loneliness: Not so much today. At least not as much as yesterday. I had a really good conversation with a friend today and that helped.
Guilt: My friend emailed me and thinks I'm mad at her. I haven't called her since I got back from California, but that doesn't mean I'm upset. She apologized for whatever she had done wrong. Ok - that's a bit of co-dependency right there and also a huge amount of insecurity. When I did call her today, she didn't call back. Will I ever succeed at relationships? even just friendship?
Joy: My green bean plant is out of control! I LOVE IT! I'm going to pick tomorrow and have so many beans. I'm really joyful about the stuff I was able to grow this year. I enjoy that about having a house.
Passion: I taught piano lessons today. I missed it last week and didn't realize how much I really enjoy teaching. I am a good teacher. Everyone has always said that. It made me even consider going back to teaching. I don't know. Could I handle it now?
Love: No real love today. I'm feeling disconnected spiritually and trying to make sense out of my week.
Pain: I talked to someone from my SA meeting today. She's having a hard time maintaining sobriety. It is painful to watch. It reminds me a lot of my first 6 months and how desperate I felt to string together some kind of sobriety and wanted so badly for the addiction fog to begin to lift. It's painful to hear her talk about her anger and desperateness.
Fear: At group tonight I had to share my sobriety date. I am always afraid to do that.
Shame: At group tonight I had to check in sexually and share my sobriety date. I have so much shame associated with feeling anything sexually. Any sort of arousal, or desire to be aroused, or anything like that just pangs me with shame. I shared tonight that I was angry about the phone call from Steve yesterday. I felt shameful about sharing that. I'm just a mess of shame tonight. LOL
Loneliness: Not so much today. At least not as much as yesterday. I had a really good conversation with a friend today and that helped.
Guilt: My friend emailed me and thinks I'm mad at her. I haven't called her since I got back from California, but that doesn't mean I'm upset. She apologized for whatever she had done wrong. Ok - that's a bit of co-dependency right there and also a huge amount of insecurity. When I did call her today, she didn't call back. Will I ever succeed at relationships? even just friendship?
Joy: My green bean plant is out of control! I LOVE IT! I'm going to pick tomorrow and have so many beans. I'm really joyful about the stuff I was able to grow this year. I enjoy that about having a house.
Passion: I taught piano lessons today. I missed it last week and didn't realize how much I really enjoy teaching. I am a good teacher. Everyone has always said that. It made me even consider going back to teaching. I don't know. Could I handle it now?
Love: No real love today. I'm feeling disconnected spiritually and trying to make sense out of my week.
Pain: I talked to someone from my SA meeting today. She's having a hard time maintaining sobriety. It is painful to watch. It reminds me a lot of my first 6 months and how desperate I felt to string together some kind of sobriety and wanted so badly for the addiction fog to begin to lift. It's painful to hear her talk about her anger and desperateness.
Fear: At group tonight I had to share my sobriety date. I am always afraid to do that.
Destruction
At 36, this is never where I expected my life to be. Many times as a child I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I promise that "Sex Addict" was never among the responses. I never dreamed there would be a point in my life where I'd be seeing an addiction therapist, food therapist, physical therapist and group therapist weekly, as well as attending 2-3 SA meetings a week. Never, in my wildest dreams, was this where I wanted to be.
How did I get here? I ask that question of myself often. I started like every other little girl, playing barbies, wanting a husband and a family. I grew up going to church and feeling loved by my Heavenly Father. I got good grades, played in the band, and swam on a swim team. I worked through high school and even helped support my family when my dad was laid off.
So what happened? I'm not quite sure, and know it will take me years to figure out. But, in the meantime, I have found great comfort in the following:
How did addiction, sex, and food become the least destructive option available? As I progressed in life, not processing emotions, having no boundaries, and not knowing how to get my needs met, my options slowly faded away. When I started having phone sex, I was both devastated and excited. My family was constantly in crisis and my need to keep them stable prevented me from sharing my emotions or loneliness with them and getting any type of support. My inability to be vulnerable kept people at arms length and never allowed even the interested men to get very far with me. Yet, I didn't know that's what was happening. I just thought I was unlovable because I couldn't seem to make or keep friends or relationships. I felt trapped and desperate. One night, while chatting with a guy I met on an LDS dating website, he suggested we talk on the phone. That seemed harmless to me. We talked for hours. The next night he called again and started asking more personal questions. I had no boundaries and answered his questions without hesitation. We had phone sex that night, and nearly every night for a week. Like I said -- equally devastated and excited. I thought this was the vulnerability and closeness I had always wanted that seemed to elude me everywhere. Yet, I knew what I was doing was absolutely wrong. And thus the double life began. That was 2004.
I'm grateful that today, I can see more options. As more and more options become available to me through knowledge and therapy, I improve. I'm grateful I'm not trapped anymore. I'm grateful to have found help.
Knowing that I truly took the least destruction options I saw available to me also allows me to be more compassionate to others. My least destructive path took me into addiction. When I look at others whom I feel have wronged or offended me, I can take a step back and realize that they, too, probably took what they felt was the least destruction option. I can forgive more readily when I look at things from that perspective. My parents didn't start out thinking "we're going to screw up our kids by never talking about sex". Nor do I think my mom thought that making cookies every day of my life instead of actually talking to me about feelings would lead to a food addiction.
So bring on all the therapy and meetings and books because the more options I have, the less destruction and mayhem I will wreck on my life and those around me. And, heaven knows, we could all do with a little less desctruction and a little more compassion.
How did I get here? I ask that question of myself often. I started like every other little girl, playing barbies, wanting a husband and a family. I grew up going to church and feeling loved by my Heavenly Father. I got good grades, played in the band, and swam on a swim team. I worked through high school and even helped support my family when my dad was laid off.
So what happened? I'm not quite sure, and know it will take me years to figure out. But, in the meantime, I have found great comfort in the following:
"I believe that even in the depths of our addiction, each of us tried to choose the least destructive options we saw at the time. As we learn better options, we improve. I need to let go of my shame for not knowing what I had never been taught or shown, and I need to support others as they learn to do the same." Step Into Action, 4, 5, 6, 7, page 38.When I look at the world, I see extremes. I can be good or bad, but nothing in between. I am successful or not, perfect or a failure, right or wrong, joyful or depressed. This attitude is something I learned from my closed, enmeshed family, where our parents lived in extremes. When I look at options available to me, I tend to see the opposite sides of the spectrum and nothing else. As I look back on my life, I really do feel that I took the least destructive options that I saw available to me.
How did addiction, sex, and food become the least destructive option available? As I progressed in life, not processing emotions, having no boundaries, and not knowing how to get my needs met, my options slowly faded away. When I started having phone sex, I was both devastated and excited. My family was constantly in crisis and my need to keep them stable prevented me from sharing my emotions or loneliness with them and getting any type of support. My inability to be vulnerable kept people at arms length and never allowed even the interested men to get very far with me. Yet, I didn't know that's what was happening. I just thought I was unlovable because I couldn't seem to make or keep friends or relationships. I felt trapped and desperate. One night, while chatting with a guy I met on an LDS dating website, he suggested we talk on the phone. That seemed harmless to me. We talked for hours. The next night he called again and started asking more personal questions. I had no boundaries and answered his questions without hesitation. We had phone sex that night, and nearly every night for a week. Like I said -- equally devastated and excited. I thought this was the vulnerability and closeness I had always wanted that seemed to elude me everywhere. Yet, I knew what I was doing was absolutely wrong. And thus the double life began. That was 2004.
