Fear: I went to a restaurant by myself tonight. I'm on vacation and wanted to eat out even though I'm on my own. The whole time I was afraid about what other people were thinking about me while I was sitting there by myself eating my food. Did they feel sorry for me? Did they wonder what was going on?
Anger: There is this song on the radio right now, I think it's called "Somebody That I Used To Know." I've listened to it several times, but had not really processed the lyrics until today. The verse where the woman sings: "Now and then I think about all the times you screwed me over, but had me believin' it was always something that I'd done." All of the sudden I was angry! That is exactly what happened to me. You screwed me over and blamed me the whole time! Damn - I'm glad that is over.
Pain: I drove past the high school where I used to teach. It was painful. I wanted to be there. My boundary problems and addiction prevented me from doing something that I loved, something I was good at. I couldn't manage it. I couldn't stay physically healthy and continue to teach. It was painful to face what I lost.
Shame: I don't think I really felt shame today. A little bit of regret, a little bit of guilt, a little bit of frustration, but no real shame.
Guilt: There were two people that were extremely kind to me during my time in this area. Their son was in my program, and they spent so much time and so much money supporting us the first few years. I never got to tell them how grateful I was for their support and friendship. I drove past their shop today hoping they would be there, but their shop moved. I wasn't the best at leading this program, and didn't always make the best decisions. I was neck deep in addiction and had no emotional boundaries. I felt guilty about how I handled the whole situation and wished I could tell them that.
Loneliness: The area I drove through and visited today was where I was living at the height of my addiction. It was hard to be there. There was a man I spent 5 years of my life with. We were never romantic, but were best friends. He was amazing. I wanted to marry him. I loved him with everything that I was, but try as I might, I could not make the jump to something romantic. I realize now, I didn't know how. I miss him. He was a good man. I wanted to stop by his house and visit, but didn't think his wife would appreciate that. It made me lonely.
Joy: As I drove around today, I truly felt forgiven. I felt ready to let go. I felt the healing begin inside me. I chose the Celestial Experience. And that meant that I was going to go through my own personal hell to learn what I needed to learn to make it back to the Celestial Kingdom. My addiction, my experiences, my pain, my decisions are all part of that experience. I felt that joy of that today.
Passion: Is it possible to feel passion about yourself? Today I felt a passion for self-care. I'm ready to become who it is I want to be. I'm ready to take care of myself to be authentic, to be real, to be myself. Me. Who I've always wanted to be. I'm ready to make that happen and I'm EXCITED about it.
Love: How about I felt loved. Does that work? I felt loved today by Heavenly Father. I know He loves me. I know I am on the right path. I know that everything that has happened is part of my Celestial Experience. I felt the spirit so much today and felt healing and closure to this part of my life. I am loved.
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