Not happy about the fact that I left blogging go last night. No matter how tired I was, I should have blogged my feelings. It's one of the things I do that helps me process. I'm sad I didn't do that last night.
Fear: I got a call from my a high councilman in my stake yesterday for an interview for tonight. I spent 24 hours in fear of what he was going to call me to do. He's over the youth in our stake. Girl's camp? Seminary? Roadshows? Other stake calling involving the youth? These scare me to death. Not because I wouldn't like to do it, or be of service, or anything like that. But because I'm afraid of myself. Every time I do something like this, I lose myself. I'm a perfectionist, I want things to go perfectly. I want something amazing and I lose myself while doing it. Verdict: They want me to direct a youth musical fireside. I accepted. I'm scared.
Anger: No real anger -- frustration -- but no anger.
Loneliness: I want children. I felt lonely today as I attended my piano lessons. I want kids. I seriously want kids.
Shame: I ate out every meal yesterday. It wasn't the plan. It was good food, wasn't even junk food. Stayed within my calorie allotment and everything. Yet, I feel shameful about it.
Guilt: No real guilt today.
Pain: No real pain today.
Joy: Again, I had a great week of lessons. My students are really making progress! Love it.
Love: I had a really good discussion with a friend last night. At the end of the discussion she said to me, "I think I finally realize, that you are alone in recovery." She looked me in the eyes and said, "I am inspired by you. You are brave." I felt loved. I felt acknowledged. I felt like someone saw me for who I was, for my situation and loved me for it, found it brave even.
Passion: I have a passion for children. I want them to be happy. I want to teach them. I want to tell them how amazing they are. I love them.
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