Today is a good day. It's the first day in almost a week, where I woke up not wanting to masturbate. That makes it a good day. It means my week of ovulation is over.
Ovulating is seriously the hardest week of the month for me right now. I can handle the menstruating part of my cycle, but the fertile part is difficult for me. I get hit, out of no where, with strong urges for sex. In the past I would tear myself apart trying to find the emotions I was avoiding, the triggers that were happening, or the things I was denying. I would get really frustrated when nothing could be identified. When I first started recovery, I felt really shameful during these weeks. I hadn't quite pieced together what was happening hormonally, and since all sexuality felt shameful, these weeks were really difficult. Early on, they were the weeks I would act out. Before recovery, they were the weeks I would spend online, flaunting my sexuality and engage in acting out behavior.
It was about 10 months ago that I finally saw the pattern and pieced together what was happening. I downloaded an app that helps you track your period and fertility. It sends you reminder messages about ovulation. It has been a lifesaver for me. Understanding and accepting my sex drive as normal, regular, and cycle driven, has truly helped me let go of so much shame associated with it. AND having a reminder that it is coming up has allowed me to manage and prepare for the coming urges.
This month, I got the message, but didn't quite let it sink in or give myself any time to think about it or prepare. My first night of explicit sexual dreams threw me off course. Every muscle in my body is screaming "Impregnate Me!" Everything arouses me and I can go from 0 to 100 in less than a second. It has taken nearly a week to reign it in and feel a little more in control of things.
Part of the problem -- not sure it's a problem -- not sure what it is actually -- is that I like feeling that way. I enjoy feeling sexual. I don't want to feel that way all the time, nor do I want to use that feeling to get what I want, like I've done in the past. I don't want to flaunt it, or use it manipulate men. But I do like it.
Right now, though, I have no outlet for it and won't unless I get married.
Some would call that repression. I call it recovery.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
What THIS Is
Part 2: Here
We went
to the movies Saturday night. I started the evening as confused as ever about what we have, what we are, and what I want. But I had a really great
time. I felt totally relaxed, present and
comfortable. The movie was not awesome,
but I had a really good time regardless.
We drove home and had a profound conversation about his life, my life and our friendship. He said some amazing things. He said he was
incredibly proud of me and the changes I’ve made and the things I’ve overcome
in my life. He cried as he told me how much he was going to miss me. He thanked
me for my friendship, total acceptance and love. I shared with him how much I admire and love
him, and how very grateful I am for him as well. We held hands and laughed and
cried a little bit as we talked about the evolution of our friendship and some
of the experiences we have had together.
It was a moment I will never forget. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt
that accepted, that loved, or that valued before in my life.
It was
also one of those moments where I’m profoundly grateful for recovery. I could
have never been that present for anything like that before. Rather than spend
the whole time analyzing what he said or what I was about to say or what I had
already said or what was the intended meaning behind what he said or trying to
control what was happening, I really just sat in the moment and soaked it all
in. It was incredible.
After a
lull in conversation and a few moments of silence, he said: But I’m
so excited for you and your move. And
with that, the moment was gone. The conversation continued and we talked about
vacations we will take together and trips to see each other, but the incredibly raw, intimate moment was gone. The wall came back up as he commented how much he hopes I will meet
someone and start dating again.
I crawled
into bed later that night really sad. I miss him
already. By the amount of conversation
we have had the last two days, I think the feeling is mutual. And I will take all the time
I can get with him for the next several weeks until I move.
His has been the most significant friendship of my life. I used to think
similar things about other men that have been in my life, but I don’t think any
have affected me so deeply. Nor, do I
think I’ve been as honest, vulnerable, real or present for any of those
relationships.
And one
of the best parts is that there is nothing to run from. Nothing inappropriate
happened. There are no conflicts, no problems, no issues. We can continue to be friends with no
awkwardness. I’m sure the intensity of
the friendship will change due to proximity, but we will remain friends, I hope forever.
I've really been wondering about these moments where I want nothing more than to be near him, to hold him, to kiss him. This is emotional attraction, my therapist pointed out today. This is what healthy couples develop to keep their relationship intimate. This is where deep love is developed. Sexual and physical attraction start a relationship, but in order to keep one alive, emotional attraction has to develop.
I've had the two extremes. With Steve the sexual, physical attraction was deep and intense. But the emotional attraction never developed. I wanted it to, I tried to make it happen, but at that point in my life was incapable of making that type of connection. He, like my gay friend, knew about my addiction, my therapy and all my issues. Yet - rather than feel support and love, he exploited me to meet his own needs.
With this friend, the connection has been equally deep and intense, but has been all emotional. There is no physical attraction on my side, and I assume none on his side either. He knows all my issues both with family and friends and addiction. But - he has chosen to be accepting, supporting and loving through the whole thing.
Now, I'm ready to find something new. I want the deep emotional connection and attraction I've had, but with some physical attraction as well. I think a combination of the two will work for me.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Bad things to Good People?
Why do both my parents have cancer?
Why do I have to struggle with an addiction?
Why is my family so dysfunctional?
Why did my dad have to die?
Why do I need a hip replacement?
Why is losing weight so difficult for me?
Why can't I be married?
Why can't I have my own children?
I'm confident we each have a list of questions. This has been on my mind so much lately. But, I had this great realization while reading the Book of Mormon.
In Alma, chapter 57, Helaman is writing to Captain Moroni describing the battles that his band of 2060 young warriors have been fighting. In describing one of the fiercest battles he says:
But behold, my little band of two thousand and sixty fought most desperately; yea, they were firm before the Lamanities, and did administer death unto all those who opposed them. And as the remainder of our army were about to give way before the Lamanities, behold, those two thousand and sixty were firm and undaunted. Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them.He goes on to explain that this little band was the reason they won the battle. When it was all over and the Lamanities had fled, Helaman was worried about his warriors. He commands that the dead should be searched to be sure that all the wounded were found and attended to. He continues:
And it came to pass that there were two hundred, out of my two thousand and sixty, who had fainted because of the loss of blood; nevertheless, according to the goodness of God, and to our great astonishment, and also the joy of our whole army, there was not one soul of them who did perish;Not one soul perished. Not a single of his 2060 men died. Hundreds of men died. Yet - not a single one of his men died. But the next line is my favorite:
Yea, and neither was there one soul among them who had not received many wounds.These warriors were exactly obedient, as my mission president used to say. They were faithful, firm and undaunted. They scriptures say that according to their faith it was done unto them. Yet - every single one of them was wounded. Not one wound -- many wounds. Every single warrior received many wounds.
Helaman continues with the story:
And now, their preservation was astonishing to our whole army, yea, that they should be spared while there was a thousand of our brethren who were slain. And we do justly ascribe it to the miraculous power of God, because of their exceeding faith in that which they had been taught to believe- that there was a just God, and whosoever did not doubt, that they should be preserved by his marvelous power. Now this was the faith of these of whom I have spoken; they are young, and their minds are firm, and they do put their trust in God continually.The fact is, bad things happen to people; good people, bad people, ugly people, doesn't matter. We live in an imperfect world, where Satan strives to lead the hearts of the people astray. Even these exactly obedient warriors ended up with many wounds. Yet - they made a choice. They believed that there was a just God. They knew that whosoever did not doubt would be preserved. And they chose to put their trust in God continually.
I may never know the answers to my list of questions in this life. But I choose to believe in a just God, and to not concern myself with finding justice for the wrongs done to me. I choose to have faith and not doubt His love for me. And most of all, I choose to put my trust in God continually.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Sensitivity
I'm tired of gay jokes. I'm tired of jokes about addicts, about nerds, about geeks, about blonds, about anyone and everyone. I'm tired of jokes about polygamy, religion, God, bullying, race, culture, and speech patterns. Why, in such a troubled world, where no one escapes pain and suffering, do we continue to inflict additional isolating and marginalizing shame disguised as humor?
What people are really saying with these jokes is "I'm so insecure with you being different from me, that I need to make people laugh about it, so I know I'm not the weird one." It is not a reflection on them, but a total reflection on you.
The next time someone says to me "Really?", in that deep sarcastic tone that really means -- "Are you really stupid enough to do what you just did?", I'm going to call them on it. Do you REALLY think I'm stupid? Do you REALLY think you would have done better than me given the circumstances?
What people are missing here is that we are not the sum total of the things that we do. We are worth way more than that. Each of us, regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in, the choices we make, the words that we use, the things that we think, are children of God. The homeless man on the street, the woman selling her body to make ends meet, the suicide bomber, the gay man, the bully, the bullied, the people caught in addiction, the missionaries, the children, the elderly, are all equally important, equally loved in the sight of God.
Does that mean we welcome each into our homes with complete abandon? Of course not. Does it mean we trust each with our children because they are children of God as well? Never. It doesn't even mean we have to be tolerant of their behavior. But what it does mean is that we have no right or privilege to laugh at some one's expense.
*stepping off soap-box now*
I have been there -- I have felt the shame that humor brings and that is probably why I am so sensitive. But I really am not going to allow it in my presence anymore.
What people are really saying with these jokes is "I'm so insecure with you being different from me, that I need to make people laugh about it, so I know I'm not the weird one." It is not a reflection on them, but a total reflection on you.
The next time someone says to me "Really?", in that deep sarcastic tone that really means -- "Are you really stupid enough to do what you just did?", I'm going to call them on it. Do you REALLY think I'm stupid? Do you REALLY think you would have done better than me given the circumstances?
What people are missing here is that we are not the sum total of the things that we do. We are worth way more than that. Each of us, regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in, the choices we make, the words that we use, the things that we think, are children of God. The homeless man on the street, the woman selling her body to make ends meet, the suicide bomber, the gay man, the bully, the bullied, the people caught in addiction, the missionaries, the children, the elderly, are all equally important, equally loved in the sight of God.
Does that mean we welcome each into our homes with complete abandon? Of course not. Does it mean we trust each with our children because they are children of God as well? Never. It doesn't even mean we have to be tolerant of their behavior. But what it does mean is that we have no right or privilege to laugh at some one's expense.
*stepping off soap-box now*
I have been there -- I have felt the shame that humor brings and that is probably why I am so sensitive. But I really am not going to allow it in my presence anymore.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Setting Dating Boundaries
Boundaries have not been my thing. But I really want them to be my thing. As I talked with my therapist earlier this week about being open to relationships and dating, he asked what my dating boundaries were. I didn't have an answer. And now I have an assignment for the week.
