Socks

Last night was the first night in nearly a week I slept solidly through the night.  Not only that, I laid down and was asleep in minutes.  No lingering fantasy, no temptation, no anxiety, just sleep.  I woke up this morning really searching and wondering what was different.  I definitely went to bed with the same level of anxiety I've had the last few days.  I didn't really change or do anything special.  I prayed, grateful for the break I was so desperate for.

When I went to get showered a little bit later, I realized I was wearing socks.  I NEVER wear socks to bed. I actually hate socks.  BUT - realizing that wearing socks to bed was the only thing I did differently, I'm going to wear them tonight, hoping for the same results. 

Do socks really have that much power?

Easy

I don't want to write tonight, which usually means I need to.

The last few nights have been really difficult. I wrote about how I started to plan an acting out episode on Sunday night after dropping my sister off at the airport.  Since then, the level of sexual energy or anxiety in my life is above my recovery baseline.  This is super triggering to me. I went to an extra meeting on Monday, and saw my therapist. Yesterday, I went to dinner with one of my recovery friends and posted in an SA discussion group hoping to surrender it.  Yet, for three nights now, I've nearly acted out.  I've been riding the line for three nights.  I've let myself get lost in fantasy and even started acting, but have stopped myself every time.  I've texted and made phone calls in the middle of the night reaching out for the help and support I need to get through it.  And I have gotten through it.

Yet - the energy or anxiety or whatever it is, isn't going away.  I have some ideas on what is causing it, but I'm tired of analyzing.  I just want it gone.  I don't want to have to work at it. I don't want to have to discuss it or write about it or figure it out.  I'm just tired of everything being so hard right now. I want something to be easy. I want something to change just because I want it.  Recovery has been hard for so long.... I just want a few easy things to deal with. 

I feel like I'm whining.  I probably am. So, I'll quit.
Goodnight.

Coincidence

The longer I live, the more convinced I am that absolutely nothing in this world is coincidence. Not one thing. 

My therapist gave me the assignment of trying to practice being sensual in a safe environment.  How in the world I was supposed to accomplish that, I couldn't say.  I don't feel safe in most public places. I don't feel safe with a lot of my friends. I have a sex addiction and sometimes the simplest little thing can set me off. But what scares me the most is getting triggered and coming home alone.  It's dealing with the triggers after the event that are most difficult. Anyway..... point being, I was supposed to practice.  One of my recovery friends (she would be my friend outside of recovery as well, she's that great) called me to catch up.  We had a great conversation and I asked if she would go out with me Saturday night so I could practice.  She was totally game.  (Thank you!!!)

I've been thinking about what we could do that would be triggering for me, yet somewhat safe as well.  Then yesterday, I get a very random text message from Nate, of course, not his real name.  When I first moved here about 5 years ago, he was my trainer at the local gym for just over a year.  I had a huge crush on him.  He has the most amazing voice, I could listen to him sing all day.  We developed a great friendship and went out a few times.  But we haven't talked or spoken in nearly two years.  He texts me yesterday and invites me to attend a play he's performing in locally.  He has the lead.  Coincidence?  Not at all.

So Saturday night, I will be getting all dressed up, with lots of makeup and cute clothes, going to dinner and a show with my friend.  Triggering?  Absolutely!  Just getting dressed up is triggering for me.  All of that kind of stuff before was linked to acting out.  Staring at a man I find incredibly attractive for 2 hours while he sings, another thing that is totally attractive to me, will be very triggering. Nearly every man I've dated have had incredible voices. I can't resist a man who can sing. And then, I get to come home and not act out. That is where the challenge will be. But one that I will rise to meet.

I've been really frustrated lately with the amount of sexual energy I have built up in my system. No matter how careful I am with thoughts, fantasy, images, etc., this energy just builds up in me.  I know it's sexual energy because it manifests in random thoughts like "I need an orgasm".  I've tried prayer, scriptures, meditation, reading, all sorts of things, and they help keep my mind focused on what I want, but the energy is still there.  As I was thinking about Nate a random memory popped into my head.

One day we were scheduled to work out. I had a really bad day at work and was REALLY frustrated with a family situation.  I showed up, but wasn't very excited to be there.  He looked at me, tilted his head to the side, kind of summing me up, and then this huge smile erupted on his face.  "We get to have an angry workout!" he nearly yelled.  I laughed at him.  What is an angry workout?  I soon learned.  After a workout that hard, I had no energy left to be angry.  It was awesome.  It helped remind me that you have to fight energy with energy.  If I have sexual energy I need to dissipate, I need to do something physical.  Walk, Run, Workout, Work in the yard, whatever it is.  Fight energy with energy, Nate used to tell me all the time.  Coincidence?  Nope.

One more....  I've been talking lately with my therapist about this idea that I need to re-engage socially.  I need to attend events and start to meet new people.  I've been out of the social scene for so long, it's time I re-engage, especially if I ever hope to be in another relationship.  Over the past 48 hours I've had 6 different invites to social events coming up in the next 2 weeks.  These are all singles events, where all those in attendance will be single.  Coincidence?  Not even close.

Nothing is coincidence.  Nothing. 

Emotions

Today was a relatively good day.  Between my physical therapy, individual therapy, nutritional therapy, and the SA meeting I attended, you would think I would be emotionally worn out.  Seriously, I will never schedule all those appointments in the same day again.  Not sure what I was thinking there.  Yet, as I sit here tonight, I feel anxious.  I have this general undercurrent of emotion going on.  Using my "Core Emotions" tool, let's see if I can get it figured out.

Anger:  Don't really remember anger today. 

Fear:  During my nutritional therapy today, I said something that totally came out wrong.  I had an actual nutrition question. We talk about actual nutrition, but not all the time.  I said something like, "Can we do some actual nutrition work today?"  After it came out of my mouth, I realized it could totally be taken the wrong way and be offensive to my amazing nutritional therapist.  I felt HORRIBLE.  I started crying and was totally overcome with emotion, as I tried to tell her that I didn't mean it that way and that I really valued the work that we had done together.  Afterwards, she explained she was going to be gone for two weeks in December and we probably didn't need to get back together until early January.  I was/am feeling fearful and shameful about it.  It kind of felt like she didn't want to see me again for awhile.  What if she feels horrible about it?  What if she thought I was trying to discredit the amazing work I feel like I've done with her.  She text me tonight and said everything was all good.  Why can't I trust that? Why do I still feel scared about it. 

