"I give you a promise", our therapist said in his most confident tone. "You can have more control over these feelings in your life. You can make better sense of your emotions, learn to experience and process them, learn to share them, and ultimately master them. If this is what you want, this is what you need to do. For the next 8 weeks, find time each day to journal a quick experience you had that day with each of the 9 feelings. If you will do this, you will recover from whatever addiction you have." That's a pretty hefty promise.
So here goes.......
Fear: My sponsor called me today and I'm afraid to listen to the message. I haven't called her in two weeks probably and I know I should be calling her. I haven't listened to the message and don't want to.
Anger: Earlier this week, my mom asked to borrow money, evidence that she did blow through all my dad's life insurance money in 9 months. While we were out with my grandparents tonight, She went into this store and started acting like she was going to buy about $100 worth of clothes. My blood boiled for about 10 minutes. You're going to buy new clothes, which I KNOW you do not need, and then borrow $1000 from me for car insurance?
Pain: I'm visiting my grandparents this weekend. I haven't been here since I left the state 4 years ago. My grandmother is fading rapidly. She's 78 and weighs less than 100 lbs. Talking about the medical issues she has and everything going on was painful.
Shame: I ate to much food at dinner tonight. I haven't done that for a number of days and my stomach is overfull and feeling bloated. I really hate the feeling. I feel shameful about it. I knew I should have stopped earlier than I did. I hate this uncomfortable feeling that is just compounded by feeling shameful about it.
Guilt: Being around this side of the family brings a lot of guilt. I haven't always handled things the best with them over the years. When I moved out of state a number of years ago, I pretty much disappeared. I don't keep tabs on anyone or even keep up with their lives. I feel guilty about that.
Loneliness: This area is home to my prime acting out years. As I drove past places where I had acted out before, I was flooded with memories. Rather than be full of shame around my behavior (a huge step forward), I felt lonely. My acting out started because of my desperate loneliness. I couldn't connect with men in a healthy way and so found unhealthy ways to get the attention I was starving for. That loneliness overwhelmed me for a little bit today.
Joy: Driving on the freeway in Southern California will forever be joyful to me! Driving with the flow of traffic, weaving in and out of cars, knowing how to predict the drivers around me, feeling at home in 7 lanes of traffic. I LOVED every minute of it.
Passion: So I had to look passion up in the dictionary. I know what it means to be passionate. As a sex addict, I'm highly aware of the sexual use of this term. I also know it can be used to describe a feeling for something a concept, etc. So from dictionary.com:
| 3. | a strong affection or enthusiasm for an object, concept, etc: a passion for poetry |
| 4. | any strongly felt emotion, such as love, hate, envy, etc |
Love: Hugging my grandma today after 4 years of not seeing her, I felt very loved. Sharing with her, crying with her, listening to her, having her look in my eyes and tell me that no matter what happens, I will make the right decision, was amazingly powerful today. I felt loved and gave love in return.
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