The last two nights I've allowed myself to flirt with disaster. Stressed out, lonely, upset and in need of help to process my emotions I turned to fantasy, rather than the many recovery friends I have for this very purpose. I laid in bed and dreamed up a partner.
Fantasy for me never starts off sexual. It's never about that to begin with. It's about needing someone to help me process, hearing another perspective, being able to emotionally work through things. When I can't find that in person, I just dream it up. This is how fantasy has always been for me. Even from junior high days, I remember making people up to talk to. Imaginary friends if you will. As an adult though, it gets complicated.
The last two nights, we've laid in bed together, my fantasy partner and I and discussed everything going on with me. It all starts real...... conversation about my mom and family, addiction, meetings, adjusting to living here, missing Washington, but then turns unreal..... discussion about wanting children, building a house for our family, his work, our relationship, etc. Usually at night, it's not sexual. After pouring out my heart and talking through all my emotions, I'm tired. We eventually fall asleep.
The problem is the next morning. Whenever I fantasize at night, the morning finds me aroused and wound up sexually. Night fantasy usually ended in morning masturbation episodes. I found this to be true with men I dated as well. I could hold out all night as we held each other and kissed and talked. But if either party stayed the night, by morning I was ready to move things to the next level physically.
This morning I woke up with those feelings. I wanted a sexual release. I allowed myself to fantasize about it for a few minutes, talking to my fantasy partner and even began moving that direction. Finally, I pulled myself out of it by saying my sobriety date out loud about 20 times. It pulled me back into reality and gave me the strength to get out of bed.
I immediately got up, and got to work doing other things. Finally a few hours later, I sat down here to do my morning recovery routine and write this out. It's left me feeling vulnerable and exposed. It's left me feeling raw and a little bit fearful. Two minutes and I would have been acting out again. I know what I've done is not acting out but more of middle circle behaviors, similar to gateway drugs. But I've got to get a handle on this. I haven't allowed myself to fantasy for a long, long time.
Truth is I feel very alone right now. I have a lot to process and no one to really process with. I need some recovery friends. Ones I can call up and go to dinner with. I need to find them. I don't want to. But I recognize the need.
No comments:
Post a Comment