Shame:  I started fantasizing last night while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep.  I talked about it today and made support calls, but I'm still feeling shameful about it. My fantasy wasn't even sexual. It was just making up someone to talk to.  But I know if had let it continue, it would end up sexual.  And fantasizing at all is VERY dangerous for me.  I feel shameful about it.  I wanted to masturbate last night -- seriously wanted an orgasm. I just wanted a release. I feel the same way right now. I want a release. I'm kind of worried about sleeping tonight. 

Guilt:  I have a lot to do for school and for my client and just around the house and I didn't make as much progress today as I would have liked. 

Loneliness:  I miss my dad today. I miss the relationship I had with my mom before I knew we were both crazy.  I miss my nephews who were here last week.  I miss my family.  I miss social gatherings. Part of me wants to retreat. Life would be easier, less painful, if I lost myself in silly romance movies, books and fantasy. I could masturbate when I wanted and not have to worry about interacting with others.  Though, I know that wouldn't alleviate my loneliness.  Then part of me wants to jump into dating again feet first with abandon and find someone to kiss.  I miss kissing.  I really would like to just kiss again.  It's been nearly two years since I held hands, cuddled with or kissed anyone.  When you're single -- sexual sobriety feels a lot like sexual anorexia.  I started crying writing that sentence.  I'm really scared about how lonely I feel right now in my life.  I'm scared I'll never make a connection again but I'm equally scared of making a connection.  How can I ever tell anyone I'm a sex addict?  What would that conversation even look like?  "Oh yeah -- by the way -- I just wanted to let you know I'm a recovering sex addict, who attends two meetings a week and going to therapy on a weekly basis.  Does that work for you?"  I know what a double-edged sword that is.  I've used that when flirting before.... "you know, I think I might be a sex addict... what do you think?"  Yet, I also know how deadly those words can be in the mind of the wrong man.  I don't feel like I can win in this situation.  I have a hard time I'm believing I'm worth the trouble.  I guess that is where I end up.  Am I worth the trouble?  Is someone going to really like me enough to deal with my past?  Are they going to be willing to go to therapy appointments with me when needed?  Is he going to be supportive when I need it?  How can I feel worth that? 

Pain:  My hip really hurts tonight.  So does my knee.  I've got to be more diligent about my exercises and things. 

Joy:  No real joy today. 

Passion:  No real passion today either. 

Love:  I talked with my therapist today about some of the entitlement issues I've had and some of the angst I've had towards Heavenly Father about Steve and answers I feel I've gotten in the past.  I've written about them before.  It was good to talk about them out loud.  I haven't done that before.  When I prayed about marrying Steve, I wasn't acting out. I wasn't in addiction. I was very serious about it and was in a good spiritual place, at least I felt that way.  The answer was always this incredible peaceful feeling with the reassurance that everything would be OK.  I always got up from those prayers with that feeling -- everything will be OK.  I thought the answer meant I would get the fairytale wedding I wanted.  Of course, I didn't know then that Steve was married. But Heavenly Father did.  Rather than give a No answer, one that I would probably have been extremely resentful about and not understood, He loved me enough to give to the peace and knowledge that everything would be OK.  And you know what?  Everything is OK.  I'm going to make it through this and be a better person because of it.  That is love.  And for that love, I will be forever grateful. 

Entitlement

At my last therapy appointment, it was suggested that I had some entitlement issues around acting out.  Not wanting to set me off or upset me, I think my therapist used a soft sell on the concept.  I knew right away, he was right. 

I dropped my little sister off at the airport about an hour ago.    My family is so stressful.  The amount of anxiety that builds up in my system when I spend this much time with them is unreal.  On the drive home, I wanted to talk.  I wanted to blow off some steam, and vent about everything going on. I wanted someone to say "Wow!  Look at how well you handled all of that!"  or even just the validation of "Yes, your family is crazy!"   For about 30 minutes I need it to be about me and not about the craziness of my family.  I called two of my friends and left messages.  When I finished my second message and hung up the phone, I was kind of blown away with the thoughts that ran through my head. 

     I should get online and find someone to talk to.
     It would be easy, I know what to say.
     I really want an orgasm.
     I handled things really well, everyone went home happy, I deserve this.

The last one is what really stopped me in my tracks.  I deserve this?

I deserve a life of addiction? One governed by secrets and lies?  I deserve to be used and disrespected?  I deserve the heartache and pain I've experienced through all of this?  I don't think so.  I made some wrong choices, sure, but I don't deserve this. 

I deserve....

• to be treated with respect.
• to feel loved.
• to be accepted for who I am and not judged.
• to feel free to share my opinion.
• the freedom to make mistakes and learn.
• the security to try new things and fail.
• to know I can trust people.

When I take time to reflect in moments like these, I am filled with gratitude.  I remember clearly when those thoughts in my head were my reality. I would plan acting out encounters around my family gatherings and events. Though physically and emotionally present during family time, I wasn't myself.  I sacrifice who I am when I am around them. I become this other person to meet all of their needs, to keep the peace, to make things right and to fix things.  I don't share with them who I am.  I've never been able to do that. I needed acting out to find myself again. I needed the acknowledgement that I was not my family. Each new man I chatted with online or on the phone was my rediscovering myself.  As I explained who I was and talked with them, I found myself again. They were the people in my life I was most honest with about who I was. I wasn't scared they would run away or reject me.  I didn't really care if they did.  They weren't real.  I put myself out there whole-heartedly.  I had several of them talk about how sexy my confidence was.  Why can't I be that way in person?

I am grateful I don't have to turn to acting out to find myself again.  I'm grateful that I was able to not really lose myself this week.  There were moments I felt lost, trust me, but they weren't consuming, nor were they long episodes.  I am grateful to have a better sense of self. 

Normal

Sometimes I forget that really, I'm the rational one.  I remember well the day my therapist ranked the level of dysfunction in my family....

"Well Amy, based on what you have told me, and on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being no dysfunction, which doesn't exist by the way, and 10 being the craziest I've ever seen in all the work I've done as a therapist, I've have to rate your family a 8 or 9.  Probably a 9, well I'll say an 8 because I've never actually met any of them.  Yep an 8."
 