I'm grateful that today, I can see more options. As more and more options become available to me through knowledge and therapy, I improve. I'm grateful I'm not trapped anymore. I'm grateful to have found help.
Knowing that I truly took the least destruction options I saw available to me also allows me to be more compassionate to others. My least destructive path took me into addiction. When I look at others whom I feel have wronged or offended me, I can take a step back and realize that they, too, probably took what they felt was the least destruction option. I can forgive more readily when I look at things from that perspective. My parents didn't start out thinking "we're going to screw up our kids by never talking about sex". Nor do I think my mom thought that making cookies every day of my life instead of actually talking to me about feelings would lead to a food addiction.
So bring on all the therapy and meetings and books because the more options I have, the less destruction and mayhem I will wreck on my life and those around me. And, heaven knows, we could all do with a little less desctruction and a little more compassion.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Feelings 2.4
Ok -- I'm ready to deal with my feelings today, all the ones I've been ignoring for the past week.....
Anger: Steve called me today. Why the hell can't he leave me alone? I thought I had blocked his number, but apparently not. I didn't answer the call, but just knowing he called put me in a funk. Yesterday was his birthday. I tried not to think about it all day. He lied to me for 7 years. Asked me to marry him, knowing he was already married. I've asked him to leave me alone -- yet he can't stop calling. I'm angry at him.
Fear: I started feeling overwhelmed today. I know quitting my job was the right thing to do -- it was absolutely the right thing to do. Yet - today I'm scared. I left a very well-paying job that I loved because of an abusive boss. Should I have stuck it out? What if I can't find another job? I'm scared about it.
Pain: My hip hurts a little bit tonight. It hasn't hurt for a few weeks. I will take some meds and stretch it for a few more times tonight and we'll see how it goes in the next few weeks.
Shame: Steve's phone call triggered all sorts of shame because for about 30 seconds I wanted to answer. And then for another minute I contemplated calling him back. That felt like torture! I had to talk myself back off the cliff. I haven't had to do that for months. I used one of my new tactics though. Fast-forward! So if I called him, we would talk for a few days, I would enjoy having him again and then ultimately I would feel incredibly guilty or he would try and push the friendship boundaries we tried in the past and I would have to cut it off again. Why go through it? It's not worth it and so I won't do it. I called a few people including my sponsor, emailed my therapist and let it go.
Guilt: I didn't do everything that Jane wanted me to do when she asked me about it. I was frustrated with her and didn't communicate as well as I could have. I fixed it all today and talked to her about it. I apologized and everything, but I still have some residual guilt. Well, what I really have is guilt about being resentful at her for her lack of ability. I need to let it all go.
Loneliness: The last few days have been full of loneliness. I'm not sure why it's hit me so hard lately, but I do feel alone so often. I need to reconnect. I need to plug back in. I'm just not sure I want to or how I'm going to do it. With connection comes vulnerability and pain.
Joy: No real joy today. None that I remember or that was significant.
Passion: I played the piano and sang for an hour today. I LOVE singing and playing. I love music. Singing and playing feels so good. It's like pure, raw emotion. I have a passion for music.
Love: I love water. I went swimming tonight again. I forget how much I love to be in water. I love the feel of water moving around me and the way my body feels in the water. I love it. I will continue to do it every day this week so that my hip continues to get better.
Feelings processed -- it does feel good. I will say that. I remember why I really liked doing this the first few days.
Anger: Steve called me today. Why the hell can't he leave me alone? I thought I had blocked his number, but apparently not. I didn't answer the call, but just knowing he called put me in a funk. Yesterday was his birthday. I tried not to think about it all day. He lied to me for 7 years. Asked me to marry him, knowing he was already married. I've asked him to leave me alone -- yet he can't stop calling. I'm angry at him.
Fear: I started feeling overwhelmed today. I know quitting my job was the right thing to do -- it was absolutely the right thing to do. Yet - today I'm scared. I left a very well-paying job that I loved because of an abusive boss. Should I have stuck it out? What if I can't find another job? I'm scared about it.
Pain: My hip hurts a little bit tonight. It hasn't hurt for a few weeks. I will take some meds and stretch it for a few more times tonight and we'll see how it goes in the next few weeks.
Shame: Steve's phone call triggered all sorts of shame because for about 30 seconds I wanted to answer. And then for another minute I contemplated calling him back. That felt like torture! I had to talk myself back off the cliff. I haven't had to do that for months. I used one of my new tactics though. Fast-forward! So if I called him, we would talk for a few days, I would enjoy having him again and then ultimately I would feel incredibly guilty or he would try and push the friendship boundaries we tried in the past and I would have to cut it off again. Why go through it? It's not worth it and so I won't do it. I called a few people including my sponsor, emailed my therapist and let it go.
Guilt: I didn't do everything that Jane wanted me to do when she asked me about it. I was frustrated with her and didn't communicate as well as I could have. I fixed it all today and talked to her about it. I apologized and everything, but I still have some residual guilt. Well, what I really have is guilt about being resentful at her for her lack of ability. I need to let it all go.
Loneliness: The last few days have been full of loneliness. I'm not sure why it's hit me so hard lately, but I do feel alone so often. I need to reconnect. I need to plug back in. I'm just not sure I want to or how I'm going to do it. With connection comes vulnerability and pain.
Joy: No real joy today. None that I remember or that was significant.
Passion: I played the piano and sang for an hour today. I LOVE singing and playing. I love music. Singing and playing feels so good. It's like pure, raw emotion. I have a passion for music.
Love: I love water. I went swimming tonight again. I forget how much I love to be in water. I love the feel of water moving around me and the way my body feels in the water. I love it. I will continue to do it every day this week so that my hip continues to get better.
Feelings processed -- it does feel good. I will say that. I remember why I really liked doing this the first few days.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Feelings 2.3
Anger: No real anger today -- that's a few days in a row.
Fear: No real fear --
Pain: My arms hurt today. After swimming on Friday, the back of arms hurt. It's a hurt kind of pain, but pain nonetheless.
Loneliness: I sat in church alone today. Primary got to me today. The cutest kid gave a talk today and his mom and dad were in the back watching. I watched them beaming with pride as he spoke and it make me lonely. I want a family.
Shame: No real shame today
Guilt: I should have done more last week for work -- I should have communicated with work better and should have done a better job. I need to catch up.
Joy: No real joy today.
Passion: I sang with the stake choir tonight. LOVE singing again. LOVE being part of a choir.
Love: Little Flora in Nursery called after me every time she saw me today -- I love you Sistah Smith. I love working in Nursery and Primary. I feel loved everytime I'm in nursery. They all love me and talk to me and want to be with me. I love them!
So I felt all these feelings today but I don't want to talk about them. Is that good or bad? Bad probably. I know, it's bad actually. When I don't want to talk about feelings, or process feelings or discuss feelings, then that means I want to escape them.
I need to work through my feelings. but I don't want to!!!!!
Fear: No real fear --
Pain: My arms hurt today. After swimming on Friday, the back of arms hurt. It's a hurt kind of pain, but pain nonetheless.
Loneliness: I sat in church alone today. Primary got to me today. The cutest kid gave a talk today and his mom and dad were in the back watching. I watched them beaming with pride as he spoke and it make me lonely. I want a family.
