Part of it was seeing him on screen but not being physically there with him in the room. It's different. I've been pouring my heart and life out to him every week, sometimes twice a week for over two years. He truly has been one of the stable things in my chaotic, unmanageable, addiction filled life. I would not be where I am without him. Lately, with M in my life so much, I had started to almost pull away from therapy. Not pull away... that is not accurate.... had needed it less. I think that is accurate. Everything I had going on inside me I was discussing with M. My issues and secrets were his reality. And vice versa. But things are different now. He is in a different part of the country and is no longer my daily processor and confidant. I miss him. And my need for therapy rises a notch.
I went to an ARP meeting. ARP = Addiction Recovery Program sponsored by the LDS church. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, which was encouraging. But it's different from the weekly SA meetings I've been attending for the last two years. The women were all so young... 18-25 with little to no sobriety. I felt the awkward position of being the one with the most sobriety. I don't want to be the poster child for sobriety and recovery! I don't want to be the rescuer. I don't want to be the example or what people strive for. I've spent my whole life in that position. And it wasn't real. It's too much pressure. That's what this comes down to.... it doesn't feel real or authentic. It was what I did before.
I feel so alone right now. I have to be the strong one and hold all my boundaries with my family EVERY SINGLE DAY. I miss my friends in recovery. I'm sponsoring now and I feel pressure to do the right thing and say the right thing and help her. I was the only woman at the group last night with any kind of sobriety and felt pressure to come back next week and say the right thing. M went on vacation with his family and I feel like he's ignoring me, which is totally understandable. But I still don't like the way it feels. I don't like feeling so attached to him. It scares me. The friends I thought were my friends are turning out to be emotionally needy. I can't handle it.
This is the kind of pressure and loneliness that drives me to act out. It drives me to feel badly about myself and like I can't measure up. I don't feel like enough. I don't feel like I can be enough for these people that need me. I don't feel like I can be enough for my mom who needs so much. These feelings make me want to reach out and find a relationship where all that is required of me is my body. No other pressure. Those relationships are so much easier.
Thankfully, I've been in recovery long enough to know as simple as that sounds and regardless of the pressure it temporarily relieves, I will regret every minute. Even the orgasm won't be pleasurable. I'll be thinking about telling my therapist about it, explaining to my sponsor and my group my new sobriety date, and telling M, my new accountability partner outside of addiction circles. Of all those things, that scares me the most. Not only that, I don't want to use someone in that way. Because that is what it would be.... pure abuse and addiction. I wouldn't really be interested in them or who they were as a person.... it would be about what they could do for me. I won't treat people like that anymore. I've been on the receiving end of that kind of behavior and it doesn't feel good.
Conclusion: I won't act out. I will begin again to write it out. Every single feeling, thought and emotion will go down on paper. I will write my addiction into recovery.
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