An 8?  I was blown away.  An 8!  My family?  There was no physical or sexual abuse in my family.  There was no constant threat of violence.  My parents aren't even divorced!  There wasn't even a family death until my grandmother 3 years ago.  An 8!  I remember sitting there in shock.

"The average family is probably a 3 or a 4.  Everyone has some dysfunction.  The families of addicts usually range from 5 to 7."

All the boys in my family went on missions.  Every adult is temple worthy and endowed.  We all attend church regularly.  There hasn't been a single year that we haven't all gotten together for some holiday or event.  I adore my nephews.  They are incredible young men and my niece is amazing!  How in the world could we be an 8??

And then something happens, like the drama that has been unfolding over the past few weeks.  As things play out and the inner conflict arises about what I should do and who I am and my responsibilities, I very quickly get wrapped back up in the crazy making that is my family.  The familiar dialog starts....  They all think this is normal.  They all seem to be OK with what is happening.  No one else seems to think there is anything wrong.  All of these thoughts lead to the same conclusion.  This must be normal and I'm the crazy one. 

That is how I got to where I am.  I've known the whole time, from the beginning of my addition that what I was doing was wrong, addictive, and would not get me where I wanted to go.  However, I also felt like I was the crazy one and everyone else was normal.  There was no hope I could ever be normal, and so I made the choices I did.

"Amy, your life was really the perfect storm.  You chose what you did because you had very limited options."

That doesn't make it right, but it is nice to feel some validation about your choices in life. 

The point of this rambling is to remind myself that I am not crazy. That what has been going on and the pressure of my family is not normal.  I am not responsible for them. I do not have to do what they ask or demand.  My life is not their life, my things are not their things, they do not get full access to me just because they are my family.  I do not have to fix their lives, even if they ask me to.  If my mom chooses to spend Thanksgiving alone, it is not my fault, no matter what anyone says.  I am not responsible to do an intervention with my mom.  I have been in recovery for nearly 18 months and am making significant progress. I know what boundaries are and how important they are in my life.

I grew up feeling crazy. I have, for my entire life, felt like I didn't fit in.  I have felt desperately lonely, left out and broken.  Today, however, I recognize that I was a lost little girl, trying to adapt to what was going on around her. I was OK. I am OK. And what they are doing and how they live is not how I am going to live or how I want to be. I am grateful that I can make that choice today.

Today, I choose to be normal. 

Meetings

Oh - and did I say yesterday that I was grateful for SA meetings?  If not - let me say it now:  I AM GRATEFUL FOR SA MEETINGS!!!!

I went this morning to my women's meeting and feel better.  Way better.  I am reminded of so many things when I spend time with those women who face similar addictions in their lives.  It was great. I am grateful for them.  Things will get better.

Gratitude

I'm starting to feel really sad tonight.  A big part of it is self-pity. Holidays are a hard time for me in general.  I'm starting to feel sorry for myself for a million reasons............

Last time I worked myself up like this, my sponsor pointed out that I was stuck in comparison mode.  She encouraged me to start listing things I'm grateful for about my life when I started getting this way.  Here goes:

1. My computer with my big double monitors that allow me to work.
2. My kindle and the great books that there are to read.
3. Coke Zero -- seriously the best stuff for a headache.
4. Health -- I am healthy. I'm not on any medications nor have any chronic problems.
5. The color orange -- it makes me happy.
6. Cute jeans.
7. Financial Security
8. My therapist -- seriously would not be alive without him.
9. My physical therapist -- My hip has gotten so much better with his help
10. Primary Music
11. My piano
12. My ability to play the piano
13. My handwriting -- I have GREAT handwriting and love to write
14. My cute bedroom
15. My house
16. The gospel -- I'm grateful to know the eternal plan and purpose of my life on earth
17. Nephew #1
18. Nephew #2
19. Nephew #3
20. Nephew #4
21. Nephew #5
22. Niece #1 -- Born on my birthday -- she's my birthday buddy!
23. The scriptures - particularly Nephi and his experiences
24. Joseph Smith - my great, great, great, great uncle
25. My dear friend Tina
26. My freedom
27. Recovery
28. SA - and all my recovery friends in SA
29. My home teacher -- seriously an amazing guy who has visited me once a month for 4 years
30. College Education
31. Mathematics -- numbers never lie
32. Music -- I love music and couldn't bear a life without it
33. My nutritional therapist -- she is amazing
34. My car -- it works, I love it, it's paid for :)
35. The temple and the peace I feel there
36. Things I need - even when I don't know I need them
37. Good pens to write with - office supplies in general. :)
38. Healing -
39. The Atonement - the fact that I know I will see my dad again
40. My sponsor - who really helps me learn what it means to be in recovery
41. My friends -- those that truly have helped and supported me throughout my life
42. My family -- I am grateful for them and all the craziness.  They help me learn.
43. XBox games -- they provide the small bit of escape I allow myself these days.
44. My talents and gifts -- I have many and am grateful for them.

It's helpful. I don't feel so sorry for myself anymore. I'll keep working on it.

Disappointed

Well.... Thanksgiving is over.  I am still sober in both addictions and feel like I did more than just survive this holiday.  I'm grateful for that.

There is so much going on in my soul today. Sometimes, when I get worked up like this, I wonder how I ever lived so many years always an emotional breakdown ready to happen.  I'm grateful that today, I at least have an outlet and know what to do to handle so many of the issues facing me.  I do need to claim a little bit more emotional stability and know that only happens when I empty my emotional cup.  So here it goes....

My brother, his wife and two boys arrived last Sunday and left this morning. It has been glorious! I love them so much.  We had so much fun driving around, playing Xbox and Rummikub, shopping, talking, and just hanging out. It was so much fun. I miss them so much. It makes me want to move to Utah. I had some really good discussions with my brother about a variety of things. At one point in time I was contemplating a full disclosure to him. I know he had a porn problem in high school and my mom told me a few years back that he still does.  There are a few things I have seen that support that. His Internet is locked down and only his wife has the password.  Also, he made a comment that he used to go to this exercise class at work, but was uncomfortable with what the women were wearing.  However, no disclosure was made.  It didn't feel safe and so I didn't do it.  I was disappointed.