I have always felt that men showing interest in me was a rare thing. And because of that, never felt I could be choosy about who it was, what they looked like, or what they wanted. If a man showed interest, I would jump, and would do things I didn't want to do in order to keep the interest alive. Jumping usually meant crossing physical lines, but there were other things as well. When I felt the interest was dying, I would flaunt my sexuality moving things another level up to keep him around. However, the connections never took the way I wanted them to, and I trapped myself in addiction, thinking all I had to offer was sexuality. It was a sick cycle. One I am very glad to be out of. However, without great effort and boundaries on my side, I can easily see myself slipping back.
And with that in mind, the list of boundaries needs to be decided on. To be honest, this makes me feel like a teenager. My church teaches young men and women to make these boundaries and discuss them. I admit I looked up the Youth Standards to see what they had to say. Hard to believe I've never done this before. But whether I'm 17 or 37, the boundaries need to be in place.
Conversation Boundaries
My addiction does not need to be discussed until I feel safe and the discussion is necessary.
Conversation will not include sexually explicit comments or discussion including sexual history.
Texting Boundaries
I will not sext with anyone.
I will not say things on text I would not say in person.
I will not send objectification pictures -- body parts, etc. whether clothed or not.
Email Boundaries
Same as conversation and texting boundaries.
Flirting Boundaries
I will not flirt with men I have no interest in dating. (This can be hard for me.)
Flirting will not include sexually explicit comments or discussion.
Physical Boundaries
I will have no sexual relations with anyone until we are married.
I will not continue any type of physical intimacy (including hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, etc.) if we are not dating.
That's a start, right? I'm sure I'll need to add to it, but at least I've got a starting point.
I have always felt that men showing interest in me was a rare thing. And because of that, never felt I could be choosy about who it was, what they looked like, or what they wanted. If a man showed interest, I would jump, and would do things I didn't want to do in order to keep the interest alive. Jumping usually meant crossing physical lines, but there were other things as well. When I felt the interest was dying, I would flaunt my sexuality moving things another level up to keep him around. However, the connections never took the way I wanted them to, and I trapped myself in addiction, thinking all I had to offer was sexuality. It was a sick cycle. One I am very glad to be out of. However, without great effort and boundaries on my side, I can easily see myself slipping back.
And with that in mind, the list of boundaries needs to be decided on. To be honest, this makes me feel like a teenager. My church teaches young men and women to make these boundaries and discuss them. I admit I looked up the Youth Standards to see what they had to say. Hard to believe I've never done this before. But whether I'm 17 or 37, the boundaries need to be in place.
Conversation Boundaries
My addiction does not need to be discussed until I feel safe and the discussion is necessary.
Conversation will not include sexually explicit comments or discussion including sexual history.
Texting Boundaries
I will not sext with anyone.
I will not say things on text I would not say in person.
I will not send objectification pictures -- body parts, etc. whether clothed or not.
Email Boundaries
Same as conversation and texting boundaries.
Flirting Boundaries
I will not flirt with men I have no interest in dating. (This can be hard for me.)
Flirting will not include sexually explicit comments or discussion.
Physical Boundaries
I will have no sexual relations with anyone until we are married.
I will not continue any type of physical intimacy (including hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, etc.) if we are not dating.
That's a start, right? I'm sure I'll need to add to it, but at least I've got a starting point.
What is this? Part 2
Part One is here.
We spent Monday night together at dinner and then walking and talking. We spent tonight together, dinner again, and went to a musical downtown. Both nights were great fun. Both nights had totally annoying moments as well.
Tonight, at the theatre, he put his arm around me again. I don't think it was a cuddle move on his part. But this is the second time in a week that he's done that. I resisted the urge to snuggle up to him in any way. I don't know what his intentions are but I keep going back to not being physically attracted to him and thus not flirting or leading men on where there are no intentions on following through. That is one of my boundaries.
I'm wondering what is going on in his head. I really have no idea what he is trying for here. My first reaction is to go with it. If he wants to share some physical intimacy, I could handle that. But again, no physical intimacy or flirting with men I'm not interested in.
But am I interested? I feel so confused about so many things right now. I seem to have a hard time making a decision. I feel like every decision is rejection. Sometimes, in my head I feel like moving is not about running towards something, but about rejecting what I have. And why would I do that, when what I have is so great? I'm not interested in my friend. But again, why would I not be, beside the obvious gay factor? He is really great -- and EVERYONE tells me we should be together. Most think we are dating. But for the record, we are not dating.
Tonight - I feel like I'm 12, raging hormones, unsure about what things mean, embarrassed that I don't understand my own feelings, with no one to call or to check in with because I'm 37, not 12, and at 37 you would think I would know how all of this works. Hilarious - I'm totally laughing at myself right now. If I'm this worked up about a gay man who put his arm around me, imagine a real dating experience???!?!?!
I wrote a few weeks ago about how I felt starved for physical touch. I don't hold hands, cuddle or even hug people on a regular basis. I get hugs from my nursery kids each week, and from the women in my SA meeting -- but that's about it. I can go days on end with no touch whatsoever. It's hard. It can be really hard and feel really lonely and even awkward at times. It just occurred to me that he probably feels the same way. He doesn't have nursery kids or an SA group each week either. We do hug at the end of our evenings together, but that might be the only physical touch he gets? Could these just be attempts to connect physically? And is that so terrible? Could we sit at a movie and cuddle a little bit or hold hands -- would that be bad? Confusing maybe? But maybe not? I don't know --
I feel like I'm still searching for the perfect formula or solution. This doesn't really have to be any more confusing or bad or good than what I make it. They are my boundaries. Some of them can be flexible in certain circumstances and some of them cannot.
When I pull all the layers away -- I know I don't want to be with him in any type of relationship different from what we have. I couldn't live with him, he annoys me too much. I am very happy being very close friends. Tonight he referred to me on the phone as his closest friend. I would say that about him as well. So I can put those ideas to rest. I love him as a friend and nothing more.
Now I need to examine my boundaries around physical touch. Am I ok with him putting his arm around me? Yes. Hugging? Yes. Holding hands during a movie? Yes. Kissing? No. Are those boundaries ok?
We spent Monday night together at dinner and then walking and talking. We spent tonight together, dinner again, and went to a musical downtown. Both nights were great fun. Both nights had totally annoying moments as well.
Tonight, at the theatre, he put his arm around me again. I don't think it was a cuddle move on his part. But this is the second time in a week that he's done that. I resisted the urge to snuggle up to him in any way. I don't know what his intentions are but I keep going back to not being physically attracted to him and thus not flirting or leading men on where there are no intentions on following through. That is one of my boundaries.
I'm wondering what is going on in his head. I really have no idea what he is trying for here. My first reaction is to go with it. If he wants to share some physical intimacy, I could handle that. But again, no physical intimacy or flirting with men I'm not interested in.
But am I interested? I feel so confused about so many things right now. I seem to have a hard time making a decision. I feel like every decision is rejection. Sometimes, in my head I feel like moving is not about running towards something, but about rejecting what I have. And why would I do that, when what I have is so great? I'm not interested in my friend. But again, why would I not be, beside the obvious gay factor? He is really great -- and EVERYONE tells me we should be together. Most think we are dating. But for the record, we are not dating.
Tonight - I feel like I'm 12, raging hormones, unsure about what things mean, embarrassed that I don't understand my own feelings, with no one to call or to check in with because I'm 37, not 12, and at 37 you would think I would know how all of this works. Hilarious - I'm totally laughing at myself right now. If I'm this worked up about a gay man who put his arm around me, imagine a real dating experience???!?!?!
I wrote a few weeks ago about how I felt starved for physical touch. I don't hold hands, cuddle or even hug people on a regular basis. I get hugs from my nursery kids each week, and from the women in my SA meeting -- but that's about it. I can go days on end with no touch whatsoever. It's hard. It can be really hard and feel really lonely and even awkward at times. It just occurred to me that he probably feels the same way. He doesn't have nursery kids or an SA group each week either. We do hug at the end of our evenings together, but that might be the only physical touch he gets? Could these just be attempts to connect physically? And is that so terrible? Could we sit at a movie and cuddle a little bit or hold hands -- would that be bad? Confusing maybe? But maybe not? I don't know --
I feel like I'm still searching for the perfect formula or solution. This doesn't really have to be any more confusing or bad or good than what I make it. They are my boundaries. Some of them can be flexible in certain circumstances and some of them cannot.
When I pull all the layers away -- I know I don't want to be with him in any type of relationship different from what we have. I couldn't live with him, he annoys me too much. I am very happy being very close friends. Tonight he referred to me on the phone as his closest friend. I would say that about him as well. So I can put those ideas to rest. I love him as a friend and nothing more.
Now I need to examine my boundaries around physical touch. Am I ok with him putting his arm around me? Yes. Hugging? Yes. Holding hands during a movie? Yes. Kissing? No. Are those boundaries ok?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Escape
There are some days I can't get myself started to save my life. Today is one of those days. I went to bed late, slept in, stayed in bed a little too long, fantasized about making love, nearly masturbated and finally snapped myself out of it and got up. I have a million things I could be doing, but don't want to do any of them. I have these days every couple of weeks and have been trying to figure out what brings them on and how to get out of them sooner or prevent them all together.
I think it has to do with feeling overwhelmed. All of the above behaviors are escaping behaviors. Staying up late = Trying to escape tomorrow, bringing new things to do
Sleeping Late = Trying to escape the day and doing what is in front of me
Fantasizing = Trying to escape my life or loneliness by creating a fake man and fake relationship
Masturbating = Trying to self-soothe and numb my feelings
Over-eating = Trying to numb my feelings
Yesterday, I ate a bag of sweedish fish. I felt so gross afterwards. It wasn't a huge bad and it wasn't a feeling of over-eating, just a feeling of shame and grossness. Too much sugar, too much candy. YICK!
There is nothing horrible in my life that I need to escape from. Things are going fairly well actually. So why the need to escape? I think it's just the amount of things I need to do. There are a lot of things to get done and I feel overwhelmed. I'm usually good at breaking tasks down and getting things done.
