What you build

The lesson in Sunday School yesterday was about adversity.  The instructor, whom I adore, asked the question of the class: "What strategy do you use to overcome adversity?"  Several answers were given and discussion focused around personal conversion.  The instructor told a story about his grandfather.... I don't remember the story but I remember the lesson:  It's not what you bring or receive to a relationship, ward, or employer -- it's what you build that matters.

The concept really hit home to me. I feel like I've spent the last two years focused on what I bring and what others give to me.  I remember, just a few months ago, when my therapist asked me what I wanted in a relationship.  As I reflected on the conversation later, I was kind of sickened by the fact that all my answered revolved around what I wanted him to do for me, and not around what type of person he could be.  That changed the way I looked at relationships and people.

But another shift is still needed and I feel it happening.  What we bring to the table in any kind of relationship is important.  But even more important is what two people are capable of building together. 

My friend, Terri (fake name), has really been bothering me recently.  She's been incredibly needy, giving me gifts nearly everyday, and wanting all my attention.  She's told me how jealous she is of my relationships with other people and how much she wants all of my attention.  She's accused me of emotionally abandoning her and hiding myself from her.  It was a ugly few weeks.  It was weird because it was totally unexpected and I felt out of character for her.  In discussion with my therapist about it, he was able to provide some clarity around the situation.  When we met, we were on very similar emotional planes.  We had similar emotional needs and skills.  However, over the past 18 months, my skill level, wants, needs, and capabilities have increased as I've continued to attend therapy and work on them.  She hasn't.  She went to therapy about 4 times and quit.  The more I thought about it, the more I recognized it was true.

It's not that you can't have relationships with people on different levels than you, you can.  But the relationship is different.  I want a partner relationship.  One where we are coming in on similar ground and are both willing to build together.  We will water our grass and our relationship as equals.  That is the kind of relationship I want.  I want to build something.

Seeing Me

I've been in Utah four weeks today.  Amazing.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday that I drove the truck over.  It really is hard to believe it's been four weeks. 

I've done a lot in those four weeks.  Gone camping twice, attended two family reunions and two soccer games.  I went to Idaho and spent a day with my aunt and uncle and down to my brother's house for family gatherings.  In between all of that, I've unpacked, rearranged the house, tried to break into the recovery scene here and get acquainted with my new ward.  It's definitely been a busy four weeks.

It's also been extremely difficult in some ways.  I've cried myself to sleep a few times out of sheer loneliness.  Attending new SA meetings and trying to build a recovery support group here has been difficult.  I've asked for phone numbers and tried to build time to talk with people, only to be shut down more than once.  The intense pressure I feel around my family to be perfect in every way has been extremely challenging.  Trying to figure out where that pressure comes from is my new therapy assignment.  Being here, watching the struggles and drama play out continuously is also challenging.  The rescuer in me is learning to let go of things.  I dearly miss my friends, students, and ward in Washington. 

But today --- I woke up feeling differently.  I've been praying and studying and working and trying to be strong, to feel secure, to know I'm on the right path.  And today, I woke up with that confirmation.  I sang in the shower, looked myself in the mirror and thought about how beautiful I was. I called my mom and had an incredibly enjoyable afternoon with her. I visited my brother and my nephews and loved them.  I read my scriptures and felt the spirit touch my heart.  I drove around and contemplated how beautiful it is here and I arrived home feeling incredibly strong, secure, safe, confident and right. 

I'm not naïve enough to feel like all my lonely days are going to be gone now. Nor do I believe this will make all my family pressures and issues go away.  I know things will continue to be hard and I will continue to make mistakes and live and grow.  But today, those things don't scare me.  Today, who I am right now, with all my flaws and imperfections, is enough. 

This new stage of my life is not about being a better person.  This stage is about letting myself be seen.  I love who I am.  I love being tall, with my big cute feet. I love having large shoulders. I love my voice and the way I talk. I love that I am tenderhearted and cry easily.  I love that I break for all things chocolate and watch Doctor Who episodes over and over again.  I love my eye for color, my ear for music and my artistic handwriting.  I love that I am bothered by homelessness and the state of education in this country.  I love the scriptures and the temple.  I am anti-abortion, but will always vote pro-life, because I believe in agency and choice.  Singing the National Anthem or watching soldiers come home always makes me cry.  I am really quite amazing. And rather than hide that away, feeling like I don't measure up because I've never been married, I'm ready to live my life, love my life and let that be enough.  Because I am enough and I've always been enough. 