My little sister arrived yesterday and is staying under Sunday night. I love my sister, and sometimes I forget how much she annoys me.  She made all these plans with friends while she was here, but didn't ask to use my car.  She showed up and said she was going to borrow my car. Ummmm, ok? She challenges you on everything and when she doesn't agree with your reasoning, she makes fun of you or says things under her breath. I bought new pans at a Black Friday deal at Target. I got them specifically because they were dishwasher safe.  She kept making comments over and over again about how they won't last as long if you wash them in the dishwasher, etc.  I'm annoyed with her and she's only been her 24-hours.  It's disappointing.

My older sister was a hermit the entire time the family was here. She worked during the day, but even when she came home at night she went to her room and hid herself. My brother commented on it several times. She didn't really help plan anything and wasn't engaged with the boys.  It was disappointing to watch.

There has been some family drama with my mom and one of my brothers. I really wanted to refrain from discussing it or making it part of my holiday. My mom tried to drag me into it and I didn't respond to her about it because I just can't do that level of drama and anxiety in my life anymore.  Yet, I found myself talking about it all the time.  Not only that, I felt a few times like I was adding to the drama. I didn't like that feeling and stopped immediately.  I was disappointed in my behavior over the week.  When my mom called today, she was guarded.  Yesterday, she didn't even call or talk to me. I called and left her a message, but she didn't respond.  She called all of my siblings who were at my house, but didn't call me.  I was sad and hurt, actually.  I blew it off while all the kids comments on it, but today, I'm upset about it. 

Three nights ago I had a dream about Steve. We ran into each other at a grocery store. It was a store I'm familiar with in California, though I've never been there with him. He wanted to spend some time together, to go to dinner, and just be friends. I was particularly guarded, in my dream, and kept telling him I didn't see the point of doing that, yet could feel that with the right words or right touch I wouldn't be able to say no. I did say no though. I held my ground and didn't spend time with him. I woke up both proud of myself for saying no even in a dream, yet disappointed in myself for missing him like crazy.  I have no pictures of him, or email, or letters, or texts or anything.  I even burnt most of the journal writings I had about him from the last three years. Seeing him again, even in a dream, was difficult.

I turned in my final project for one of my MBA classes only to have it returned. There are four out of twelve sections I have to re-write.  Disappointing. 

I'm starting to realize I have a lot more work to do around my family than I understood. I'm still very co-dependent with them. I did better, way better than I have in the past, but still have a long way to go. I kept up some of my personal stuff while they were here, but most I didn't.

Last Thanksgiving, I was living in Utah. Thanksgiving was one of the last times my dad left the house.  We went to my brothers house and had dinner. It was fun, but dad wanted to leave almost immediately after dinner. It was one of the last times he walked by himself. It made me miss him. My mom spent the holiday alone. Not because she didn't have other options, she did, but because she chose to. That was hard to watch as well.

I'm glad Thanksgiving is over.

Rambling

Jumble of thoughts and feelings today. I need to focus though, so I'm going to see if I can get these all out.

Had to face my sexual anorexia this week. In order to not act out, I avoid everything remotely sexual or romantic.  Seriously. I don't want movies or TV that has a love story, can't read books with one, avoid dressing up or going out.  I've completely socially disengaged. I have a few friends I do very tame things with, dinner and an occasional movie.  I know it's not the healthy approach, but it is what has gotten me through so far.  After my big jealousy outburst last week, my therapist recommended practicing feeling sensual.  How the hell do you do that?  I've been thinking about it all day and have no answer that doesn't lead to acting out.  But I have to find one.

It was pointed out to me by my sponsor that my jealousy rage this week was rooted in comparison. I thought about that a lot. I am comparing myself to everyone around me. I am calling everything I see normal, and my life dysfunctional. The longer I let that idea sink in and tear apart how I was feeling, I've come to a new conclusion. I'm scared. Terrified is a better word for it.  I'm terrified that I will never have another relationship or sexual experience.  It makes me sick to think that my only relationship and sexual experiences will be addictive ones.

My therapist also pointed out that I have some entitlement issues.  That is not a surprise to me, though he seemed to be surprised by it.  He gave me an explanation about how sometimes it's difficult to see the entitlement connections between thought and action.  It's not hard for me really. 

I felt completely rejected by LDS men, thus abandoned by God, so I started searching for people who would accept me, thus my online personal ad endeavors.  I maintained these complex friendships with LDS men and used other men to get my emotional and physical needs met.

I play the hero role in my family and navigate a difficult situation while keeping everyone happy and engaged. I do all of that, with no acknowledgement or consideration of how I feel. So afterwards, I deserve to be taken care of, whether through fantasy and masturbation or by acting out with someone. 

When I was contemplating marrying Steve, I prayed and prayed and prayed about it. I never felt anything but peace about the whole situation. I'm experienced with the Spirit and have received answers to many prayers.  When the whole marriage disclosure happened, I was very angry with God.  How could I feel peace about it when he was married?  I don't always feel Heavenly Father has my best interest in mind, or better phrased, I'm afraid He's going to ask me to do really hard things that I don't want to do, like be alone the rest of my life, never have my own children, etc.  While writing that I thought to myself, cause having an addiction is an easy thing to do?  This issue is complicated between my head and heart.

Enough for now... I don't want to cry anymore today.  I am so tired of crying this week. 

Texas

..... that is where I should be this weekend. I should be at the Circuit of The Americas watching the Formula 1 race. But I can't go. Not because the tickets are outrageous priced (which they are) or because I can't afford the plane ticket or anything like that, but because Steve will be there.  Formula 1 was our thing. I've always loved car racing, but I was more of a Nascar junkie prior to Steve. He is at the track for the weekend and I can't risk running into him.  He even text me a picture of his tickets last night. I didn't respond and called my sponsor to check in and let her know he contacted me.  Then I went to my SA meeting this morning and shared my feelings about the whole thing.  One of the members shared after me and said he wished he could take a baseball bat to "that guy's head".  Thank you.  Me, too.

Enjoy the race, Steve. I'm not even going to watch it on TV. Actually, I quit keeping up with Formula 1 about 6 months ago when I said goodbye to you. It's triggering and I don't need to invite triggers into my life, enough come with no effort on my part.

