Struggling doesn't seem a large enough to explain what is going on inside me tonight.
For the most part, my life is good right now. Really good, actually. But I've had a few hard weeks in therapy. A number of months ago, my therapist had me read a book called The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick Carnes. The premise of the book being that explotive relationships can create trauma bonds -- chains that link a victim to someone dangerous for them. The book explains why they form, who is most susceptible, and how they become so powerful. I read the book in two days, absorbing every word and finally had an explanation for how I felt about what was going on between Steve and I. Naming it and understanding it allowed me put it away, file it in a neat little box tied with a ribbon and bow.
I knew at some point in time I would have to pull the box out, unwrap it and dig through the contents. I just didn't know it would be this difficult.
The work that I've been doing around Steve is gruelling. I don't want to relive the love we had, or go through all the emotions I have surrounding the relationship. But what has been most surprising for me is the immense amount of fear behind it. In many ways, Steve was the first person in my life to completely accept me. At a time when I hated myself, he swept in and restored my faith in me. He knew every detail of my life. Every aspect of my addiction, every religious belief I held dear, the names of my family members, what size clothes I wore, and every inch of my body. I remember the first time he told me he loved me. The amount of security those words held was incredibly powerful to me. I was a better person for loving him and having him in my life. It was really, really good before it turned into something really, really bad.
I'm scared of so many things surrounding this relationship.
I'm scared I'll go back to him. Sometimes, I want more than anything just to hear his voice again. We used to talk in song lyrics. He would send me some line from some song about how he was feeling and I'd look it up and respond with a line from another song. I remember the day he sent this to me, "I'm asking for your help, I am going through hell." Our favorite band, Maroon 5. The next line... "Afriad nothing can save me but the sound of your voice. You cut out all the noise, And now that I can see my stakes so clearly now, I'd kill if I could take you back, but how?" I want to hear him sing again. I want to hear him say my name again. Sometimes I want it more than I can handle.
I'm scared I'll never love like that again. And I won't. For me, it was a naive love. I won't ever love like that again, so freely, so completely, holding nothing back. I'm angry he took that aware from me.
I'm scared I can't love like that again. What if I really can't love again? What if I can't trust anyone again. I'm scared I'll never allow myself to be vulnurable again. I'm scared it will never happen again and I'll live the rest of my life alone. I'm scared no one can accept me. I'm scared I'm only worthy of broken love.
I'm scared.
As long as I hold on to Steve and keep him in this nice little box, tied with ribon and bow, I never have to face that fear. But, I also know that I can't move on until I do. It sucks. And I hate it.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
7.5
Anger: I have some residual anger at Steve that flared today during therapy. For a few moments I had that heated, hurt feeling and could feel that fight response kick in. I'm glad it passed. I really don't like being angry.
Fear: I had to have a hard conversation with my therapist today about something I did. I honestly thought for a few minutes prior to my appointment that I was going to have to find another therapist because he was going to fire me from being his client. It was scary to me. The whole experience made me really appreciate more the guidance and direction that he has helped me find in my life. I owe a large portion of my recovery to him.
Shame: Therapy was hard today. I am having to face down and really dig into the faulty core beliefs I have about myself. It's a layer very deep inside me. I'm struggling a bit with it. We talked about body image today and I shared some of the things I deal with. There were years of my life I never looked in a mirror because I didn't want to engage in the negative self-talk that comes when I do. I would go to the bathroom at work or public places, or even in my own house and never look in the mirror. As long as I didn't look, I could live in a fantasy world about what I looked like. I have a lot of shame around my body. I'm working through it, but talking about it today was difficult.
Guilt: I don't have a lot of guilt today. It was good.
Loneliness: Some. Again, therapy was hard. I hate admitting that I still love Steve. I had admitting that there is still a bond there that I'm working on breaking. I know it's unhealthy. I know it's not right. I know I will never act on it again. But it's still there. I had to write this letter to him as part of my therapy homework and it's been difficult to recall the really good times we had. It makes me miss him.
Pain: No pain today.
Love: I was really anxious about my therapy appointment because I was afraid he was going to fire me. I shared my concern with my dear friend and she was amazingly supportive. I love her.
Passion: I'm aroused. I hate it. I hate that my body does that and I have no control over it. I hate that I see men and am triggered. I hate that during this time of the month, I have crazy thoughts about men in general. It's always been like that, but now the thoughts are triggering and I don't like it.
Joy: I picked up a new piano student today and it was awesome. She is going to be a joy to teach. :)
Fear: I had to have a hard conversation with my therapist today about something I did. I honestly thought for a few minutes prior to my appointment that I was going to have to find another therapist because he was going to fire me from being his client. It was scary to me. The whole experience made me really appreciate more the guidance and direction that he has helped me find in my life. I owe a large portion of my recovery to him.
Shame: Therapy was hard today. I am having to face down and really dig into the faulty core beliefs I have about myself. It's a layer very deep inside me. I'm struggling a bit with it. We talked about body image today and I shared some of the things I deal with. There were years of my life I never looked in a mirror because I didn't want to engage in the negative self-talk that comes when I do. I would go to the bathroom at work or public places, or even in my own house and never look in the mirror. As long as I didn't look, I could live in a fantasy world about what I looked like. I have a lot of shame around my body. I'm working through it, but talking about it today was difficult.
Guilt: I don't have a lot of guilt today. It was good.
Loneliness: Some. Again, therapy was hard. I hate admitting that I still love Steve. I had admitting that there is still a bond there that I'm working on breaking. I know it's unhealthy. I know it's not right. I know I will never act on it again. But it's still there. I had to write this letter to him as part of my therapy homework and it's been difficult to recall the really good times we had. It makes me miss him.
Pain: No pain today.
Love: I was really anxious about my therapy appointment because I was afraid he was going to fire me. I shared my concern with my dear friend and she was amazingly supportive. I love her.
Passion: I'm aroused. I hate it. I hate that my body does that and I have no control over it. I hate that I see men and am triggered. I hate that during this time of the month, I have crazy thoughts about men in general. It's always been like that, but now the thoughts are triggering and I don't like it.
Joy: I picked up a new piano student today and it was awesome. She is going to be a joy to teach. :)
7.4
Anger: No anger today
Fear: No fear today
Shame: No shame today
Guilt: I overbooked myself this week. I wonder sometimes how I ever worked with all of the therapy and recovery work I do. I volunteered to babysit for my friend who is just starting therapy this week, but it overlaps with my nutritional therapy and my physical therapy and so I have to reschedule and it has made things very busy. I need to be a little more aware of my schedule and not over commit.
Pain: My muscles hurt. I've been doing these sprint exercises on my new little Xciser machine and my muscles are in rebellion.
Loneliness: I had to do some therapy homework around Steve...... and I am very lonely tonight. I want my fantasy world back sometimes.
Love: One of my affirmations is "I am surrounded by love." I find myself saying it a lot. Tonight, when I was feeling a little bit lonely, I got an email from a woman in my ward asking me to come to dinner tomorrow night. I am surrounded by love.
Joy: No joy
Passion: No passion
I am ovulating and I hate it. It really is a sexual peak for me and it's hard to keep things in check sometimes. I find myself wanting to flirt and talk sexually even with women in my SA group. I find that I recall sexual experiences almost looking for a hit. It doesn't work anymore because I have such tight rules around those things. But it's frustrating. I hate that married addicts can have sex and I can't. I hate that my body seriously wants something. It's just physically frustrating. I've tried to explain this to my therapist -- but being a man, he really doesn't get it.
Fear: No fear today
Shame: No shame today
Guilt: I overbooked myself this week. I wonder sometimes how I ever worked with all of the therapy and recovery work I do. I volunteered to babysit for my friend who is just starting therapy this week, but it overlaps with my nutritional therapy and my physical therapy and so I have to reschedule and it has made things very busy. I need to be a little more aware of my schedule and not over commit.
Pain: My muscles hurt. I've been doing these sprint exercises on my new little Xciser machine and my muscles are in rebellion.
Loneliness: I had to do some therapy homework around Steve...... and I am very lonely tonight. I want my fantasy world back sometimes.
Love: One of my affirmations is "I am surrounded by love." I find myself saying it a lot. Tonight, when I was feeling a little bit lonely, I got an email from a woman in my ward asking me to come to dinner tomorrow night. I am surrounded by love.
Joy: No joy
Passion: No passion
I am ovulating and I hate it. It really is a sexual peak for me and it's hard to keep things in check sometimes. I find myself wanting to flirt and talk sexually even with women in my SA group. I find that I recall sexual experiences almost looking for a hit. It doesn't work anymore because I have such tight rules around those things. But it's frustrating. I hate that married addicts can have sex and I can't. I hate that my body seriously wants something. It's just physically frustrating. I've tried to explain this to my therapist -- but being a man, he really doesn't get it.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Scripture
As I was listening to a conference talk last night, a scripture was referenced that has really affected me.
It started a few weeks ago with a talk I heard in church. The speaker quoted Neal A. Maxwell as saying something to the effect of "there is more to enduring than pacing back and forth waiting for the end". Then my friend recently came out that he was gay and told of his personal struggles and the heaviness he feels around this trial. My mom expressed recently her desire to go to heaven to be with my dad. I have felt the weariness of not having a partner to share my life with or children to raise. The common theme here is being tired. I have heard so many people say those words lately.... I'm tired of being alone, of being gay, of being different, of feeling different, of living, of being sick, of having cancer, of doing this calling, of fighting addiction, of dealing with my husband, of working, of reading my scriptures, of ______________, you fill in the blank.
Over the last week or so, as I have felt a change in my heart and my very being, I have felt these promises. My strength has been renewed. There are moments when I feel I am emotionally flying. I am stronger than I have ever been in my life, both emotionally and physically. I have more self-control than I have ever had.
There is more to endurance than waiting for the end. When we turn to the Lord and wait upon him, our strength is renewed, we soar to new heights, we walk and run and are not tired or weak. It doesn't happen over night, that is why the word wait is used, but it does happen. And it keeps happening, as long as we keep waiting and seeking His will.
And, for the record, I am by no means a master at this. I struggle with it daily. I don't always want to do everything or have a good attitude about it. But I'm learning, very slowly.
"But they that shall wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
It started a few weeks ago with a talk I heard in church. The speaker quoted Neal A. Maxwell as saying something to the effect of "there is more to enduring than pacing back and forth waiting for the end". Then my friend recently came out that he was gay and told of his personal struggles and the heaviness he feels around this trial. My mom expressed recently her desire to go to heaven to be with my dad. I have felt the weariness of not having a partner to share my life with or children to raise. The common theme here is being tired. I have heard so many people say those words lately.... I'm tired of being alone, of being gay, of being different, of feeling different, of living, of being sick, of having cancer, of doing this calling, of fighting addiction, of dealing with my husband, of working, of reading my scriptures, of ______________, you fill in the blank.
Over the last week or so, as I have felt a change in my heart and my very being, I have felt these promises. My strength has been renewed. There are moments when I feel I am emotionally flying. I am stronger than I have ever been in my life, both emotionally and physically. I have more self-control than I have ever had.
There is more to endurance than waiting for the end. When we turn to the Lord and wait upon him, our strength is renewed, we soar to new heights, we walk and run and are not tired or weak. It doesn't happen over night, that is why the word wait is used, but it does happen. And it keeps happening, as long as we keep waiting and seeking His will.
And, for the record, I am by no means a master at this. I struggle with it daily. I don't always want to do everything or have a good attitude about it. But I'm learning, very slowly.
7.3
I only plan on doing these feelings posts for about another 12 days. The assignment was to do it for 8 weeks. The promise was to have better control over our emotions, to master them, he promised. Also that if we did this every day for 8 weeks we would be different. It hasn't quite been 8 weeks, but I feel different. I don't feel controlled by my emotions anymore. I have them, I process them, I honor them, I enjoy them and then I let them go. It is quite amazing.
Fear: I talked with my program advisor today for my MBA program. I haven't been really good at keeping in contact with her or keeping her up to date on what I'm doing. When I answered the phone there was some fear that I would be reprimanded, like a child. She was great though, and really liked the work I had done and sent to her.
Anger: No anger today in any situation.
Shame: No shame today either.
Guilt: Some. I haven't really been keeping up with the word I have from PCBS to do. I got back on it today and realized just how much there is to do. I need to be more focused on that and get it done in a more timely manner. I have it scheduled for this week and will get a large number of hours done.
Pain: No pain today.
Loneliness: Just the usual amount. I went to a movie with my friend tonight, last minute thing, he was feeling lonely and wanted some company. I enjoy his company, it was a good break.
Love: I talked with my brother today -- I love him so much. He is just an amazing person and way more normal and healthy than I give him credit for.
Joy: I did really good with food today. I felt really good about what I ate. It was easy and came naturally to eat better food options. I was joyful about the progress I'm making in my food addiction.
Passion: I really have a passion for learning and for education. I worked a lot on my current eCommerce project for my MBA program. I enjoyed reading and learning and being creative. It was good.
Overall -- I had a really great day. Exercised, ate well, slept well last night, got a lot of work done, feel really good about where I am at today. Good times!
Fear: I talked with my program advisor today for my MBA program. I haven't been really good at keeping in contact with her or keeping her up to date on what I'm doing. When I answered the phone there was some fear that I would be reprimanded, like a child. She was great though, and really liked the work I had done and sent to her.
Anger: No anger today in any situation.
Shame: No shame today either.
Guilt: Some. I haven't really been keeping up with the word I have from PCBS to do. I got back on it today and realized just how much there is to do. I need to be more focused on that and get it done in a more timely manner. I have it scheduled for this week and will get a large number of hours done.
Pain: No pain today.
Loneliness: Just the usual amount. I went to a movie with my friend tonight, last minute thing, he was feeling lonely and wanted some company. I enjoy his company, it was a good break.
Love: I talked with my brother today -- I love him so much. He is just an amazing person and way more normal and healthy than I give him credit for.
