I had another pretty good day. Not a lot of negative emotions, which I'm grateful for. I met with my therapist and also attended group therapy. A lot of therapy today and I'm tired emotionally.
Fear: Reporting slips to group is hard for me. There is still a little bit of fear there about being too graphic or what they are thinking about me. However, it was easier than I expected tonight. I didn't feel shameful or guilty about them. They happened, I worked my recovery plan and things went well.
Loneliness: I just think this will always be part of my life. I feel lonely everyday at some point. However, today I was grateful about it. I am lonely, but I'm single and by myself. I think it would be worse to feel lonely while you're also in a marriage or a serious relationship. I'm lonely because I want a partner to be able to share my life with and have that support. Yet, I know so many in a marriage or relationship and they aren't getting that support and aren't able to really share their lives. I think I'd take my type of loneliness any day.
Pain: I listened to my friend (the one who recently disclosed to me about her husbands addiction) make excuses for not seeing a therapist or not taking steps to get help. I was in emotional pain for her, listening to her go through denial. I was there, in denial about everything for awhile. If you're not ready for help, then you're not ready. It just made me hurt a little bit for her.
Anger: I had a meeting at my old company today. It was good because I quickly remembered why I will never work there again. But it also made me angry to watch these incredible women continue to put up with the bad behavior from the CEO. He didn't talk to me, hardly looked at me. But he yelled at two of them while I was there and the tension in the office is horrible. Why is he allowed to get away with it?
Shame: After therapy today, I wanted a treat. I had these feeling of entitlement to food because I handled something difficult. There is a little bit of shame around that, as I start to recognize my food addiction issues more.
Guilt: Still haven't called Kim about piano lessons. Need to do that tomorrow. Should have done it Saturday.
Joy: I had this moment in therapy today of joy. Joy because my life is so much different than it was a year ago. My therapist stopped me and said -- can you believe we're having this type of conversation? We would never have had it a year ago. SO TRUE! I am joyful today about recovery.
Love: I shared my survival kit tonight at group. It's a collection of things to help me stay sober. I love the letter I wrote to myself that is in the kit. It starts " YO AMY!" Just reading that, makes me smile. There are several things in the kit that are very important to me and several things that help me stay sober. I love this kit. It has helped me so many times. My relapse contract is enough sometimes to snap me back into reality. But literally, opening the kit makes me feel love. Everything in the kit is love.
Passion: I dont' have passion right now.
Thank you so much for sharing your kit with us last night...you are so brave, and I love that. And we love you :) Thanks for giving me the courage to be honest about my own issues, as well.
ReplyDeleteAnd...it makes me feel bad for your coworkers who put up with that bully of a boss. So sad. Glad you got yourself into a good place in life where you no longer see accepting that kind of behavior as an option for you, and got out of that drama cycle. I can't imagine working in that hostility :( Actually, come to think of it, I kind of DID have a boss like that before..and the second I got a new boss, who showed love, concern, and support I blossomed in my position. Amazing :)
Thanks, Pam! I love you, too! You did an awesome job last night sharing your story. That was very brave. I was very encouraged by your honesty; it helps me want to be more honest as well.
DeleteThat man, my old boss, seriously needs a kick in the pants. But - they all had an opportunity to get out and didn't. I made my choice, just like they made theiir own. I people didn't tolerate his behavior, he wouldn't get away with it. That is one thing I have learned in recovery. People only do what they are able to get away with. Once we say, no more, their behavior has to change. It's quite empowering.