Shame: No real shame today
Guilt: I should have done more last week for work -- I should have communicated with work better and should have done a better job. I need to catch up.
Joy: No real joy today.
Passion: I sang with the stake choir tonight. LOVE singing again. LOVE being part of a choir.
Love: Little Flora in Nursery called after me every time she saw me today -- I love you Sistah Smith. I love working in Nursery and Primary. I feel loved everytime I'm in nursery. They all love me and talk to me and want to be with me. I love them!
So I felt all these feelings today but I don't want to talk about them. Is that good or bad? Bad probably. I know, it's bad actually. When I don't want to talk about feelings, or process feelings or discuss feelings, then that means I want to escape them.
I need to work through my feelings. but I don't want to!!!!!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Reality
In addiction literature there is a lot of talk about "accepting life on life's terms". For the 15 months I have been in recovery, the phrase has been lost on me. What exactly was that supposed to mean? It seems contrary to what I've been taught all my life: If you want something you go out and make it happen. What does life's terms have to do with anything?
But over the past week, as I visited with family members and evaluated my life one year into this, I'm starting to understand what the phrase means.
Case in point: My mother
In order for me to be healthy, I've had to pull back on my relationship with my mother. We went from talking everyday, multiple times, to three times a week (which nearly killed her), then twice a week, and now once a week or so. It's been extremely difficult for my mom to watch me pull away. She feels guilty, which she tells me all the time. She worries about me, she talks about me, she tries to find information about me through other children, etc., etc., etc. However, my emotions have stabilized. I'm not on a constant roller coaster with her. I'm not part of the drama circle in the family.
The problem: I've been resentful that it has to be this way. Why can't we have that ideal mother/daughter relationship I've always wanted? Why does she have to be so dramatic about everything? Why can't I trust her? Why can't I have what I want? I've prayed the last few weeks about how to build a healthy relationship with my family. Today I made progress. I have to give up the fantasy in my head about what our relationship "should" be like, and accept what it is. I must accept life on life's terms if I am going to make progress on any relationship in my life.
I think this is what Elder Bednar meant when he spoke of "Things as They Really Are". That talk had a profound effect upon me a few years ago when I first read it. It was one of the things that helped me want to give up addiction. It started a stirring in me to fix what was wrong. It helped me see my addiction and the things I had been doing as they really were, as part of my reality.
I realize now, as the addiction fog continues to lift, that nearly my entire life has been lived in fantasy. Not the sexual kind, though there was plenty of that, but just the fantasy of what I wanted things to be like. I compare people to how I think they "should" be in my fantasy world. I compare relationships to the "ideal" I've created in my head. I compare even myself to this ideal, fantasy version of what I think I "should" be like. But none of it is real. It's this imaginary, fantasy place in my head.
The longer I continue to do this - the longer my unhealthy relationships will continue. Until I can let go of the fantasy and face reality, things as they really are, I will not be able to move forward.
New goal this week: Stop using the word should when referring to mine or other's behavior, and work to see people for who they are.
But over the past week, as I visited with family members and evaluated my life one year into this, I'm starting to understand what the phrase means.
Case in point: My mother
In order for me to be healthy, I've had to pull back on my relationship with my mother. We went from talking everyday, multiple times, to three times a week (which nearly killed her), then twice a week, and now once a week or so. It's been extremely difficult for my mom to watch me pull away. She feels guilty, which she tells me all the time. She worries about me, she talks about me, she tries to find information about me through other children, etc., etc., etc. However, my emotions have stabilized. I'm not on a constant roller coaster with her. I'm not part of the drama circle in the family.
The problem: I've been resentful that it has to be this way. Why can't we have that ideal mother/daughter relationship I've always wanted? Why does she have to be so dramatic about everything? Why can't I trust her? Why can't I have what I want? I've prayed the last few weeks about how to build a healthy relationship with my family. Today I made progress. I have to give up the fantasy in my head about what our relationship "should" be like, and accept what it is. I must accept life on life's terms if I am going to make progress on any relationship in my life.
I think this is what Elder Bednar meant when he spoke of "Things as They Really Are". That talk had a profound effect upon me a few years ago when I first read it. It was one of the things that helped me want to give up addiction. It started a stirring in me to fix what was wrong. It helped me see my addiction and the things I had been doing as they really were, as part of my reality.
I realize now, as the addiction fog continues to lift, that nearly my entire life has been lived in fantasy. Not the sexual kind, though there was plenty of that, but just the fantasy of what I wanted things to be like. I compare people to how I think they "should" be in my fantasy world. I compare relationships to the "ideal" I've created in my head. I compare even myself to this ideal, fantasy version of what I think I "should" be like. But none of it is real. It's this imaginary, fantasy place in my head.
The longer I continue to do this - the longer my unhealthy relationships will continue. Until I can let go of the fantasy and face reality, things as they really are, I will not be able to move forward.
New goal this week: Stop using the word should when referring to mine or other's behavior, and work to see people for who they are.
Feelings 2.2
Fear: I want to be aroused. I like that feeling. Wanting to be aroused is not a good thing for me. It means I'm at risk. It means I'm not very committed right now. I need to be more committed. I'm afraid I will act out or start fantasizing.
Anger: I don't think I was angry at all today. At least that I remember.
Pain: My arms hurt from swimming yesterday. I haven't done that, lap swimming, for months. It's a good pain though.
Shame: No shame either.
Guilt: I'm still not doing as much as I want to be doing during the day. However, I did get a lot done. But I still feel guilty.
Loneliness: I'm just lonely. I have friends and even had a good day with Melody. I want to have a partner. I want to have someone to share my life with me.
Joy: I did so much work in the garage today. I also completely my list of things to do. I'm feeling joyful about that.
Passion: I decorated my house today. I haven't decorated my house for fall in years. I love it when my house is decorated and I have great fall smells coming from it. It makes me feel a passion for life and for fall and makes me feel organized and put together.
Love: I went to an SA meeting today. I haven't been able to be at this meeting for a few weeks. It was SOOO good to be back. I love these women that I meet with. They have been through very difficult things with me the past year. They have heard my entire story and are still my friends.
Anger: I don't think I was angry at all today. At least that I remember.
Pain: My arms hurt from swimming yesterday. I haven't done that, lap swimming, for months. It's a good pain though.
Shame: No shame either.
Guilt: I'm still not doing as much as I want to be doing during the day. However, I did get a lot done. But I still feel guilty.
Loneliness: I'm just lonely. I have friends and even had a good day with Melody. I want to have a partner. I want to have someone to share my life with me.
Joy: I did so much work in the garage today. I also completely my list of things to do. I'm feeling joyful about that.
Passion: I decorated my house today. I haven't decorated my house for fall in years. I love it when my house is decorated and I have great fall smells coming from it. It makes me feel a passion for life and for fall and makes me feel organized and put together.
Love: I went to an SA meeting today. I haven't been able to be at this meeting for a few weeks. It was SOOO good to be back. I love these women that I meet with. They have been through very difficult things with me the past year. They have heard my entire story and are still my friends.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Feelings 2.1
Here we go..... Week 2 of the feelings challenge. This has been highly beneficial. As I write each night, it gives me an opportunity to process my feelings. I feel more in control of my feelings and I feel like each day I start over, that emotions don't carry over from day to day. I've never had that before. Things always seemed to build up and carry over from hour to hour, day to day, week to week. Going to bed with feelings processed is good. It doesn't always work, but it's working more and more.