Joy: I did really good with food today. I felt really good about what I ate. It was easy and came naturally to eat better food options. I was joyful about the progress I'm making in my food addiction.
Passion: I really have a passion for learning and for education. I worked a lot on my current eCommerce project for my MBA program. I enjoyed reading and learning and being creative. It was good.
Overall -- I had a really great day. Exercised, ate well, slept well last night, got a lot of work done, feel really good about where I am at today. Good times!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
7.2
Anger: I had a co-dependent moment with my with sister last night that made me angry. And another one today that also made me angry. I handled them well in the moment, and need to let the anger go and not be co-dependent myself by letting the aftermath control how I feel.
Fear: My little sister called me today and asked to borrow money. I have money for her to borrow. That means I not have money lent out to my brother, my mom and now my sister. It's not hurting me to have the money lent out. But it makes me a little fearful. I need a job.
Shame: No shame today.
Guilt: No guilt today.
Pain: I have the "cold fog" going on, where my head is full of congestion and my eyes don't want to focus. I just feel cloudy.
Loneliness: No more than normal.
Love: Adam was misbehaving in primary today. I'm the only adult he'll listen to. He was sitting in my lap and I was showing him some pictures. We looked at the picture of earth and he said, "I came to earth with Power to choose". They are the words of a primary song I taught a number of months ago. We turn the picture and he finishes "Good choices help me and my family, too". I LOVE it when I have these moments with the kids where I know they have internalized the words. I also love Adam because when he sees me he says -- "It's my sistah smiff! Hi my sistah smiff!!" When other kids talk to me and he's in a bad mood he'll say "No, she's my sistah smiff!" Oh -- I love you, Adam.
Joy: No real joy today.
Passion: Nope.
Fear: My little sister called me today and asked to borrow money. I have money for her to borrow. That means I not have money lent out to my brother, my mom and now my sister. It's not hurting me to have the money lent out. But it makes me a little fearful. I need a job.
Shame: No shame today.
Guilt: No guilt today.
Pain: I have the "cold fog" going on, where my head is full of congestion and my eyes don't want to focus. I just feel cloudy.
Loneliness: No more than normal.
Love: Adam was misbehaving in primary today. I'm the only adult he'll listen to. He was sitting in my lap and I was showing him some pictures. We looked at the picture of earth and he said, "I came to earth with Power to choose". They are the words of a primary song I taught a number of months ago. We turn the picture and he finishes "Good choices help me and my family, too". I LOVE it when I have these moments with the kids where I know they have internalized the words. I also love Adam because when he sees me he says -- "It's my sistah smiff! Hi my sistah smiff!!" When other kids talk to me and he's in a bad mood he'll say "No, she's my sistah smiff!" Oh -- I love you, Adam.
Joy: No real joy today.
Passion: Nope.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
7.1
Wow -- it's been a crazy week. My friends are out of town and I watched lived with and watched their 3 children for a few days. I have a whole new appreciation for automatic closing doors on mini-vans, juice boxes, and just motherhood in general. I have also been fighting a cold for the past two weeks. Not sleeping in my own bed, didn't help that. In addition to watching kids all week, I had to teach a Primary Music training class on Thursday night, host a baby shower this morning, and deal with the fact that my car was dead and wouldn't start. Oh the joys of life. I do have to say I am quite proud of myself for many reasons.
Anger: No real anger. My sister made me mad tonight with a few comments, but even those were more frustration than anger. She is so co-dependent.
Fear: I learned this week that one of my really close friends is gay. This doesn't pose a problem for me in the way that I love or treat him. We had a very interesting conversation about the policies of the church in regards to homosexuality. He obviously knows a lot more than I do on the subject. As he told me some of his experiences with various church leaders over the years, I was shocked at some of their interactions. He is struggling right now with various issues and topics. I am a little fearful for him. I think he's approaching leaving the church. I don't know what the right answer is for him or his situation. It makes me a little fearful to not know the answer to anything. I can see why he would leave and why he wouldn't. It's just an uncertain situation and it's bothering me.
Pain: No real pain -- hip is doing well, though I haven't done exercise for a few days.
Shame: No real shame for any reason.
Guilt: I'm bailing on a party tonight. I was so excited to go and bought a costume and everything, but I just feel really crummy and want to lay in bed and sleep. I feel bad about not going.
Loneliness: I have had a lot of loneliness off and on the past few days. I LOVED having kids around all the time. People to talk to about their day and their life and how they view the world. It was awesome. When I dropped them off with their aunt last night, I missed them. Also - learning about my friend and his struggle with loneliness, made me feel really lonely as well. I can really relate to that desire to have someone to share your life with. Not being around my sister for a few days and interacting with normal people really made me lonely. I need more normal, functioning people in my life. There were four really cute new babies at the baby shower this morning. I want a baby. I want a family. My mom once said I wasn't a baby person because she never sees me hold babies. Truth is, I can't stop the tears when I hold a baby, so I don't pick them up. I know holding them will put me over the top emotionally. I just watch them. I can keep my emotions in check if I just watch and don't hold.
Love: In contrast to the loneliness, I do feel loved. I have felt more loved this past week than I have in a long time. There were so very many tender mercies from Heavenly Father this last week. So many times, I knew He was watching me, helping me, guiding me. I know He loves me. There have been so many connections in my head this past week, so many great things I've learned, just so much. I am incredibly grateful to Heavenly Father for all that He does for me, and for the incredible amount of love I feel from Him.
Joy: Life is good. do I struggle? yes. Will I always struggle? Yes. But life is just good right now.
Passion: Nope -- bored sexually, bored in dating, bored with passion.
And there it is..... cold medicine, here I come!
- I got through all of it without even thinking about acting out. Seriously never crossed my mind.
- I've been feeling much stronger and healthier lately. I was able to run around and play with these 3 kids ages 8, 6 and 3 without feeling tired, without having my back or body ache and with energy to spare.
- Though my blogging wasn't up-to-date, I kept up with the rest of my recovery activities through the week.
Anger: No real anger. My sister made me mad tonight with a few comments, but even those were more frustration than anger. She is so co-dependent.
Fear: I learned this week that one of my really close friends is gay. This doesn't pose a problem for me in the way that I love or treat him. We had a very interesting conversation about the policies of the church in regards to homosexuality. He obviously knows a lot more than I do on the subject. As he told me some of his experiences with various church leaders over the years, I was shocked at some of their interactions. He is struggling right now with various issues and topics. I am a little fearful for him. I think he's approaching leaving the church. I don't know what the right answer is for him or his situation. It makes me a little fearful to not know the answer to anything. I can see why he would leave and why he wouldn't. It's just an uncertain situation and it's bothering me.
Pain: No real pain -- hip is doing well, though I haven't done exercise for a few days.
Shame: No real shame for any reason.
Guilt: I'm bailing on a party tonight. I was so excited to go and bought a costume and everything, but I just feel really crummy and want to lay in bed and sleep. I feel bad about not going.
Loneliness: I have had a lot of loneliness off and on the past few days. I LOVED having kids around all the time. People to talk to about their day and their life and how they view the world. It was awesome. When I dropped them off with their aunt last night, I missed them. Also - learning about my friend and his struggle with loneliness, made me feel really lonely as well. I can really relate to that desire to have someone to share your life with. Not being around my sister for a few days and interacting with normal people really made me lonely. I need more normal, functioning people in my life. There were four really cute new babies at the baby shower this morning. I want a baby. I want a family. My mom once said I wasn't a baby person because she never sees me hold babies. Truth is, I can't stop the tears when I hold a baby, so I don't pick them up. I know holding them will put me over the top emotionally. I just watch them. I can keep my emotions in check if I just watch and don't hold.
Love: In contrast to the loneliness, I do feel loved. I have felt more loved this past week than I have in a long time. There were so very many tender mercies from Heavenly Father this last week. So many times, I knew He was watching me, helping me, guiding me. I know He loves me. There have been so many connections in my head this past week, so many great things I've learned, just so much. I am incredibly grateful to Heavenly Father for all that He does for me, and for the incredible amount of love I feel from Him.
Joy: Life is good. do I struggle? yes. Will I always struggle? Yes. But life is just good right now.
Passion: Nope -- bored sexually, bored in dating, bored with passion.
And there it is..... cold medicine, here I come!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
6.5
Anger: No -- I am loving not having so much anger in my life. It is a new event for me and I'm really liking it.
Fear: I was a little fearful going back to group after sharing my story last week. Sometimes, I feel so different from the other women in group. And other times, I feel so similar to them. In some ways, I'm extremely grateful I did not marry young and carry all these emotional issues into a relationship. But in others, I'm so incredibly jealous that they have a partner to work through these issues with. I don't know, just a bit of uncertainty and fear.
Loneliness: Nothing major. A little bit while I was at group tonight. I realized I've kind of unplugged this week from group. I made no calls and only one or two texts. I need to plug back in a little bit. But on the other hand.... I've really enjoyed my time this week with myself. I've done a lot of work on recovery and other things and have really enjoyed it.
Pain: Went walking............
Shame: Not a lot of shame today, if any. I think there was a moment or two because I feel uncomfortable saying no shame today. Oh well.
Guilt: Nope -- no guilt today.
Joy: I'm on day 4 of being in a really good place. I'm joyful about it.
Love: I shared some new insights I've had recently with my nutritional therapist in an email yesterday. She wrote back today and I felt incredibly loved by her comments and thoughts.
Passion: Nothing new -- this passion for self-care and clean spaces is continuing, which I am totally grateful for. Been to the gym twice this week and loved it.
That's it.
Fear: I was a little fearful going back to group after sharing my story last week. Sometimes, I feel so different from the other women in group. And other times, I feel so similar to them. In some ways, I'm extremely grateful I did not marry young and carry all these emotional issues into a relationship. But in others, I'm so incredibly jealous that they have a partner to work through these issues with. I don't know, just a bit of uncertainty and fear.
Loneliness: Nothing major. A little bit while I was at group tonight. I realized I've kind of unplugged this week from group. I made no calls and only one or two texts. I need to plug back in a little bit. But on the other hand.... I've really enjoyed my time this week with myself. I've done a lot of work on recovery and other things and have really enjoyed it.
Pain: Went walking............
Shame: Not a lot of shame today, if any. I think there was a moment or two because I feel uncomfortable saying no shame today. Oh well.
Guilt: Nope -- no guilt today.
Joy: I'm on day 4 of being in a really good place. I'm joyful about it.
Love: I shared some new insights I've had recently with my nutritional therapist in an email yesterday. She wrote back today and I felt incredibly loved by her comments and thoughts.
Passion: Nothing new -- this passion for self-care and clean spaces is continuing, which I am totally grateful for. Been to the gym twice this week and loved it.
That's it.
Different
I picked up one of my best friends from the airport last night. He was on a business trip last week when his brother-in-law's mother took ill and was told she only had about a week to live. Since he was already in the area, he took an extra weekend and spent it with his brother-in-law cleaning out the apartment of this 89 year old woman. Want an example of a man dedicated to his family? He is it.
As we drove home he caught me up on everything going on in his life. He's struggling. He doesn't feel happy and he doesn't really know what to do about it. Should he move? should he switch jobs? He has disengaged socially and really has no desire to re-engage. Is that the problem? He went over and over some of these issues as I listened and commented.
Then he turned to me and said, "You're different. You're in a really good place right now, I can tell." Oh, how I loved hearing those words. I feel different and I am in a good place. So many things have fallen into place recently and so many realizations have clicked inside me. It was nice to have that recognized by someone other than my therapist. Nearly every week he is telling me how different I am, and how much progress I've made. Not to discredit him, but I pay him. I do totally believe he would call me out if I wasn't making progress -- he has before. It was just so nice to hear it from someone who really doesn't know the battle with addiction I've had inside me.
I'm grateful for him in my life. I hope he can find some peace and happiness.
As we drove home he caught me up on everything going on in his life. He's struggling. He doesn't feel happy and he doesn't really know what to do about it. Should he move? should he switch jobs? He has disengaged socially and really has no desire to re-engage. Is that the problem? He went over and over some of these issues as I listened and commented.
Then he turned to me and said, "You're different. You're in a really good place right now, I can tell." Oh, how I loved hearing those words. I feel different and I am in a good place. So many things have fallen into place recently and so many realizations have clicked inside me. It was nice to have that recognized by someone other than my therapist. Nearly every week he is telling me how different I am, and how much progress I've made. Not to discredit him, but I pay him. I do totally believe he would call me out if I wasn't making progress -- he has before. It was just so nice to hear it from someone who really doesn't know the battle with addiction I've had inside me.
I'm grateful for him in my life. I hope he can find some peace and happiness.
Monday, October 22, 2012
6.4
Anger: Ummmm..... no. No anger today.
Fear: When the power wasn't on when I woke up this morning, I had this moment of panic and fear that I didn't pay the bill. I'm in charge of utility bills. There was a time in my life where I wasn't good at paying bills and never paid things on time. I've had the power shut off before because I missed the bill. BUT - it only lasted about 10 seconds. I haven't been late on a bill for over two years. I knew it wasn't me.
Shame: No -- no real shame today.
Guilt: Nope - no guilt either.
Pain: A little left over in my hip. nothing 2 Aleve won't fix.
Loneliness: No - I didn't feel lonely today.
Love: I went Visiting Teaching today. I LOVE this woman I visit. She is amazing.
Joy: MY OFFICE IS CLEAN!!!!!! I haven't been able to say that for the 4 months I've lived here. But now -- I can!
Passion: This passion for life is still going strong today. I had another amazingly productive and happy day. I better be careful or this could be a new trend! ;)
Fear: When the power wasn't on when I woke up this morning, I had this moment of panic and fear that I didn't pay the bill. I'm in charge of utility bills. There was a time in my life where I wasn't good at paying bills and never paid things on time. I've had the power shut off before because I missed the bill. BUT - it only lasted about 10 seconds. I haven't been late on a bill for over two years. I knew it wasn't me.