But - no more escaping me for me. I have stacks of things to get done. I will go shower, get cleaned up and work. And I will figure out a way to not get here. I hate these days.
I think it has to do with feeling overwhelmed. All of the above behaviors are escaping behaviors. Staying up late = Trying to escape tomorrow, bringing new things to do
Sleeping Late = Trying to escape the day and doing what is in front of me
Fantasizing = Trying to escape my life or loneliness by creating a fake man and fake relationship
Masturbating = Trying to self-soothe and numb my feelings
Over-eating = Trying to numb my feelings
Yesterday, I ate a bag of sweedish fish. I felt so gross afterwards. It wasn't a huge bad and it wasn't a feeling of over-eating, just a feeling of shame and grossness. Too much sugar, too much candy. YICK!
There is nothing horrible in my life that I need to escape from. Things are going fairly well actually. So why the need to escape? I think it's just the amount of things I need to do. There are a lot of things to get done and I feel overwhelmed. I'm usually good at breaking tasks down and getting things done.
But - no more escaping me for me. I have stacks of things to get done. I will go shower, get cleaned up and work. And I will figure out a way to not get here. I hate these days.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Standing Up
For as long as I can remember, my siblings have referred to "Home Depot" as "Homo Depot". Seriously, it's been happening for years and every time it bothers me. I don't like it and I don't think it's appropriate. In my opinion it makes them sound lame, uneducated, prejudice, and racist. But not only that, it's discriminating and mean. It's just stupid.
Today - on the phone with my little sister - I stood up and asked her to stop it. She sighed, and I could tell she was rolling her eyes at me. But she changed and said "Home Depot".
I am 100% sure she will continue to call it what she wants, but I feel really good about what happened. It was a victory for me, the co-dependent, to stand up for my needs and to ask her to do something different. I don't do that. I'm always over-accommodating and let people do what they want despite my own feelings. But this time I said no. Another point in the win column.
Today - on the phone with my little sister - I stood up and asked her to stop it. She sighed, and I could tell she was rolling her eyes at me. But she changed and said "Home Depot".
I am 100% sure she will continue to call it what she wants, but I feel really good about what happened. It was a victory for me, the co-dependent, to stand up for my needs and to ask her to do something different. I don't do that. I'm always over-accommodating and let people do what they want despite my own feelings. But this time I said no. Another point in the win column.
Monday, April 22, 2013
What is this?
I just need to ramble until I figure out what is going on.........
I'm struggling to determine what is going on for me emotionally with my friend. We spend a lot of time together. We go out to dinner at least once a week. Talk on the phone or text nearly daily and have incredible conversations about our lives. We are not dating. He's gay and during conversations has said he has no intention to marry his way out of it. I am not physically attracted to him in anyway. I never have been. There are times when I am 100% annoyed by him and can't get away fast enough. There are times when I can't get enough of him either. I want to talk and talk and talk and spend time together. We kind of have a surrogate relationship, I guess. I enjoy that he is safe and knows so much about me. I can use the words addiction, sponsor, meeting, therapy, recovery, etc. and he doesn't freak out. I am also incredibly impressed with the person he is. He can set people at ease that I can't. He can be patient and honest with people when I am afraid to hurt their feelings. He is so great with accepting people and honoring who they are. He is an incredible faithful member of a church that is marginalizing of him because of his struggles. I have received miracles at his hands through priesthood blessings. He is incredibly supportive of his family in more ways than I can count. We make a great team and get along really well.
Sometimes I just want to hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder and say I love you. I do love him. I love him for all that he is for all that he has done for me and for the amazing friendship we share. Sometimes we sit in church together and I ache for his arm around me. We sit in a movie and he leans over to talk to me and his lips are so close and I feel like kissing him. It's confusing because I really am not physically attracted to him.
I know this much, it's not a sexual feeling. I know what that kind of attraction feels like. I know sexual tension and connection. This isn't that. This is different. I guess that's why I find it confusing. Is this what normal love feels like? Is this love without addiction? Is it love at all? But I don't want love without some kind of physical, sexual attraction.
This feels like it's all me. I think it is all me. I do believe that. He has made it clear he isn't attracted to women. He has also made it clear that he isn't going to have a relationship with a woman or marry his way out of it. I don't believe he has any kind of these feelings or is struggling. He did cry when I told him I was going to move. I think he enjoys my friendship as much as I enjoy his. I feel secure that what we have is mutual. I don't quite understand what I'm struggling with.
I don't act on any of this. We have never held hands, kissed or been physical. We hug. That's as far as it goes. Well, until yesterday. He put his arm around me at church. He leaned over to talk to me and put his arm around me and then left it there. It wasn't a cuddle move. I don't think it was a move at all. I'm not uncomfortable with it. It didn't feel weird or creepy or wrong. But at the same time it makes things more confusing for me. I feel like I need to put some boundaries around it and around what I'm ok with physically in so many areas.
Ugh. I don't feel any less confused.......
I'm struggling to determine what is going on for me emotionally with my friend. We spend a lot of time together. We go out to dinner at least once a week. Talk on the phone or text nearly daily and have incredible conversations about our lives. We are not dating. He's gay and during conversations has said he has no intention to marry his way out of it. I am not physically attracted to him in anyway. I never have been. There are times when I am 100% annoyed by him and can't get away fast enough. There are times when I can't get enough of him either. I want to talk and talk and talk and spend time together. We kind of have a surrogate relationship, I guess. I enjoy that he is safe and knows so much about me. I can use the words addiction, sponsor, meeting, therapy, recovery, etc. and he doesn't freak out. I am also incredibly impressed with the person he is. He can set people at ease that I can't. He can be patient and honest with people when I am afraid to hurt their feelings. He is so great with accepting people and honoring who they are. He is an incredible faithful member of a church that is marginalizing of him because of his struggles. I have received miracles at his hands through priesthood blessings. He is incredibly supportive of his family in more ways than I can count. We make a great team and get along really well.
Sometimes I just want to hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder and say I love you. I do love him. I love him for all that he is for all that he has done for me and for the amazing friendship we share. Sometimes we sit in church together and I ache for his arm around me. We sit in a movie and he leans over to talk to me and his lips are so close and I feel like kissing him. It's confusing because I really am not physically attracted to him.
I know this much, it's not a sexual feeling. I know what that kind of attraction feels like. I know sexual tension and connection. This isn't that. This is different. I guess that's why I find it confusing. Is this what normal love feels like? Is this love without addiction? Is it love at all? But I don't want love without some kind of physical, sexual attraction.
This feels like it's all me. I think it is all me. I do believe that. He has made it clear he isn't attracted to women. He has also made it clear that he isn't going to have a relationship with a woman or marry his way out of it. I don't believe he has any kind of these feelings or is struggling. He did cry when I told him I was going to move. I think he enjoys my friendship as much as I enjoy his. I feel secure that what we have is mutual. I don't quite understand what I'm struggling with.
I don't act on any of this. We have never held hands, kissed or been physical. We hug. That's as far as it goes. Well, until yesterday. He put his arm around me at church. He leaned over to talk to me and put his arm around me and then left it there. It wasn't a cuddle move. I don't think it was a move at all. I'm not uncomfortable with it. It didn't feel weird or creepy or wrong. But at the same time it makes things more confusing for me. I feel like I need to put some boundaries around it and around what I'm ok with physically in so many areas.
Ugh. I don't feel any less confused.......
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Energy
I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I'm exhausted. I was up until 2pm with my friend last night trying to lend a listening ear and be supportive. I was up at 7 to go to my SA meeting -- great meeting. I have a game night I'm in charge of tonight for the single adults in my area and have a lot of set up that needs to get done. I'm hungry, tired, and feel pulled a million directions with not a lot of support. I'm frustrated about it. I have to dig deep and find the energy and strength to put on a happy face and make this the best night EVER for these people!!! I can do it!!!!!
I really just want people to leave me alone. The good and bad of being connected is also being asked to do a lot of things and always having to be "on". I'm frustrated with that. I say no to so many things, yet people keep asking and people give me guilt trips about saying NO more often. HELLO! You have no idea how many things I do say no to.
This is just complaining. I'm tired of single adults who do nothing but drain the energy from me and who are self-absorbed. They expect everyone to put everything on for them and don't contribute. But I won't waste my time going to stupid events -- SO -- I will go tonight and set up and have an awesome time and put on a smile and a happy face and sing my lungs out on Karaoke!
AND then, I will come home and sleep.
I really just want people to leave me alone. The good and bad of being connected is also being asked to do a lot of things and always having to be "on". I'm frustrated with that. I say no to so many things, yet people keep asking and people give me guilt trips about saying NO more often. HELLO! You have no idea how many things I do say no to.
This is just complaining. I'm tired of single adults who do nothing but drain the energy from me and who are self-absorbed. They expect everyone to put everything on for them and don't contribute. But I won't waste my time going to stupid events -- SO -- I will go tonight and set up and have an awesome time and put on a smile and a happy face and sing my lungs out on Karaoke!
AND then, I will come home and sleep.
Friday, April 19, 2013
It's Official
One decision down -- I'm moving. Yep. I have a hard time believeing it sometimes. I'm convinced it won't be easy and that there will be some issues, challenges and problems, but it will be ok. I'm looking forward to it. I've needed a change in my life for awhile and I couldn't really figure out what it was, but now I know.
I went to the temple yesterday seeking peace and confirmation of my decision. I received it in the amazing peace and joy I felt there. I have had a hard time going to the temple this last year. It has been my own guilt and shame that has kept me from going. But after my experience yesterday, I will not let that keep me from going again. I truly felt renewed by my attendance yesterday. I will go more often. I will feel that renewing power more in my life.
I feel confident about going. I know where I want to live, I know what some of my goals are and what I want to do. And more importantly, I know I will be successful. I know that because of the spirit I felt yesterday at the temple. I will move on faith and it will all work out.
Here I come. Get ready.
I went to the temple yesterday seeking peace and confirmation of my decision. I received it in the amazing peace and joy I felt there. I have had a hard time going to the temple this last year. It has been my own guilt and shame that has kept me from going. But after my experience yesterday, I will not let that keep me from going again. I truly felt renewed by my attendance yesterday. I will go more often. I will feel that renewing power more in my life.