Fear: I'm afraid of my financial situation. I need to actually balance my checkbook and start living by a budget again.
Anger: Didn't really feel angry today --- glad for that.
Shame: Can't really think of anything I felt shameful about today either.
Guilt: I didn't work hardly at all today. I need to work and clean and do more about the house. I feel guilty about sleeping late, watching multiple episodes of Dr. Who, and my lack of progress on the User's Manual.
Loneliness: The doctor left Rose Tyler behind in an alternative universe. I know it's stupid, but I cried. It made me lonely. She cried, he cried, her life will never be the same, nor will his. Why does it have to work that way? Why
Pain: Sunburn -- hit my elbow.
Joy: Sleeping in my own bed felt joyful last night. I really enjoyed it.
Passion: I went swimming today. I haven't been lap swimming for months. I really do enjoy swimming. I'm excited to start swimming again.
Love: I tried to be more present my sister tonight. It went fairly well. I'm not sure how this new relationship is going to work, but somehow I need to build boundaries and learn how to work this better.
Fear: I'm afraid of my financial situation. I need to actually balance my checkbook and start living by a budget again.
Anger: Didn't really feel angry today --- glad for that.
Shame: Can't really think of anything I felt shameful about today either.
Guilt: I didn't work hardly at all today. I need to work and clean and do more about the house. I feel guilty about sleeping late, watching multiple episodes of Dr. Who, and my lack of progress on the User's Manual.
Loneliness: The doctor left Rose Tyler behind in an alternative universe. I know it's stupid, but I cried. It made me lonely. She cried, he cried, her life will never be the same, nor will his. Why does it have to work that way? Why
Pain: Sunburn -- hit my elbow.
Joy: Sleeping in my own bed felt joyful last night. I really enjoyed it.
Passion: I went swimming today. I haven't been lap swimming for months. I really do enjoy swimming. I'm excited to start swimming again.
Love: I tried to be more present my sister tonight. It went fairly well. I'm not sure how this new relationship is going to work, but somehow I need to build boundaries and learn how to work this better.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Feelings 1.7
Fear: I sat in the center of the circle tonight with everyone staring at me while they wrote out things they liked about me. I was scared of what they were going to say. But more than that, I was afraid of what I was going to say about them. Would it be the right thing to say? Would I say enough? What if I didn't like what I said? What if someone said something better than mine? That is the fear.
Anger: I don't think I felt anger today. I'm thinking really hard about it and can't really think of a moment where I was angry. Good day.
Shame: I don't think there was any shame either.
Guilt: I need to make things better with Melody. I need to go to the temple. I need to work on the User's Manual. I need to do a lot of things.
Loneliness: At group therapy tonight, a husband/wife team came and spoke about their recovery. He is the addict and she is the co-addict. They discussed some of their challenges in making things work together. All I keep thinking was, I wish I had a partner through this. I wish I had someone to work through all of this with. I felt lonely for a few minutes. But just a few.
Pain: Sunburn STILL GOING STRONG!
Joy: The traction at the physical therapist's office today REALLY helped my hip. I stood up and felt different. It was seriously amazing! I think this will work. Maybe no surgery really is an option.
Passion: A passion for life and the future kind of overtook me today. I had great sessions with all of my therapists today -- physical, addiction, food, group... all of it was excellent. I feel on a good path and feel hopeful about my future.
Love: These women in my group therapy session said amazing things about me tonight. I feel loved Also -- one of the therapist called me a force for good. He views me -- the addict -- a force for good. Amazing.
Anger: I don't think I felt anger today. I'm thinking really hard about it and can't really think of a moment where I was angry. Good day.
Shame: I don't think there was any shame either.
Guilt: I need to make things better with Melody. I need to go to the temple. I need to work on the User's Manual. I need to do a lot of things.
Loneliness: At group therapy tonight, a husband/wife team came and spoke about their recovery. He is the addict and she is the co-addict. They discussed some of their challenges in making things work together. All I keep thinking was, I wish I had a partner through this. I wish I had someone to work through all of this with. I felt lonely for a few minutes. But just a few.
Pain: Sunburn STILL GOING STRONG!
Joy: The traction at the physical therapist's office today REALLY helped my hip. I stood up and felt different. It was seriously amazing! I think this will work. Maybe no surgery really is an option.
Passion: A passion for life and the future kind of overtook me today. I had great sessions with all of my therapists today -- physical, addiction, food, group... all of it was excellent. I feel on a good path and feel hopeful about my future.
Love: These women in my group therapy session said amazing things about me tonight. I feel loved Also -- one of the therapist called me a force for good. He views me -- the addict -- a force for good. Amazing.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Feelings 1.6
Joy: I felt happy today. I don't right this minute, but I had a good two - three hours where I was just happy. It was a combination of a lot of things. But I felt happy, genuinely, wonderfully, refreshingly happy.
Fear: I came home today and was somewhat afraid to come home to my sister. I hate it.
Pain: Sunburn, still going strong. Oh and cramps.... oh how I hate thee.
Loneliness: I was sad today as I sat and talked to my friend about the situation with my sister and it made me a little lonely. Why can't I fix it? Why can't we have an amazing healthy relationship? Why isn't it all that I want it to be? Why can't we be friends?
Anger: I was angry at myself today for lying to a friend and then not answering her phone calls. I didn't say anything horrible, just lied when I didn't even need to. I didn't want to set a boundary and so lied to get out of it. Why do I do that?
Shame: I flew home tonight and I had to get a seat belt extender for my seat. It's only short about an inch, but I hate it. I am ashamed of my body sometimes. It's getting better, but tonight the shame was there for sure.
Guilt: I need to work at my relationship with my sister more.
Passion: I am excited to be back home and ready to start my new adventure. I need to find a job and jump into school and get a life. I felt excited about that today.
Love: I love my grandma. I love my family. Even for all the craziness and addiction and horrible things that have happened. I love them. I spent time with grandma today and told her how much I miss her and all she has meant to me throughout my life. Grandpa, too. I love them.
Fear: I came home today and was somewhat afraid to come home to my sister. I hate it.
Pain: Sunburn, still going strong. Oh and cramps.... oh how I hate thee.
Loneliness: I was sad today as I sat and talked to my friend about the situation with my sister and it made me a little lonely. Why can't I fix it? Why can't we have an amazing healthy relationship? Why isn't it all that I want it to be? Why can't we be friends?
Anger: I was angry at myself today for lying to a friend and then not answering her phone calls. I didn't say anything horrible, just lied when I didn't even need to. I didn't want to set a boundary and so lied to get out of it. Why do I do that?
Shame: I flew home tonight and I had to get a seat belt extender for my seat. It's only short about an inch, but I hate it. I am ashamed of my body sometimes. It's getting better, but tonight the shame was there for sure.
Guilt: I need to work at my relationship with my sister more.
Passion: I am excited to be back home and ready to start my new adventure. I need to find a job and jump into school and get a life. I felt excited about that today.
Love: I love my grandma. I love my family. Even for all the craziness and addiction and horrible things that have happened. I love them. I spent time with grandma today and told her how much I miss her and all she has meant to me throughout my life. Grandpa, too. I love them.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Feelings 1.5
So here I am -- day 5 of the feelings project. I'm actually really liking this. In just 5 days I do feel more aware of my feelings. Also, this gives me time to process things that happened during the day. I have noticed that I have a much harder time with the "positive" emotions than the negative ones. Not sure what to do about that, but something should be done.
