Coincidence

I'm working on my third step:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I haven't been very good at my morning prayers lately. Friday, I felt the need to really plug back in spiritually. I spent time in the morning praying and focused on two things. First, how incredibly grateful I am for the amazing support I am currently surrounded by, and two, seeking God's will in my life. 

Last summer, at the beginning of my recovery journey, I was having a really hard day. I posted something on FaceBook about needing a hug. An acquaintance of mine, we worked together in Primary at church but had never met outside of Sunday, called and invited me over for dinner. I desperately needed that phone call. We became fast friends. She has been a huge support for me and I've really appreciated her friendship. She was the woman who threw a party for me, which you can read about here: Blogpost: You

At one point in time, my therapist was pushing me to make a disclosure to her about my addiction, but it never felt right. I had plans several times to make it happen, but each time felt blocked and couldn't do it. She knows about therapy and the many issues with my family. She knows about all the issues I'm dealing with EXCEPT my sex addiction.  I've talked to her a lot about shame and co-dependency and some of the other big issues I face. 

The last few months, something has been bothering her. A few weeks ago, she called me in the middle of the night and wanted to go walking (10:00pm). I went and she began to talk around the edges of something big in her life. I was really grateful for all the things I have learned in therapy and recovery the last year. I felt the ability to be present and supportive. She never actually said what the issue was, it was more of a discussion about the symptoms and how it was effecting her life. She also had come to the conclusion that she can't live like this anymore, keeping all of her emotions pent up, holding it all together for her 4 kids, showing up to church with a happy face every week, and sobbing everyday in the shower for an hour. I can totally relate to that feeling.

She was at my house for book club last night and I could tell she wanted to chat. After everyone left, she sat on the couch and spilled her guts. Her husband has a serious pornography issue.  To try to please him and keep things together and keep things going, she has been having "Porn Sex" for several years and feels like she has compromised all of her values and who she is.  I said several prayers during the discussion that I would say the right thing and be able to help her figure out what the next steps are for her. We talked until nearly 2am.

Many people would view this as mere coincidence. But I am confident that it is not. So many things have happened to lead us both to the very moment where trust was in tact, feelings and experiences were safe to share and support and understanding could be expressed and appreciated. Probably the most significant is the fact that I've spent the last 7 weeks in a group therapy program with spouses of sexual addicts. Their willingness to share their experiences and feelings allowed me to have more empathy, compassion and understanding of her feelings.  If I hadn't had that experience, things would not have gone like they did last night.

I felt honored and humbled last night as I realized that Heavenly Father had prepared me in a very personal way to help my dear friend who was suffering so much. It was a sacred experience for me as I realized that the Lord really had kept His promise in my favorite Hymn, #85, How Firm a Foundation:

When through the deep waters, I cause thee to go
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'reflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
 

Contrasting last night's experience with others throughout my life, I am incredibly humbled and extremely grateful. Until recently, I never understood what it meant to be present. But I was present last night and my mouth was filled with the right thing to say.

Grateful doesn't seem like a big enough word for the feelings of my heart today.