Shame: No -- no real shame today.
Guilt: Nope - no guilt either.
Pain: A little left over in my hip. nothing 2 Aleve won't fix.
Loneliness: No - I didn't feel lonely today.
Love: I went Visiting Teaching today. I LOVE this woman I visit. She is amazing.
Joy: MY OFFICE IS CLEAN!!!!!! I haven't been able to say that for the 4 months I've lived here. But now -- I can!
Passion: This passion for life is still going strong today. I had another amazingly productive and happy day. I better be careful or this could be a new trend! ;)
Mom
I have had no electricity at my house from about 6:30am - 2:30pm. I was tempted to just lay in bed, it is cold, and read. But inspired by the last few days and my true desire to be different, I didn't. Thankfully, we have a gas water heater and gas stove. I was able to take a hot shower and cook some breakfast. I went visiting teaching for an hour and spent the rest of the morning and afternoon cleaning my office. It is one of the many things I keep saying I'm going to do, but don't. I keep saying, I want to be organized and have really clean space, but I don't do it.
I should have taken and posted before and after pictures. Seriously, the change was that dramatic. One of the best parts was finding and reviewing one of my early recovery journals. At some point in time, I need to burn those. But not yet.
While I was working on forgiving my dad, I started a list of all the contributions he had made to my life. Though it filled a whole page, based on the different ink colors and textures, it didn't come all at once. I must have started and come back to it over and over again. Funny thing is, until I saw it, I didn't remember making the list. When I talk about forgiving my dad, I talk about it as a big miracle that happened one day in my life. Not so. According to my journal, I prayed and prayed about how best to forgive him. I had several listed options, several ideas of how to do it, several things I thought would help. One of them was the list. It really did help. Looking at the positive contributions my dad made to my life were amazing.
Yesterday, during stake conference, one of the speakers said "I was born to a mother who loved the Lord." The spirit whispered to me "and so were you". I have been praying about how to forgive my mom and how to accept the relationship we have. I want to keep myself healthy and still be able to love her. And this is where I can start my list.
I was born to a mother who loved the Lord.
"The Hiding Place" is a book by Corrie ten Boom, a dutch woman who rescues and hides Jews during WWII. She is eventually caught and spends over a year in Nazi prisons. Upon her release, she tours Holland, Germany and other European countries speaking about forgiveness and sharing her testimony of the Savior. The book is an autobiography and is absolutely inspiring.
During one of the last chapters she talks about speaking in Germany. Afterwards, she is approached by one of the guards at the prison she was held captive in. He thanks her for her message and how grateful he is for the Savior. He raises his hand to shake hers. She writes:
With my dad, I was willing to receive the gift. I desperately wanted to feel at peace with him before he passed. But in re-reading my journal today, I realized I did a lot of work to get there. My mom has been a different situation. I have clung to some of the wrongs done to me. I have been full of resentment and anger towards her. I have been unwilling to "shake hands" like Corrie tells in her experience. My experience this weekend reminded me that my mom is truly amazing and has made some really amazing positive contributions to my life. Probably the biggest one being that she loves the Lord. And out of her testimony and faith, mine was born.
Let the list and work begin.
I should have taken and posted before and after pictures. Seriously, the change was that dramatic. One of the best parts was finding and reviewing one of my early recovery journals. At some point in time, I need to burn those. But not yet.
While I was working on forgiving my dad, I started a list of all the contributions he had made to my life. Though it filled a whole page, based on the different ink colors and textures, it didn't come all at once. I must have started and come back to it over and over again. Funny thing is, until I saw it, I didn't remember making the list. When I talk about forgiving my dad, I talk about it as a big miracle that happened one day in my life. Not so. According to my journal, I prayed and prayed about how best to forgive him. I had several listed options, several ideas of how to do it, several things I thought would help. One of them was the list. It really did help. Looking at the positive contributions my dad made to my life were amazing.
Yesterday, during stake conference, one of the speakers said "I was born to a mother who loved the Lord." The spirit whispered to me "and so were you". I have been praying about how to forgive my mom and how to accept the relationship we have. I want to keep myself healthy and still be able to love her. And this is where I can start my list.
I was born to a mother who loved the Lord.
"The Hiding Place" is a book by Corrie ten Boom, a dutch woman who rescues and hides Jews during WWII. She is eventually caught and spends over a year in Nazi prisons. Upon her release, she tours Holland, Germany and other European countries speaking about forgiveness and sharing her testimony of the Savior. The book is an autobiography and is absolutely inspiring.
During one of the last chapters she talks about speaking in Germany. Afterwards, she is approached by one of the guards at the prison she was held captive in. He thanks her for her message and how grateful he is for the Savior. He raises his hand to shake hers. She writes:
I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give Your forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand, a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this man that almost overwhelmed me.I think that extends to forgiveness as well. The commandment is that we are required to forgive all men. And when he commands that, he gives us the forgiveness as well, as a gift, if we are willing to receive it.
And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He commands us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.
With my dad, I was willing to receive the gift. I desperately wanted to feel at peace with him before he passed. But in re-reading my journal today, I realized I did a lot of work to get there. My mom has been a different situation. I have clung to some of the wrongs done to me. I have been full of resentment and anger towards her. I have been unwilling to "shake hands" like Corrie tells in her experience. My experience this weekend reminded me that my mom is truly amazing and has made some really amazing positive contributions to my life. Probably the biggest one being that she loves the Lord. And out of her testimony and faith, mine was born.
Let the list and work begin.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
6.2/6.3
I've had three glorious days. Friday night was book club and we had an amazing discussion about "The Hiding Place". I enjoyed being with my friends and enjoyed the inspiring conversation. Saturday, I went to my morning meeting and felt uplifted and inspired there. I cleaned the church, worked in the yard, took a nap, cleaned the house and then went to Stake Conference last night where the spirit was amazingly strong. Today, inspired again by an amazing session of stake conference, I had an amazing productive afternoon. It was just a great day!
Anger: None -- no anger.
Fear: None -- no fear.
Shame: None -- no shame.
Guilt: None -- no guilt.
Loneliness: A little, but nothing worth noting.
Pain: My hip does hurt tonight. It hurt last night as well. I need to not sleep on that side tonight.
Joy: I had two truly spirit filled days. I felt a fundamental change happen inside me. Elder Bussey, our area president spoke last night at stake conference. I've heard him speak many times and have always been inspired by his words. Last night was no different. I can't explain the healing, change and joy I felt yesterday.
Love: I felt an incredible amount of love today from so many sources. I'm grateful for that.
Passion: I have been so inspired the last few days. So full of the spirit. I have a new passion for life, for the gospel, for spirituality. I'm ready to things to be different.
Anger: None -- no anger.
Fear: None -- no fear.
Shame: None -- no shame.
Guilt: None -- no guilt.
Loneliness: A little, but nothing worth noting.
Pain: My hip does hurt tonight. It hurt last night as well. I need to not sleep on that side tonight.
Joy: I had two truly spirit filled days. I felt a fundamental change happen inside me. Elder Bussey, our area president spoke last night at stake conference. I've heard him speak many times and have always been inspired by his words. Last night was no different. I can't explain the healing, change and joy I felt yesterday.
Love: I felt an incredible amount of love today from so many sources. I'm grateful for that.
Passion: I have been so inspired the last few days. So full of the spirit. I have a new passion for life, for the gospel, for spirituality. I'm ready to things to be different.
Friday, October 19, 2012
6.1
So I went all week last week with a feelings post every day. 3 weeks left.
Fear: I had book club at my house tonight. And even though I knew multiple people were coming, there is still this fear that no one will show up. Or that they will show up and not have a good time. Like it's all my fault if they don't have a good time... co-dependency moment. Though, I will say I was proud of myself for not fretting about it all day. It was probably only an hour of the day that I worried about it. Everyone came and it was a good time.
Anger: I'm mad at my mom. I'm hoping the anger stage will pass soon.
Pain: I walked today, I'm tired of not walking. I only did 15 minutes before the hip starting hurting, so I switched to the bike.
Shame: A little bit -- but I'm not exactly sure what about.
Guilt: Not really.
Loneliness: A little bit -- as I processed some of what went on for me as a child and the abandonment and fear of rejection going on in my life, I was lonely. Though I wasn't triggered, I got out my fire kit and read all the letters and comforting things in there to remind me of the people in my life who are real who love me. It really helped.
Love: I prayed a lot today and really felt loved by my Heavenly Father.
Joy: Not really.
Passion: Nope.
Fear: I had book club at my house tonight. And even though I knew multiple people were coming, there is still this fear that no one will show up. Or that they will show up and not have a good time. Like it's all my fault if they don't have a good time... co-dependency moment. Though, I will say I was proud of myself for not fretting about it all day. It was probably only an hour of the day that I worried about it. Everyone came and it was a good time.
Anger: I'm mad at my mom. I'm hoping the anger stage will pass soon.
Pain: I walked today, I'm tired of not walking. I only did 15 minutes before the hip starting hurting, so I switched to the bike.
Shame: A little bit -- but I'm not exactly sure what about.
Guilt: Not really.
Loneliness: A little bit -- as I processed some of what went on for me as a child and the abandonment and fear of rejection going on in my life, I was lonely. Though I wasn't triggered, I got out my fire kit and read all the letters and comforting things in there to remind me of the people in my life who are real who love me. It really helped.
Love: I prayed a lot today and really felt loved by my Heavenly Father.
Joy: Not really.
Passion: Nope.
More
As I've thought about this idea of rejection all day and the damage it has done to my life several waves of thoughts have circled about me.
When I was teaching school, I was famous for sitting struggling students down and saying something like: "Yes, your parents are screwed up, you came from a difficult situation. All valid points, all valid issues. However, you have a choice. You can choose to repeat the pattern, drop out of school, work a minimum wage job your entire life, dress like a hooker and have three kids from three different men, OR you can stay in school, work hard, go to college on the government's dime because your mom makes no money and change your life. You have that choice." Some of my students would bring their friends to me so I could give them the "Choice Talk". I was good at it. I can site several examples of students who turned their lives around because of conversations we had. Why could I never do that for myself? As many times as I tried, I could never turn my life around. As I'm writing this the answer comes into my mind: Because I was never thought my parents were screwed up.
If anything, my parents are shining examples within their own families. Seriously. They produced 6 intelligent, spiritual children. All their boys went on missions and one girl (me). All 6 are endowed and active at church. All three boys and one girl were married in the temple. All 6 are college graduates, the first generation of college graduates on either side of the family. I have vivid memories or family prayer and family home screaming... I mean evening. (Screaming was my dad's favorite term for it.) We went on family vacations and have some awesome family traditions.
Comparatively, my parents were ideal. My mom's three sisters, and nearly all my cousins on that side of the family have serious issues. In two families, the kids were all sexually abused by their father's. One aunt has married and divorced the same man 3 times. There are four convicted sex offenders, and three convicted drug dealers. There are new stories of group sex, money stolen, physical assault and abandoned children nearly every week. My dad's family is a little bit less dramatic, but still very dysfunctional. His parents gave him a business when they decided to move out of state, only to have the IRS take everything from him a few months later. My grandpa had never paid payroll taxes on the business for 7 years. My grandmother bitterly hated my mom and they were in constant fights. My grandfather was accused of sexually molesting his nieces, but no charges were ever made. I have an uncle with a serious pornography issue and he's very public about it. And an aunt with children from three men. Some of my cousins pulled it out and seem to be doing well. Some, not so much. There are bitter family feuds on this side that run very deep. My grandmother was VERY controlling and there are still some serious issues there.
When you take my family and put it up against that -- my parents look like saints. I have always harbored a little bit of resentment towards my dad (thank you mom). For most of my life, I thought my mom was a saint and so did/does everyone else. When I struggled with her for whatever reason, I figured it was my fault. Everyone loved my mom. Seriously, everyone. She was the ideal Primary President, Young Women's President, Relief Society President and Seminary Teacher. She was a rescuer of many youth and women in her wards. She would sacrifice everything if it meant saving someone. I followed her example. I am my mother's daughter.... with every muscle and bone in me.
I remember when I said that to my therapist: I am my mother's daughter. He laughed a little bit at me and said, that is interesting. But it is true. Though I would resent my mother from time to time for all the pressure she put on me, I loved her and could never stay upset for very long. I didn't really start to see my mother for who she is until I started seriously looking at my own issues.
Forgiving my dad was easy when I started to realize how screwed up my mom was. They are two people who had no good examples in their lives and tried with everything they had to do the right thing. For the most part they succeeded. But when the children left, they realized they didn't have a relationship. Everything had revolved around the kids. Things went downhill fast. Very fast. When my mom tried to drag me into it, I went willingly. I loved my mom, how dare anyone mistreat her. When things didn't start adding up, my reality was shaken. When I realized my dad was just reacting to my mom's craziness, my whole world was changed.
Now, I'm struggling with my mom. I want so much to love her. I want so much for things to be good between us, but they're not. They are very strained. I've had to pull back in order to regain my own identity and to be a little more emotionally stable. She HATES it and feels at fault. Well, she is at fault, kind of.
My mom left me. Over and over and over again she left me. I did everything I knew how to do and then some, yet it was never enough. Not only that, my mom was very critical of me and never let me express emotions. I was never allowed to be sad or anxious. I was never allowed to be happy or playful. I remember her saying things like "you would sound pretty when you sang if you.....", "you aren't playing the piano correctly...", "you should have done...", "people would like you if....", "that is what you get when you say something stupid." Yet, at the same time she would tell me I was the best child, her favorite even. I don't know.... the world was confusing as a child. Even as a teenager and even more so as an adult. Worst of all, she turned me into the parent. She used me to get her needs met and never let me be a child.
I desperately want to forgive and love my mom, but I just don't know how.
