Part 2: Here
We went
to the movies Saturday night. I started the evening as confused as ever about what we have, what we are, and what I want. But I had a really great
time. I felt totally relaxed, present and
comfortable. The movie was not awesome,
but I had a really good time regardless.
We drove home and had a profound conversation about his life, my life and our friendship. He said some amazing things. He said he was
incredibly proud of me and the changes I’ve made and the things I’ve overcome
in my life. He cried as he told me how much he was going to miss me. He thanked
me for my friendship, total acceptance and love. I shared with him how much I admire and love
him, and how very grateful I am for him as well. We held hands and laughed and
cried a little bit as we talked about the evolution of our friendship and some
of the experiences we have had together.
It was a moment I will never forget. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt
that accepted, that loved, or that valued before in my life.
It was
also one of those moments where I’m profoundly grateful for recovery. I could
have never been that present for anything like that before. Rather than spend
the whole time analyzing what he said or what I was about to say or what I had
already said or what was the intended meaning behind what he said or trying to
control what was happening, I really just sat in the moment and soaked it all
in. It was incredible.
After a
lull in conversation and a few moments of silence, he said: But I’m
so excited for you and your move. And
with that, the moment was gone. The conversation continued and we talked about
vacations we will take together and trips to see each other, but the incredibly raw, intimate moment was gone. The wall came back up as he commented how much he hopes I will meet
someone and start dating again.
I crawled
into bed later that night really sad. I miss him
already. By the amount of conversation
we have had the last two days, I think the feeling is mutual. And I will take all the time
I can get with him for the next several weeks until I move.
His has been the most significant friendship of my life. I used to think
similar things about other men that have been in my life, but I don’t think any
have affected me so deeply. Nor, do I
think I’ve been as honest, vulnerable, real or present for any of those
relationships.
And one
of the best parts is that there is nothing to run from. Nothing inappropriate
happened. There are no conflicts, no problems, no issues. We can continue to be friends with no
awkwardness. I’m sure the intensity of
the friendship will change due to proximity, but we will remain friends, I hope forever.
I've really been wondering about these moments where I want nothing more than to be near him, to hold him, to kiss him. This is emotional attraction, my therapist pointed out today. This is what healthy couples develop to keep their relationship intimate. This is where deep love is developed. Sexual and physical attraction start a relationship, but in order to keep one alive, emotional attraction has to develop.
I've had the two extremes. With Steve the sexual, physical attraction was deep and intense. But the emotional attraction never developed. I wanted it to, I tried to make it happen, but at that point in my life was incapable of making that type of connection. He, like my gay friend, knew about my addiction, my therapy and all my issues. Yet - rather than feel support and love, he exploited me to meet his own needs.
With this friend, the connection has been equally deep and intense, but has been all emotional. There is no physical attraction on my side, and I assume none on his side either. He knows all my issues both with family and friends and addiction. But - he has chosen to be accepting, supporting and loving through the whole thing.
Now, I'm ready to find something new. I want the deep emotional connection and attraction I've had, but with some physical attraction as well. I think a combination of the two will work for me.
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