I feel confident about going. I know where I want to live, I know what some of my goals are and what I want to do. And more importantly, I know I will be successful. I know that because of the spirit I felt yesterday at the temple. I will move on faith and it will all work out.
Here I come. Get ready.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Appropriate Reactions
As mentioned before, two of my brothers, their wives, my mom and me had a few heated discussions while I was visiting last week. The discussion started with the gay marriage and homosexuality debate. For the record, I do not support gay marriage. The prophet says no, I say no. That's how it works for me. We were all in agreement about that. But the boys took it one step further and said things like, even defining yourself as gay or homosexual is a sin. I don't believe that is right. One of my very best friends is gay. He wept when he told me, and described the nights of crying himself to sleep or the nights spent on his knees begging for relief. I know him. I know of his goodness. I know of his kindness and worthiness. I have received priesthood blessings by his hands and had miracles performed in my life through those blessings. He did not choose his struggle, but has born it impressively.
During the discussion my brother said: "Even if I knew a man who professed to be gay, but was not acting on it and was worthy in every way, I would not expose my children to him, ever. In the same way, even if I knew an alcoholic who had been sober for 5, 10 or 15 years, I wouldn't want to expose my children to them. I wouldn't expose my children to an addict of any kind."
Though the comment stung a little bit, I wasn't overly upset or concerned. My family doesn't know about my addictions. I challenged him a little bit about his thinking. I feel by avoiding the topic or exposure you disadvantage your children. The exposure will happen, whether you want it to or not. You can control it when they're young, you could do it in a way that opens a dialog and allows you to be in control of what is said. Or you can wait for the exposure to happen on its own and hope and pray that your children will come talk to you about it. Changes are, if they talk about it at school in a shameful way, your child will probably not come talk to you about it because they are already feeling shameful. But that is just my own opinion made up from my experiences in addiction and recovery.
I discussed this on Monday with my therapist and again last night with my friend. I was neither angry nor upset in either discussion. Ultimately, my brothers are saying that I can't be in their lives or the lives of my nephews. I'm an addict. Based on what they said, if they knew, I couldn't be part of their lives. Talk about the ultimate rejection. That is my worst case scenario. All the times my therapist tried to get me to talk to my family about my addiction, I would always go to that place where they wouldn't allow me to be part of their family anymore.
However, I know I would be ok. My family lives in a fantasy world where they think they can protect and barricade themselves in. It is that kind of mentality and thinking that drove me to addiction to begin with. I couldn't deal with my own emotions and had to find an outlet or a way to numb them. My reality includes addiction. My reality includes weekly therapy, a sponsor, weekly recovery meetings, daily recovery journaling and reading and accountability. And I really like my reality. My family might shut me out of their fantasy world where there is no addiction, no pain, no struggling, and no suffering. But then they are also shut out of my reality where there is hope, love, acceptance, validation, empathy, compassion, and joy. I would miss them terribly and it would be a devastation in my life. But -- I couldn't live in that fantasy world anyway.
When I began writing today, I anticipated ending with anger. After my discussion last night, I was angry. But as I wrote, the anger dissipated. One day, my brothers will have to face addiction and homosexuality and homelessness and all of the other horrible things that happen in the world. They will have to challenge their own thought processes and hopefully come to better conclusions. It will be a hard day for them.
The Savior, in his mortal ministry, was accepting of all, the woman in adultery, the harlot, the lepers, the lame, the possessed, the sick, the children, the elderly, the sinners, even the soldiers who killed him. He loved them, spoke with them, healed them, forgave them, hugged them, prayed for them, and counseled them. We can't follow his example barricaded up in a fantasy world where those problems don't exist. I would much rather stay firmly rooted in reality. I'm happier here.
During the discussion my brother said: "Even if I knew a man who professed to be gay, but was not acting on it and was worthy in every way, I would not expose my children to him, ever. In the same way, even if I knew an alcoholic who had been sober for 5, 10 or 15 years, I wouldn't want to expose my children to them. I wouldn't expose my children to an addict of any kind."
Though the comment stung a little bit, I wasn't overly upset or concerned. My family doesn't know about my addictions. I challenged him a little bit about his thinking. I feel by avoiding the topic or exposure you disadvantage your children. The exposure will happen, whether you want it to or not. You can control it when they're young, you could do it in a way that opens a dialog and allows you to be in control of what is said. Or you can wait for the exposure to happen on its own and hope and pray that your children will come talk to you about it. Changes are, if they talk about it at school in a shameful way, your child will probably not come talk to you about it because they are already feeling shameful. But that is just my own opinion made up from my experiences in addiction and recovery.
I discussed this on Monday with my therapist and again last night with my friend. I was neither angry nor upset in either discussion. Ultimately, my brothers are saying that I can't be in their lives or the lives of my nephews. I'm an addict. Based on what they said, if they knew, I couldn't be part of their lives. Talk about the ultimate rejection. That is my worst case scenario. All the times my therapist tried to get me to talk to my family about my addiction, I would always go to that place where they wouldn't allow me to be part of their family anymore.
However, I know I would be ok. My family lives in a fantasy world where they think they can protect and barricade themselves in. It is that kind of mentality and thinking that drove me to addiction to begin with. I couldn't deal with my own emotions and had to find an outlet or a way to numb them. My reality includes addiction. My reality includes weekly therapy, a sponsor, weekly recovery meetings, daily recovery journaling and reading and accountability. And I really like my reality. My family might shut me out of their fantasy world where there is no addiction, no pain, no struggling, and no suffering. But then they are also shut out of my reality where there is hope, love, acceptance, validation, empathy, compassion, and joy. I would miss them terribly and it would be a devastation in my life. But -- I couldn't live in that fantasy world anyway.
When I began writing today, I anticipated ending with anger. After my discussion last night, I was angry. But as I wrote, the anger dissipated. One day, my brothers will have to face addiction and homosexuality and homelessness and all of the other horrible things that happen in the world. They will have to challenge their own thought processes and hopefully come to better conclusions. It will be a hard day for them.
The Savior, in his mortal ministry, was accepting of all, the woman in adultery, the harlot, the lepers, the lame, the possessed, the sick, the children, the elderly, the sinners, even the soldiers who killed him. He loved them, spoke with them, healed them, forgave them, hugged them, prayed for them, and counseled them. We can't follow his example barricaded up in a fantasy world where those problems don't exist. I would much rather stay firmly rooted in reality. I'm happier here.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Decisions
I'm home. It was a long drive, extended by being stuck on the mountain for 4 hours while the pass was closed. It was a killer for my hip, which has slowly been getting worse. I played "Just Dance" with my nephews all night on Friday. SO FUN - but I'm paying for it even today.
I can't decide what to do with my hip. Between the dysphasia, impingement, tilted pelvis, and enlarged, torn labrum I'm not doing well. Do I wait it out or do I go ahead with a replacement? I can't be as active as I want to be with the pain in my hip. I can't take care of my yard or do much of anything else that I would like to. It's hard to lose weight when you can't be active and in pain. I don't like it.
The other thing I'm really struggling with is whether or not to move to Utah. All the moves of my life have been so spirit driven. I've had significant impressions to move to certain places. College was that way, careers have been that way. Everything has been very undeniable. But this one is different. When I was applying for a job in Utah, my heart was full of the spirit. I remember crying as I wrote the cover letter and words just came to my mind. But I didn't get the job. Maybe the spirit was just for that general direction. Also, when I was driving around last week, I had a moment where I described what I wanted my life to be like. I said to my mom "I want to move to Utah, teach a few classes, foster some teenagers and figure life out." I felt the spirit then as well. But I look at my life here and think I'm slightly crazy to be willing to walk away from what I have. Not that I couldn't build connections again, I feel confident that I could. But what I have is a good life. Why would I want to change that? Ever?? I don't know.
These two rather major decisions occupy my brain all the time. I've got to find a way to let go a little better.
I can't decide what to do with my hip. Between the dysphasia, impingement, tilted pelvis, and enlarged, torn labrum I'm not doing well. Do I wait it out or do I go ahead with a replacement? I can't be as active as I want to be with the pain in my hip. I can't take care of my yard or do much of anything else that I would like to. It's hard to lose weight when you can't be active and in pain. I don't like it.
The other thing I'm really struggling with is whether or not to move to Utah. All the moves of my life have been so spirit driven. I've had significant impressions to move to certain places. College was that way, careers have been that way. Everything has been very undeniable. But this one is different. When I was applying for a job in Utah, my heart was full of the spirit. I remember crying as I wrote the cover letter and words just came to my mind. But I didn't get the job. Maybe the spirit was just for that general direction. Also, when I was driving around last week, I had a moment where I described what I wanted my life to be like. I said to my mom "I want to move to Utah, teach a few classes, foster some teenagers and figure life out." I felt the spirit then as well. But I look at my life here and think I'm slightly crazy to be willing to walk away from what I have. Not that I couldn't build connections again, I feel confident that I could. But what I have is a good life. Why would I want to change that? Ever?? I don't know.
These two rather major decisions occupy my brain all the time. I've got to find a way to let go a little better.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Family Boundaries
Utah really is a beautiful state. I love the sunshine but especially the mountains. It's the mountains that draw me in. I've seen lots of mountains, but nothing compares to the mountains in Utah.
I'm in Utah visiting my family. I've been here since Monday and leave on Saturday. It's been an interesting week full of ups and downs. In all ways, I'm very happy to be here. I love my nephews and my niece. I love my brothers and sisters and their incredible families. I had my therapy appointment by phone on Wednesday -- that was nice.
My mom is struggling. I had an interesting conversation with her in the car today about so many things. I was glad to hear her use the word boundaries. I was sad when she cried and said she doesn't feel pretty. Her mom used to say things to her like -- we need to do something with that hair, you have so many freckles, we just need to do something so you look pretty. Mom doesn't feel prety. She never has. She said she has a closet full of clothes she hates and is always, always searching for that one perfect outfit to make her pretty. I wanted to share with her my gym moment, but it didn't feel right. Maybe one day. She is really struggling. She is so lonely. My siblings are not always nice to her. She is really having a difficult time. I am so sad for her. I really want to help and don't know how. She is really struggling. My brother told he they won't have air conditioning for the summer. My mom has MS - no AC makes for a killer summer.