When I was teaching school, I was famous for sitting struggling students down and saying something like: "Yes, your parents are screwed up, you came from a difficult situation. All valid points, all valid issues. However, you have a choice. You can choose to repeat the pattern, drop out of school, work a minimum wage job your entire life, dress like a hooker and have three kids from three different men, OR you can stay in school, work hard, go to college on the government's dime because your mom makes no money and change your life. You have that choice." Some of my students would bring their friends to me so I could give them the "Choice Talk". I was good at it. I can site several examples of students who turned their lives around because of conversations we had. Why could I never do that for myself? As many times as I tried, I could never turn my life around. As I'm writing this the answer comes into my mind: Because I was never thought my parents were screwed up.
If anything, my parents are shining examples within their own families. Seriously. They produced 6 intelligent, spiritual children. All their boys went on missions and one girl (me). All 6 are endowed and active at church. All three boys and one girl were married in the temple. All 6 are college graduates, the first generation of college graduates on either side of the family. I have vivid memories or family prayer and family home screaming... I mean evening. (Screaming was my dad's favorite term for it.) We went on family vacations and have some awesome family traditions.
Comparatively, my parents were ideal. My mom's three sisters, and nearly all my cousins on that side of the family have serious issues. In two families, the kids were all sexually abused by their father's. One aunt has married and divorced the same man 3 times. There are four convicted sex offenders, and three convicted drug dealers. There are new stories of group sex, money stolen, physical assault and abandoned children nearly every week. My dad's family is a little bit less dramatic, but still very dysfunctional. His parents gave him a business when they decided to move out of state, only to have the IRS take everything from him a few months later. My grandpa had never paid payroll taxes on the business for 7 years. My grandmother bitterly hated my mom and they were in constant fights. My grandfather was accused of sexually molesting his nieces, but no charges were ever made. I have an uncle with a serious pornography issue and he's very public about it. And an aunt with children from three men. Some of my cousins pulled it out and seem to be doing well. Some, not so much. There are bitter family feuds on this side that run very deep. My grandmother was VERY controlling and there are still some serious issues there.
When you take my family and put it up against that -- my parents look like saints. I have always harbored a little bit of resentment towards my dad (thank you mom). For most of my life, I thought my mom was a saint and so did/does everyone else. When I struggled with her for whatever reason, I figured it was my fault. Everyone loved my mom. Seriously, everyone. She was the ideal Primary President, Young Women's President, Relief Society President and Seminary Teacher. She was a rescuer of many youth and women in her wards. She would sacrifice everything if it meant saving someone. I followed her example. I am my mother's daughter.... with every muscle and bone in me.
I remember when I said that to my therapist: I am my mother's daughter. He laughed a little bit at me and said, that is interesting. But it is true. Though I would resent my mother from time to time for all the pressure she put on me, I loved her and could never stay upset for very long. I didn't really start to see my mother for who she is until I started seriously looking at my own issues.
Forgiving my dad was easy when I started to realize how screwed up my mom was. They are two people who had no good examples in their lives and tried with everything they had to do the right thing. For the most part they succeeded. But when the children left, they realized they didn't have a relationship. Everything had revolved around the kids. Things went downhill fast. Very fast. When my mom tried to drag me into it, I went willingly. I loved my mom, how dare anyone mistreat her. When things didn't start adding up, my reality was shaken. When I realized my dad was just reacting to my mom's craziness, my whole world was changed.
Now, I'm struggling with my mom. I want so much to love her. I want so much for things to be good between us, but they're not. They are very strained. I've had to pull back in order to regain my own identity and to be a little more emotionally stable. She HATES it and feels at fault. Well, she is at fault, kind of.
My mom left me. Over and over and over again she left me. I did everything I knew how to do and then some, yet it was never enough. Not only that, my mom was very critical of me and never let me express emotions. I was never allowed to be sad or anxious. I was never allowed to be happy or playful. I remember her saying things like "you would sound pretty when you sang if you.....", "you aren't playing the piano correctly...", "you should have done...", "people would like you if....", "that is what you get when you say something stupid." Yet, at the same time she would tell me I was the best child, her favorite even. I don't know.... the world was confusing as a child. Even as a teenager and even more so as an adult. Worst of all, she turned me into the parent. She used me to get her needs met and never let me be a child.
I desperately want to forgive and love my mom, but I just don't know how.
Rejection
I've been doing a lot of work in therapy creating my addiction interaction map. According to Patrick Carnes, in the workbook "Recovery Zone: Volume 1" (click here to check it out on Amazon), all addicts have addictive tendencies and problems in other areas of their lives. That is definitely true for me in my life. Some of the things I struggle with: sex, work, food, personal ads, perfectionism, seeking/staying with troubled people, pathological rescuing and becoming a hero, co-dependency, traumatic bonding, fear of rejection, self-righteous judging, critical nature, caffeine. Some of these could be considered additions in their own right. I definitely have an eating disorder, an addiction to food. I also have a serious problem with perfectionism.
After weeks of examining each area, giving examples and analyzing the impact they have had in my life, I had to create an addiction timeline, showing when and how each area presented in my life and the cycles they took. It was hard, grueling work.
As I presented my timeline and addiction interaction map to my therapist this week, something clicked inside me. All of the sudden everything made sense to me. With tears, streaming down my face, I couldn't talk for a number of minutes as things all fell into place. Let me see if I can explain.
I was a good kid. I was happy, talented, and kind. I never remember learning to play the piano, I could just do it. No one ever taught me to draw, yet at 10 years old, I was accepted to art school after I submitted my first drawing. I swam on a swim team and won 1st place ribbons at every meet. I loved school and learned quickly. Yet, my life was full of rejection.
My older sister constantly told me over and over again how much better her life was before me. She told me how much people hated me and only pretended to be my friend. My mom would cry for days and then leave us with dad for a few days nearly every month. Dad would tell us we needed to be better children and mom would quit leaving. Yet, no matter how much I tried, mom still left. I was on and off steroids the first five years of life because of some serious breathing issues I had. There are physical consequences I still deal with daily, but as a child I had a very round, puffy, steroid face. Kids made fun of me for that. I was also very tall, taller than my fourth grade teacher actually. Another reason children choose to make fun of me.
I couldn't reconcile all of this in my head. I liked who I was, I loved music and singing, loved to draw, loved to do mathematics and read. I loved my family and tried to do everything I could for them. I loved Heavenly Father and tried to be very good. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, no one seemed to want me. Not my sister, not my mom, not my dad, no one at school, no one. I felt rejected everywhere I went and in everything I did. I ran away once as a little girl. I went to the park and cried, not knowing what I was going to do. Finally, hours later after dark, I went home. I came in the house, sure they would be happy to see me. I had left a note that I was leaving. Yet, no one said anything to me. I went to my room and cried myself to sleep.
Finally, I came to the conclusion that there was something seriously wrong with me. It never occurred to that struggling, sweet, little girl that it was her family that had some serious issues. All she knew was that no matter how much she tried, everyone kept rejecting her.
From that day, everything I have done is based on that fear of being rejected.
How sad is that? It breaks my heart to think of that little girl crying herself to sleep out of loneliness. I wish I could go back and hold her. I would tell her how funny she is, how talented, how kind and how loving she is. I would hold her while she cried and tell her how amazing she is. I would tell her how strong she is, how smart, how beautiful, and how loved she is. I would tell her life will not be easy, and there will be many struggles and sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part of your experiences. I would tell her to never give up and that someday, through the atonement, all things will be made right. I would sing softly to her as she fell asleep, "I feel my Savior's love, in all the world around me.... "
After weeks of examining each area, giving examples and analyzing the impact they have had in my life, I had to create an addiction timeline, showing when and how each area presented in my life and the cycles they took. It was hard, grueling work.
As I presented my timeline and addiction interaction map to my therapist this week, something clicked inside me. All of the sudden everything made sense to me. With tears, streaming down my face, I couldn't talk for a number of minutes as things all fell into place. Let me see if I can explain.
I was a good kid. I was happy, talented, and kind. I never remember learning to play the piano, I could just do it. No one ever taught me to draw, yet at 10 years old, I was accepted to art school after I submitted my first drawing. I swam on a swim team and won 1st place ribbons at every meet. I loved school and learned quickly. Yet, my life was full of rejection.
My older sister constantly told me over and over again how much better her life was before me. She told me how much people hated me and only pretended to be my friend. My mom would cry for days and then leave us with dad for a few days nearly every month. Dad would tell us we needed to be better children and mom would quit leaving. Yet, no matter how much I tried, mom still left. I was on and off steroids the first five years of life because of some serious breathing issues I had. There are physical consequences I still deal with daily, but as a child I had a very round, puffy, steroid face. Kids made fun of me for that. I was also very tall, taller than my fourth grade teacher actually. Another reason children choose to make fun of me.
I couldn't reconcile all of this in my head. I liked who I was, I loved music and singing, loved to draw, loved to do mathematics and read. I loved my family and tried to do everything I could for them. I loved Heavenly Father and tried to be very good. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, no one seemed to want me. Not my sister, not my mom, not my dad, no one at school, no one. I felt rejected everywhere I went and in everything I did. I ran away once as a little girl. I went to the park and cried, not knowing what I was going to do. Finally, hours later after dark, I went home. I came in the house, sure they would be happy to see me. I had left a note that I was leaving. Yet, no one said anything to me. I went to my room and cried myself to sleep.
Finally, I came to the conclusion that there was something seriously wrong with me. It never occurred to that struggling, sweet, little girl that it was her family that had some serious issues. All she knew was that no matter how much she tried, everyone kept rejecting her.
From that day, everything I have done is based on that fear of being rejected.
- I became a perfectionist trying to eliminate every flaw that would cause rejection. It backfired, as people started telling me how intimidating I was.
- I gave up many things I love to do because I didn't want to be intimidating or viewed as competition.
- I turned to fantasy and online relationships. They aren't real and so the people wouldn't ever reject me.
- I started seeking people I could help or rescue. These people needed help and surely wouldn't reject me. I became over-invested in their welfare, accepting abusive behavior because I didn't want them to leave. When it became to much, I would reject them. That is better than being rejected.
- I started having all these relationships with people I didn't want anyway. Knowing that I had already rejected them, when they decided to be done with the relationship, I wouldn't be devastated.
- I developed a relationship with food, food never rejects me. Ever.
- I became extremely critical of other people, listing all of the reasons I didn't want them BEFORE even knowing their name, so that if they rejected me, I wouldn't be devastated.
- My career was one of the few areas I felt extremely capable. So when anyone challenged me or what I was doing, I would work twice as hard to over-compensate or prove them wrong. When my principal at the high school wouldn't give me the funding I needed for band, I nearly killed myself with this MASSIVE fundraiser that raised over $50,000 for the band program. When I say nearly killed myself... I mean that. Then I went out and won award after award for our performances, to make her feel bad about not giving me the funding I needed.
How sad is that? It breaks my heart to think of that little girl crying herself to sleep out of loneliness. I wish I could go back and hold her. I would tell her how funny she is, how talented, how kind and how loving she is. I would hold her while she cried and tell her how amazing she is. I would tell her how strong she is, how smart, how beautiful, and how loved she is. I would tell her life will not be easy, and there will be many struggles and sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part of your experiences. I would tell her to never give up and that someday, through the atonement, all things will be made right. I would sing softly to her as she fell asleep, "I feel my Savior's love, in all the world around me.... "
Thursday, October 18, 2012
5.7
Today was way better. I should have started on Advil PM a few nights ago. Life on 8 solid hours of sleep is way better. I laid down and got up 8 hours later from the same position. You know it was solid sleep when that happens. I will definitely be doing that for a few more nights. For sure!!
Anger: No real anger today.
Fear: No real fear today either.
Loneliness: A little. Way better than yesterday. Didn't really think about Steve at all today and felt less lonely.
Shame: No real shame today. I had a good meeting with my nutritional therapist today. We discussed body image and similar issues. As she was talking I was surprised at what was going on in my head. What she is saying makes total sense to me, I even agree with it. Yet at the same time I can feel myself not buying in to what she said. I can say people should be accepting of people of all shapes and sizes, yet I know I'm not. I can say there is health at every size -- yet, I know I'm judgemental of people who are overweight, like myself. I'm sad to admit that. I'm shameful to admit that. I've got some issues here to face. There are days I won't look at myself in the mirror all day. I will get dressed, dry my hair and do my make-up and never look at myself the rest of the day. Talk about issues. I've got some processing to do.
Guilt: No real guilt today -- I had a good day.
Joy: I love physical therapy today. My hip feels so much better on these days. It is like pure joy to stand up off the table after traction and feel like my hip and leg are back in place. Awesome.
Love: I talked to my mom today. It felt really good to have the conversation and not have this overwhelming feeling like I've got to fix her or am responsible for her somehow. I had a good conversation, felt like I could empathize with her, and get off the phone and not worry or have this overwhelming feeling of responsibility. It's was good. I loved it.
Passion: Nope.
Good day.
Anger: No real anger today.
Fear: No real fear today either.
Loneliness: A little. Way better than yesterday. Didn't really think about Steve at all today and felt less lonely.
Shame: No real shame today. I had a good meeting with my nutritional therapist today. We discussed body image and similar issues. As she was talking I was surprised at what was going on in my head. What she is saying makes total sense to me, I even agree with it. Yet at the same time I can feel myself not buying in to what she said. I can say people should be accepting of people of all shapes and sizes, yet I know I'm not. I can say there is health at every size -- yet, I know I'm judgemental of people who are overweight, like myself. I'm sad to admit that. I'm shameful to admit that. I've got some issues here to face. There are days I won't look at myself in the mirror all day. I will get dressed, dry my hair and do my make-up and never look at myself the rest of the day. Talk about issues. I've got some processing to do.
Guilt: No real guilt today -- I had a good day.
Joy: I love physical therapy today. My hip feels so much better on these days. It is like pure joy to stand up off the table after traction and feel like my hip and leg are back in place. Awesome.
