What you build

The lesson in Sunday School yesterday was about adversity.  The instructor, whom I adore, asked the question of the class: "What strategy do you use to overcome adversity?"  Several answers were given and discussion focused around personal conversion.  The instructor told a story about his grandfather.... I don't remember the story but I remember the lesson:  It's not what you bring or receive to a relationship, ward, or employer -- it's what you build that matters.

The concept really hit home to me. I feel like I've spent the last two years focused on what I bring and what others give to me.  I remember, just a few months ago, when my therapist asked me what I wanted in a relationship.  As I reflected on the conversation later, I was kind of sickened by the fact that all my answered revolved around what I wanted him to do for me, and not around what type of person he could be.  That changed the way I looked at relationships and people.

But another shift is still needed and I feel it happening.  What we bring to the table in any kind of relationship is important.  But even more important is what two people are capable of building together. 

My friend, Terri (fake name), has really been bothering me recently.  She's been incredibly needy, giving me gifts nearly everyday, and wanting all my attention.  She's told me how jealous she is of my relationships with other people and how much she wants all of my attention.  She's accused me of emotionally abandoning her and hiding myself from her.  It was a ugly few weeks.  It was weird because it was totally unexpected and I felt out of character for her.  In discussion with my therapist about it, he was able to provide some clarity around the situation.  When we met, we were on very similar emotional planes.  We had similar emotional needs and skills.  However, over the past 18 months, my skill level, wants, needs, and capabilities have increased as I've continued to attend therapy and work on them.  She hasn't.  She went to therapy about 4 times and quit.  The more I thought about it, the more I recognized it was true.

It's not that you can't have relationships with people on different levels than you, you can.  But the relationship is different.  I want a partner relationship.  One where we are coming in on similar ground and are both willing to build together.  We will water our grass and our relationship as equals.  That is the kind of relationship I want.  I want to build something.