Fear: I sent a possibly controversial email to my boss this morning. I was afraid of the consequences and response.
Anger: I serve on a committee that plans activities for singles in my area. We have a big activity coming up in October. I have worked hard to make assignments and delegate things so it's not on all my shoulders. I sent a report in today to the committee. The woman who chairs the committee responded that she was impressed that everything was delegated and said she wasn't going to come or be there since she had no direct responsibilities. I was instantly angry. Why does she feel she can just ditch the activity? And we do need her to be there and help set up, etc. Seriously -- where do people get off?
Shame: I need to work more. I've got a consulting gig and I haven't been putting in enough hours. I need to put more hours in. I feel shameful about the amount of playing I've been doing. I need to work more.
Guilt: My friend really wants me to go back and visit her tomorrow. I don't want to. I said no, but I still feel guilty that I can't give her what she wants. My rescuing working within me.
Pain: I am so sun burnt. I only spent 90 minutes at the beach today, but my shoulders and arms are on fire. But I love it. :) But it hurts.
Loneliness: I spoke with a member of my group therapy team today. She was complaining about her husband. A big part of me was resentful for a few minutes and then it turned into loneliness. I want a partner. I want someone in my life who loves me. Although, I do have to say, for one of the first times in my life, I feel loveable.
Joy: I sat at the beach and stared at the ocean today and ate grapes with sand in them. It was awesome!
Passion: Can I feel passion for Doctor Who? I watched a few episodes today and feel like he's my friend. LOL -- I'm crazy, I know.
Love: I feel loveable today. I feel like enough. I feel like myself. I feel like things are changing and I feel like loving.
Fear: I sent a possibly controversial email to my boss this morning. I was afraid of the consequences and response.
Anger: I serve on a committee that plans activities for singles in my area. We have a big activity coming up in October. I have worked hard to make assignments and delegate things so it's not on all my shoulders. I sent a report in today to the committee. The woman who chairs the committee responded that she was impressed that everything was delegated and said she wasn't going to come or be there since she had no direct responsibilities. I was instantly angry. Why does she feel she can just ditch the activity? And we do need her to be there and help set up, etc. Seriously -- where do people get off?
Shame: I need to work more. I've got a consulting gig and I haven't been putting in enough hours. I need to put more hours in. I feel shameful about the amount of playing I've been doing. I need to work more.
Guilt: My friend really wants me to go back and visit her tomorrow. I don't want to. I said no, but I still feel guilty that I can't give her what she wants. My rescuing working within me.
Pain: I am so sun burnt. I only spent 90 minutes at the beach today, but my shoulders and arms are on fire. But I love it. :) But it hurts.
Loneliness: I spoke with a member of my group therapy team today. She was complaining about her husband. A big part of me was resentful for a few minutes and then it turned into loneliness. I want a partner. I want someone in my life who loves me. Although, I do have to say, for one of the first times in my life, I feel loveable.
Joy: I sat at the beach and stared at the ocean today and ate grapes with sand in them. It was awesome!
Passion: Can I feel passion for Doctor Who? I watched a few episodes today and feel like he's my friend. LOL -- I'm crazy, I know.
Love: I feel loveable today. I feel like enough. I feel like myself. I feel like things are changing and I feel like loving.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Feelings 1.4
Fear: I went to a restaurant by myself tonight. I'm on vacation and wanted to eat out even though I'm on my own. The whole time I was afraid about what other people were thinking about me while I was sitting there by myself eating my food. Did they feel sorry for me? Did they wonder what was going on?
Anger: There is this song on the radio right now, I think it's called "Somebody That I Used To Know." I've listened to it several times, but had not really processed the lyrics until today. The verse where the woman sings: "Now and then I think about all the times you screwed me over, but had me believin' it was always something that I'd done." All of the sudden I was angry! That is exactly what happened to me. You screwed me over and blamed me the whole time! Damn - I'm glad that is over.
Pain: I drove past the high school where I used to teach. It was painful. I wanted to be there. My boundary problems and addiction prevented me from doing something that I loved, something I was good at. I couldn't manage it. I couldn't stay physically healthy and continue to teach. It was painful to face what I lost.
Shame: I don't think I really felt shame today. A little bit of regret, a little bit of guilt, a little bit of frustration, but no real shame.
Guilt: There were two people that were extremely kind to me during my time in this area. Their son was in my program, and they spent so much time and so much money supporting us the first few years. I never got to tell them how grateful I was for their support and friendship. I drove past their shop today hoping they would be there, but their shop moved. I wasn't the best at leading this program, and didn't always make the best decisions. I was neck deep in addiction and had no emotional boundaries. I felt guilty about how I handled the whole situation and wished I could tell them that.
Loneliness: The area I drove through and visited today was where I was living at the height of my addiction. It was hard to be there. There was a man I spent 5 years of my life with. We were never romantic, but were best friends. He was amazing. I wanted to marry him. I loved him with everything that I was, but try as I might, I could not make the jump to something romantic. I realize now, I didn't know how. I miss him. He was a good man. I wanted to stop by his house and visit, but didn't think his wife would appreciate that. It made me lonely.
Joy: As I drove around today, I truly felt forgiven. I felt ready to let go. I felt the healing begin inside me. I chose the Celestial Experience. And that meant that I was going to go through my own personal hell to learn what I needed to learn to make it back to the Celestial Kingdom. My addiction, my experiences, my pain, my decisions are all part of that experience. I felt that joy of that today.
Passion: Is it possible to feel passion about yourself? Today I felt a passion for self-care. I'm ready to become who it is I want to be. I'm ready to take care of myself to be authentic, to be real, to be myself. Me. Who I've always wanted to be. I'm ready to make that happen and I'm EXCITED about it.
Love: How about I felt loved. Does that work? I felt loved today by Heavenly Father. I know He loves me. I know I am on the right path. I know that everything that has happened is part of my Celestial Experience. I felt the spirit so much today and felt healing and closure to this part of my life. I am loved.
Anger: There is this song on the radio right now, I think it's called "Somebody That I Used To Know." I've listened to it several times, but had not really processed the lyrics until today. The verse where the woman sings: "Now and then I think about all the times you screwed me over, but had me believin' it was always something that I'd done." All of the sudden I was angry! That is exactly what happened to me. You screwed me over and blamed me the whole time! Damn - I'm glad that is over.
Pain: I drove past the high school where I used to teach. It was painful. I wanted to be there. My boundary problems and addiction prevented me from doing something that I loved, something I was good at. I couldn't manage it. I couldn't stay physically healthy and continue to teach. It was painful to face what I lost.
Shame: I don't think I really felt shame today. A little bit of regret, a little bit of guilt, a little bit of frustration, but no real shame.
Guilt: There were two people that were extremely kind to me during my time in this area. Their son was in my program, and they spent so much time and so much money supporting us the first few years. I never got to tell them how grateful I was for their support and friendship. I drove past their shop today hoping they would be there, but their shop moved. I wasn't the best at leading this program, and didn't always make the best decisions. I was neck deep in addiction and had no emotional boundaries. I felt guilty about how I handled the whole situation and wished I could tell them that.
