My chosen path

I'm struggling today.  I feel lonely with no one to share my life with. 

After this tough weekend with the extended family, I wanted someone to come home to and talk to about it.  I wanted someone to hold me when I cried.  I wanted someone to recognize how hard it is for me and to say I'm so proud of you. 

Church talks and lessons were amazing today. I was inspired and wanted to share that with someone. I wanted someone to discuss everything with. I wanted their opinions and their insights and experience. I wanted to listen to their thoughts and feelings about the topics. 

I'm not sure what to do about my hip and my health insurance situation.  I want someone to discuss the decisions with. 

I went to the temple this week alone.

I real my scriptures alone.

I walk outside alone.

I drive around alone.

I eat alone.

I did all these things alone in Washington, but I had a circle of friends that I did things with.  I didn't always do these things alone and I had people to talk to and to share my life with.  Those people seem so far away right now.

This feeling of being alone and isolated has led me before into acting out.  To escape feelings of being alone, I go online and find someone.  It can be through Craig's List, chat rooms, online personal ads or dating sites, or even just social networking sites.  I find someone, usually as lonely or even lonelier that I am, and seduce them into lusting after me.  I'm not going to do that.  I don't want to use them, nor do I want someone as lonely as I feel to feel worse after I use and abuse them.  I will not turn myself into a predator.

But I am sometimes caught off guard at how quickly my mind goes there and how with a few clicks, I could be back in the thick of it.  Seriously.  I wouldn't be able to stop myself.  Looking at an ad would set me in a spiral I don't think I could recover from.  And I know I would be miserable and not happy.  Way worse than I feel right now, or have felt before in my life. 

No, recovery is my chosen path.  And that means that I will get out of myself and my sick thoughts. I will reach out to other people, I will find friends. I will go to meetings, I will make my phone calls and I will maintain my sobriety.  Nothing will stop that.