Feelings 5.3

Anger: I serve on a single adult committee for my stake. The co-chair told me today, he will again not be at the meeting. That makes several months in a row that I have had to run meetings and even plan and execute activities on my own.  It just upsets me. I get angry at him for leaving me to handle everything and not holding up his part of the deal.  So this gives me a great opportunity to practice not being co-dependent.  YAY!  :/

Fear: Another great opportunity to practice not being co-dependent. The conductor at choir practice tonight did something wrong. I said, not realizing it was loud enough for everyone to hear, "That's not the way it is written."  She freaks out on me - saying yes it is, and if your music doesn't say that, bring it down here and I'll fix it for you and going on and on and on about it. I was right - she was wrong. But it doesn't really matter.  For about 5 minutes I sat there in fear of what everyone else around me was thinking about me. And then I thought -- who cares. Who really cares what they think. AND who really cares who was right and wrong.  After rehearsal, I apologized to her for what happened and explained what I heard and why I said what I did. After listening to me, she said, "Oh. (long pause) Well it doesn't really matter if we sing it right or wrong as long as we all move together." Yes, I was right. I'm choosing not to dwell on it anymore though, or worry about what other people think of it.  Because honestly, it doesn't really matter.  :)

Pain: I think I am developing a cold. My head is kind of in cold fog today and my sinuses are a little painful.  Not happy about that.

Shame: I body-parted today for like 15 seconds before I stopped myself.  This is not typically something I have problems with. I was talking to my single male friend and had a moment of lust looking at his ears.  WEIRD, I KNOW!  But it is part of my thing.  Anyway -- literally 15 seconds and I totally stopped myself. But I will need to report it at group as a slip.

Guilt: I'm judgmental. I was thinking about that today particularly with my sister. I need to work on that.

Loneliness: Kind of. As much as I love working in primary, sometimes I ache for my own family. This little kid, Adam, got picked to help with the lesson. He's 4. He picked the paper and pretended to read it.  When she started helping him, he said, it's my turn to read. And he followed his finger along the words making things up as he went until he was done. It was ADORABLE! He ran to me after primary today and said, "Sister Smith, I need one of your hugs."  I love it and eat it up.  But sometimes, when I'm driving home alone, I feel lonely.  Today was one of those days.

Love: Sunday is one of the best days for me and this emotion. I get hugs from nearly every child in Primary. I feel the spirit as they sing and can feel how much Jesus loves them. When I first started in recovery and I felt so shameful and horrible, these children literally saved me. When I think about how much I love them and feel God's love for them, I am reminded that He feels that way about me. I consider every Sunday I get to spend with them a privilege.

Joy: I felt joy in the atonement today during sacrament meeting. "But if ye will turn to the Lord, with full purpose of heart and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." Mosiah 7:33  I'm starting to feel delivered from bondage.

Passion: Nope.

Done.