Affirmations

Just a few weeks ago I wrote and started reading some daily affirmations.  It was like the universal message of the week. At my individual, group, nutritional AND physical therapy appointments, each therapist talked about affirmations. When that happens, I take it as a sign and do something about it.

To be honest, affirmations have always felt a bit silly to me.  I had an uncle that swore by them. When I visited their house when I was younger, I noticed that in every bathroom, on every mirror there were a series of cards taped that had, what I thought, were silly things to say to yourself.  Stuff like "You always close the deal" and "Everyone is interested in what you have to say". Now, of course, I realize he was in sales.

To help with my new task, I reviewed several websites about how to write and use affirmations effectively.  It was enlightening. Using one of the techniques, I narrowed down four particular areas I struggle with: feeling good enough, anxiety, feeling healthy, and loving myself.  I then came up with three affirmations in each category that spoke to me about particular things I struggle with. 

When I first started reading them I kind of felt weird, but they have had almost an immediate effect in my life. "I am calm and relaxed in every situation" has been particularly helpful. As I drive or when I find myself in stressful situations or in circumstances I don't feel capable of handling, I repeat it in my mind several times. Putting a little bit of distance between myself and the emotion allows me to think more clearly and it truly does allow me to feel calm and relaxed. 

"I am a physically active person and that helps me reach and maintain my ideal weight".  I have lost 6 lbs in the first two weeks of this month. Not because I'm dieting or am crazy about exercise or anything like that.  Just because I am more physically active and because everyday I tell myself "My body is healthy and functioning in a very good way."  Seriously -- this feels like magic sometimes.

When I find myself being judgemental, "I am worthy and so is everybody. I love all." comes into my head. I don't try to remember these affirmations at moments when I'm critical, they just come into my head. When you read them enough times they start to become part of your thinking. I've known that, or that has at least been told to me, but I have never experienced it like this before. 

My personal favorite:  "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." (Preach My Gospel, pg. 52)   I feel there is a lot of things that are unfair about life. A lot. Life was never intended to be fair, I get that. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  What has made it easier? Feeling connected to my Savior.  Just this morning I said during prayer, "I don't want to feel lonely today, please stay with me." He did. All day. And for that, I am grateful.

Affirmations have made a huge difference in my life in just three short weeks. 

Goodbye

Dear Steven,

Though we haven’t talked in months, I have been continually haunted by aspects of our relationship. I need and want to say my final goodbye and move on.

I want to start by thanking you for the things that I learned from you. Before we met, all of my intimate experiences had been addictive, sometimes borderline abusive. You had a respect and love for me and my body that I didn’t have, or even knew existed. My intimate experiences changed when we met. I am grateful for that. I am also grateful for your support through some very difficult moments in my life. We were always crisis friends.  I honestly don’t think I would have survived some of those times without you. I appreciate that more than I can express.  Finally, coming clean with me about your marriage took courage. You could have disappeared again and left me wondering for years. It took nerve to be honest with me and tell me what was really going on. Ours was a powerful and important relationship in my life for many reasons. I have learned so much through this about who I am, who I am becoming, and what I want my life to be. I thank you for that. 

However, the door on our time together has closed. At first, I didn’t want that to be true. I wanted to be able to keep all the positive aspects of our relationship alive. But the more time that has passed, the more I realize they weren’t so positive. For seven years you lived a lie with me. You led me on, manipulated me, and made promises to me about the life we would have some day. When I got frustrated because I couldn’t make sense of things, you let me believe I was the problem.  You even led me to that conclusion most of the time. I went a little crazier every year, really believing that I wasn’t enough, that I was broken, flawed, and that no one could possibly love or commit to me. Even after I knew the truth, you would take the emotional anger I had towards you and redirect it towards me and my family. By that time I was so bonded with you, I believed everything you said. You took advantage of that. You took advantage of me.

There was a time I really thought I couldn’t be happy without you. But that time has passed. We have always said our relationship was magical. There were times I felt you were truly a gift from God in my life. And I still believe that. I was headed down a very destructive path when I met you. In many ways, our relationship stopped me from sliding further. But now, it has been holding me back from moving on and pressing forward. I don’t want to be stuck here anymore, revisiting this relationship over and over again, beating myself up unnecessarily. Truth is, you did this to me, and I don’t want a relationship of any kind with someone who wrecks this kind of damage in the lives of people he claims to love.

Goodbye, Steven. I do forgive you for all of it. I hope you will forgive my part in it as well. As I move forward with my life, I know there will be times when memories resurface and I think of you. When that happens, I will smile for all the good times, say a quick prayer of continued forgiveness, and let it go. 

Take care of yourself, Steven.

Amy

Thoughts

My mind is spinning a million directions. I need it to stop so I can focus on what needs to be done.  Thoughts in completely random order:

• I started listening to Christmas music today. I LOVE Christmas music. It was fun to get it all out and start listening again.
• My little sis called me five times today and wanted to talk about things. Each time, I had to cut her off so i could get things done. I think she would just talk all day if I didn't end the conversation. I miss her.
• My big sis didn't have school today. She kept asking me all day today if there was something wrong. Yes there is -- leave me alone.
• She also is going to Australia next year. She bought her plane ticket on Saturday. I'm going to have to listen to her talk about it for the next 8 months. She can't stop talking or freaking out about it... what should I do? what should I wear? what if my flight gets delayed? what if I end up stranded? SHUT UP ALREADY! You're an adult -- you'll figure it out!  People travel overseas all the time and somehow they make it back, even with delayed flights and messed up travel plans.
• I'm on my period, craving sugar like crazy. I'm ornery, angry, and have cramps. I'm tired of having periods. I cried for the first two days and today I just want to yell at everyone.
• My knee really hurts. I got it treated at physical therapy this morning, but it still aches.
• I'm freaked out about finding a job. I'm starting to get a little panicky.  The thing is, I haven't really been looking very hard. I really thought and feel this one I've got cooking at the local college is going to come through. I just have to be patient and I'm not very good at that.
• I want to run away today. I'm feeling too much pressure between school, consulting, family issues, looking for a job, therapy and recovery, and the emotional stress I've had recently, I want to run away. I feel like too much is being asked of me. I can barely manage what I have.
• I've been really working hard lately. Not watching so much TV, getting lots done, but I just don't feel like I can catch up. My yard needs work, my office needs work, I've got assignments to write, presentations to give tomorrow at my consulting job, resumes to write, primary to plan, Thanksgiving to plan, and a number of other things.
• I made the mistake of reading my friends blog today and looked through pictures of her and her adorable family. I don't know what it is about kids and families this last week, but I seriously need to stop torturing myself with it. 
• I need to re-engage socially and begin dating again. I want to, but it scares me to death.
• My house is freezing! I fight with my sister all the time about how warm the house is. She doesn't want the thermostat any higher than 62 -- YES, 62!  I'm freezing! I want it at 68, but would compromise at 65!  I hate it.
• I've got to get off this negative kick. I've got to break through and find peace again. I was doing so good until last week. But I've got to find a way to come down from this negative place.