Gateway behaviors

The last two nights I've allowed myself to flirt with disaster.  Stressed out, lonely, upset and in need of help to process my emotions I turned to fantasy, rather than the many recovery friends I have for this very purpose.  I laid in bed and dreamed up a partner. 

Fantasy for me never starts off sexual.  It's never about that to begin with.  It's about needing someone to help me process, hearing another perspective, being able to emotionally work through things.  When I can't find that in person, I just dream it up.  This is how fantasy has always been for me.  Even from junior high days, I remember making people up to talk to.  Imaginary friends if you will.  As an adult though, it gets complicated. 

The last two nights, we've laid in bed together, my fantasy partner and I and discussed everything going on with me.  It all starts real...... conversation about my mom and family, addiction, meetings, adjusting to living here, missing Washington, but then turns unreal..... discussion about wanting children, building a house for our family, his work, our relationship, etc.  Usually at night, it's not sexual.  After pouring out my heart and talking through all my emotions, I'm tired.  We eventually fall asleep. 

The problem is the next morning.  Whenever I fantasize at night, the morning finds me aroused and wound up sexually.  Night fantasy usually ended in morning masturbation episodes.  I found this to be true with men I dated as well.  I could hold out all night as we held each other and kissed and talked.  But if either party stayed the night, by morning I was ready to move things to the next level physically. 

This morning I woke up with those feelings.  I wanted a sexual release.  I allowed myself to fantasize about it for a few minutes, talking to my fantasy partner and even began moving that direction.  Finally, I pulled myself out of it by saying my sobriety date out loud about 20 times.  It pulled me back into reality and gave me the strength to get out of bed. 

I immediately got up, and got to work doing other things.  Finally a few hours later, I sat down here to do my morning recovery routine and write this out.  It's left me feeling vulnerable and exposed.  It's left me feeling raw and a little bit fearful.  Two minutes and I would have been acting out again.  I know what I've done is not acting out but more of middle circle behaviors, similar to gateway drugs.  But I've got to get a handle on this.  I haven't allowed myself to fantasy for a long, long time. 

Truth is I feel very alone right now.  I have a lot to process and no one to really process with.  I need some recovery friends.  Ones I can call up and go to dinner with.  I need to find them.  I don't want to.  But I recognize the need. 

Friends!

I had people over for dinner tonight.  Two couples from my ward came over and we had an awesome time.  I made a new enchilada recipe and salsa from scratch.  Really, it was a great time. 

I'm glad to have people I can have dinner with.  I miss conversation.  I miss people.  The best thing is that these people seem totally normal, healthy even.  They are open and honest and talk about crazy things.  They seem very, very real.  I loved it.  A lot.  My plan is to have people over for dinner every other week.  I want to get to know people in my ward and be part of something.  I don't plan on just sitting back and making people come to me, but want to get out and fellowship and make new friends.  I really liked these people.

One of the couples spoke last Sunday.  The talks focused on obedience.  I really liked what she had to say.  She chooses to be obedient because that is how she expresses her love to her Heavenly Father.  She also says that she does it for the blessings.  She doesn't have faith or believe in the blessings here or in the next life, she DEPENDS on them.  That is true for me.  I don't just believe in the next life or the blessing that will come there.  I depend on them.  I really enjoyed her talk.  I've thought about it all week. 

M comes into town this weekend for about 48 hours.  I'm excited to see him.  It will be nice to spend some time with him.  I miss him and our late night walks and chats.  It will be good to catch up.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the temple with my mom and then have dinner with my family.  Good times. Saturday, M comes in and we're going to the soccer game.  Then Sunday we're going to spend the day in the car to visit some of his friends.  He'll stay one more night and then fly home Monday.  It will be a good weekend. 

I'm grateful for friends.  I'm grateful for the people I have in my life, new and old. 

