Mom

My mom came to dinner tonight.  In my pro-active approach to keeping my boundaries but staying engaged, we have a standing dinner appointment every Wednesday.  I made my favorite dish - Cilantro Lime Chicken.  It was good.  It was really good actually. 

The time was awkward.  Learning to navigate this relationships with boundaries, while living in the same state, is difficult. 

My brother asked me over the weekend if mom and I had a falling out around the time of dad's death.  I didn't consider it a falling out.  There was a definite break in our relationship at that time. It happened a few days after the funeral.  The plan was that I would leave in a few days.  I was in the bedroom packing my clothes and crying.  My dad had just died, I was allowed to cry.  Mom saw me crying and freaked out.  "You can't cry", she said.  "You need to keep it together and be strong and be happy.  You can't cry."   

How do you respond to that?  My dad just died and my mom is sitting here demanding that I put on a happy face and hold it together.  I wasn't about to do that.  I had spent 6 months in therapy and knew feelings were allowed and even encouraged.  Crying was totally appropriate.  I left the next day and didn't look back.  All of the sudden all the anger, frustration, annoyance, and just plain rage I had at my father transferred to my mother.  For months, I had been working on that anger.  Every day I prayed for it to go away, I wanted nothing more than to feel relieved of the anger I had towards him.  I felt in a really good place about it.  It was gone......... but in it's place was a new form of anger towards my mother. 

On the 13 hour drive home, I decided to completely step out and give up my role as family Relief Society President -- that's what my mom called me.  I was done 100%.  I didn't call for days. My contact with her was superficial.  I didn't always answer, I didn't always respond.  And I started working on the anger I had towards her. I knew she felt my withdrawal and I knew it bothered her.  But for my own personal health, both emotionally and spiritually, I did what I needed to do. 

My brother indicated that mom felt lost and abandoned by me.  Dad had just died and I basically left her to deal with everything on her own.  Wow.  I hadn't really looked at it from that perspective.  I've thought a lot about it over the weekend and am saddened by it.  I wouldn't change anything that happened.  I did what I needed to do and moved in the direction I needed to move in order to process and handle things for myself.  I'm sad because mom had multiple opportunities to get help and turned it down.  Grief counseling was part of the life insurance... she refused.  We talked multiple times about support groups and grief groups... she didn't go.  I couldn't be her support.... I could barely keep things together for myself.  She needed more than I could give her.  I know that.  But I'm not sure she does. 

We talked tonight about superficial things. Work, siblings, my new apartment, etc.  She's struggling. She cried. She is unhappy.  I can't fix it though, and even if I could, I wouldn't.  She needs to figure her life out for herself.  It's not my place to do that. 

How do I stay engaged and hold boundaries?  Her emotion is so overwhelming to me. Her whole situation is overwhelming to me.  How do I navigate this?  How do I keep my emotions and myself in check and not become co-dependent or take up the role of fixer again?  I don't want to fall on my sword and keep the family happy. 

This is harder than I anticipated.