Primary

So it happened today -- my calling as the Primary President. Well, I guess the call wasn't really extended. It was more like the preliminary calling?

Long story short - the bishopric feels like I should be called as the new Primary President. The stake said no. I have a stake calling and so all ward callings have to be approved by them. The bishopric still feels like I should be called, so the bishop explained the situation to me today and asked if I would be willing to do both. I asked him for a few days to think about it.

I kind of knew this calling was coming. I have felt the pull on and off over the past few weeks. I've even blogged about it before. My first thought was to accept. Of course I would be willing to do it, particularly if that is where the Lord feels I should be. But tonight, I'm leaning towards saying no.

Main reason: I don't want to give up teaching music. I love it. I get 20 minutes every week where I get to teach the gospel to these amazingly wonderful children. I love them so very much. I will get to do that as a president, but I also have to deal with all the administrative stuff. As the chorister, it's just fun with no worrying about teachers or activity days or scouting or anything like that. Just music and doctrine. 

Second reason: I do have a lot of other things going on, most of which are church related. I was asked to produce and director the youth musical in the spring and I serve on the Single Adult Committee, as secretary. I need to find a job and work my recovery. This week I have felt overwhelmed for so many reasons and in so many different areas.  Adding an additional calling to my life probably isn't the smartest thing to do right now.

What I really feel, though, is conflicted. I've been a primary president before. I loved it, man I loved it. I lived for the weeks I got to teach sharing time. I loved being able to teach children the doctrine. That calling, quite literally, saved my life. As hard as it is to admit, I was the Primary President during the height of my sexual addiction. I stopped doing many things because I knew I would have to face my kids the next day. Primary songs saved me from doing certain things at certain times. I truly felt the calling was a gift from Heavenly Father. It kept me from sinking further into a destructive lifestyle. And it allowed me to feel the Spirit every week.

So tonight's question is: To be or not to be... the Primary President? 

Jealous

I'm having a jealous day.... really a jealous week, I suppose.  It started earlier this week at group therapy.  At check-in each week, I listen to all the women in group talk about how they're doing sexually. I don't have sex. I won't have sex until I'm married, if that ever happens. Listening to them talk about connecting (or not) with their husbands every week is triggering for me. I am jealous of their ability to feel sexually.  I can't let myself go there. And if I never get married, I'll never have sex, never feel sexually again, and may never understand healthy sexuality. It very well may be that my only sexual experiences are addictive ones. Sad.

Then one of my best friends in my ward had a new baby. All was well and she and the new baby are home now. I was jealous that she gets to be a mother again.  Another one of my friends announced a pregnancy..... jealous, I want to be pregnant and be a mommy.

Every time I got on FaceBook this week there were new pictures of families..... jealous, I want a family.

Two friends came over for dinner and talked about the renovation they are planning to their home..... jealous, I want to own a house and have some roots down.

Went to dinner last night with some friends. I have not dressed up to go out or to dinner for a long time, but last night I made an effort. Just dressing up made me feel a little flirty. At the restaurant my friend was checking men out and commenting right and left.  Soon I found myself doing the same thing. I haven't done that for so long. It felt foreign, but fun. I didn't realize how triggered I was until I woke up with sex dreams in the middle of the night.... jealous that I can't do that anymore.

Jealousy always leads me back to loneliness. I have been so lonely this week. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm tired of living this life by myself. Friends are good and fun. And I have many of them. But it's not the same. I want a family.  I try to be content. I get involved with the children and families around me. I reach out and help when I can. I go places with friends. I even travel with friends or on my own. It's not like I sit around and pine away. But sometimes it just gets to me. And today is one of those days. 

Single?

My mom just posted this one Facebook:

To go or not to go...a Thanksgiving dinner...with the singles... Am I really single now??

My dad died about 10 months ago. So yes, mom, you are single, I suppose. I guess I have a problem watching you go through this. I'm conflicted. Kind of angry at her for posting this, particularly because we offered to fly her here to Seattle to have Thanksgiving with us. Kind of upset she's making a public deal out of this.  She's contemplating her first single activity on Facebook?  This reminds me of an article I just read on one of my favorite blogs:  Barking Up The Wrong Tree.  It's about why people post so many annoying status updates.

I have a lot of feelings:
Fear: what if she re-marries?
Rejection: she's going to go to a singles Thanksgiving dinner instead of spending the holiday with family?
Guilt: she's obviously feeling lonely. Maybe if I lived closer and kept in better contact she wouldn't feel so lonely.
Shame: I should be happy for her, she's moving on?

But mostly - I feel put in the parent role again. I was the parent my whole life. Mom did what she wanted all the time and I held the family together. So mom is going to have dinner with the Singles while I host dinner for more than half the family at my house. 

So, rather than do the co-dependent thing here, and stress and worry about this and let her actions and choices affect my feelings, thoughts and emotions, I am going to talk myself off the cliff.

1. I am not responsible for my mother or my family.
2. It is not my job to keep the family together.
3. I am not the parent. I am an adult and can make my own choices.
4. I choose to celebrate holidays with family because having a relationship with members of my family is important to me.
5. No matter what my mom chooses for her life, I will respect and love her.
6. I will share about all these feelings tomorrow at group.

Ok - I feel better.

