Now I am here. I went through Facebook, all my email, and did my daily recovery stuff. But yet, here I sit, not wanting to move in any direction. Prior to recovery, this moment would lead to acting out. Overwhelmed and paralyzed with too many emotions, I would either go to the kitchen and proceed to eat anything and everything trying to numb my feelings, or I would go lay down and masturbate, hoping the physical and emotional release would push me through the overwhelmed stage. I know I'm making progress when neither of those options sounds good to me. Both end in emotional, possibly physical pain, and do nothing to help me emotionally.
Thankfully, I have other tools now, though I sometimes forget to use them. It's not that I forget, I just tend to think of them last. That bothers me. Core emotion writing was one of the most helpful things I've learned about and worked with. When I was doing this daily, I would go to bed at night emotionally at peace. It allowed me to process the things I was feeling and not let them build up in my system. Here goes:
Shame: I don't know if it's shame that I feel. I wouldn't use the word "sex" when I talked to my brother about my addiction yesterday. I just said I had an addiction. Does that mean I still have shame around it? Does that mean I'm still shame-ridden? I don't know. Is there another layer there I need to pull back.
Guilt: I feel guilty about the way I have treated my sister - and in some cases continue to do so. I can't find middle ground with her. I can't seem to make anything work with her. Does that mean I'm invested in her issues? Or does it mean I just don't care? I feel very apathetic towards the whole thing and feel guilty about that. Everything surrounding her makes me feel guilty. I don't do enough, I do too much. I've created this situation, she takes her issues out on me, I can't control that. I don't know. It is all very confusing and very complicated. I don't want it to be though. I just want it to be over.
Pain: My hip hurts. I found out this week that there really is nothing that can be done. I will eventually need a hip replacement. The doctor said I should wait as long as possible before I have one, the goal being 10 years. I'm not sure what to do - or how - or if - or what. But it hurts.
Fear: I told my brother about my addiction yesterday. I haven't told anyone in my family. I used the word addiction, but no the word sex. I was too scared. I haven't heard anything from him since. He's not on email or chat this morning and he didn't call last night like he said he would. I specifically asked him to keep the information confidential. We'll see if he does. But I'm scared. I'm scared our relationship will never be the same again. I'm scared he thinks less of me. I'm scared he will tell people about it. I'm scared he won't get help if he needs it. I'm scared that my whole world is going to come crashing in on me and I'll have to run away. I want to run away.
Anger: I don't feel angry -- I don't feel a lot of anger these days. It's momentary and it's fleeting. Anger takes too much effort to sustain. I'm grateful for that. It took up too much of my life for too long.
Loneliness: I have been desperately lonely the last week or so. I love these kids I work with, but they're not my family. I miss my family. Yet - I can't handle being around my sister at all. I feel this deep need for someone to share my life with and to share their life with me. I miss my bff who is out of town this week, yet last week he was bugging me. But I don't want this type of intimate, partner relationship with him. He's just a substitute. When I used to think about a partner, it was all about what they did for me. Now I'm more interested in who they are, what type of person they are, what things we will do together. I don't need to them to take care of me emotionally, which is what I've wanted for so long. I can take care of myself emotionally -- wow. That is something I couldn't say 6 months ago. But I can now. What I seek in a relationship now is partnership rather than caretaking. That is a shift that I like. But I'm still lonely.
Passion: My body is screaming for touch right now. It's been so long since I've held hands, cuddled, hugged, or anything of the sort. Two years actually. It's been two years since I've done anything like that. What I feel will pass -- it has for the last two years -- but sometimes my body has a mind of it's own and wants things.
Joy: I had a sobriety anniversary yesterday. That was nice. Everyday sober is a good day -- that's what my therapist tells me.
Love: I don't feel love today.
Helps for sure -- but still have a lot going on.... maybe need to do this a few times today to get through it all.
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