I'm having a food moment. Everything sounds good and everything looks good. Although I had a good dinner, I want to eat everything in sight. It hit while I was at the store this evening as the cookies in the bakery starting calling my name. I know it's bad when that happens; those cookies aren't even good. Driving home, I noticed every restaurant and convenience store. Resigned that I wasn't going to stop for food, my next thought was just ice cream, or even just a drink. There were two 7-11s on the way home. Just a Coke, I kept telling myself.
The fact that I made it home with one Kit-Kat bar and some needed fruit and groceries is not a miracle, it's just evidence of all the work I've been doing and how far along I am in my recovery.
This moment started much earlier today. I didn't sleep well, but had morning commitments. After my phone meeting, conversation with my sponsee, and an hour worth of work, I went back to bed to try and get some shut eye. I finally got out of bed just around noon.
Next, my kindle reminded me that I am ovulating. Yes, I set up alarms to remind me of this wonderful fact. For me, ovulation is crazy. It literally feels like my body is screaming at me "STICK SOMETHING IN ME AND GET ME PREGNANT ALREADY!" During addiction, I loved this time of the month. My libido was in overdrive and my body was sensitive to the lightest touch. Orgasms were plentiful and easily achieved. Let me re-phrase that because even though the addiction is past tense, the physical sensations are not. During this time of the month, my libido is in hyper drive, my body is sensitive to the slightest touch, and even wiping after using the toilet has to be done with care. OK - maybe that was too graphic. But that is how I feel today -- GRAPHIC!
I struggled to pick something to wear, talking out loud to myself the whole time about how sexually wound up I was and how bitter I was about not having children. Because ultimately, as I get older, this wonderful monthly reminder that I'm ovulating counts down my fertility.
All afternoon, I struggled between working and unpacking. I'm having new friends over on Thursday night and want my house to be a little more organized than it is. I couldn't seem to focus on either very well.
Finally, I went to an ARP meeting tonight. I didn't want to go. I had no desire to be there. I didn't want to talk about what I was feeling or my frustration or really hear about anyone else or their problems either. I was in that dark hole I call self-absorption. What I'm dealing with seems so big that I can't see out of it enough to be present with anyone else in their struggle. I did share about some of the things I'm facing but nothing too personal. I don't know what it is about those meetings that rub me the wrong way, but it does. I hate it when they say to me with this super sappy sweet voice, "I'm so glad you came tonight. Keep coming back." It feels patronizing. It feels judgmental. I know it's my own issue -- but it's how I feel. The missionary who leads the group bothers me to no end! She is super dramatic and calls everyone sweetie and hun. She thinks she can relate to every individual at the meeting. She tells unbelievable stories and is out of control. It bothers me.
Everything bothers me tonight. I know it is my issue. I know it is my pride and my ego. Though I'm struggling to let it go. I want to be bitter and angry. I want to be upset. I want to feel frustrated and better than everyone else. Why do I want to hold onto these feelings? Why? What am I getting from the feelings? What are they doing to serve me?
I don't even want to analyze them tonight. I just want to be bitter and angry for another few hours before I surrender. I know it's not going to help the situation, but that is where I am tonight.
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