I Want to be Angry

I'm having a food moment.  Everything sounds good and everything looks good.  Although I had a good dinner, I want to eat everything in sight.  It hit while I was at the store this evening as the cookies in the bakery starting calling my name.  I know it's bad when that happens; those cookies aren't even good.  Driving home, I noticed every restaurant and convenience store.  Resigned that I wasn't going to stop for food, my next thought was just ice cream, or even just a drink.  There were two 7-11s on the way home.  Just a Coke, I kept telling myself. 

The fact that I made it home with one Kit-Kat bar and some needed fruit and groceries is not a miracle, it's just evidence of all the work I've been doing and how far along I am in my recovery. 

This moment started much earlier today.  I didn't sleep well, but had morning commitments.  After my phone meeting, conversation with my sponsee, and an hour worth of work, I went back to bed to try and get some shut eye.  I finally got out of bed just around noon. 

Next, my kindle reminded me that I am ovulating.  Yes, I set up alarms to remind me of this wonderful fact.  For me, ovulation is crazy.  It literally feels like my body is screaming at me "STICK SOMETHING IN ME AND GET ME PREGNANT ALREADY!"  During addiction, I loved this time of the month.  My libido was in overdrive and my body was sensitive to the lightest touch.  Orgasms were plentiful and easily achieved.  Let me re-phrase that because even though the addiction is past tense, the physical sensations are not.  During this time of the month, my libido is in hyper drive, my body is sensitive to the slightest touch, and even wiping after using the toilet has to be done with care.  OK - maybe that was too graphic.  But that is how I feel today -- GRAPHIC! 

I struggled to pick something to wear, talking out loud to myself the whole time about how sexually wound up I was and how bitter I was about not having children.  Because ultimately, as I get older, this wonderful monthly reminder that I'm ovulating counts down my fertility. 

All afternoon, I struggled between working and unpacking.  I'm having new friends over on Thursday night and want my house to be a little more organized than it is.  I couldn't seem to focus on either very well. 

Finally, I went to an ARP meeting tonight.  I didn't want to go.  I had no desire to be there. I didn't want to talk about what I was feeling or my frustration or really hear about anyone else or their problems either.  I was in that dark hole I call self-absorption.  What I'm dealing with seems so big that I can't see out of it enough to be present with anyone else in their struggle.  I did share about some of the things I'm facing but nothing too personal.  I don't know what it is about those meetings that rub me the wrong way, but it does.  I hate it when they say to me with this super sappy sweet voice, "I'm so glad you came tonight. Keep coming back."  It feels patronizing.  It feels judgmental.  I know it's my own issue -- but it's how I feel.   The missionary who leads the group bothers me to no end!  She is super dramatic and calls everyone sweetie and hun.  She thinks she can relate to every individual at the meeting.  She tells unbelievable stories and is out of control.  It bothers me. 

Everything bothers me tonight.  I know it is my issue.  I know it is my pride and my ego.  Though I'm struggling to let it go.  I want to be bitter and angry.  I want to be upset.  I want to feel frustrated and better than everyone else.  Why do I want to hold onto these feelings?  Why?  What am I getting from the feelings?  What are they doing to serve me? 

I don't even want to analyze them tonight.  I just want to be bitter and angry for another few hours before I surrender.  I know it's not going to help the situation, but that is where I am tonight. 

My chosen path

I'm struggling today.  I feel lonely with no one to share my life with. 

After this tough weekend with the extended family, I wanted someone to come home to and talk to about it.  I wanted someone to hold me when I cried.  I wanted someone to recognize how hard it is for me and to say I'm so proud of you. 

Church talks and lessons were amazing today. I was inspired and wanted to share that with someone. I wanted someone to discuss everything with. I wanted their opinions and their insights and experience. I wanted to listen to their thoughts and feelings about the topics. 

I'm not sure what to do about my hip and my health insurance situation.  I want someone to discuss the decisions with. 

I went to the temple this week alone.

I real my scriptures alone.

I walk outside alone.

I drive around alone.

I eat alone.

I did all these things alone in Washington, but I had a circle of friends that I did things with.  I didn't always do these things alone and I had people to talk to and to share my life with.  Those people seem so far away right now.

This feeling of being alone and isolated has led me before into acting out.  To escape feelings of being alone, I go online and find someone.  It can be through Craig's List, chat rooms, online personal ads or dating sites, or even just social networking sites.  I find someone, usually as lonely or even lonelier that I am, and seduce them into lusting after me.  I'm not going to do that.  I don't want to use them, nor do I want someone as lonely as I feel to feel worse after I use and abuse them.  I will not turn myself into a predator.