We had a rather heated discussion last night about homosexuality and women's rights. It was an interesting conversation with my brothers and my mom. Some very interesting points were made and I feel a lot more comfortable in my position. It was interesting to watch the dynamic though. My brother said - I just need us all to be one, to agree on everything. My sister got mad and went upstairs by herself. My brothers make huge leaps in logic and don't listen to everything people say.
I am really quite shocked at the way two of my brothers argue and say things. They are disrespectful and downright rude. They are so self-absorbed and can't see outside of themselves and their own situation.
I'm really sad tonight. I don't know what to do for my mom. I want to rescue her. I want to take care of it and do what needs to be done. She is so lonely --- and I know part of that is my withdrawal over the past year to claim my own life and my own emotions and perspective and experiences.
I'm in Utah visiting my family. I've been here since Monday and leave on Saturday. It's been an interesting week full of ups and downs. In all ways, I'm very happy to be here. I love my nephews and my niece. I love my brothers and sisters and their incredible families. I had my therapy appointment by phone on Wednesday -- that was nice.
My mom is struggling. I had an interesting conversation with her in the car today about so many things. I was glad to hear her use the word boundaries. I was sad when she cried and said she doesn't feel pretty. Her mom used to say things to her like -- we need to do something with that hair, you have so many freckles, we just need to do something so you look pretty. Mom doesn't feel prety. She never has. She said she has a closet full of clothes she hates and is always, always searching for that one perfect outfit to make her pretty. I wanted to share with her my gym moment, but it didn't feel right. Maybe one day. She is really struggling. She is so lonely. My siblings are not always nice to her. She is really having a difficult time. I am so sad for her. I really want to help and don't know how. She is really struggling. My brother told he they won't have air conditioning for the summer. My mom has MS - no AC makes for a killer summer.
We had a rather heated discussion last night about homosexuality and women's rights. It was an interesting conversation with my brothers and my mom. Some very interesting points were made and I feel a lot more comfortable in my position. It was interesting to watch the dynamic though. My brother said - I just need us all to be one, to agree on everything. My sister got mad and went upstairs by herself. My brothers make huge leaps in logic and don't listen to everything people say.
I am really quite shocked at the way two of my brothers argue and say things. They are disrespectful and downright rude. They are so self-absorbed and can't see outside of themselves and their own situation.
I'm really sad tonight. I don't know what to do for my mom. I want to rescue her. I want to take care of it and do what needs to be done. She is so lonely --- and I know part of that is my withdrawal over the past year to claim my own life and my own emotions and perspective and experiences.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Learning to Date
After my freakout about Friday night, I got some perspective on Saturday. After analyzing and replaying my behavior in my head a million times, I am completely comfortable with what happened. I was not inappropriate, my flirting was not out of line and I was looking forward to my date last night.
Yes, I went on a date last night. I believe it was my first date since starting recovery, at least my first official date with a man I don't know. A date is all about determining whether or not you want to get to know someone, right? Overall, it was fine. I enjoyed the movie and the little bit of conversation we had. However, I have no interest in spending a lot of time with him. I have no interest in a second date at all. I felt like I kept really good boundaries. Once I made the decision about not wanting a second date, I quit flirting with him. I don't want to lead someone on when I have no intention of following through.
When I got home, he sent me a text message: "Thank you. It's been fun chatting it up with ya. I'm just scratching my head trying to figure out how you resist throwing yourself at all of this awesome manliness?"
Ummm.... how do I respond to that? I said: When you've had the experiences I have, you prefer the slow route for most every kind of relationship. I'm much more interested in starting as friends before getting romantic.
He continued to try and flirt with me, making suggestions of wrestling, couch dancing, kissing and how hot my height was. I was totally uncomfortable. I AM totally uncomfortable with it. I didn't invite the sexual comments and innuendos. I almost feel violated? No, that's too big of a word for what I feel. Objectified -- that's what I feel -- I feel objectified.
He expressed no real interest in me as a person. He didn't ask question about who I was or what I enjoyed or what made me, me. I tried to engage in normal get to know you conversation last night. He told me about himself, but didn't express an equal amount of interest in me. Then, he tried to connect with me physically.
I've been there. I've done what he did last night. I get it. Not knowing how to make a real connection, I've flaunted my sexuality to make one. Not confident in who I was or what I had to offer, I resulted to the only think I knew men wouldn't turn down, my body.
However, I don't live that way anymore. It feels amazing!! To honestly feel like I don't have to live that way anymore is liberating. I was in control of my feelings the entire time. I didn't even think about acting out - nor was I tempted too - I didn't want to. I also am aware, now, of what my own objectification issues are. Every time I act out, I am objectifying myself and the partner I am with. It doesn't feel good. I was never aware of that feeling or could identify it before. I do not like knowing that I was probably involved in actions that made others feel that way. I objectified people. I objectified men. I occassionally do it now, when I see men as lust objects and not people.
I'm grateful for this experience. It makes me think about the kind of relationship I want to have. It makes me really think about who I want them to be. I've always looked at it in terms of what I want them to do for me and the kind of relationship we would have. But I'm enjoying thinking about the type of person they are. Kind, curious, respectful, worthy priesthood holder, dancer, compassionate, enjoy talking, likes to learn, aware of needs of others, sensitive to those around him. I want him to have hobbies and interests that he feels strongly about. Probably a tall order, but still, it's fun to think about.
Yes, I went on a date last night. I believe it was my first date since starting recovery, at least my first official date with a man I don't know. A date is all about determining whether or not you want to get to know someone, right? Overall, it was fine. I enjoyed the movie and the little bit of conversation we had. However, I have no interest in spending a lot of time with him. I have no interest in a second date at all. I felt like I kept really good boundaries. Once I made the decision about not wanting a second date, I quit flirting with him. I don't want to lead someone on when I have no intention of following through.
When I got home, he sent me a text message: "Thank you. It's been fun chatting it up with ya. I'm just scratching my head trying to figure out how you resist throwing yourself at all of this awesome manliness?"
Ummm.... how do I respond to that? I said: When you've had the experiences I have, you prefer the slow route for most every kind of relationship. I'm much more interested in starting as friends before getting romantic.
He continued to try and flirt with me, making suggestions of wrestling, couch dancing, kissing and how hot my height was. I was totally uncomfortable. I AM totally uncomfortable with it. I didn't invite the sexual comments and innuendos. I almost feel violated? No, that's too big of a word for what I feel. Objectified -- that's what I feel -- I feel objectified.
He expressed no real interest in me as a person. He didn't ask question about who I was or what I enjoyed or what made me, me. I tried to engage in normal get to know you conversation last night. He told me about himself, but didn't express an equal amount of interest in me. Then, he tried to connect with me physically.
I've been there. I've done what he did last night. I get it. Not knowing how to make a real connection, I've flaunted my sexuality to make one. Not confident in who I was or what I had to offer, I resulted to the only think I knew men wouldn't turn down, my body.
However, I don't live that way anymore. It feels amazing!! To honestly feel like I don't have to live that way anymore is liberating. I was in control of my feelings the entire time. I didn't even think about acting out - nor was I tempted too - I didn't want to. I also am aware, now, of what my own objectification issues are. Every time I act out, I am objectifying myself and the partner I am with. It doesn't feel good. I was never aware of that feeling or could identify it before. I do not like knowing that I was probably involved in actions that made others feel that way. I objectified people. I objectified men. I occassionally do it now, when I see men as lust objects and not people.
I'm grateful for this experience. It makes me think about the kind of relationship I want to have. It makes me really think about who I want them to be. I've always looked at it in terms of what I want them to do for me and the kind of relationship we would have. But I'm enjoying thinking about the type of person they are. Kind, curious, respectful, worthy priesthood holder, dancer, compassionate, enjoy talking, likes to learn, aware of needs of others, sensitive to those around him. I want him to have hobbies and interests that he feels strongly about. Probably a tall order, but still, it's fun to think about.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Uncertain
I just got home from a single adult dance for my church. I met a guy there and I'm uncertain of my behavior. He asked me out for tomorrow evening and I agreed. But now I'm doubting myself.
Did I flirt with him because I could? I wasn't physically attracted to him, though he smelled good. I will say that. He's funny and we have similar interests. I asked him to dance with me but he said no and then tried to make up for it all evening. I don't know -- I'm confused. I'm confused about the whole thing. My therapist keeps saying I need to start dating, and I want to. But it is hard!!
I learned my flirting/relationship/dating skills from predators. Though I know that doesn't make me a predator, it makes me really uncertain about what I'm doing. When I go into that mode it feels weird. I don't necessarily trust myself or what I'm doing. Did I just want someone to lust after me or do I really want to spend an evening getting to know him? I don't know the answer to that.
There was nothing inappropriate about anything that happened. We didn't hold hands or kiss. There was no sexual talk or even innuendos. Everything was above board and good. But I sit here a little bit anxious and scared about it. What if we see a movie and he wants to hold my hand? Will I be able to say no? Can I really hold a boundary? Am I just starting the cycle all over again?
Did I flirt with him because I could? I wasn't physically attracted to him, though he smelled good. I will say that. He's funny and we have similar interests. I asked him to dance with me but he said no and then tried to make up for it all evening. I don't know -- I'm confused. I'm confused about the whole thing. My therapist keeps saying I need to start dating, and I want to. But it is hard!!
I learned my flirting/relationship/dating skills from predators. Though I know that doesn't make me a predator, it makes me really uncertain about what I'm doing. When I go into that mode it feels weird. I don't necessarily trust myself or what I'm doing. Did I just want someone to lust after me or do I really want to spend an evening getting to know him? I don't know the answer to that.
There was nothing inappropriate about anything that happened. We didn't hold hands or kiss. There was no sexual talk or even innuendos. Everything was above board and good. But I sit here a little bit anxious and scared about it. What if we see a movie and he wants to hold my hand? Will I be able to say no? Can I really hold a boundary? Am I just starting the cycle all over again?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Paralyzed
Now I am here. I went through Facebook, all my email, and did my daily recovery stuff. But yet, here I sit, not wanting to move in any direction. Prior to recovery, this moment would lead to acting out. Overwhelmed and paralyzed with too many emotions, I would either go to the kitchen and proceed to eat anything and everything trying to numb my feelings, or I would go lay down and masturbate, hoping the physical and emotional release would push me through the overwhelmed stage. I know I'm making progress when neither of those options sounds good to me. Both end in emotional, possibly physical pain, and do nothing to help me emotionally.