Love: I talked to my mom today. It felt really good to have the conversation and not have this overwhelming feeling like I've got to fix her or am responsible for her somehow. I had a good conversation, felt like I could empathize with her, and get off the phone and not worry or have this overwhelming feeling of responsibility. It's was good. I loved it.
Passion: Nope.
Good day.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
5.6
I don't want to do this tonight. Why don't I want to do this tonight? Probably because I really don't like what I did or didn't do today. And because I don't feel well. I really need to cut myself some slack because I don't feel well. And because I've done a lot of emotional work lately and that exhausts me.
Anger: Just at myself, I slept late, napped, watched TV most of the day and didn't get much done. I haven't worked out in two days, but I'm just so tired.
Shame: Again -- I didn't do anything today.
Guilt: Same as above.
Fear: I'm starting to get nervous about my lack of desire to really find a job. I need a fire lit under me.
Loneliness: Today was way better than last night. I'm feeling better than yesterday.
Joy: Nope.
Love: Not really.
Passion: Nope.
It wasn't a bad day -- just a slothful day. Like I said earlier -- it really is a sick day. I need to cut myself some slack for that.
OK - tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will get some work done around the house, and put in two applications. I will pull myself out of this tomorrow. Tonight - I'm taking some NyQuil and going to bed. :) Goodnight.
Anger: Just at myself, I slept late, napped, watched TV most of the day and didn't get much done. I haven't worked out in two days, but I'm just so tired.
Shame: Again -- I didn't do anything today.
Guilt: Same as above.
Fear: I'm starting to get nervous about my lack of desire to really find a job. I need a fire lit under me.
Loneliness: Today was way better than last night. I'm feeling better than yesterday.
Joy: Nope.
Love: Not really.
Passion: Nope.
It wasn't a bad day -- just a slothful day. Like I said earlier -- it really is a sick day. I need to cut myself some slack for that.
OK - tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will get some work done around the house, and put in two applications. I will pull myself out of this tomorrow. Tonight - I'm taking some NyQuil and going to bed. :) Goodnight.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
5.5
Anger: None that I can think of. Really, no anger today. That is good.
Fear: I shared my story tonight with group. I have read the long version probably 4 times to different people: my sponsor, therapist, and two SA groups. I have never been so scared to share it as I was tonight. Literally, my hands were shaking while I was reading it. I didn't hold the paper because I didn't want it to be visible. I'm glad it's over.
Shame: While sharing my story, a little bit of shame swept back in. Probably because I'm reading to spouses and not addicts. At least when you read to addicts they all shake their head because they've been there. And your therapist has to not reject you because you pay him. But these women could very well reject me. They didn't and I don't think they would, they are better people than that, but the shame of my life was still very real.
Guilt: No real guilt today. I got a lot done and had good appointments.
Pain: Cramps -- but they should be over soon.
Loneliness: Reading my story reminds me of how very lonely I have been for most of my life. There was a period of time that I couldn't help it, but there was a period of time I chose it. Right now -- I wonder how much I choose and how much is just circumstance. I am surrounded by real people who know and love me. I don't have to choose fantasy to find support, acceptance or love, yet sometimes the pull is still very strong. Reading my story tonight reminded me of so many opportunities in my life I've lost because of my addictions. And I think the real question for me is -- will I always be like this? Will I always be lonely? Will I ever be able to overcome? I don't know.
Love: My friend Tina brought me homemade soup today! It was SO GOOD! She loves me.
Joy: I made some serious progress in therapy this morning. It was such a good session all about multiple addictions and addiction interaction. It was fascinating and I made some serious connections. It felt joyful to finally figure out some things about myself.
Passion: Nope.
Side note: Reading about Steve today was incredibly triggering. There are sometimes I miss him terribly. I really did love him with everything in me. I want to hate him for what he did to me. If I could hate him it would probably be easier. But I can't. I've tried. Hate takes too much effort. I haven't been in contact with him for over 6 months. Contact with him means I have to reset my sobriety. He was a huge part of my life for 8 years and our connection was extremely powerful for me. It gets easier over time.... but today, not so much. Wherever you are Steve, I hope you are happy and are working at becoming healthier.
Fear: I shared my story tonight with group. I have read the long version probably 4 times to different people: my sponsor, therapist, and two SA groups. I have never been so scared to share it as I was tonight. Literally, my hands were shaking while I was reading it. I didn't hold the paper because I didn't want it to be visible. I'm glad it's over.
Shame: While sharing my story, a little bit of shame swept back in. Probably because I'm reading to spouses and not addicts. At least when you read to addicts they all shake their head because they've been there. And your therapist has to not reject you because you pay him. But these women could very well reject me. They didn't and I don't think they would, they are better people than that, but the shame of my life was still very real.
Guilt: No real guilt today. I got a lot done and had good appointments.
Pain: Cramps -- but they should be over soon.
Loneliness: Reading my story reminds me of how very lonely I have been for most of my life. There was a period of time that I couldn't help it, but there was a period of time I chose it. Right now -- I wonder how much I choose and how much is just circumstance. I am surrounded by real people who know and love me. I don't have to choose fantasy to find support, acceptance or love, yet sometimes the pull is still very strong. Reading my story tonight reminded me of so many opportunities in my life I've lost because of my addictions. And I think the real question for me is -- will I always be like this? Will I always be lonely? Will I ever be able to overcome? I don't know.
Love: My friend Tina brought me homemade soup today! It was SO GOOD! She loves me.
Joy: I made some serious progress in therapy this morning. It was such a good session all about multiple addictions and addiction interaction. It was fascinating and I made some serious connections. It felt joyful to finally figure out some things about myself.
Passion: Nope.
Side note: Reading about Steve today was incredibly triggering. There are sometimes I miss him terribly. I really did love him with everything in me. I want to hate him for what he did to me. If I could hate him it would probably be easier. But I can't. I've tried. Hate takes too much effort. I haven't been in contact with him for over 6 months. Contact with him means I have to reset my sobriety. He was a huge part of my life for 8 years and our connection was extremely powerful for me. It gets easier over time.... but today, not so much. Wherever you are Steve, I hope you are happy and are working at becoming healthier.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Feelings 5.4
Anger: What do you do for people who won't help themselves? I get angry. I don't usually reveal this anger to anyone, but it can consume me. Again, co dependence shining through. I can only listen to the same person whine about the same thing for so long before I become angry. After anger comes apathy. I'm anxious to move to apathy on this one.
Pain: I woke up without a voice. I can literally not make a sound today but whisper. I wasn't sick yesterday, but today, I have a chest cold and am coughing up phlegm. Oh - and I have no voice. My chest is tight, I didn't sleep well and my body is achy. I've been on meds all day and feel better tonight, but I need my voice back.
Fear: Yes - but I don't want to talk about it.
Shame: Not really.
Guilt: I slept in AND took a nap today. I probably needed it, but I always feel a little guilty and indulgent when I do things like that. I need to get past it and practice good self-care.
Loneliness: I'm presenting my story at group tomorrow. I read it through today for timing. I don't want it to be forever long. It made me lonely.
Love: I had a good text exchange with my friend today that made me feel loved.
Joy: I'm going to eat pizza tonight -- it's in the oven right now!
Passion: I have a passion for sleep right now, does that count?
Pain: I woke up without a voice. I can literally not make a sound today but whisper. I wasn't sick yesterday, but today, I have a chest cold and am coughing up phlegm. Oh - and I have no voice. My chest is tight, I didn't sleep well and my body is achy. I've been on meds all day and feel better tonight, but I need my voice back.
Fear: Yes - but I don't want to talk about it.
Shame: Not really.
Guilt: I slept in AND took a nap today. I probably needed it, but I always feel a little guilty and indulgent when I do things like that. I need to get past it and practice good self-care.
Loneliness: I'm presenting my story at group tomorrow. I read it through today for timing. I don't want it to be forever long. It made me lonely.
Love: I had a good text exchange with my friend today that made me feel loved.
Joy: I'm going to eat pizza tonight -- it's in the oven right now!
Passion: I have a passion for sleep right now, does that count?
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Feelings 5.3
Anger: I serve on a single adult committee for my stake. The co-chair told me today, he will again not be at the meeting. That makes several months in a row that I have had to run meetings and even plan and execute activities on my own. It just upsets me. I get angry at him for leaving me to handle everything and not holding up his part of the deal. So this gives me a great opportunity to practice not being co-dependent. YAY! :/
Fear: Another great opportunity to practice not being co-dependent. The conductor at choir practice tonight did something wrong. I said, not realizing it was loud enough for everyone to hear, "That's not the way it is written." She freaks out on me - saying yes it is, and if your music doesn't say that, bring it down here and I'll fix it for you and going on and on and on about it. I was right - she was wrong. But it doesn't really matter. For about 5 minutes I sat there in fear of what everyone else around me was thinking about me. And then I thought -- who cares. Who really cares what they think. AND who really cares who was right and wrong. After rehearsal, I apologized to her for what happened and explained what I heard and why I said what I did. After listening to me, she said, "Oh. (long pause) Well it doesn't really matter if we sing it right or wrong as long as we all move together." Yes, I was right. I'm choosing not to dwell on it anymore though, or worry about what other people think of it. Because honestly, it doesn't really matter. :)
Pain: I think I am developing a cold. My head is kind of in cold fog today and my sinuses are a little painful. Not happy about that.
Shame: I body-parted today for like 15 seconds before I stopped myself. This is not typically something I have problems with. I was talking to my single male friend and had a moment of lust looking at his ears. WEIRD, I KNOW! But it is part of my thing. Anyway -- literally 15 seconds and I totally stopped myself. But I will need to report it at group as a slip.
Guilt: I'm judgmental. I was thinking about that today particularly with my sister. I need to work on that.
Loneliness: Kind of. As much as I love working in primary, sometimes I ache for my own family. This little kid, Adam, got picked to help with the lesson. He's 4. He picked the paper and pretended to read it. When she started helping him, he said, it's my turn to read. And he followed his finger along the words making things up as he went until he was done. It was ADORABLE! He ran to me after primary today and said, "Sister Smith, I need one of your hugs." I love it and eat it up. But sometimes, when I'm driving home alone, I feel lonely. Today was one of those days.
Love: Sunday is one of the best days for me and this emotion. I get hugs from nearly every child in Primary. I feel the spirit as they sing and can feel how much Jesus loves them. When I first started in recovery and I felt so shameful and horrible, these children literally saved me. When I think about how much I love them and feel God's love for them, I am reminded that He feels that way about me. I consider every Sunday I get to spend with them a privilege.
Joy: I felt joy in the atonement today during sacrament meeting. "But if ye will turn to the Lord, with full purpose of heart and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." Mosiah 7:33 I'm starting to feel delivered from bondage.
Passion: Nope.
Done.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Feelings 5.2
Today is my 4 month sobriety anniversary. It was a good day overall, but there were some issues. I had a major co-dependency slip with my family this morning. My sister and I had a disagreement today. I have more and more reasons why I need to not live with her. My resolution to move out is getting stronger everyday.
I'm grateful for four months of sobriety. It's more than I've ever had in recovery. I've hit 3 months several times, but this is the first time at 4 months. It feels different. I really like it. I'm really grateful for it.
Ok.... today's feelings:
Anger: I hate it when families come to a ward activity with their children and don't pay attention to them or what they're doing. Want to run around? I have no problem with that, just watch your kids. Want to play with the other kids? No big deal. Want to have long distance jumping competition from the top of the stage? Yeah - not a good idea, especially when parents don't pay attention until the first one falls and splits his forehead open. I could have told you that was going to happen. I understand that I don't have kids, and so many people would think I was being judgemental. But really, watch your kids. I don't care who you think you are, and who you think your kids are. Pay attention.
Fear: Not today.
Pain: Glorious PMS cramping today. So fun.
Shame: None that I can remember.
Guilt: I ate too much today.
Loneliness: I can't stop thinking about Daryl. Let it go, Amy.
Love: I love Erika. She has been my best friend for over 14 years. I love her. She is an amazing person.
Passion: I played the piano for over an hour today. I LOVE playing. I love making music.
Joy: I looked cute today. I loved looking cute.
I'm grateful for four months of sobriety. It's more than I've ever had in recovery. I've hit 3 months several times, but this is the first time at 4 months. It feels different. I really like it. I'm really grateful for it.
Ok.... today's feelings:
Anger: I hate it when families come to a ward activity with their children and don't pay attention to them or what they're doing. Want to run around? I have no problem with that, just watch your kids. Want to play with the other kids? No big deal. Want to have long distance jumping competition from the top of the stage? Yeah - not a good idea, especially when parents don't pay attention until the first one falls and splits his forehead open. I could have told you that was going to happen. I understand that I don't have kids, and so many people would think I was being judgemental. But really, watch your kids. I don't care who you think you are, and who you think your kids are. Pay attention.
Fear: Not today.
Pain: Glorious PMS cramping today. So fun.
Shame: None that I can remember.
Guilt: I ate too much today.
Loneliness: I can't stop thinking about Daryl. Let it go, Amy.
Love: I love Erika. She has been my best friend for over 14 years. I love her. She is an amazing person.
Passion: I played the piano for over an hour today. I LOVE playing. I love making music.
Joy: I looked cute today. I loved looking cute.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Feelings 5.1
I have 5 minutes - and I am determined not to miss a day this week.
Anger: Nope
Fear: I cleaned up some nasty black tarish stuff from under the fridge today. I'm HOPING that is what the smell is in that corner of our kitchen that has been there since we moved in. It scared me. It was totally gross.
Shame: Nope
Guilt: I didn't get near as much done today as I wanted to. I hate when I over schedule and then feel guilty about it - STUPID!
Pain: I walked at the gym today JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO. I'm not supposed to walk, it hurts when I walk, but I'm so tired of riding the bike and just wanted to walk. I'm paying for it tonight.
