7.5

Anger: I have some residual anger at Steve that flared today during therapy. For a few moments I had that heated, hurt feeling and could feel that fight response kick in. I'm glad it passed. I really don't like being angry.

Fear: I had to have a hard conversation with my therapist today about something I did. I honestly thought for a few minutes prior to my appointment that I was going to have to find another therapist because he was going to fire me from being his client.  It was scary to me. The whole experience made me really appreciate more the guidance and direction that he has helped me find in my life. I owe a large portion of my recovery to him. 

Shame: Therapy was hard today. I am having to face down and really dig into the faulty core beliefs I have about myself. It's a layer very deep inside me. I'm struggling a bit with it. We talked about body image today and I shared some of the things I deal with.  There were years of my life I never looked in a mirror because I didn't want to engage in the negative self-talk that comes when I do. I would go to the bathroom at work or public places, or even in my own house and never look in the mirror.  As long as I didn't look, I could live in a fantasy world about what I looked like. I have a lot of shame around my body. I'm working through it, but talking about it today was difficult.

Guilt: I don't have a lot of guilt today. It was good.

Loneliness: Some. Again, therapy was hard. I hate admitting that I still love Steve. I had admitting that there is still a bond there that I'm working on breaking. I know it's unhealthy. I know it's not right. I know I will never act on it again. But it's still there.  I had to write this letter to him as part of my therapy homework and it's been difficult to recall the really good times we had. It makes me miss him.

Pain: No pain today.

Love: I was really anxious about my therapy appointment because I was afraid he was going to fire me. I shared my concern with my dear friend and she was amazingly supportive. I love her.

Passion: I'm aroused. I hate it. I hate that my body does that and I have no control over it. I hate that I see men and am triggered. I hate that during this time of the month, I have crazy thoughts about men in general. It's always been like that, but now the thoughts are triggering and I don't like it.

Joy:  I picked up a new piano student today and it was awesome.  She is going to be a joy to teach. :)