Mom

I have had no electricity at my house from about 6:30am - 2:30pm. I was tempted to just lay in bed, it is cold, and read. But inspired by the last few days and my true desire to be different, I didn't.  Thankfully, we have a gas water heater and gas stove.  I was able to take a hot shower and cook some breakfast. I went visiting teaching for an hour and spent the rest of the morning and afternoon cleaning my office.  It is one of the many things I keep saying I'm going to do, but don't. I keep saying, I want to be organized and have really clean space, but I don't do it. 

I should have taken and posted before and after pictures.  Seriously, the change was that dramatic.  One of the best parts was finding and reviewing one of my early recovery journals.  At some point in time, I need to burn those.  But not yet. 

While I was working on forgiving my dad, I started a list of all the contributions he had made to my life.  Though it filled a whole page, based on the different ink colors and textures, it didn't come all at once. I must have started and come back to it over and over again.  Funny thing is, until I saw it, I didn't remember making the list.  When I talk about forgiving my dad, I talk about it as a big miracle that happened one day in my life. Not so. According to my journal, I prayed and prayed about how best to forgive him. I had several listed options, several ideas of how to do it, several things I thought would help. One of them was the list.  It really did help. Looking at the positive contributions my dad made to my life were amazing.

Yesterday, during stake conference, one of the speakers said "I was born to a mother who loved the Lord." The spirit whispered to me "and so were you".  I have been praying about how to forgive my mom and how to accept the relationship we have. I want to keep myself healthy and still be able to love her.  And this is where I can start my list.

I was born to a mother who loved the Lord.

"The Hiding Place" is a book by Corrie ten Boom, a dutch woman who rescues and hides Jews during WWII. She is eventually caught and spends over a year in Nazi prisons. Upon her release, she tours Holland, Germany and other European countries speaking about forgiveness and sharing her testimony of the Savior. The book is an autobiography and is absolutely inspiring. 

During one of the last chapters she talks about speaking in Germany.  Afterwards, she is approached by one of the guards at the prison she was held captive in. He thanks her for her message and how grateful he is for the Savior.  He raises his hand to shake hers. She writes:

I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give Your forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand, a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this man that almost overwhelmed me. 
And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He commands us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.
 

I think that extends to forgiveness as well.  The commandment is that we are required to forgive all men. And when he commands that, he gives us the forgiveness as well, as a gift, if we are willing to receive it.

With my dad, I was willing to receive the gift. I desperately wanted to feel at peace with him before he passed. But in re-reading my journal today, I realized I did a lot of work to get there.  My mom has been a different situation. I have clung to some of the wrongs done to me. I have been full of resentment and anger towards her. I have been unwilling to "shake hands" like Corrie tells in her experience. My experience this weekend reminded me that my mom is truly amazing and has made some really amazing positive contributions to my life.  Probably the biggest one being that she loves the Lord. And out of her testimony and faith, mine was born.

Let the list and work begin.