Loneliness: The area I drove through and visited today was where I was living at the height of my addiction. It was hard to be there. There was a man I spent 5 years of my life with. We were never romantic, but were best friends. He was amazing. I wanted to marry him. I loved him with everything that I was, but try as I might, I could not make the jump to something romantic. I realize now, I didn't know how. I miss him. He was a good man. I wanted to stop by his house and visit, but didn't think his wife would appreciate that. It made me lonely.
Joy: As I drove around today, I truly felt forgiven. I felt ready to let go. I felt the healing begin inside me. I chose the Celestial Experience. And that meant that I was going to go through my own personal hell to learn what I needed to learn to make it back to the Celestial Kingdom. My addiction, my experiences, my pain, my decisions are all part of that experience. I felt that joy of that today.
Passion: Is it possible to feel passion about yourself? Today I felt a passion for self-care. I'm ready to become who it is I want to be. I'm ready to take care of myself to be authentic, to be real, to be myself. Me. Who I've always wanted to be. I'm ready to make that happen and I'm EXCITED about it.
Love: How about I felt loved. Does that work? I felt loved today by Heavenly Father. I know He loves me. I know I am on the right path. I know that everything that has happened is part of my Celestial Experience. I felt the spirit so much today and felt healing and closure to this part of my life. I am loved.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Feelings 1.3
Fear: Vacations and alone, unstructured time has always meant opportunities for me to act out. As I face the rest of this vacation with four days of time to do whatever I want, I felt a little bit of fear. The fear is doubled because I’m visiting places where I have acted out in the past. I drove past the place where everything started today. I’m wondering if I really have changed. If I’m really going to be different. I’m afraid I’m not going to make it.
Anger: Everyone has a different paradigm. Everyone experiences the same thing a little differently. Yesterday, my mom told my grandparents about her decision to give up the 4 foster kids that were living with us at one point in time. I don’t remember the situation like she does. Today I was angry about it because my mom makes drama out of everything. She views herself as the big rescuer and will even create a situation that needs rescuing just so she has something to do. We never talked about hard things when we were little. Mom just made the decision she thought was best for us and took the responsibility for it on herself. I totally do that.
Pain: My body is sore today. I want to gain more control and more power over my body. I want to be able to do the physical things I want to do. I need to commit myself to self-care and start making me a priority in my own life.
Shame: I didn’t shower or change clothes today. Sometimes, my level of self-care shocks me. I feel shame about it a lot of the time. I would like to take more time to take care of myself, to dress up, to feel more pride in my appearance and who I am.
Guilt: I’m really struggling feeling guilty about my family situation. Part of me wants to reach out and spend more time with them and part of me wants to run away. I want to feel connected and love them and do things with/for them and spend more time with them, but I don’t handle it well and it’s very frustrating to me to watch the patterns repeat themselves over and over again. I don’t know what to do about it.
Joy: Finding an Alberto’s in Orange! J Also just driving around and understanding more of where I came from. Feeling the healing of heart begin as I let go of so many things from my past.
Passion: I felt passion today about the future. No more is my past going to hold me captive. I have visited the past today and it didn’t obsess about me or wait for me. I am ready to let it go, to forgive myself and those around me. I am ready to learn from the past and to make the future one that I want. I am ready to move forward with passion for who I am and what I bring to the world.
Love: I visited my sister’s grave today and felt love for her, for my dad and for my family. Looking at all the grave markers for all the little children that died made me sad, but also filled me with love. I felt the spirit as I talked to Annjeanette and knew she was aware of me. I know she’s spending time with our dad.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Feelings: Day 2
Fear: I loaned my mom $1000 today. I am really afraid she is going to blow the money and not spend it where it needs to go. I'm also afraid I am just perpetuating the problem by giving her money. I was too afraid to actually talk to her about the money, about her spending, about her issues, about how uncomfortable I am with the whole thing. I just gave her the money. No talking, nothing.
Anger: I got an email from my old boss this morning and it made me VERY ANGRY! I don't work for him anymore, he can't decide how and when he wants me to bill, nor can he decide if and when I work. I get to decide that. Also - I didn't get paid today and I should have gotten paid. I'm VERY upset about that. I'm just angry about the whole thing. WHY IS HE SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!
Pain:
Shame: I overate AGAIN tonight. How many times do I have to do that before it will kick in that I HATE IT. I feel very shameful about it because it makes me feel out of control when I overeat. Like other people are in control of my feelings. I don't know, it's weird.
Guilt: I'm missing Primary tomorrow and I forgot to find a sub to do the music. Forgot isn't the right word. I remembered SEVERAL times, I just didn't do it. So at the last minute, at 10:30pm tonight, I sent an email to several women asking one of them to do it. I could have just asked earlier this week. I thought about it so many times and just didn't. I need to stop that. I need to act when I need to act.
Loneliness: I don't really feel like I experienced this emotion today. Maybe, while I watched my mom and her dad argue about things, I felt lonely for my mom. She needs so much help emotionally and no one can help her. She won't go find the help she needs and she is probably in a lot of denial about how much help that is. I felt lonely for her. This must be a hard world when you are alone like she is.
Joy: I went to the beach today! I haven't been to a real beach, with sand and water and waves for 4 long years. I bobbed in the water for nearly and hour, swam with the seaweed and dug for sand crabs. It was awesome. I'm just the perfect amount of sun burnt -- not so much that it's bothersome, but enough that you skin is slightly warm to the touch! LOVE IT!
Passion: When I first got here - to Cali for my week long visit -- my plan was to re-live my life. I was going to go to all my old haunts, my old houses, schools, place of employment. I wanted to see everything again and re-live the memories I had there. But as I thought about it today, what I really want is to not re-live the past, but to plan for the future! I want to design my future and figure out what it is I want from the rest of my life. It lite in me a passion for my life and for myself.
Love: I love my grandparents. I love them with all my heart. I will see them again in a few days, but I miss seeing them all the time and enjoying their company.
Anger: I got an email from my old boss this morning and it made me VERY ANGRY! I don't work for him anymore, he can't decide how and when he wants me to bill, nor can he decide if and when I work. I get to decide that. Also - I didn't get paid today and I should have gotten paid. I'm VERY upset about that. I'm just angry about the whole thing. WHY IS HE SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!
Pain:
Shame: I overate AGAIN tonight. How many times do I have to do that before it will kick in that I HATE IT. I feel very shameful about it because it makes me feel out of control when I overeat. Like other people are in control of my feelings. I don't know, it's weird.
Guilt: I'm missing Primary tomorrow and I forgot to find a sub to do the music. Forgot isn't the right word. I remembered SEVERAL times, I just didn't do it. So at the last minute, at 10:30pm tonight, I sent an email to several women asking one of them to do it. I could have just asked earlier this week. I thought about it so many times and just didn't. I need to stop that. I need to act when I need to act.
Loneliness: I don't really feel like I experienced this emotion today. Maybe, while I watched my mom and her dad argue about things, I felt lonely for my mom. She needs so much help emotionally and no one can help her. She won't go find the help she needs and she is probably in a lot of denial about how much help that is. I felt lonely for her. This must be a hard world when you are alone like she is.
Joy: I went to the beach today! I haven't been to a real beach, with sand and water and waves for 4 long years. I bobbed in the water for nearly and hour, swam with the seaweed and dug for sand crabs. It was awesome. I'm just the perfect amount of sun burnt -- not so much that it's bothersome, but enough that you skin is slightly warm to the touch! LOVE IT!