Loneliness: Not anymore so than usual.
Love: I went to an SA meeting this morning. I didn't go last week because I totally spaced it. I LOVE this meeting. The men there are so accepting and so uplifting. It was good to connect with them again.
Joy: I did get a lot done today! Not that the week has been unproductive, but I have just had a lot of little things around the house that have been piling up. I'm glad to have gotten a lot done and feel joyful going out with some friends tonight.
Passion: I won the negotiation with my fat releasers today. Long story -- but I won. 6 weeks and the contract with be mine permanently. this is part of that passion for self-care I'm developing. Post to come soon about that -- I promise.
And I'm out the door.....
Anger: Nope
Fear: I cleaned up some nasty black tarish stuff from under the fridge today. I'm HOPING that is what the smell is in that corner of our kitchen that has been there since we moved in. It scared me. It was totally gross.
Shame: Nope
Guilt: I didn't get near as much done today as I wanted to. I hate when I over schedule and then feel guilty about it - STUPID!
Pain: I walked at the gym today JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO. I'm not supposed to walk, it hurts when I walk, but I'm so tired of riding the bike and just wanted to walk. I'm paying for it tonight.
Loneliness: Not anymore so than usual.
Love: I went to an SA meeting this morning. I didn't go last week because I totally spaced it. I LOVE this meeting. The men there are so accepting and so uplifting. It was good to connect with them again.
Joy: I did get a lot done today! Not that the week has been unproductive, but I have just had a lot of little things around the house that have been piling up. I'm glad to have gotten a lot done and feel joyful going out with some friends tonight.
Passion: I won the negotiation with my fat releasers today. Long story -- but I won. 6 weeks and the contract with be mine permanently. this is part of that passion for self-care I'm developing. Post to come soon about that -- I promise.
And I'm out the door.....
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Feeling 4.7
Today is the end of week 4 --Half way through. I will say that I do feel like I have more control over my emotions. I feel like I recognize them better and spend less time in the negative emotions. Anger has almost completely disappeared from my life. Because anger is a secondary emotion, I dig deeper and am starting to identify the more fundamental emotion beneath. It's good.
I will say that I'm excited to be on the downhill with this assignment. Four more weeks seems like a long time, but it will go fast. After the 8 weeks, I want to do something like this to keep in touch with my emotions, but maybe not exactly like this. I will need to figure out what that looks like.
Anger: I talked with a good friend tonight about her husband's recent behavior. I am totally angry for her. What a complete and total jackass he is! She deserves better.
Fear: In the same conversation I felt fear of over sharing. Sometimes, I think I say too much.
Shame: Nope -- no real shame today.
Guilt: I didn't communicate with my sister about being out late tonight. I know she worries about me when she doesn't know where I am. BUT - I'M 36 AND YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!!!!!! BUT - I also recognize that it is a courtesy issue as well. AND that I don't tell her on purpose to make her mad, and that is the part I feel guilty about.
Pain: Nope
Loneliness: Weird combination of loneliness, yet contentment as well. I want a partner in my life, but not until it's the right time and not until I'm a little bit healthier. It will come in God's time.
Joy: I lost two pounds this week. JOY!
Love: I talked to so many great women today. I love my friends. I love the women I am surrounded with. It is great.
Passion: I want an orgasm. I'm just going to put it out there. This is probably the "wrong" type of passion I'm supposed to be reporting on, but there it is. Am I going to do it? No. In fact, I'm going to make a recovery call as soon as I publish this, because now I'm feeling triggered. LOL Better to identify it now, then deal with it when I'm half-asleep later.
And there you have it -- Amy's emotions for the day!
I will say that I'm excited to be on the downhill with this assignment. Four more weeks seems like a long time, but it will go fast. After the 8 weeks, I want to do something like this to keep in touch with my emotions, but maybe not exactly like this. I will need to figure out what that looks like.
Anger: I talked with a good friend tonight about her husband's recent behavior. I am totally angry for her. What a complete and total jackass he is! She deserves better.
Fear: In the same conversation I felt fear of over sharing. Sometimes, I think I say too much.
Shame: Nope -- no real shame today.
Guilt: I didn't communicate with my sister about being out late tonight. I know she worries about me when she doesn't know where I am. BUT - I'M 36 AND YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!!!!!! BUT - I also recognize that it is a courtesy issue as well. AND that I don't tell her on purpose to make her mad, and that is the part I feel guilty about.
Pain: Nope
Loneliness: Weird combination of loneliness, yet contentment as well. I want a partner in my life, but not until it's the right time and not until I'm a little bit healthier. It will come in God's time.
Joy: I lost two pounds this week. JOY!
Love: I talked to so many great women today. I love my friends. I love the women I am surrounded with. It is great.
Passion: I want an orgasm. I'm just going to put it out there. This is probably the "wrong" type of passion I'm supposed to be reporting on, but there it is. Am I going to do it? No. In fact, I'm going to make a recovery call as soon as I publish this, because now I'm feeling triggered. LOL Better to identify it now, then deal with it when I'm half-asleep later.
And there you have it -- Amy's emotions for the day!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Feelings 4.5/4.6
Not happy about the fact that I left blogging go last night. No matter how tired I was, I should have blogged my feelings. It's one of the things I do that helps me process. I'm sad I didn't do that last night.
Fear: I got a call from my a high councilman in my stake yesterday for an interview for tonight. I spent 24 hours in fear of what he was going to call me to do. He's over the youth in our stake. Girl's camp? Seminary? Roadshows? Other stake calling involving the youth? These scare me to death. Not because I wouldn't like to do it, or be of service, or anything like that. But because I'm afraid of myself. Every time I do something like this, I lose myself. I'm a perfectionist, I want things to go perfectly. I want something amazing and I lose myself while doing it. Verdict: They want me to direct a youth musical fireside. I accepted. I'm scared.
Anger: No real anger -- frustration -- but no anger.
Loneliness: I want children. I felt lonely today as I attended my piano lessons. I want kids. I seriously want kids.
Shame: I ate out every meal yesterday. It wasn't the plan. It was good food, wasn't even junk food. Stayed within my calorie allotment and everything. Yet, I feel shameful about it.
Guilt: No real guilt today.
Pain: No real pain today.
Joy: Again, I had a great week of lessons. My students are really making progress! Love it.
Love: I had a really good discussion with a friend last night. At the end of the discussion she said to me, "I think I finally realize, that you are alone in recovery." She looked me in the eyes and said, "I am inspired by you. You are brave." I felt loved. I felt acknowledged. I felt like someone saw me for who I was, for my situation and loved me for it, found it brave even.
Passion: I have a passion for children. I want them to be happy. I want to teach them. I want to tell them how amazing they are. I love them.
Fear: I got a call from my a high councilman in my stake yesterday for an interview for tonight. I spent 24 hours in fear of what he was going to call me to do. He's over the youth in our stake. Girl's camp? Seminary? Roadshows? Other stake calling involving the youth? These scare me to death. Not because I wouldn't like to do it, or be of service, or anything like that. But because I'm afraid of myself. Every time I do something like this, I lose myself. I'm a perfectionist, I want things to go perfectly. I want something amazing and I lose myself while doing it. Verdict: They want me to direct a youth musical fireside. I accepted. I'm scared.
Anger: No real anger -- frustration -- but no anger.
Loneliness: I want children. I felt lonely today as I attended my piano lessons. I want kids. I seriously want kids.
Shame: I ate out every meal yesterday. It wasn't the plan. It was good food, wasn't even junk food. Stayed within my calorie allotment and everything. Yet, I feel shameful about it.
Guilt: No real guilt today.
Pain: No real pain today.
Joy: Again, I had a great week of lessons. My students are really making progress! Love it.
Love: I had a really good discussion with a friend last night. At the end of the discussion she said to me, "I think I finally realize, that you are alone in recovery." She looked me in the eyes and said, "I am inspired by you. You are brave." I felt loved. I felt acknowledged. I felt like someone saw me for who I was, for my situation and loved me for it, found it brave even.
Passion: I have a passion for children. I want them to be happy. I want to teach them. I want to tell them how amazing they are. I love them.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Feelings 4.4
You would think about nearly 4 weeks of doing this, that it would come more easily. Some days it does, and some days it doesn't. Today is not horrible, I just don't necessarily want to process. Which I suppose is exactly why I should, right?
Anger: More frustration than anger. Sometimes dealing with my old co-workers is really difficult. They send me emails to handle website issues - but they all conflict with each other. Which direction should I take? I just wish they would coordinate a little more before they ask me to do something.
Fear: Tomorrow is my hip MRI. I don't know what I'm scared about -- just general fear. What if it is worse than I think? What if it is horrible? Or what if the MRI shows nothing?
Pain: No pain today, physical or emotional.
Shame: I sent several emails over the weekend to my nutritional therapist, which she asked me for. However, I didn't do them in the way she wanted. When she corrected me and asked me for emails in a different way, I felt shameful. I felt silly, like I was 11 years old all over again and someone was telling me I wasn't good enough. I realize the feelings are kind of ridiculous. She hadn't given me direction on how she wanted it done and was just asking for what she needed. But it made me feel really childish and shameful for some reason.
Guilt: I didn't put the trash out to be picked up like I told my sister I would. Now we have an overabundance of trash for the next two weeks. I feel like she's upset with me about it.
Loneliness: I don't think I really felt lonely today.
Joy: I went to dinner with a good friend tonight and felt joy in catching up with her. We both lost our fathers to brain cancer. It was joyful to talk about my memories of my dad and several of the things going on in our lives.
Love: At water aerobics this morning there were three women from my ward. They each came and talked to me and asked about me and my life and what was going on. We had good conversations. It was nice to feel acknowledged and loved.
Passion: I'm excited about my company designs with my other sister -- not the guilt sister. I need to work on them more this week and make some progress. I'm also excited about some of the job opportunities I've looked into.
Anger: More frustration than anger. Sometimes dealing with my old co-workers is really difficult. They send me emails to handle website issues - but they all conflict with each other. Which direction should I take? I just wish they would coordinate a little more before they ask me to do something.
Fear: Tomorrow is my hip MRI. I don't know what I'm scared about -- just general fear. What if it is worse than I think? What if it is horrible? Or what if the MRI shows nothing?
Pain: No pain today, physical or emotional.
Shame: I sent several emails over the weekend to my nutritional therapist, which she asked me for. However, I didn't do them in the way she wanted. When she corrected me and asked me for emails in a different way, I felt shameful. I felt silly, like I was 11 years old all over again and someone was telling me I wasn't good enough. I realize the feelings are kind of ridiculous. She hadn't given me direction on how she wanted it done and was just asking for what she needed. But it made me feel really childish and shameful for some reason.
Guilt: I didn't put the trash out to be picked up like I told my sister I would. Now we have an overabundance of trash for the next two weeks. I feel like she's upset with me about it.
Loneliness: I don't think I really felt lonely today.
Joy: I went to dinner with a good friend tonight and felt joy in catching up with her. We both lost our fathers to brain cancer. It was joyful to talk about my memories of my dad and several of the things going on in our lives.
Love: At water aerobics this morning there were three women from my ward. They each came and talked to me and asked about me and my life and what was going on. We had good conversations. It was nice to feel acknowledged and loved.
Passion: I'm excited about my company designs with my other sister -- not the guilt sister. I need to work on them more this week and make some progress. I'm also excited about some of the job opportunities I've looked into.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Feelings 4.3
Today was very calm and uneventful.... I needed it. :)
Shame: I don't think I felt any shame today. I am working on my co-addiction worksheets and identifying my addiction interaction map, but I still don't think I felt shame about it.
Guilt: None really. I had a good day... not many negative feelings in general.
Pain: My caboose hurts -- I sat too much on it today. I did do some small walking and stretching, but I sat too long for conference.
Loneliness: No -- I did good today.
Fear: None. Really, no fear.
Anger: Nope - no anger.... really.
Joy and Love: I loved listening to conference today. The words were inspiring and full of the spirit. I felt so much joy and so much love. It was fantastic.
Passion: Working on my self-care post. Every time I ate today I thought, I'm eating for self-care. I put on my new cute clothes today and thought the same thing, I'm getting dressed for self-care.
Excited for tomorrow. Nothing particular going on, just excited for a new day with my new attitude.
Shame: I don't think I felt any shame today. I am working on my co-addiction worksheets and identifying my addiction interaction map, but I still don't think I felt shame about it.
Guilt: None really. I had a good day... not many negative feelings in general.
Pain: My caboose hurts -- I sat too much on it today. I did do some small walking and stretching, but I sat too long for conference.
Loneliness: No -- I did good today.
Fear: None. Really, no fear.
Anger: Nope - no anger.... really.
Joy and Love: I loved listening to conference today. The words were inspiring and full of the spirit. I felt so much joy and so much love. It was fantastic.
Passion: Working on my self-care post. Every time I ate today I thought, I'm eating for self-care. I put on my new cute clothes today and thought the same thing, I'm getting dressed for self-care.
Excited for tomorrow. Nothing particular going on, just excited for a new day with my new attitude.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Feelings 4.1/4.2
The single adult activity I planned went really well last night. Over 150 people attended. Everything went well. Those activities can be extremely triggering for me. The single adult culture in this area is not fun for me. As long as I approach these activities as an opportunity to serve and not a social event, I do well. But if I'm looking for any type of real social interaction or fun, I'm always disappointed. There is also a very judgemental attitude. At least I feel there is. It's triggering to go to these events, knowing that every man is sizing you up for potential, and every woman is sizing you up for competition. Yet - at the same time, I know I need to be social and meet new people. It's difficult. Point being -- I was up late and so feeling processing didn't happen yesterday. Today is going to be a mixture of yesterday and today. :)
Anger: At the activity last night a few things happened that really made me angry. The woman who had brought the food was absolutely unwilling to change the location of the food within the activity at the last minute. We wanted to move the table about 20 feet. Seriously. She just looked at me and said, "I don't do last minute changes well. If you want me to keep it together, you will not make me move the food". Really? 20 feet is going to make you lose it? Ok - we'll keep the food right in front of the bathroom door. That way you can pick up a drink and listen to someone pee at the same time. Fine. Also - the guy who was supposed to help with parking didn't show. By the time I got to the lot, the early birds had literally blocked the lot off. The open space was all blocked off. I had to track down people and have them move their cars so we had enough room to park everyone. Exciting stuff. I am sometimes floored at how stupid people are. Who thought it would be a good idea to block off the rest of the parking lot?