Whole

I realized I lingered in bed a little too long this morning after my alarm, when the fantasy started.  I entertained it for about 15 seconds, after which I got up.  The guilt trip started immediately. You should have gotten up earlier. You shouldn't be so lazy. You can't go there. You have so much to do today.  Your body might think it wants sex, but you don't.  The last statement, or automatic thought, jolted me a little bit. Your body? Like your body is separate from who you are? This was a mental fantasy, my body doesn't start those.  Why do I blame my body as if it was not part of me? I didn't quite know what to make of those thoughts.

I got up and continued about my morning with this stream of negative talk. You shouldn't eat that for breakfast. You should have gotten up earlier and went to the gym. You should have done these dishes yesterday. You didn't blog again last night. What is wrong with you? You should mow the lawn today.  On and on it went all morning.  I couldn't seem to make it stop.

I sat down at the piano to peruse some new music I bought yesterday. It was fun to sightread some rather difficult music better than I expected.  I tried to listen to the thoughts running through my head.  I've been practicing and it shows. The scales I've been working on really come in handy in this piece. I am a better pianist than I sometimes give myself credit for. I am excited to learn these pieces. I think I'm going to call Laurel and ask to take lessons.  The difference was glaringly obvious.

When I'm not happy with what I'm going - I talk to myself in third person usually followed by a shaming word...  You should, You shouldn't be, You can't, You didn't, You're wrong, etc.

When I'm feeling confident with what I've been doing, or am pleased with myself, I talk to myself in first person....  I am, I think, I've been working, I've been, etc.

In the height of my addiction, everything was compartmentalized. Whole parts of my life were divided by giant walls from other parts of my life. In the height of the craziness, whole conversations would play out between these different parts of me in my head. Crazy is the only way to describe it. I worked diligently to keep these selves separate from each other. It was the only way to not have a total breakdown. If the spiritual self really comprehended what the sex addict or food addict selves were doing, I don't think I could have lived with myself.  And when that wall finally came down last year, I couldn't live with myself. It was the only time I really contemplated suicide. It was literally get help or die, those were my only options.

Over the last year, my selves have had to make peace with each other and learn to co-exist. It's been a long tedious process, but one I've been extremely grateful for.  I've been more at peace, more stable, more calm and relaxed than I have been in years. I don't have to worry about who I told what lie to. I don't have to play the games that come with secrecy. I feel like a completely different person.

What I haven't noticed over the last year, is how differently I talk to myself. Until this morning, of course. You and should are words I don't use very often anymore. They don't help. They continue to separate the different sides of myself and only cause additional shame. I can't change anything about myself until I own in, and I can't own it if I'm in some sort of shame or denial state.  You is a denial word when you're talking to yourself.  There is a huge shift in ownership when you say to yourself, I shouldn't have done that, instead of You shouldn't have done that.  And I try never to use the words should or shouldn't. I've been trying to say, I regret having done that.

Early in recovery, it took me a number of months before I was able to even say My addiction. I would always say, I have an addiction, but was unwilling to own it as My addiction. Recovery started changing when I made that shift.

I'm grateful for the reminder this morning that I am a whole person living in recovery from my addiction. I'm not compartmentalized or sectioned off, with divided selves trying to co-exist anymore. I don't need walls or secrets anymore. As one of my affirmations says:

I am a valuable person. I approve of myself and love myself deeply and completely.

8.3

Anger: I don't like having my time wasted. If you're going to ask me to be a meeting, it better be because you actually have useful information for me. It makes me angry when my time is wasted by unproductive meetings.

Fear: No real fear today.

Shame: No shame today.

Guilt: No guilt.

Loneliness:  Another good day without loneliness.

Pain: My hip really hurts tonight. I had PT and did a lot of walking/standing today.  Painful.

Joy: I'm reading the New Testament right now and really felt the spirit today during my reading. I watched several of the new Bible Videos on the lds.org website and felt joy in the Atonement. "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."  (Preach My Gospel, pg. 52)

Love: Spent some time with a good friend tonight. Felt loved. Really enjoyed it.

Passion: I went to the Seattle premiere of "Lincoln" tonight, the new Stephen Spielberg movie. It was amazing. I really enjoyed it and took away a lot of personal thoughts. I've always wanted to read more about the history of my country and know more about the people that have made it what it is. I felt a little passion ignite for that tonight.  Really, a great movie.  I would recommend seeing it.

8.2

Fear: I'm slightly afraid that I'm going to be the new Primary President in my ward. Our wonderful president is moving in a few weeks and from the questions I received from the bishopric today, I really believe they're considering me. I haven't done a bigger calling like that since I've been in recovery. I don't know what that would look like. I'm currently the Primary Chorister, Single Adult Stake rep, and have just been asked to produce and direct next years youth presentation of "From Cumorah's Hill." It's not like I'm busy or anything, right?  But at the same time, I made a covenant in the temple to dedicate my time, talents, and anything the Lord has blessed me with to the kingdom of God.  Anyway.... I'm talking in circles here. I'm worried about over-committing and I'm worried about handling anxiety and stress.

Shame: No shame today.

Anger: No anger today.

Guilt: I took a 4 hour nap today. The thing is, I didn't even plan it. I fell asleep reading with the light on and didn't even move for 4 hours. I feel a little guilty about that -- actually, no I don't. I needed to sleep. Nevermind, no guilt today.

Pain: No pain today.

Loneliness: No more than the normal... which is good.

Joy: My little sister had a really good birthday weekend! She has been so discouraged lately with a number of things going on in her life. I'm so joyful for her!

Love: I know I've talked about Adam before.... but today, we walked into church at the same time. He came up and hugged me and said -- "It's my Sistah Smiff!" As he walked away with his parents he turned to his mom and said, "Sistah Smiff loves me!" It melted my heart. Yes I do, Adam, more than you probably know. Not having my own children is one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life. And I know the Lord has given me these moments with all of these amazing children to let me know I am not forgotten. It is one of His tender mercies in my life.

Passion: Passsing on this one again tonight.

8.1

Last week of the feeling challenge.

Anger: No anger today.

Fear: Went to lunch and shopping with one of my dearest friends today. I've know her since 1998. She is the only person that knows about my addiction and recovery outside of recovery circles. She is amazing and I love her. However, sometimes I am fearful that I say too much. Or when we have differing opinions on things, it stresses me out a little bit. Overall, I had a really good day with her, but there is still a little fear around her knowing as much as she does.

Shame: No shame today.