Passion: When I first got here - to Cali for my week long visit -- my plan was to re-live my life. I was going to go to all my old haunts, my old houses, schools, place of employment. I wanted to see everything again and re-live the memories I had there. But as I thought about it today, what I really want is to not re-live the past, but to plan for the future! I want to design my future and figure out what it is I want from the rest of my life. It lite in me a passion for my life and for myself.
Love: I love my grandparents. I love them with all my heart. I will see them again in a few days, but I miss seeing them all the time and enjoying their company.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Feelings: Day 1
At group therapy last night, we were introduced to the "9 Core Feelings": Fear, Anger, Pain, Shame, Guilt, Loneliness, Joy, Passion, Love. After a lively discussion about why these 9 were picked and how only three on the list have a positive connotation, we were given an assignment.
"I give you a promise", our therapist said in his most confident tone. "You can have more control over these feelings in your life. You can make better sense of your emotions, learn to experience and process them, learn to share them, and ultimately master them. If this is what you want, this is what you need to do. For the next 8 weeks, find time each day to journal a quick experience you had that day with each of the 9 feelings. If you will do this, you will recover from whatever addiction you have." That's a pretty hefty promise.
So here goes.......
Fear: My sponsor called me today and I'm afraid to listen to the message. I haven't called her in two weeks probably and I know I should be calling her. I haven't listened to the message and don't want to.
Anger: Earlier this week, my mom asked to borrow money, evidence that she did blow through all my dad's life insurance money in 9 months. While we were out with my grandparents tonight, She went into this store and started acting like she was going to buy about $100 worth of clothes. My blood boiled for about 10 minutes. You're going to buy new clothes, which I KNOW you do not need, and then borrow $1000 from me for car insurance?
Pain: I'm visiting my grandparents this weekend. I haven't been here since I left the state 4 years ago. My grandmother is fading rapidly. She's 78 and weighs less than 100 lbs. Talking about the medical issues she has and everything going on was painful.
Shame: I ate to much food at dinner tonight. I haven't done that for a number of days and my stomach is overfull and feeling bloated. I really hate the feeling. I feel shameful about it. I knew I should have stopped earlier than I did. I hate this uncomfortable feeling that is just compounded by feeling shameful about it.
Guilt: Being around this side of the family brings a lot of guilt. I haven't always handled things the best with them over the years. When I moved out of state a number of years ago, I pretty much disappeared. I don't keep tabs on anyone or even keep up with their lives. I feel guilty about that.
Loneliness: This area is home to my prime acting out years. As I drove past places where I had acted out before, I was flooded with memories. Rather than be full of shame around my behavior (a huge step forward), I felt lonely. My acting out started because of my desperate loneliness. I couldn't connect with men in a healthy way and so found unhealthy ways to get the attention I was starving for. That loneliness overwhelmed me for a little bit today.
Joy: Driving on the freeway in Southern California will forever be joyful to me! Driving with the flow of traffic, weaving in and out of cars, knowing how to predict the drivers around me, feeling at home in 7 lanes of traffic. I LOVED every minute of it.
Passion: So I had to look passion up in the dictionary. I know what it means to be passionate. As a sex addict, I'm highly aware of the sexual use of this term. I also know it can be used to describe a feeling for something a concept, etc. So from dictionary.com:
So today, I had passion for the TV show "Doctor Who" as I explained it to my grandpa. I really think he would love the show and I was overly enthusiastic as I described the show. It was fun and I really do LOVE the Doctor.
Love: Hugging my grandma today after 4 years of not seeing her, I felt very loved. Sharing with her, crying with her, listening to her, having her look in my eyes and tell me that no matter what happens, I will make the right decision, was amazingly powerful today. I felt loved and gave love in return.
"I give you a promise", our therapist said in his most confident tone. "You can have more control over these feelings in your life. You can make better sense of your emotions, learn to experience and process them, learn to share them, and ultimately master them. If this is what you want, this is what you need to do. For the next 8 weeks, find time each day to journal a quick experience you had that day with each of the 9 feelings. If you will do this, you will recover from whatever addiction you have." That's a pretty hefty promise.
So here goes.......
Fear: My sponsor called me today and I'm afraid to listen to the message. I haven't called her in two weeks probably and I know I should be calling her. I haven't listened to the message and don't want to.
Anger: Earlier this week, my mom asked to borrow money, evidence that she did blow through all my dad's life insurance money in 9 months. While we were out with my grandparents tonight, She went into this store and started acting like she was going to buy about $100 worth of clothes. My blood boiled for about 10 minutes. You're going to buy new clothes, which I KNOW you do not need, and then borrow $1000 from me for car insurance?
Pain: I'm visiting my grandparents this weekend. I haven't been here since I left the state 4 years ago. My grandmother is fading rapidly. She's 78 and weighs less than 100 lbs. Talking about the medical issues she has and everything going on was painful.
Shame: I ate to much food at dinner tonight. I haven't done that for a number of days and my stomach is overfull and feeling bloated. I really hate the feeling. I feel shameful about it. I knew I should have stopped earlier than I did. I hate this uncomfortable feeling that is just compounded by feeling shameful about it.
Guilt: Being around this side of the family brings a lot of guilt. I haven't always handled things the best with them over the years. When I moved out of state a number of years ago, I pretty much disappeared. I don't keep tabs on anyone or even keep up with their lives. I feel guilty about that.
Loneliness: This area is home to my prime acting out years. As I drove past places where I had acted out before, I was flooded with memories. Rather than be full of shame around my behavior (a huge step forward), I felt lonely. My acting out started because of my desperate loneliness. I couldn't connect with men in a healthy way and so found unhealthy ways to get the attention I was starving for. That loneliness overwhelmed me for a little bit today.
Joy: Driving on the freeway in Southern California will forever be joyful to me! Driving with the flow of traffic, weaving in and out of cars, knowing how to predict the drivers around me, feeling at home in 7 lanes of traffic. I LOVED every minute of it.
Passion: So I had to look passion up in the dictionary. I know what it means to be passionate. As a sex addict, I'm highly aware of the sexual use of this term. I also know it can be used to describe a feeling for something a concept, etc. So from dictionary.com:
| 3. | a strong affection or enthusiasm for an object, concept, etc: a passion for poetry |
| 4. | any strongly felt emotion, such as love, hate, envy, etc |
Love: Hugging my grandma today after 4 years of not seeing her, I felt very loved. Sharing with her, crying with her, listening to her, having her look in my eyes and tell me that no matter what happens, I will make the right decision, was amazingly powerful today. I felt loved and gave love in return.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Boundaries
Sometimes I am amazed at what I don't know. I sit in 12-step meetings or therapy sessions and marvel at what seem like very basic and simple concepts to those in the room, including my therapist. As I work through my list of recommended reading, I have many of these epiphany moments where a somewhat simple or trivial sentence stands out like fire on a page. Like this one:
At 25, I had my first boyfriend. We met online and corresponded for about 3 months before meeting in person. Prior to this, I had never kissed a boy, never held hands, never had any physical relationship with a boy at all. Within 30 minutes of meeting we were half naked kissing and fondling each other. I believe in saving yourself for marriage -- so sex wasn't on the table. But we got close. Things escalated over the next three days. One morning, while cuddling, he dropped his pants, and masturbated himself to orgasm while kissing me. I didn't like it but didn't know how to say no. I had no boundaries. The next night, he dropped my pants and put his fingers inside me. I hated it. Not because it didn't feel good, but because I didn't want it to happen. I didn't want his fingers inside me. But again, I didn't know how to say no. I had no boundaries.
