5.5

Anger: None that I can think of.  Really, no anger today. That is good.

Fear: I shared my story tonight with group. I have read the long version probably 4 times to different people: my sponsor, therapist, and two SA groups. I have never been so scared to share it as I was tonight. Literally, my hands were shaking while I was reading it.  I didn't hold the paper because I didn't want it to be visible.  I'm glad it's over.

Shame: While sharing my story, a little bit of shame swept back in. Probably because I'm reading to spouses and not addicts. At least when you read to addicts they all shake their head because they've been there. And your therapist has to not reject you because you pay him. But these women could very well reject me. They didn't and I don't think they would, they are better people than that, but the shame of my life was still very real.

Guilt: No real guilt today. I got a lot done and had good appointments. 

Pain: Cramps -- but they should be over soon.

Loneliness: Reading my story reminds me of how very lonely I have been for most of my life. There was a period of time that I couldn't help it, but there was a period of time I chose it. Right now -- I wonder how much I choose and how much is just circumstance. I am surrounded by real people who know and love me. I don't have to choose fantasy to find support, acceptance or love, yet sometimes the pull is still very strong. Reading my story tonight reminded me of so many opportunities in my life I've lost because of my addictions. And I think the real question for me is -- will I always be like this? Will I always be lonely? Will I ever be able to overcome?  I don't know.

Love: My friend Tina brought me homemade soup today!  It was SO GOOD!  She loves me.

Joy: I made some serious progress in therapy this morning. It was such a good session all about multiple addictions and addiction interaction. It was fascinating and I made some serious connections.  It felt joyful to finally figure out some things about myself.

Passion: Nope.

Side note:  Reading about Steve today was incredibly triggering. There are sometimes I miss him terribly. I really did love him with everything in me. I want to hate him for what he did to me. If I could hate him it would probably be easier. But I can't. I've tried. Hate takes too much effort. I haven't been in contact with him for over 6 months. Contact with him means I have to reset my sobriety. He was a huge part of my life for 8 years and our connection was extremely powerful for me. It gets easier over time.... but today, not so much. Wherever you are Steve, I hope you are happy and are working at becoming healthier.