Thankfully, I have other tools now, though I sometimes forget to use them. It's not that I forget, I just tend to think of them last. That bothers me. Core emotion writing was one of the most helpful things I've learned about and worked with. When I was doing this daily, I would go to bed at night emotionally at peace. It allowed me to process the things I was feeling and not let them build up in my system. Here goes:
Shame: I don't know if it's shame that I feel. I wouldn't use the word "sex" when I talked to my brother about my addiction yesterday. I just said I had an addiction. Does that mean I still have shame around it? Does that mean I'm still shame-ridden? I don't know. Is there another layer there I need to pull back.
Guilt: I feel guilty about the way I have treated my sister - and in some cases continue to do so. I can't find middle ground with her. I can't seem to make anything work with her. Does that mean I'm invested in her issues? Or does it mean I just don't care? I feel very apathetic towards the whole thing and feel guilty about that. Everything surrounding her makes me feel guilty. I don't do enough, I do too much. I've created this situation, she takes her issues out on me, I can't control that. I don't know. It is all very confusing and very complicated. I don't want it to be though. I just want it to be over.
Pain: My hip hurts. I found out this week that there really is nothing that can be done. I will eventually need a hip replacement. The doctor said I should wait as long as possible before I have one, the goal being 10 years. I'm not sure what to do - or how - or if - or what. But it hurts.
Fear: I told my brother about my addiction yesterday. I haven't told anyone in my family. I used the word addiction, but no the word sex. I was too scared. I haven't heard anything from him since. He's not on email or chat this morning and he didn't call last night like he said he would. I specifically asked him to keep the information confidential. We'll see if he does. But I'm scared. I'm scared our relationship will never be the same again. I'm scared he thinks less of me. I'm scared he will tell people about it. I'm scared he won't get help if he needs it. I'm scared that my whole world is going to come crashing in on me and I'll have to run away. I want to run away.
Anger: I don't feel angry -- I don't feel a lot of anger these days. It's momentary and it's fleeting. Anger takes too much effort to sustain. I'm grateful for that. It took up too much of my life for too long.
Loneliness: I have been desperately lonely the last week or so. I love these kids I work with, but they're not my family. I miss my family. Yet - I can't handle being around my sister at all. I feel this deep need for someone to share my life with and to share their life with me. I miss my bff who is out of town this week, yet last week he was bugging me. But I don't want this type of intimate, partner relationship with him. He's just a substitute. When I used to think about a partner, it was all about what they did for me. Now I'm more interested in who they are, what type of person they are, what things we will do together. I don't need to them to take care of me emotionally, which is what I've wanted for so long. I can take care of myself emotionally -- wow. That is something I couldn't say 6 months ago. But I can now. What I seek in a relationship now is partnership rather than caretaking. That is a shift that I like. But I'm still lonely.
Passion: My body is screaming for touch right now. It's been so long since I've held hands, cuddled, hugged, or anything of the sort. Two years actually. It's been two years since I've done anything like that. What I feel will pass -- it has for the last two years -- but sometimes my body has a mind of it's own and wants things.
Joy: I had a sobriety anniversary yesterday. That was nice. Everyday sober is a good day -- that's what my therapist tells me.
Love: I don't feel love today.
Helps for sure -- but still have a lot going on.... maybe need to do this a few times today to get through it all.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Disclosure
My brother sent me an email today.
"Why did you start seeing a counselor?"
That was the entire contents of the email. I was taken back at first. This brother is the truth seeker. He needs to know and understand the reasoning and truth behind everything he does. He's also the brother that has a porn addiction, or so my mother says. He did when we were younger. I remember when he got in trouble for having cut out pictures of lingerie from the JC Penny catalog under his mattress.
Although my therapist has encouraged a family disclosure in the past, he finally gave it up about 6 months ago concluding that in my severely enmeshed family, it's not secrecy that we need to overcome, rather boundaries we need to develop.
But, could I pass this opportunity up?
I dug a little deeper -- why are you asking? curiosity? rumor confirmation?
"I think I want to see a counselor." was his response. Ok - I think I should be honest then.
I didn't use the word sex - but I did say - I have an addiction and needed some help to get a handle on it. I also said, I had so much anger and resentment towards dad that I knew I needed help getting over it. I didn't want him to die with me feeling that way. I also told him that Steve was married the whole 7 years I dated him and that I felt I was lacking basic emotional skills and couldn't handle situations without getting angry or frustrated.
He was very short after that. One word answers. But several minutes later came back and wrote: Thank you.
Not sure what can of worms or Pandora's box I just opened. For a few moments I was a little manic about it. But right now, I feel congruent.
"Why did you start seeing a counselor?"
That was the entire contents of the email. I was taken back at first. This brother is the truth seeker. He needs to know and understand the reasoning and truth behind everything he does. He's also the brother that has a porn addiction, or so my mother says. He did when we were younger. I remember when he got in trouble for having cut out pictures of lingerie from the JC Penny catalog under his mattress.
Although my therapist has encouraged a family disclosure in the past, he finally gave it up about 6 months ago concluding that in my severely enmeshed family, it's not secrecy that we need to overcome, rather boundaries we need to develop.
But, could I pass this opportunity up?
I dug a little deeper -- why are you asking? curiosity? rumor confirmation?
"I think I want to see a counselor." was his response. Ok - I think I should be honest then.
I didn't use the word sex - but I did say - I have an addiction and needed some help to get a handle on it. I also said, I had so much anger and resentment towards dad that I knew I needed help getting over it. I didn't want him to die with me feeling that way. I also told him that Steve was married the whole 7 years I dated him and that I felt I was lacking basic emotional skills and couldn't handle situations without getting angry or frustrated.
He was very short after that. One word answers. But several minutes later came back and wrote: Thank you.
Not sure what can of worms or Pandora's box I just opened. For a few moments I was a little manic about it. But right now, I feel congruent.
The Lord's Boundaries
When I try to set boundaries with people, I feel bitchy. I feel like people will see me as selfish, self-absorbed, inflexible, rude, mean, unfeeling, uncaring, demanding and high-maintenance.
Several years ago, my family gathered for a family reunion. Somehow, there was a huge falling out. I wasn't in the room when it happened, and to this day don't fully understand what went on. But it was nasty. One of my brothers took his family and left in the middle of the night and my sister and her husband left early the next day. Those of us still left for another day were on both sides of the argument and so the day was not without additional incidents. Again, the sequence of events is not clear to me, but at some point in time, my brother said something to the affect of: Even the Lord has standards of behavior. He is accepting of all and loving, caring and empathetic. But, there are still standards of behavior required to receive his presence and return and live with him again. I have never forgotten that.
Even the Lord has boundaries, and from the looks of it, I would call them boundaries on steroids.
The Sacrament
See that ye partake not of the sacrament of Christ unworthily; but see that ye do all things in worthiness... (Mormon 9:29)
The Temple
And that no unclean thing shall be permitted to come into thy house to pollute it... (Doctrine and Covenants 109:20)
Kingdom of God
But behold, and awful death cometh upon the wicked; for they die as to things pertaining to things of righteousness; for they are unclean, and no unclean thing can inherit the kingdom of God; but they are cast out, and consigned to partake of the fruits of their labors or their works, which have been evil;... (Alma 40:26)
And no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom; therefore nothing entereth into his rest save it be those who have washed their garments in my blood, because of their faith, and the repentance of all their sins, and their faithfulness unto the end. (3 Nephi 27:19)
Anger
But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment; and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. (Matthew 5:22)
Passion
Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness. (Alma 38:12)
There are more, I am sure of that. These are just the few that I could pick off the top of my head. From experience, I will tell you that you can't set boundaries with another person until you fully understand your own worth; until you're ready for them to walk away and not respect the boundary you have set. Until you understand that their honoring or disrespecting your boundary is not a reflection on you, but a reflection on them.
Several years ago, my family gathered for a family reunion. Somehow, there was a huge falling out. I wasn't in the room when it happened, and to this day don't fully understand what went on. But it was nasty. One of my brothers took his family and left in the middle of the night and my sister and her husband left early the next day. Those of us still left for another day were on both sides of the argument and so the day was not without additional incidents. Again, the sequence of events is not clear to me, but at some point in time, my brother said something to the affect of: Even the Lord has standards of behavior. He is accepting of all and loving, caring and empathetic. But, there are still standards of behavior required to receive his presence and return and live with him again. I have never forgotten that.
Even the Lord has boundaries, and from the looks of it, I would call them boundaries on steroids.
The Sacrament
See that ye partake not of the sacrament of Christ unworthily; but see that ye do all things in worthiness... (Mormon 9:29)
The Temple
And that no unclean thing shall be permitted to come into thy house to pollute it... (Doctrine and Covenants 109:20)
Kingdom of God
But behold, and awful death cometh upon the wicked; for they die as to things pertaining to things of righteousness; for they are unclean, and no unclean thing can inherit the kingdom of God; but they are cast out, and consigned to partake of the fruits of their labors or their works, which have been evil;... (Alma 40:26)
And no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom; therefore nothing entereth into his rest save it be those who have washed their garments in my blood, because of their faith, and the repentance of all their sins, and their faithfulness unto the end. (3 Nephi 27:19)
Anger
But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment; and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. (Matthew 5:22)
Passion
Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness. (Alma 38:12)
There are more, I am sure of that. These are just the few that I could pick off the top of my head. From experience, I will tell you that you can't set boundaries with another person until you fully understand your own worth; until you're ready for them to walk away and not respect the boundary you have set. Until you understand that their honoring or disrespecting your boundary is not a reflection on you, but a reflection on them.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
The Balancing Act
I evidently have a lot to say today, as this is my third post. I'm a Dr. Who fan, more commonly called a Whovian. I've seen every episode of the BBC cult show, both classic and modern and know the stories, enemies, and companions by name. I am a bit of a science fiction nerd. I stand alone in my family, who are all deeply grounded in reality. With the return of new DW episodes last Saturday, I spent a little time on the Internet reading and looking at new stuff. I liked several facebook pages and read several articles about the cult show and it's fandom. It was fun.