Fear: There is always a lot of fear involving these activities. What ifs run through my head all day. The biggest one is - what if no one talks to me? Totally ridiculous because I know nearly everyone there by name and spend time with 6 or 7 of them nearly weekly, but yet I am still haunted by it. I sometimes feel like I'm 11 years old on the playground -- is anyone going to pick me? I hate that haunting feeling I have. Talking myself down from it is routine now, but I wish I could never go there to begin with.
Pain: Only myself and one other woman showed up to the SA meeting this morning. It was good because we each had a lot to put out there and to share. She is going through so much right now and it pained me to watch her talk about some of it.
Shame: I called and had an extra therapy appointment on Friday. I feel shame about that desperate feeling I have sometimes where I know I can't go another week without seeing my therapist. I feel shame around not being able to "handle it". Even though I know he is not judging me, I sometimes think that he must think I'm crazy, or that I cry wolf about silly things that I'm struggling with. I hate doing it - but know that sometimes I literally can't go a full week without seeing him a second time. Lately, he's been providing me with a lot of words that I didn't have before. Sometimes I know what I'm feeling, but literally do not have the words to express it. Or I know what I want to say, or how I want to handle a particular situation, but cannot come up with the right words to do it. I can explain the situation and he can say the right thing.
Guilt: I still have not called KIM about piano lessons. TOMORROW!
Loneliness: This was a hard one for me yesterday and today. Last night, at the activity, I spent most of it with my friend "Nate". We have been close friends for nearly 3 years. Nothing going on between us romantically. He expressed some interest at some point in time, but I turned him down. When it comes down to it, I'm really not attracted to him. Love him to death, honestly, but just don't see us living our lives together. We're in the same ward, and serve together in the Single Adults. At activities like this, we are usually inseparable, which we were last night. I have a boundary that says "I do not flirt with men I have no real intentions with". It is sometimes hard for me with him. I know I could, I know he would respond, yet I can't. Spending all night with him last night was triggering for me and made me feel lonely. Then today - I really had a great day! Spent time with several people and had great conversation and great experiences. It was a great day! And then they all went home to their husbands or partners tonight and I went home to my house with my sister who is on her period and is bitchy right now. I wanted someone to go home to as well.
Joy: I was amazingly proud of my friend and how she handled the recent crisis with her husband. She was AMAZING!! It brought me joy to see how stable she was today and how empowered she felt. You could see it in her eyes and in her face. She is am amazing woman and I feel blessed to know her.
Love: I went to the temple yesterday for the first time since beginning recovery. I've been able to go since January but have been scared and have struggled to do it. I went yesterday with a friend from my group therapy. I felt loved. I felt worthy to be there. I was so glad to be able to share it with her. I was so appreciative of her love and support. It was so great to go with someone who knew how big of a deal it was for me to be back there. When I told my therapist about the experience that afternoon and we discussed it a little bit, he teared up. First time I have ever seen my therapist cry. Cry is probably an overstatement. His eyes got glossy and he fought the tears, but there was a tissue and an eye wipe involved.
Passion: I am developing a new passion around self-care for a number of reasons. The last week or so, I have had a really hard time with body image issues. Most of the problem revolves around clothes. I go to my closet and hate everything I see and don't feel like anything fits and then I feel bad about everything. Yesterday, I nearly had a melt down trying to decide what to wear to the activity last night when I realized my problem: My wardrobe is two sizes two small. When I lost 70 lbs. almost two years ago, I got rid of all my big clothes and bought a huge new wardrobe at my new size. Over the past two years I've gained back 50 lbs and yet, have only bought a handful of pieces, always telling myself that I'll lose weight and be able to fit into my cute clothes again. Every day I tell myself that as I put on clothes that I hate and don't look good on me. When I had this realization yesterday, I could almost hear my nutritional therapist saying - Is that honoring your body? No it's not. So this afternoon, I went and bought new clothes that fit me right now and that I love. I'm glad to have them. But it's this concept of honoring your body that I'm passionate about. My body is a gift. It's a privilege to have a body. It's something I earned the right to by choosing appropriately in the pre-earth life. And yet, I've spent many years abusing it with food, sex, not exercising, not taking care of myself emotionally. I feel the change happening inside myself. I feel my self talk changing. I'm loving it.
Ok - I think that's everything. I'm exhausted because I only had about 5 hours of sleep last night. It is time for bed!!!! :)
Anger: At the activity last night a few things happened that really made me angry. The woman who had brought the food was absolutely unwilling to change the location of the food within the activity at the last minute. We wanted to move the table about 20 feet. Seriously. She just looked at me and said, "I don't do last minute changes well. If you want me to keep it together, you will not make me move the food". Really? 20 feet is going to make you lose it? Ok - we'll keep the food right in front of the bathroom door. That way you can pick up a drink and listen to someone pee at the same time. Fine. Also - the guy who was supposed to help with parking didn't show. By the time I got to the lot, the early birds had literally blocked the lot off. The open space was all blocked off. I had to track down people and have them move their cars so we had enough room to park everyone. Exciting stuff. I am sometimes floored at how stupid people are. Who thought it would be a good idea to block off the rest of the parking lot?
Fear: There is always a lot of fear involving these activities. What ifs run through my head all day. The biggest one is - what if no one talks to me? Totally ridiculous because I know nearly everyone there by name and spend time with 6 or 7 of them nearly weekly, but yet I am still haunted by it. I sometimes feel like I'm 11 years old on the playground -- is anyone going to pick me? I hate that haunting feeling I have. Talking myself down from it is routine now, but I wish I could never go there to begin with.
Pain: Only myself and one other woman showed up to the SA meeting this morning. It was good because we each had a lot to put out there and to share. She is going through so much right now and it pained me to watch her talk about some of it.
Shame: I called and had an extra therapy appointment on Friday. I feel shame about that desperate feeling I have sometimes where I know I can't go another week without seeing my therapist. I feel shame around not being able to "handle it". Even though I know he is not judging me, I sometimes think that he must think I'm crazy, or that I cry wolf about silly things that I'm struggling with. I hate doing it - but know that sometimes I literally can't go a full week without seeing him a second time. Lately, he's been providing me with a lot of words that I didn't have before. Sometimes I know what I'm feeling, but literally do not have the words to express it. Or I know what I want to say, or how I want to handle a particular situation, but cannot come up with the right words to do it. I can explain the situation and he can say the right thing.
Guilt: I still have not called KIM about piano lessons. TOMORROW!
Loneliness: This was a hard one for me yesterday and today. Last night, at the activity, I spent most of it with my friend "Nate". We have been close friends for nearly 3 years. Nothing going on between us romantically. He expressed some interest at some point in time, but I turned him down. When it comes down to it, I'm really not attracted to him. Love him to death, honestly, but just don't see us living our lives together. We're in the same ward, and serve together in the Single Adults. At activities like this, we are usually inseparable, which we were last night. I have a boundary that says "I do not flirt with men I have no real intentions with". It is sometimes hard for me with him. I know I could, I know he would respond, yet I can't. Spending all night with him last night was triggering for me and made me feel lonely. Then today - I really had a great day! Spent time with several people and had great conversation and great experiences. It was a great day! And then they all went home to their husbands or partners tonight and I went home to my house with my sister who is on her period and is bitchy right now. I wanted someone to go home to as well.
Joy: I was amazingly proud of my friend and how she handled the recent crisis with her husband. She was AMAZING!! It brought me joy to see how stable she was today and how empowered she felt. You could see it in her eyes and in her face. She is am amazing woman and I feel blessed to know her.
Love: I went to the temple yesterday for the first time since beginning recovery. I've been able to go since January but have been scared and have struggled to do it. I went yesterday with a friend from my group therapy. I felt loved. I felt worthy to be there. I was so glad to be able to share it with her. I was so appreciative of her love and support. It was so great to go with someone who knew how big of a deal it was for me to be back there. When I told my therapist about the experience that afternoon and we discussed it a little bit, he teared up. First time I have ever seen my therapist cry. Cry is probably an overstatement. His eyes got glossy and he fought the tears, but there was a tissue and an eye wipe involved.
Passion: I am developing a new passion around self-care for a number of reasons. The last week or so, I have had a really hard time with body image issues. Most of the problem revolves around clothes. I go to my closet and hate everything I see and don't feel like anything fits and then I feel bad about everything. Yesterday, I nearly had a melt down trying to decide what to wear to the activity last night when I realized my problem: My wardrobe is two sizes two small. When I lost 70 lbs. almost two years ago, I got rid of all my big clothes and bought a huge new wardrobe at my new size. Over the past two years I've gained back 50 lbs and yet, have only bought a handful of pieces, always telling myself that I'll lose weight and be able to fit into my cute clothes again. Every day I tell myself that as I put on clothes that I hate and don't look good on me. When I had this realization yesterday, I could almost hear my nutritional therapist saying - Is that honoring your body? No it's not. So this afternoon, I went and bought new clothes that fit me right now and that I love. I'm glad to have them. But it's this concept of honoring your body that I'm passionate about. My body is a gift. It's a privilege to have a body. It's something I earned the right to by choosing appropriately in the pre-earth life. And yet, I've spent many years abusing it with food, sex, not exercising, not taking care of myself emotionally. I feel the change happening inside myself. I feel my self talk changing. I'm loving it.
Ok - I think that's everything. I'm exhausted because I only had about 5 hours of sleep last night. It is time for bed!!!! :)
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Feelings 3.7
I'm extremely grateful for professional help tonight. After having such a hard, discouraging day yesterday, I was concerned that today was just going to be a long one. This morning, I really didn't want to get up. But I got up and made it to the gym before going to PT.
My physical therapist is amazing. Seriously. I spelled out what the doctor said yesterday and cried a little bit when I said I was discouraged. He was great! He let me cry and then said, "We can fix this!" He gave me great information and helped with a plan. He was so supportive and encouraging. But more than that -- he really helped me understand the science and concept of what I need to do to get my body working again. He had great analogies and great explanations.
This afternoon, I met with my nutritional therapist. She was also amazing. Super supportive, super encouraging, full of great ideas and helpful hints. I cried and she was helpful, extremely helpful. I love her.
Anyway.....
Fear: I'm concerned about the future. I'm scared about the job market, finding something that will give me the money and flexibility I want. I'm scared that returning to teaching will cause a relapse.
Anger: Melody is driving me crazy.
Pain: Hip aches tonight -- not the sharp pain, just an ache.
Shame: No real shame today
Loneliness: No real loneliness today either.
Guilt: A little bit about my eating. I need to be better tomorrow.
Joy: At having real help and support today.
My physical therapist is amazing. Seriously. I spelled out what the doctor said yesterday and cried a little bit when I said I was discouraged. He was great! He let me cry and then said, "We can fix this!" He gave me great information and helped with a plan. He was so supportive and encouraging. But more than that -- he really helped me understand the science and concept of what I need to do to get my body working again. He had great analogies and great explanations.
This afternoon, I met with my nutritional therapist. She was also amazing. Super supportive, super encouraging, full of great ideas and helpful hints. I cried and she was helpful, extremely helpful. I love her.
Anyway.....
Fear: I'm concerned about the future. I'm scared about the job market, finding something that will give me the money and flexibility I want. I'm scared that returning to teaching will cause a relapse.
Anger: Melody is driving me crazy.
Pain: Hip aches tonight -- not the sharp pain, just an ache.
Shame: No real shame today
Loneliness: No real loneliness today either.
Guilt: A little bit about my eating. I need to be better tomorrow.
Joy: At having real help and support today.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Feelings 3.6
Oh, how quickly the pendulum swings. Just last night I wrote about how I had a pretty good day and tonight - I am totally practicing recovery in principle and not emotion. If it were up to my emotionally, I'd be in bed already and not doing my nightly routine of processing emotions. I'd be curled up, isolating from emotions, people and decisions. BUT - as I was making the decision to skip the blogging and everything else tonight and was ready to jump into bed, in my mind the words formed; I practice recovery in principle and not emotion. So here I am.
The question is - what is going on for me emotionally that I feel like isolating myself? Nothing major really happened today. I'm very good at recognizing Capital T Trauma, a car accident, a break-up, an episode with my family, a stressful situation at work. However, I'm NOT good at recognizing little t trauma, feeling overwhelmed or rejected, being pulled in too many directions, feeling bad about myself, etc. When enough of the little t stuff builds up - the results is a capital T reaction with nothing real to point at for the cause. Does that make sense? I know this feeling though -- it's the one I've had the last few times I've acted out and lost sobriety. I am determined to not have that happen and so here I am.... :)
Fear: I went to the hip specialist today. Although a hip replacement is not necessary, his determination is that surgery is. Diagnosis: Femoral acetabular impingement. Basically, I have too much bone and it causes issues with my hip joint. How do you look for a job when you know you're going to have to have surgery? And he is saying the recovery time can be up to 9 months before full activity is allowed. 9 months? Hate this.
Shame: I'm ovulating. (you may want to skip this part.... brutal honesty here). From my early 20's ovulation was the worst time of the month for me. I have a period you can set a clock by, every 27 days, literally on a calendar I start my period every 27 days, no fail. I have very light, normal PMS - not a problem. Ovulation -- problem. I get worse cramps than during menstruation, enough vaginal discharge to feel like I'm bleeding, only it's clear, and the slightest thing can work me up. It's like my whole body is screaming "Impregnate me already!". You can imagine how fun that is for a sex addict. It's screaming pretty loud today and I feel super shameful about it tonight.