From the same book: "In their literal sense, boundaries can be described as a set of rules we establish to protect ourselves and to keep our behavior in check."
That is exactly what I need, a set of rules that I establish to protect myself. Only why do I have to establish these at 36 and not at 4 or 5 when I was supposed to? It seems harder now.
"Those who are not taught consistently how to set boundaries are left to figure out significant life experiences without proper guidance. Unable to define healthy boundaries, these children grow into adulthood without a clear sense of their own needs, wants, emotions, or beliefs."I started my period when I was 11. My mom wouldn't even talk to me about it. She handed me a pamphlet and told me to read it. We never discussed sexuality in any form at all whatsoever. I remember one time thinking I was pregnant because my period was late. My friend had told me that you could get pregnant if you used the bathroom too soon after a boy. Not knowing any better or different, I believed her. When I told my mom that, she laughed and laughed at me, but never talked to me about how you actually get pregnant or what was good touching or bad touching, what sex is, what dating is, what is appropriate or not in a relationship. Nothing -- we discussed nothing.
At 25, I had my first boyfriend. We met online and corresponded for about 3 months before meeting in person. Prior to this, I had never kissed a boy, never held hands, never had any physical relationship with a boy at all. Within 30 minutes of meeting we were half naked kissing and fondling each other. I believe in saving yourself for marriage -- so sex wasn't on the table. But we got close. Things escalated over the next three days. One morning, while cuddling, he dropped his pants, and masturbated himself to orgasm while kissing me. I didn't like it but didn't know how to say no. I had no boundaries. The next night, he dropped my pants and put his fingers inside me. I hated it. Not because it didn't feel good, but because I didn't want it to happen. I didn't want his fingers inside me. But again, I didn't know how to say no. I had no boundaries.
From the same book: "In their literal sense, boundaries can be described as a set of rules we establish to protect ourselves and to keep our behavior in check."
That is exactly what I need, a set of rules that I establish to protect myself. Only why do I have to establish these at 36 and not at 4 or 5 when I was supposed to? It seems harder now.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
You
You changed the security settings on your facebook page and made it searchable again. I stared at it for 20 minutes today knowing that with one click I could have your attention. You've reached out a number of different times and ways the last few weeks. I know it's eating at you that I haven't responded. You're banking on that part of me that feels bad when other people are unhappy. It's worked in the past quite effectively.
I've had a rough weekend. The kind that would normally drive me to you seeking validation, safety and security. I'd want to be wanted and lusted after and you would provide that in abundance. If I couldn't get your attention, or enough of your attention, I'd flaunt my sexuality to get what I wanted. It worked every time. I knew what to say and what not to say to get you aroused and wanting more. I'm sorry I used you in that way. Our mutual addiction issues fed on each other. I'm sincerely sorry for my part in that.
To bring me back to reality today, I searched for your wife's account too. It wasn't hard to find. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that you led me on for 7 years and never told me you were married. Sometimes I find it harder to believe that I never caught on. For seven years you let me think the reason we couldn't be together was me. For seven years you twisted my actions and thoughts until I didn't trust what I was seeing or feeling anymore. How did I let it get out of hand that far? For seven years I loved you with every thing that I am and when things never quite worked out, I figured it must be me. It never occurred to me that it could be you.
As I fought with my sister last night, the old internal dialog started. "This has got to be you. Other people seem to be able to make this work and get along, so you must be the one in the wrong. If only you were a better person, stronger, more patient, more unselfish, more spiritual, more Christlike, you could handle this. Whenever anything goes wrong in my life, that is the internal dialog. If you were a better person, he would love you. If you were more fun to be around, you would have friends. If you were prettier, men would be attracted to you. If you were more Christlike, you wouldn't get angry."
For my entire life, I have felt like the broken one. It never occurred to me that I was normal, and everyone else was broken. How could I have so many broken people in my life? How could so many of them end up in the same place? I was the common denominator between everyone, so it must have been me.
But something really, really amazing happened last night. At the height of this terrible self-bashing session, I showed up at my friends house. I thought we were going to a movie, but in reality - she threw me a party. A party celebrating me. A party celebrating my transition from dysfunction to healing. I walked around the corner and saw this amazing party and lost it. It took me 10 minutes to calm down enough to speak, I was crying so hard. These amazing women that I love and respect and admire, showed up to celebrate me. Me. ME!
I am not broken. I am not crazy. I am not selfish. I am not wrong. I am not a mistake.
I am enough. Just me, who I am right now in this very moment, is enough. Can I be better -- sure. Will I be better -- of course. But being who I am, right now, does not make me unworthy. Being who I am right now, is something to celebrate. Being who I am, right now, is amazing.
I will not allow myself to let you, or anyone else, make me feel that way ever again.
The whole seven years, it was you and not me.
I've had a rough weekend. The kind that would normally drive me to you seeking validation, safety and security. I'd want to be wanted and lusted after and you would provide that in abundance. If I couldn't get your attention, or enough of your attention, I'd flaunt my sexuality to get what I wanted. It worked every time. I knew what to say and what not to say to get you aroused and wanting more. I'm sorry I used you in that way. Our mutual addiction issues fed on each other. I'm sincerely sorry for my part in that.
To bring me back to reality today, I searched for your wife's account too. It wasn't hard to find. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that you led me on for 7 years and never told me you were married. Sometimes I find it harder to believe that I never caught on. For seven years you let me think the reason we couldn't be together was me. For seven years you twisted my actions and thoughts until I didn't trust what I was seeing or feeling anymore. How did I let it get out of hand that far? For seven years I loved you with every thing that I am and when things never quite worked out, I figured it must be me. It never occurred to me that it could be you.
As I fought with my sister last night, the old internal dialog started. "This has got to be you. Other people seem to be able to make this work and get along, so you must be the one in the wrong. If only you were a better person, stronger, more patient, more unselfish, more spiritual, more Christlike, you could handle this. Whenever anything goes wrong in my life, that is the internal dialog. If you were a better person, he would love you. If you were more fun to be around, you would have friends. If you were prettier, men would be attracted to you. If you were more Christlike, you wouldn't get angry."
For my entire life, I have felt like the broken one. It never occurred to me that I was normal, and everyone else was broken. How could I have so many broken people in my life? How could so many of them end up in the same place? I was the common denominator between everyone, so it must have been me.
But something really, really amazing happened last night. At the height of this terrible self-bashing session, I showed up at my friends house. I thought we were going to a movie, but in reality - she threw me a party. A party celebrating me. A party celebrating my transition from dysfunction to healing. I walked around the corner and saw this amazing party and lost it. It took me 10 minutes to calm down enough to speak, I was crying so hard. These amazing women that I love and respect and admire, showed up to celebrate me. Me. ME!
I am not broken. I am not crazy. I am not selfish. I am not wrong. I am not a mistake.
I am enough. Just me, who I am right now in this very moment, is enough. Can I be better -- sure. Will I be better -- of course. But being who I am, right now, does not make me unworthy. Being who I am right now, is something to celebrate. Being who I am, right now, is amazing.
I will not allow myself to let you, or anyone else, make me feel that way ever again.
The whole seven years, it was you and not me.
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