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As I've thought about this idea of rejection all day and the damage it has done to my life several waves of thoughts have circled about me. 

When I was teaching school, I was famous for sitting struggling students down and saying something like:  "Yes, your parents are screwed up, you came from a difficult situation. All valid points, all valid issues.  However, you have a choice. You can choose to repeat the pattern, drop out of school, work a minimum wage job your entire life, dress like a hooker and have three kids from three different men, OR you can stay in school, work hard, go to college on the government's dime because your mom makes no money and change your life. You have that choice."  Some of my students would bring their friends to me so I could give them the "Choice Talk".  I was good at it. I can site several examples of students who turned their lives around because of conversations we had. Why could I never do that for myself? As many times as I tried, I could never turn my life around. As I'm writing this the answer comes into my mind:  Because I was never thought my parents were screwed up.

If anything, my parents are shining examples within their own families. Seriously. They produced 6 intelligent, spiritual children. All their boys went on missions and one girl (me). All 6 are endowed and active at church. All three boys and one girl were married in the temple.  All 6 are college graduates, the first generation of college graduates on either side of the family.  I have vivid memories or family prayer and family home screaming... I mean evening.  (Screaming was my dad's favorite term for it.)  We went on family vacations and have some awesome family traditions. 

Comparatively, my parents were ideal.  My mom's three sisters, and nearly all my cousins on that side of the family have serious issues.  In two families, the kids were all sexually abused by their father's. One aunt has married and divorced the same man 3 times. There are four convicted sex offenders, and three convicted drug dealers. There are new stories of group sex, money stolen, physical assault and abandoned children nearly every week.  My dad's family is a little bit less dramatic, but still very dysfunctional. His parents gave him a business when they decided to move out of state, only to have the IRS take everything from him a few months later. My grandpa had never paid payroll taxes on the business for 7 years. My grandmother bitterly hated my mom and they were in constant fights. My grandfather was accused of sexually molesting his nieces, but no charges were ever made. I have an uncle with a serious pornography issue and he's very public about it. And an aunt with children from three men. Some of my cousins pulled it out and seem to be doing well.  Some, not so much.  There are bitter family feuds on this side that run very deep.  My grandmother was VERY controlling and there are still some serious issues there. 

When you take my family and put it up against that -- my parents look like saints.  I have always harbored a little bit of resentment towards my dad (thank you mom). For most of my life, I thought my mom was a saint and so did/does everyone else. When I struggled with her for whatever reason, I figured it was my fault. Everyone loved my mom. Seriously, everyone. She was the ideal Primary President, Young Women's President, Relief Society President and Seminary Teacher.  She was a rescuer of many youth and women in her wards. She would sacrifice everything if it meant saving someone. I followed her example. I am my mother's daughter.... with every muscle and bone in me.

I remember when I said that to my therapist:  I am my mother's daughter.  He laughed a little bit at me and said, that is interesting.  But it is true. Though I would resent my mother from time to time for all the pressure she put on me, I loved her and could never stay upset for very long. I didn't really start to see my mother for who she is until I started seriously looking at my own issues. 

Forgiving my dad was easy when I started to realize how screwed up my mom was. They are two people who had no good examples in their lives and tried with everything they had to do the right thing. For the most part they succeeded. But when the children left, they realized they didn't have a relationship.  Everything had revolved around the kids. Things went downhill fast. Very fast. When my mom tried to drag me into it, I went willingly. I loved my mom, how dare anyone mistreat her. When things didn't start adding up, my reality was shaken.  When I realized my dad was just reacting to my mom's craziness, my whole world was changed.

Now, I'm struggling with my mom. I want so much to love her. I want so much for things to be good between us, but they're not.  They are very strained. I've had to pull back in order to regain my own identity and to be a little more emotionally stable. She HATES it and feels at fault. Well, she is at fault, kind of.

My mom left me. Over and over and over again she left me. I did everything I knew how to do and then some, yet it was never enough. Not only that, my mom was very critical of me and never let me express emotions. I was never allowed to be sad or anxious. I was never allowed to be happy or playful. I remember her saying things like "you would sound pretty when you sang if you.....", "you aren't playing the piano correctly...", "you should have done...", "people would like you if....", "that is what you get when you say something stupid."  Yet, at the same time she would tell me I was the best child, her favorite even. I don't know.... the world was confusing as a child. Even as a teenager and even more so as an adult.  Worst of all, she turned me into the parent. She used me to get her needs met and never let me be a child.

I desperately want to forgive and love my mom, but I just don't know how.