But I am sometimes caught off guard at how quickly my mind goes there and how with a few clicks, I could be back in the thick of it.  Seriously.  I wouldn't be able to stop myself.  Looking at an ad would set me in a spiral I don't think I could recover from.  And I know I would be miserable and not happy.  Way worse than I feel right now, or have felt before in my life. 

No, recovery is my chosen path.  And that means that I will get out of myself and my sick thoughts. I will reach out to other people, I will find friends. I will go to meetings, I will make my phone calls and I will maintain my sobriety.  Nothing will stop that. 

Dad's Writings

Some of the hardest moments since my dad died happened this weekend. Nearly every moment I expected him to walk around the corner or up to camp or crawl out of a tent.  My uncles look so much like him it was difficult.  So many times I would look at one of them and see my dad.  I would hear one of them laugh and turn around thinking it was my dad.  Just listening to them talk was amazingly difficult.  They talk like him, laugh like him and use his mannerisms.  Of course they do, they are his brothers.  I don't know why I wasn't expecting it or even thinking that it would be hard, but I wasn't and it was. 

I don't feel bitter about my dad's passing.  I'm not angry with him or with God. I just miss him. I miss his hugs and his half smile.  I miss my PPI's and having him in my life.  I miss knowing I could call him, anytime anywhere and he would come for me.  I miss having him call and ask about my car and my life.  I just miss him. 

I have a folder of my dad's writings from his mission.  They are sacred to me and I read them to feel close to him.  I never knew he wrote poems until after he passed away.  It is also incredibly sad to me to read of his unrealized hopes and dreams.  He so wanted to build and run a boys camp for scouts and for young men struggling in general.  They are, in some ways, so similar to my own longings. I have a special ability/bond with the youth.  I look at so many homeless and struggling youth and want to provide a place for them to get some traction and learn who they are. This is one of my dad's poems.  I love to know that he wrote as much as I did.  That what he couldn't express in words, he wrote out.  I love writing as well. 

Wilderness

At night I dream
Of a time when I walked the high country,
The place where man belongs but is a stranger.
I long to be roaming the trails again,
Free from all bond and debt,
Free from the shackles of conventional society,
free to drink my fill from a crisp spring,
free to rest above natures bed of needles
and gaze at the stars close but so far.
Free to feel the pain of aching muscles
and the joy of reaching a distant peak
to see the sun setting into the sea.
I long for the smell of burning pine
and the smell of trout on the griddle
Or the scent of a green grassy meadow
But more than longing for the roaming days
I praise my Maker for his playground of creation
That I call wilderness
And realize that the moment of service
I render in His name
Can never repay Him the joy He has provided me.

Love you dad.                                   

Creepy

I'm attending an extended family reunion this weekend for my dad's side of the family.  The reunion happens annually, but I haven't been for at least 8 years, probably more like 10 -12 years.  I have great relationships with my cousins on this side of the family, but my grandparents and I don't get along.

I'm going this year in my dad's honor.  He went every year and spending time together as a family was incredibly important to him.  I'm going for him.

My grandpa is just ...... creepy?  That might be the right word.  He likes to kiss all his granddaughters on the lips.  I hate it. It won't happen this time.  He also makes so many inappropriate comments, it's ridiculous.  While my dad was sick, and getting sicker, he told my mom that it was because she didn't have enough faith.  He asked me once when I was going to finally get my life together and get married.  That didn't go over very well with me.

In the early 80's my grandfather was accused of molesting his nieces.  The two girls were my grandmother's sister's girls.  No charges were ever filed and the girls actually confronted him about it, but nothing was done.  It created a rift between my grandmother and her sister that was never mended.  My grandmother passed away in 2009.  Who knows if it ever really happened. 

I have some weird memories of staying at his house.  I don't think I was molested, but I wonder if my aunts and my older sister were.  Regardless, he creeps me out. I have pretty good instincts for this kind of thing.  I am not going to allow him to kiss me on the lips for the weekend.  It's not going to happen.  I have a boundary there and I will maintain it.