But a problem arises here that is all too familiar.
Today, I find myself checking Facebook all the time -- posting, commenting and becoming a part of this online community of Whovians. I get sucked into the feeling of belonging and acceptance I feel among this group of nerds, me included.
A few winters ago I started playing a Facebook game with teams and alliances and battles and stuff. I got way too involved. I talked on the phone to several of the players in my alliance and spent nearly all my free time playing. I would time duties at work according to battles and how soon my troops would be rebuilt. The only way to get myself out of it was to quit - cold turkey - done. The same method I use to quit everything in my life.
I behave similarly with reading. I start a book and put everything aside until it's finished.
I do the same thing with work, with church, with yard work, with TV, with food, with therapy, with step work, with cleaning. It's what I did with online relationships, with phone sex, with real life relationships, with nearly everything in my life.
Why can't I seem to keep things more balanced? Why can't I keep things in their proper perspective? Why do I feel this compulsive need to belong to something -- anything? How do I fix that? How do I live more balanced? Why do I want to escape my life and run into fantasy and online communities? What am I running from?
Help
I started a new book yesterday: "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Dr. Brene Brown. I love the book. I love everything about it so far. I love the place of realness from which she writes. I love the experiences she shares and the way she describes things. I'm not even half way through but have been deeply moved by the book. I read this last night:
"Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help."
I attach judgment to receiving help every time I say something like: I feel stupid asking.... I know I should be able to do this by myself.... I can handle it...... Or, when I ask for help but in the same breath, explain it's not that important. Example: If you can, I could really use some help with....... but if you can't, no worries, I can do it by myself.
The more I've thought about it, the more I realize I have in some way passed judgment on those that I help. Not necessarily on them, as much as I have on myself. I attach my own sense of value and worth to helping other people. I don't necessarily always see them as people, more as objects that make me feel valuable. This seems to make more sense in my head than it does written out.
I feel unworthy and burdensome when I ask for help. Giving help makes me feel important and valuable. By not receiving, I am not allowing others to feel important or valuable. And by using others to inflate my self-esteem, I'm not seeing them as individuals, but rather as a list of things I must do in order to feel good. I'm not really happy with this realization about myself.
Since I've entered recovery my interactions with other people have been different and gotten much better. The last few weeks have been much different. Since my grandma's passing and the next week that I spent in California with family, my life has been different. Having the addiction experience that is part of my reality and gaining a deeper understanding of others and their situations have really helped me to see people as individuals with struggles. We never really understand the deep sorrows others are carrying around.
One of the changing points came for me at an SA meeting. One woman shared her struggling with negative self talk. She likened it to being judgmental. She talked about all the negative things that used to go through her heard about other people and how hard she has struggled to get rid of them. She would pray and ask God to remove the negative thoughts and to help her leave judgment up to Him and not her. One day while praying she felt the impression that even judging herself through self-talk was God's business and not her own. That really stuck with me. Why do I beat myself up so much when God doesn't do that? Why do I talk negatively to myself, when God would never do that? Judging other people is not my responsibility at all. Mine is to be loving and accepting of all people.
I have a serious hip injury, probably requiring a full hip replacement. My lawn desperately needed mowing, but every time I went out and tried to do yard work, my hip hurt horribly. Finally, I accepted help, and a family from my ward came over and mowed my lawn last night. When he accepted my ask for help, I cried for an hour. Why would he be so willing to help me? He was amazing. His family is amazing. There was no judgment from him, just help. Can I be that way? I want to be that way. I want to help and not pass judgment. I will work on it.
"Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help."
I attach judgment to receiving help every time I say something like: I feel stupid asking.... I know I should be able to do this by myself.... I can handle it...... Or, when I ask for help but in the same breath, explain it's not that important. Example: If you can, I could really use some help with....... but if you can't, no worries, I can do it by myself.
The more I've thought about it, the more I realize I have in some way passed judgment on those that I help. Not necessarily on them, as much as I have on myself. I attach my own sense of value and worth to helping other people. I don't necessarily always see them as people, more as objects that make me feel valuable. This seems to make more sense in my head than it does written out.
I feel unworthy and burdensome when I ask for help. Giving help makes me feel important and valuable. By not receiving, I am not allowing others to feel important or valuable. And by using others to inflate my self-esteem, I'm not seeing them as individuals, but rather as a list of things I must do in order to feel good. I'm not really happy with this realization about myself.
Since I've entered recovery my interactions with other people have been different and gotten much better. The last few weeks have been much different. Since my grandma's passing and the next week that I spent in California with family, my life has been different. Having the addiction experience that is part of my reality and gaining a deeper understanding of others and their situations have really helped me to see people as individuals with struggles. We never really understand the deep sorrows others are carrying around.
One of the changing points came for me at an SA meeting. One woman shared her struggling with negative self talk. She likened it to being judgmental. She talked about all the negative things that used to go through her heard about other people and how hard she has struggled to get rid of them. She would pray and ask God to remove the negative thoughts and to help her leave judgment up to Him and not her. One day while praying she felt the impression that even judging herself through self-talk was God's business and not her own. That really stuck with me. Why do I beat myself up so much when God doesn't do that? Why do I talk negatively to myself, when God would never do that? Judging other people is not my responsibility at all. Mine is to be loving and accepting of all people.
I have a serious hip injury, probably requiring a full hip replacement. My lawn desperately needed mowing, but every time I went out and tried to do yard work, my hip hurt horribly. Finally, I accepted help, and a family from my ward came over and mowed my lawn last night. When he accepted my ask for help, I cried for an hour. Why would he be so willing to help me? He was amazing. His family is amazing. There was no judgment from him, just help. Can I be that way? I want to be that way. I want to help and not pass judgment. I will work on it.
Shame Triggers
About a year ago I read the book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw. In those pages, a huge life shift happened. I finally knew why I felt broken inside and with that was developing a compassion for my parents and their own toxic shame. It was a life changing experience. More detail is here: Shame
The current book I'm studying "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" by Brene Brown was recommended to me by my Nutritional Therapist. She is amazing. The book doesn't spend nearly the same amount of time developing the history of shame in your life or where the shame comes from exactly. But what I'm really enjoying is the concrete exercises about building shame resilience. Though I feel confident in my ability to recognize the shame of my past, as new issues emerge in my life, I find myself caught in new shame cycles before I recognize what is going on.
Brown explains that king of shame, particularly for women, comes from the ideas of "unwanted identities". We experience a lot of shame when we believe people are seeing us in ways we don't want to be seen. The women she interviewed used words like: "I don't want to be seen as..." and "I don't want people to think I'm..." I experienced this just this week. In a fit of anger and resentment about an activity I was in charge of, someone called me a "child-hater". Anyone who knows even the littlest about me, knows that is the furthest thing from the truth. Yet - for three days, I was obsessed over the comment, feeling shameful about the idea that someone I hadn't even met would think that about me.
The exercise involves answering two questions for each of the shame categories. I found this exercise both AMAZINGLY difficult and AMAZINGLY helpful at the same time. Here is a beginning list.
Appearance and body image
I want to be perceived as: pretty, stylish, put together, natural, confident, happy, content, healthy,
I do NOT want to be perceived as: lazy, frumpy, trying too hard, overly-obsessed, over-compensating, trendy, ugly, fat, big, incapable, embarrassed about myself
Motherhood
I want to be perceived as: supportive of motherhood, someone who would be a good mom if she had kids, supportive of children, trustworthy of children, good with children, patient, kind, loving
I do NOT want to be perceived as: someone about whom people would say "good thing she doesn't have children", intolerant of children, unsympathetic to the plights of motherhood, judgmental of mothers or children
Family
I want to be perceived as: close-knit, supportive of each other, accepting, healthy
I do NOT want to be perceived as: dysfunctional, crazy, the failure or black sheep of the family, pitiful
Parenting
I want to be perceived as: supportive of parents and the family and their decisions
I do NOT want to be perceived as: judgmental, angry, blaming
Money and Work
I want to be perceived as: money-savvy, affluent, successful, valuable, respected, contributing, carefree
I do NOT want to be perceived as: struggling, poor
Mental and Physical Health
I want to be perceived as: stable, active, healthy, trustworthy, successful, king, considerate
I do NOT want to be perceived as: overly emotional, overly sensitive, controlling
Sex
I want to be perceived as: loving, affectionate, desired, confident
I do NOT want to be perceived as: a sex addict, sex obsessed, easy, desperate
Aging
I want to be perceived as: graceful, accepting,
I do NOT want to be perceived as: a whiner, complainer, lazy,
Religion
I want to be perceived as: spiritual, faithful, supportive of all faiths, accepting, Christian
I do NOT want to be perceived as: intolerant of others, pious, self-righteous, judgmental
Being Stereotyped and Labeled
I want to be perceived as: kind, intelligent, smart, nerdy,
I do NOT want to be perceived as: judgmental, flighty, ditzy, lonely, a loner, rude,
Speaking Out
I want to be perceived as: knowledgeable, opinionated, tolerant, accepting, articulate
I do NOT want to be perceived as: overly-opinionated, biased, intolerant, judgmental, loud, argumentative, contentious
Surviving Trauma
I want to be perceived as: respectful, strong, capable, wise, better-off
I do NOT want to be perceived as: sissy, complaining, a victim, a survivor
The current book I'm studying "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" by Brene Brown was recommended to me by my Nutritional Therapist. She is amazing. The book doesn't spend nearly the same amount of time developing the history of shame in your life or where the shame comes from exactly. But what I'm really enjoying is the concrete exercises about building shame resilience. Though I feel confident in my ability to recognize the shame of my past, as new issues emerge in my life, I find myself caught in new shame cycles before I recognize what is going on.
Brown explains that king of shame, particularly for women, comes from the ideas of "unwanted identities". We experience a lot of shame when we believe people are seeing us in ways we don't want to be seen. The women she interviewed used words like: "I don't want to be seen as..." and "I don't want people to think I'm..." I experienced this just this week. In a fit of anger and resentment about an activity I was in charge of, someone called me a "child-hater". Anyone who knows even the littlest about me, knows that is the furthest thing from the truth. Yet - for three days, I was obsessed over the comment, feeling shameful about the idea that someone I hadn't even met would think that about me.