Loneliness: I didn't feel a lot of loneliness today. That's two days in a row.... could this be a new trend?

Guilt: I ate too much at lunch today. I've got to get a handle on that.

Pain: No pain.  I'm tired. We shopped for 5 hours today, which is exhausting.

Love: I loved all of the things I bought today.  Does that count?

Joy: I shopped for clothes for 5 hours today. That meant I spent 5 hours trying on things and looking at myself in the mirror.  That is not a fun thing for me as I'm sure it's not for many women. However, I really felt like I did a good job managing it.  There were times, I actually looked in the mirror and said to myself, you look cute. I bought those ones. I haven't looked in the mirror and thought that to myself for ages. It felt good to be accepting of myself and to feel the hard work paying off.

Passion: Passing on this one today.......

I do need to vent for a minute here. Just because I'm taller and bigger than the average woman, doesn't mean I want to dress like a slut, like a 70-year old, or show too much skin. I don't believe "the world looks better in skinnies", as one of the large posters said. I don't want frumpy clothes, but I don't want 16 year old clothes either. Just because I have cleavage, doesn't mean I want to show it off. Ok - I'm done. 

7.7

One more week on the feelings challenge. I've really enjoyed it though. I believe I am going to continue on some level, probably not daily, but somehow. Still working that out.

Fear: I walked into therapy today a little on the fearful side. By the time 1pm came around, I felt so in control of my emotions that I didn't want to stir them all back up again at therapy.  Fear was unfounded.

Anger: No real anger today. Everything went really well.

Shame: I had this really great connection moment at therapy today. I feel less shame today than I probably have my whole life. So many major pieces of my addiction and life fell into place today. I love this day.

Guilt: I ate too much candy today.  But tomorrow is a new day and I won't let my food choices today hold tomorrow hostage.

Pain: No real pain, hip even felt good today.

Loneliness: I didn't feel lonely today. That is a big statement for me.

Love: I felt surrounded by love today. There were so many tender mercies today from Heavenly Father. Jodi, Shiela, Andy, Aaron, Claudeen, Jane, Morgan, Erika, Tina, Maureen, Megan, Eric, Lorin. Seriously, I am surrounded by love.  Oh and Taylor Swift -- can't forget her today.  Love the song -- "We are never, ever ever ever getting back together."

Joy: I left therapy feeling fundamentally different today. I know I've said that before, or written that before, but today was even better. I felt an incredible amount of validation with my therapist today. As we discussed so many things, I was really overcome with gratitude and joy. As he pointed out, I practiced a huge amount of self-care the last two weeks, and was able to remain sober through a very difficult thing. "You're not just working at being a healthier person, you ARE a healthier person." Man I loved hearing that. He cried with me today during therapy. I owe him my life in so many ways.

Passion: I have a passion for recovery today. I met with my new sponsor this afternoon and am looking forward to picking my step-work back up.

My life is going to be better because of all the pain I've gone through the past few weeks. I can feel it. I feel ready to leave trauma behind, to leave Steve in the dust, to stop doubting my own worth and move forward.

Never

After a grueling week around the trauma in my life that is Steve, I cried myself to sleep last night. I had a moment yesterday where I was ready to give it all up, therapy, SA, sobriety, recovery, all of it. It is hard.  The thought lasted about 10 minutes. It took me that long to realize, as the white book says: "we have no other options but to stop, and our own enlightened self-interest must tell us this." I have no other options. I thought about where my life would be right now if I hadn't entered recovery 16 months ago. It's not a pretty thought.

Last night, I went to bed grieving, sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, lonely and desperate. I need this pain to stop. I need this fear to go away. I laid in bed and cried, desperately wanting this to all go away. I finally fell asleep about 1am, knowing I had only a few hours to sleep until my morning SA meeting. 

I woke up at 6 in pretty sad shape. My eyes were red and puffy, I was exhausted and my hair was a ridiculous mess. I thought for a few minutes about skipping the meeting, but knew that would not be the right choice. As I got ready, I had this melody in my head I couldn't place. It isn't super surprising, my head picks up melodies all over the place.

The meeting was really good. It was exactly what I needed. As I chatted afterwards, I hummed this melody going through my head.  One of the men standing near me said, "You're a Taylor fan, huh?" From the look on my face, he knew I didn't know what he meant. "Taylor Swift, that's one of her songs you're humming." I don't hate her music, but I don't own any of it. He sings me the chorus: "We are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together."  I smiled as this amazing feeling of relief, comfort, I would almost say joy washed over me.

I got home, bought the song on Amazon looped it on volume setting 10 for about 30 minutes. I know she's like 20 and the song is juvenile and young, but she nailed exactly what I needed to hear, with the power and conviction I feel.

Steve:
We are never, ever ever ever getting back together.
I used to think that we were forever and I used to say never say never.
But this is exhausting!  We are never getting back together, like ever.

Thanks, Taylor.

7.6

Anger: I worked on my letter to Steve today for therapy tomorrow. Working through the anger there.

Fear: I had dreams that I was masturbating last night. I woke up in a panic about 2am, fearful that I had masturbated. When I woke up enough to realize I hadn't, I also knew if I didn't get out of bed, I would. I hate moments like that. I can't control my dreams and I don't like the fear they bring.

Shame: No shame today.

Guilt: No guilt today, either.

Pain: Just emotional pain and lots of it.

Loneliness: Let's not get started on this one tonight. I'm already crying and I have hardly written anything.

Love: I bought new clothes tonight. I love my new pink puffy vest.

Joy: I was joyful that I got through the night without blowing it.  11 days to five months.  I can make it.

Passion: No.

Since it's November, I'm going to add a daily grateful moment to the blog.

Today I am grateful for the children in my life. I truly feel they are a gift from my Heavenly Father right now. Children see me. They don't care what I look like, what clothes I'm wearing, if I did my makeup or if I'm a sex addict. They don't know that, but I think if they did, it wouldn't matter to them. They see who I am and they love me. All of my primary kids, piano students, and nephews. They are a huge blessing in my life, particularly right now. I'm grateful to all of my friends who lovingly share their children with me.  Thank you.

I have a second therapy appointment tomorrow. This Steve letter is killing me.  After we review tomorrow, I'm going to ask for a week off. I need some space from the pain.