Feelings 2.4

Ok -- I'm ready to deal with my feelings today, all the ones I've been ignoring for the past week.....

Anger: Steve called me today. Why the hell can't he leave me alone? I thought I had blocked his number, but apparently not. I didn't answer the call, but just knowing he called put me in a funk. Yesterday was his birthday. I tried not to think about it all day. He lied to me for 7 years. Asked me to marry him, knowing he was already married. I've asked him to leave me alone -- yet he can't stop calling. I'm angry at him.

Fear: I started feeling overwhelmed today. I know quitting my job was the right thing to do -- it was absolutely the right thing to do. Yet - today I'm scared. I left a very well-paying job that I loved because of an abusive boss.  Should I have stuck it out? What if I can't find another job? I'm scared about it.

Pain: My hip hurts a little bit tonight. It hasn't hurt for a few weeks. I will take some meds and stretch it for a few more times tonight and we'll see how it goes in the next few weeks. 

Shame: Steve's phone call triggered all sorts of shame because for about 30 seconds I wanted to answer. And then for another minute I contemplated calling him back. That felt like torture! I had to talk myself back off the cliff. I haven't had to do that for months. I used one of my new tactics though.  Fast-forward!  So if I called him, we would talk for a few days, I would enjoy having him again and then ultimately I would feel incredibly guilty or he would try and push the friendship boundaries we tried in the past and I would have to cut it off again. Why go through it? It's not worth it and so I won't do it.  I called a few people including my sponsor, emailed my therapist and let it go.

Guilt: I didn't do everything that Jane wanted me to do when she asked me about it. I was frustrated with her and didn't communicate as well as I could have. I fixed it all today and talked to her about it. I apologized and everything, but I still have some residual guilt.  Well, what I really have is guilt about being resentful at her for her lack of ability. I need to let it all go. 

Loneliness: The last few days have been full of loneliness. I'm not sure why it's hit me so hard lately, but I do feel alone so often. I need to reconnect. I need to plug back in. I'm just not sure I want to or how I'm going to do it. With connection comes vulnerability and pain.

Joy: No real joy today. None that I remember or that was significant.

Passion: I played the piano and sang for an hour today. I LOVE singing and playing. I love music. Singing and playing feels so good. It's like pure, raw emotion. I have a passion for music. 

Love: I love water. I went swimming tonight again. I forget how much I love to be in water. I love the feel of water moving around me and the way my body feels in the water. I love it. I will continue to do it every day this week so that my hip continues to get better. 

Feelings processed -- it does feel good. I will say that.  I remember why I really liked doing this the first few days.