Family reunions make me uncomfortable. I don't like having to talk to people about my life. I don't like making small talk. I don't like seeing all these families -- all these married cousins with their children.  All of my cousins of marrying age are married except my sisters and I.  I hate it.  I hate answering questions about what I'm doing and what is going on in my life.  That's really what it is.  I don't feel like I measure up or am good enough.  It's myself comparing my life to other people.  Really, I need to give it up.  I like myself.  I like who I am. I like where I'm at.  Why do I let other people dictate how I feel about myself?  I need stop that.

Mom

My mom came to dinner tonight.  In my pro-active approach to keeping my boundaries but staying engaged, we have a standing dinner appointment every Wednesday.  I made my favorite dish - Cilantro Lime Chicken.  It was good.  It was really good actually. 

The time was awkward.  Learning to navigate this relationships with boundaries, while living in the same state, is difficult. 

My brother asked me over the weekend if mom and I had a falling out around the time of dad's death.  I didn't consider it a falling out.  There was a definite break in our relationship at that time. It happened a few days after the funeral.  The plan was that I would leave in a few days.  I was in the bedroom packing my clothes and crying.  My dad had just died, I was allowed to cry.  Mom saw me crying and freaked out.  "You can't cry", she said.  "You need to keep it together and be strong and be happy.  You can't cry."   

How do you respond to that?  My dad just died and my mom is sitting here demanding that I put on a happy face and hold it together.  I wasn't about to do that.  I had spent 6 months in therapy and knew feelings were allowed and even encouraged.  Crying was totally appropriate.  I left the next day and didn't look back.  All of the sudden all the anger, frustration, annoyance, and just plain rage I had at my father transferred to my mother.  For months, I had been working on that anger.  Every day I prayed for it to go away, I wanted nothing more than to feel relieved of the anger I had towards him.  I felt in a really good place about it.  It was gone......... but in it's place was a new form of anger towards my mother. 

On the 13 hour drive home, I decided to completely step out and give up my role as family Relief Society President -- that's what my mom called me.  I was done 100%.  I didn't call for days. My contact with her was superficial.  I didn't always answer, I didn't always respond.  And I started working on the anger I had towards her. I knew she felt my withdrawal and I knew it bothered her.  But for my own personal health, both emotionally and spiritually, I did what I needed to do. 

My brother indicated that mom felt lost and abandoned by me.  Dad had just died and I basically left her to deal with everything on her own.  Wow.  I hadn't really looked at it from that perspective.  I've thought a lot about it over the weekend and am saddened by it.  I wouldn't change anything that happened.  I did what I needed to do and moved in the direction I needed to move in order to process and handle things for myself.  I'm sad because mom had multiple opportunities to get help and turned it down.  Grief counseling was part of the life insurance... she refused.  We talked multiple times about support groups and grief groups... she didn't go.  I couldn't be her support.... I could barely keep things together for myself.  She needed more than I could give her.  I know that.  But I'm not sure she does. 

We talked tonight about superficial things. Work, siblings, my new apartment, etc.  She's struggling. She cried. She is unhappy.  I can't fix it though, and even if I could, I wouldn't.  She needs to figure her life out for herself.  It's not my place to do that. 

How do I stay engaged and hold boundaries?  Her emotion is so overwhelming to me. Her whole situation is overwhelming to me.  How do I navigate this?  How do I keep my emotions and myself in check and not become co-dependent or take up the role of fixer again?  I don't want to fall on my sword and keep the family happy. 

This is harder than I anticipated.

Begin Again

I must start writing again.  I forget how therapeutic it is for me until I stop for an extended period of time and can't figure out why I am so emotional.  It happened this morning during therapy.  I couldn't explain why there was so much emotion coming out of me and why I felt so raw and vulnerable with him today. 

Part of it was seeing him on screen but not being physically there with him in the room.  It's different.  I've been pouring my heart and life out to him every week, sometimes twice a week for over two years.  He truly has been one of the stable things in my chaotic, unmanageable, addiction filled life.  I would not be where I am without him.  Lately, with M in my life so much, I had started to almost pull away from therapy.  Not pull away... that is not accurate.... had needed it less.  I think that is accurate.  Everything I had going on inside me I was discussing with M. My issues and secrets were his reality.  And vice versa.  But things are different now. He is in a different part of the country and is no longer my daily processor and confidant.  I miss him.  And my need for therapy rises a notch.