Anger: My mom gave me a hard time today on the phone about calling her. She answers the phone and gives me a hard time because I "haven't called in so long". Really? Do you check your messages? I left one on Monday, two days ago. I talked to you last week on Thursday. That is "so long" ago? I do feel better about today because I called her on it. When she started in, I actually said, "You know mom, I called earlier this week and left a message. I didn't hear back from you." And then just let it sit there. Result? The never ending self-shame. "I know, I'm a bad parent. I have so many things to get done at work, but my family really should come first. I'm sorry, I'll try harder." I can never win with that woman. Again - proud of myself. I didn't stop her, or interrupt or try to make it better. I just changed the subject. Good response? I don't know, but at least I stayed out of the drama.
Guilt: Still didn't call Kim about piano lessons. I just don't know if I want to take an additional 3 students. That is what is really driving this. I feel like I "should' do it. But I don't know if I want to. I need to make a decision tomorrow and do it.
Pain: I'm in physical pain tonight with my hip. The doctor today did all sorts of pushing and pulling and stretching,etc. It hurts. I hate it.
Loneliness: I sat in the living room tonight with my sister and didn't say anything about my hip, or mom, or anything at all. I have this huge emotional block with her. It felt lonely to sit there and know that she doesn't really care what happens to me or how I'm doing. I don't want to share my life with her either. Sharing has been so dramatic in the past, I have no desire to have that level of drama anymore. Yet - I hate the feeling of sitting there and being a stranger to my own sister. I've to figure this out.
Joy: All my piano students had good lessons today. They all practiced hard and made significant progress. I love days like that. It makes me joyful to see them enjoying what they are doing and learning so fast.
Love: One of my friends posted a picture tonight of her little son making a temple out of his hands. When they asked him what he was doing he said "making a temple like sister smith showed me. I love sister smith. Now sing the temple song." I, of course, loved it. I hate not having my own children, but LOVE the children in my ward and the awesome opportunity I have to teach them the gospel. I feel so close to them and am grateful for the love as well. I love that they associate me with things like temples and music and prophets and primary.
Passion: So I'm really hating reporting on this emotion and so I'm not going to. That will be my little act of rebellion tonight. LOL Wow -- I'm such a rebel.
Ok - going to bed. I might need to catch an extra SA meeting tomorrow. I'm just overwhelmed tonight. Finding a job, therapy, facing surgery, dealing with my mom and my family, feeling uncertain about my future, etc. A lot of anxiety and a lot of unknown. I don't deal with that well. Give me black and white, don't give me gray. I hate gray. I know it's the trendy color right now -- but I don't like it!
The question is - what is going on for me emotionally that I feel like isolating myself? Nothing major really happened today. I'm very good at recognizing Capital T Trauma, a car accident, a break-up, an episode with my family, a stressful situation at work. However, I'm NOT good at recognizing little t trauma, feeling overwhelmed or rejected, being pulled in too many directions, feeling bad about myself, etc. When enough of the little t stuff builds up - the results is a capital T reaction with nothing real to point at for the cause. Does that make sense? I know this feeling though -- it's the one I've had the last few times I've acted out and lost sobriety. I am determined to not have that happen and so here I am.... :)
Fear: I went to the hip specialist today. Although a hip replacement is not necessary, his determination is that surgery is. Diagnosis: Femoral acetabular impingement. Basically, I have too much bone and it causes issues with my hip joint. How do you look for a job when you know you're going to have to have surgery? And he is saying the recovery time can be up to 9 months before full activity is allowed. 9 months? Hate this.
Shame: I'm ovulating. (you may want to skip this part.... brutal honesty here). From my early 20's ovulation was the worst time of the month for me. I have a period you can set a clock by, every 27 days, literally on a calendar I start my period every 27 days, no fail. I have very light, normal PMS - not a problem. Ovulation -- problem. I get worse cramps than during menstruation, enough vaginal discharge to feel like I'm bleeding, only it's clear, and the slightest thing can work me up. It's like my whole body is screaming "Impregnate me already!". You can imagine how fun that is for a sex addict. It's screaming pretty loud today and I feel super shameful about it tonight.
Anger: My mom gave me a hard time today on the phone about calling her. She answers the phone and gives me a hard time because I "haven't called in so long". Really? Do you check your messages? I left one on Monday, two days ago. I talked to you last week on Thursday. That is "so long" ago? I do feel better about today because I called her on it. When she started in, I actually said, "You know mom, I called earlier this week and left a message. I didn't hear back from you." And then just let it sit there. Result? The never ending self-shame. "I know, I'm a bad parent. I have so many things to get done at work, but my family really should come first. I'm sorry, I'll try harder." I can never win with that woman. Again - proud of myself. I didn't stop her, or interrupt or try to make it better. I just changed the subject. Good response? I don't know, but at least I stayed out of the drama.
Guilt: Still didn't call Kim about piano lessons. I just don't know if I want to take an additional 3 students. That is what is really driving this. I feel like I "should' do it. But I don't know if I want to. I need to make a decision tomorrow and do it.
Pain: I'm in physical pain tonight with my hip. The doctor today did all sorts of pushing and pulling and stretching,etc. It hurts. I hate it.
Loneliness: I sat in the living room tonight with my sister and didn't say anything about my hip, or mom, or anything at all. I have this huge emotional block with her. It felt lonely to sit there and know that she doesn't really care what happens to me or how I'm doing. I don't want to share my life with her either. Sharing has been so dramatic in the past, I have no desire to have that level of drama anymore. Yet - I hate the feeling of sitting there and being a stranger to my own sister. I've to figure this out.
Joy: All my piano students had good lessons today. They all practiced hard and made significant progress. I love days like that. It makes me joyful to see them enjoying what they are doing and learning so fast.
Love: One of my friends posted a picture tonight of her little son making a temple out of his hands. When they asked him what he was doing he said "making a temple like sister smith showed me. I love sister smith. Now sing the temple song." I, of course, loved it. I hate not having my own children, but LOVE the children in my ward and the awesome opportunity I have to teach them the gospel. I feel so close to them and am grateful for the love as well. I love that they associate me with things like temples and music and prophets and primary.
Passion: So I'm really hating reporting on this emotion and so I'm not going to. That will be my little act of rebellion tonight. LOL Wow -- I'm such a rebel.
Ok - going to bed. I might need to catch an extra SA meeting tomorrow. I'm just overwhelmed tonight. Finding a job, therapy, facing surgery, dealing with my mom and my family, feeling uncertain about my future, etc. A lot of anxiety and a lot of unknown. I don't deal with that well. Give me black and white, don't give me gray. I hate gray. I know it's the trendy color right now -- but I don't like it!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Feelings 3.5
I had another pretty good day. Not a lot of negative emotions, which I'm grateful for. I met with my therapist and also attended group therapy. A lot of therapy today and I'm tired emotionally.
Fear: Reporting slips to group is hard for me. There is still a little bit of fear there about being too graphic or what they are thinking about me. However, it was easier than I expected tonight. I didn't feel shameful or guilty about them. They happened, I worked my recovery plan and things went well.
Loneliness: I just think this will always be part of my life. I feel lonely everyday at some point. However, today I was grateful about it. I am lonely, but I'm single and by myself. I think it would be worse to feel lonely while you're also in a marriage or a serious relationship. I'm lonely because I want a partner to be able to share my life with and have that support. Yet, I know so many in a marriage or relationship and they aren't getting that support and aren't able to really share their lives. I think I'd take my type of loneliness any day.
Pain: I listened to my friend (the one who recently disclosed to me about her husbands addiction) make excuses for not seeing a therapist or not taking steps to get help. I was in emotional pain for her, listening to her go through denial. I was there, in denial about everything for awhile. If you're not ready for help, then you're not ready. It just made me hurt a little bit for her.
Anger: I had a meeting at my old company today. It was good because I quickly remembered why I will never work there again. But it also made me angry to watch these incredible women continue to put up with the bad behavior from the CEO. He didn't talk to me, hardly looked at me. But he yelled at two of them while I was there and the tension in the office is horrible. Why is he allowed to get away with it?
Shame: After therapy today, I wanted a treat. I had these feeling of entitlement to food because I handled something difficult. There is a little bit of shame around that, as I start to recognize my food addiction issues more.
Guilt: Still haven't called Kim about piano lessons. Need to do that tomorrow. Should have done it Saturday.
Joy: I had this moment in therapy today of joy. Joy because my life is so much different than it was a year ago. My therapist stopped me and said -- can you believe we're having this type of conversation? We would never have had it a year ago. SO TRUE! I am joyful today about recovery.
Love: I shared my survival kit tonight at group. It's a collection of things to help me stay sober. I love the letter I wrote to myself that is in the kit. It starts " YO AMY!" Just reading that, makes me smile. There are several things in the kit that are very important to me and several things that help me stay sober. I love this kit. It has helped me so many times. My relapse contract is enough sometimes to snap me back into reality. But literally, opening the kit makes me feel love. Everything in the kit is love.
Passion: I dont' have passion right now.
Fear: Reporting slips to group is hard for me. There is still a little bit of fear there about being too graphic or what they are thinking about me. However, it was easier than I expected tonight. I didn't feel shameful or guilty about them. They happened, I worked my recovery plan and things went well.
Loneliness: I just think this will always be part of my life. I feel lonely everyday at some point. However, today I was grateful about it. I am lonely, but I'm single and by myself. I think it would be worse to feel lonely while you're also in a marriage or a serious relationship. I'm lonely because I want a partner to be able to share my life with and have that support. Yet, I know so many in a marriage or relationship and they aren't getting that support and aren't able to really share their lives. I think I'd take my type of loneliness any day.
Pain: I listened to my friend (the one who recently disclosed to me about her husbands addiction) make excuses for not seeing a therapist or not taking steps to get help. I was in emotional pain for her, listening to her go through denial. I was there, in denial about everything for awhile. If you're not ready for help, then you're not ready. It just made me hurt a little bit for her.
Anger: I had a meeting at my old company today. It was good because I quickly remembered why I will never work there again. But it also made me angry to watch these incredible women continue to put up with the bad behavior from the CEO. He didn't talk to me, hardly looked at me. But he yelled at two of them while I was there and the tension in the office is horrible. Why is he allowed to get away with it?
Shame: After therapy today, I wanted a treat. I had these feeling of entitlement to food because I handled something difficult. There is a little bit of shame around that, as I start to recognize my food addiction issues more.
Guilt: Still haven't called Kim about piano lessons. Need to do that tomorrow. Should have done it Saturday.
Joy: I had this moment in therapy today of joy. Joy because my life is so much different than it was a year ago. My therapist stopped me and said -- can you believe we're having this type of conversation? We would never have had it a year ago. SO TRUE! I am joyful today about recovery.
Love: I shared my survival kit tonight at group. It's a collection of things to help me stay sober. I love the letter I wrote to myself that is in the kit. It starts " YO AMY!" Just reading that, makes me smile. There are several things in the kit that are very important to me and several things that help me stay sober. I love this kit. It has helped me so many times. My relapse contract is enough sometimes to snap me back into reality. But literally, opening the kit makes me feel love. Everything in the kit is love.
Passion: I dont' have passion right now.
Faith
While reading last month's Ensign magazine this morning, I came across this quote:
"There is, however, a level of faith that not only governs our behavior but also empowers us to change what is and to make things happen that otherwise would not happen. I am speaking of faith not only as a principle of action but also as a principle of power. Paul stated that this was the faith by which prophets “subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens, [and] women received their dead raised to life again” (Hebrews 11:33–35). These are grand things—but in a way no greater than conquering a powerful addiction or other comparable obstacle to conversion and baptism.
Key to our obtaining power through faith is learning, asking, and acting according to the will of God. “Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” (Moroni 7:33)." Click here to read full article.
I love this message about faith and addiction. I love his use of the word "conquering". Addiction is something to be conquered. Although I know my addictions are something I will forever have to be conscious of, I do believe I can conquer them.
The Webster Dictionary defines Conquer in the following ways:
1. to gain mastery over or win by overcoming obstacles or opposition.
2. to overcome by mental or moral power
This feeds right into this quote:
"That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not because the nature of the thing has changed, but our power to do so is increased." -- Heber J. Grant
As I use my faith to govern my behavior and to empower myself to conquer my addiction, it will become easier. And eventually, if I endure, I will gain mastery over these things.
I will do what it takes to get there.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Feelings 3.4
Fear: I called a few people that I owe phone calls to. There is a little bit of fear as I reconnect and have to apologize for not calling on time, etc.
Anger: I wasn't really angry today, at anything.
Pain: My knee and hip hurt. I see the surgeon this week and hopefully an MRI later this week. I'm really hoping it's a labrum tear and a small surgery will fix it. I don't know what to do.
Shame: I don't think I felt any shame today.
Guilt: No real guilt
Loneliness: No real loneliness
Love: I loved reading the scriptures today. Christ appeared in America today in the scriptures. It was beautiful.
Passion: I enjoyed working today. I forget how much I like having a project and organizing things. It was a great day.
I had a really good day. Did a lot of work, exercised, followed my eating plan, had some good conversations. Was a great day.
Anger: I wasn't really angry today, at anything.
Pain: My knee and hip hurt. I see the surgeon this week and hopefully an MRI later this week. I'm really hoping it's a labrum tear and a small surgery will fix it. I don't know what to do.
Shame: I don't think I felt any shame today.
Guilt: No real guilt
Loneliness: No real loneliness
Love: I loved reading the scriptures today. Christ appeared in America today in the scriptures. It was beautiful.
Passion: I enjoyed working today. I forget how much I like having a project and organizing things. It was a great day.
I had a really good day. Did a lot of work, exercised, followed my eating plan, had some good conversations. Was a great day.
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