The exercise involves answering two questions for each of the shame categories. I found this exercise both AMAZINGLY difficult and AMAZINGLY helpful at the same time. Here is a beginning list.
Appearance and body image
I want to be perceived as: pretty, stylish, put together, natural, confident, happy, content, healthy,
I do NOT want to be perceived as: lazy, frumpy, trying too hard, overly-obsessed, over-compensating, trendy, ugly, fat, big, incapable, embarrassed about myself
Motherhood
I want to be perceived as: supportive of motherhood, someone who would be a good mom if she had kids, supportive of children, trustworthy of children, good with children, patient, kind, loving
I do NOT want to be perceived as: someone about whom people would say "good thing she doesn't have children", intolerant of children, unsympathetic to the plights of motherhood, judgmental of mothers or children
Family
I want to be perceived as: close-knit, supportive of each other, accepting, healthy
I do NOT want to be perceived as: dysfunctional, crazy, the failure or black sheep of the family, pitiful
Parenting
I want to be perceived as: supportive of parents and the family and their decisions
I do NOT want to be perceived as: judgmental, angry, blaming
Money and Work
I want to be perceived as: money-savvy, affluent, successful, valuable, respected, contributing, carefree
I do NOT want to be perceived as: struggling, poor
Mental and Physical Health
I want to be perceived as: stable, active, healthy, trustworthy, successful, king, considerate
I do NOT want to be perceived as: overly emotional, overly sensitive, controlling
Sex
I want to be perceived as: loving, affectionate, desired, confident
I do NOT want to be perceived as: a sex addict, sex obsessed, easy, desperate
Aging
I want to be perceived as: graceful, accepting,
I do NOT want to be perceived as: a whiner, complainer, lazy,
Religion
I want to be perceived as: spiritual, faithful, supportive of all faiths, accepting, Christian
I do NOT want to be perceived as: intolerant of others, pious, self-righteous, judgmental
Being Stereotyped and Labeled
I want to be perceived as: kind, intelligent, smart, nerdy,
I do NOT want to be perceived as: judgmental, flighty, ditzy, lonely, a loner, rude,
Speaking Out
I want to be perceived as: knowledgeable, opinionated, tolerant, accepting, articulate
I do NOT want to be perceived as: overly-opinionated, biased, intolerant, judgmental, loud, argumentative, contentious
Surviving Trauma
I want to be perceived as: respectful, strong, capable, wise, better-off
I do NOT want to be perceived as: sissy, complaining, a victim, a survivor
Monday, April 1, 2013
More Sister Stuff
My relationship with my older sister is complicated. We are polar opposites on most things, though we have some things in common. From my earliest memories, we never got along, but I never thought I hated her. As I've peeled back some of the initial anger towards her, I'm finding a deep-seated resentment that borderlines animosity. I don't like it. And I don't like feeling that I could possibly be invested in her dysfunction.
From the moment I was born, we were doomed. I've written in detail (here) about my birth situation. My parents loved us differently. My sisters both have nick names from my dad - squirt and goose -- but I don't. My brothers all had sports with my dad -- but I didn't. I was aware, early, that things were not equal among us. And then the competition started.
We were the same height by the time I was 5. I was taller than her by 10. We've argued our whole lives. It started over clothes, diaries, friends, and then the car, money, CDs, work, cleaning our bedroom. We, as siblings, weren't exactly nice to my sister growing up. I recognize now that she, like me, had no emotional skills. She got upset really easily. She took everything extremely personal. When she was left to babysit us, all we had to do was make her mad, and she'd spend the rest of the night crying in her room. That made life easier for us.
The strongest memories I have of her as a child are spiteful ones. I would tell her not to use my clothes or wear my clothes but she would anyway and never got in trouble for it. I hated that. She would tell me that the kids in the ward or at school didn't really like me, they just pretended. I believed her. She was popular and knew these kind of things. We attended high school together for one semester, after which I transferred to another high school for the music program.
I skipped a grade and graduated early, so we effectually started college the same year. She went away to school and I stayed home and attended the local community college. My dad paid for her college -- he didn't mine. When she came home from school, after he got laid off, she made all of our lives miserable, but particularly mine. I hated her. I remember my mom trying to reconcile differences, but I wouldn't have any of it. She needed to go away again. And finally, she did. I left soon afterwards.
For the next, nearly, 20 years of our lives we were nearly estranged. We spoke at family functions, but only if required. We weren't friends. She went through a summer where she tried to be friends with me. She initiated "sister weekends" and would visit with our little sister as well. They were fine, but tolerated, not enjoyed. Once I was back from my mission at 23, that was all gone.
Our little sister once tried an intervention. I didn't want anything to do with it. The next summer, my older sister asked to move in with me. It meant leaving her job and apartment in Northern California to move south. She was fearful of herself and didn't trust herself to live alone anymore with her suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I agreed. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt obligated. It was rough -- really rough. I was in the depths of addiction and she in the depths of depression. She had been isolating herself from the family and so, in taking her in, I because the family hero. It's been 8 very long years.
My therapist reminded me today that she is a person with thoughts, feelings and her own set of issues. Her own set of issues. That is part of my problem -- I feel like her set of issues. I feel like I'm the contributing factor to her life being screwed up. As she always used to tell me -- life was better before I was born. And maybe it was.
I don't even want to deal with her or with the problem. I've tried to very many times to make things better, to be kind, compassionate, empathetic, loving, etc. Every time it blows up in my face. Every time. I feel like she hates me. I feel like she blames me for everything. I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I feel like no matter how much I give her, it will never be enough or make up for me being born or for how many problems I've caused her, etc.
And I don't like her as a person. I don't like the way she complains about everything! ALL THE TIME! I don't like how she feels she is the exception of every rule. EVERY RULE! I don't like how critical she is of everyone around her. I don't like how much she gets mad at me. I don't like how much she cries. I don't like how rude she is to my friends and the people I care about. I don't like how she doesn't listen to anyone or anything -- particularly me. I don't like how obligated I feel to help her. I don't like how she won't get over the past.
How do I move past that? How do I develop a relationship that I can handle? I can't have the relationship I want, nor can I keep going the way that we have.
I want her to get better -- don't I? I want her to get help and learn to be a better person, right? That is what I want, isn't it? Or do I want her to stay sick, rude, shut down emotionally, trapped,.... no I don't want that for her. I don't want that. I want her to get better. I want her to find help. I want her to be healthy.
I'm just rambling now.... I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to love her the way she is and not be threatened by her anymore. But I need to learn how. I need to learn how to let this go and work my program and be happy for her as well. How do I do that?
From the moment I was born, we were doomed. I've written in detail (here) about my birth situation. My parents loved us differently. My sisters both have nick names from my dad - squirt and goose -- but I don't. My brothers all had sports with my dad -- but I didn't. I was aware, early, that things were not equal among us. And then the competition started.
We were the same height by the time I was 5. I was taller than her by 10. We've argued our whole lives. It started over clothes, diaries, friends, and then the car, money, CDs, work, cleaning our bedroom. We, as siblings, weren't exactly nice to my sister growing up. I recognize now that she, like me, had no emotional skills. She got upset really easily. She took everything extremely personal. When she was left to babysit us, all we had to do was make her mad, and she'd spend the rest of the night crying in her room. That made life easier for us.
The strongest memories I have of her as a child are spiteful ones. I would tell her not to use my clothes or wear my clothes but she would anyway and never got in trouble for it. I hated that. She would tell me that the kids in the ward or at school didn't really like me, they just pretended. I believed her. She was popular and knew these kind of things. We attended high school together for one semester, after which I transferred to another high school for the music program.
I skipped a grade and graduated early, so we effectually started college the same year. She went away to school and I stayed home and attended the local community college. My dad paid for her college -- he didn't mine. When she came home from school, after he got laid off, she made all of our lives miserable, but particularly mine. I hated her. I remember my mom trying to reconcile differences, but I wouldn't have any of it. She needed to go away again. And finally, she did. I left soon afterwards.
For the next, nearly, 20 years of our lives we were nearly estranged. We spoke at family functions, but only if required. We weren't friends. She went through a summer where she tried to be friends with me. She initiated "sister weekends" and would visit with our little sister as well. They were fine, but tolerated, not enjoyed. Once I was back from my mission at 23, that was all gone.
Our little sister once tried an intervention. I didn't want anything to do with it. The next summer, my older sister asked to move in with me. It meant leaving her job and apartment in Northern California to move south. She was fearful of herself and didn't trust herself to live alone anymore with her suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I agreed. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt obligated. It was rough -- really rough. I was in the depths of addiction and she in the depths of depression. She had been isolating herself from the family and so, in taking her in, I because the family hero. It's been 8 very long years.
My therapist reminded me today that she is a person with thoughts, feelings and her own set of issues. Her own set of issues. That is part of my problem -- I feel like her set of issues. I feel like I'm the contributing factor to her life being screwed up. As she always used to tell me -- life was better before I was born. And maybe it was.
I don't even want to deal with her or with the problem. I've tried to very many times to make things better, to be kind, compassionate, empathetic, loving, etc. Every time it blows up in my face. Every time. I feel like she hates me. I feel like she blames me for everything. I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I feel like no matter how much I give her, it will never be enough or make up for me being born or for how many problems I've caused her, etc.
And I don't like her as a person. I don't like the way she complains about everything! ALL THE TIME! I don't like how she feels she is the exception of every rule. EVERY RULE! I don't like how critical she is of everyone around her. I don't like how much she gets mad at me. I don't like how much she cries. I don't like how rude she is to my friends and the people I care about. I don't like how she doesn't listen to anyone or anything -- particularly me. I don't like how obligated I feel to help her. I don't like how she won't get over the past.
How do I move past that? How do I develop a relationship that I can handle? I can't have the relationship I want, nor can I keep going the way that we have.
I want her to get better -- don't I? I want her to get help and learn to be a better person, right? That is what I want, isn't it? Or do I want her to stay sick, rude, shut down emotionally, trapped,.... no I don't want that for her. I don't want that. I want her to get better. I want her to find help. I want her to be healthy.
I'm just rambling now.... I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to love her the way she is and not be threatened by her anymore. But I need to learn how. I need to learn how to let this go and work my program and be happy for her as well. How do I do that?
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