I went to an ARP meeting.  ARP = Addiction Recovery Program sponsored by the LDS church.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, which was encouraging.  But it's different from the weekly SA meetings I've been attending for the last two years.  The women were all so young... 18-25 with little to no sobriety.  I felt the awkward position of being the one with the most sobriety.  I don't want to be the poster child for sobriety and recovery!  I don't want to be the rescuer.  I don't want to be the example or what people strive for.  I've spent my whole life in that position.  And it wasn't real.  It's too much pressure.  That's what this comes down to.... it doesn't feel real or authentic.  It was what I did before. 

I feel so alone right now.  I have to be the strong one and hold all my boundaries with my family EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I miss my friends in recovery.  I'm sponsoring now and I feel pressure to do the right thing and say the right thing and help her.  I was the only woman at the group last night with any kind of sobriety and felt pressure to come back next week and say the right thing.  M went on vacation with his family and I feel like he's ignoring me, which is totally understandable.  But I still don't like the way it feels. I don't like feeling so attached to him.  It scares me.  The friends I thought were my friends are turning out to be emotionally needy.  I can't handle it.

This is the kind of pressure and loneliness that drives me to act out.  It drives me to feel badly about myself and like I can't measure up.  I don't feel like enough. I don't feel like I can be enough for these people that need me.  I don't feel like I can be enough for my mom who needs so much.  These feelings make me want to reach out and find a relationship where all that is required of me is my body.  No other pressure.  Those relationships are so much easier. 

Thankfully, I've been in recovery long enough to know as simple as that sounds and regardless of the pressure it temporarily relieves, I will regret every minute.  Even the orgasm won't be pleasurable.  I'll be thinking about telling my therapist about it, explaining to my sponsor and my group my new sobriety date, and telling M, my new accountability partner outside of addiction circles.  Of all those things, that scares me the most.  Not only that, I don't want to use someone in that way.  Because that is what it would be.... pure abuse and addiction.  I wouldn't really be interested in them or who they were as a person.... it would be about what they could do for me.  I won't treat people like that anymore. I've been on the receiving end of that kind of behavior and it doesn't feel good. 

Conclusion:  I won't act out.  I will begin again to write it out.  Every single feeling, thought and emotion will go down on paper.  I will write my addiction into recovery.

Physical Check-In: Week 5

Yep - Week 4 came and went with no check in.  Moving states and spending a week with my family for a family reunion took a lot out of me.  I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped on the scale this morning though.  I have to figure this whole physical body, exercise, weight, eating thing out.  I want it to be easy and natural, kind of how sexual sobriety is for me right now.  But I know it wasn't always that way.  I need to allow it to be difficult at first -- I need to fight for it -- I need to want it more than I want anything else in my life.  That is how I feel today.  I want it more than I want anything else right now. 

I'm changing the format here and the goals. 

Weight:  I'm down 5.1 lbs. from where I started on June 1.
Exercise:  I moved, went camping with my family, and walked lots. I threw the football around with my nephew and didn't let anything stop me from doing what I wanted to do physically.  It felt good.
Thoughts:  Overall, I did well the last few weeks.  I'm falling into comparison mode and not feeling good enough or pretty enough or thin enough or just enough at anything.  I didn't realize how much this was spurred on by my family.  I was able to let go of it most of the time.  It's going to continue to be a little bit of a battle, but I will conquer.
Food:  I did really well with food over my move and the first week here.  I can't remember a time I overate at all.  I made cookies last night, but didn't cook all of them, and took some to a neighbor.  It was good.  I've focused on eating more vegetables and that has really helped.  So has focusing on water. 

Victories last week:
Navigated the family reunion without acting out with food.
Made good food choices while eating out for nearly two weeks straight.
Walked at the lake and was active with my nephews and family.

Challenges last week:
Drinking enough water.  I struggled a little with heat exhaustion, need to keep hydrated.
Feeling embarrassed and ashamed of my appearance. 

Focus moving forward:
PLANNING! -- I literally haven't planned a week of meals for a month or so.  That stops today!
WATER -- I've got to stay hydrated, especially because it's hot here and I sweat a lot.
ACTIVITY -- I scoped out a walking path and clocked it at 3 miles.  I will walk 5 times this week.

Another great week is on it's way!