I just need to ramble until I figure out what is going on.........
I'm struggling to determine what is going on for me emotionally with my friend. We spend a lot of time together. We go out to dinner at least once a week. Talk on the phone or text nearly daily and have incredible conversations about our lives. We are not dating. He's gay and during conversations has said he has no intention to marry his way out of it. I am not physically attracted to him in anyway. I never have been. There are times when I am 100% annoyed by him and can't get away fast enough. There are times when I can't get enough of him either. I want to talk and talk and talk and spend time together. We kind of have a surrogate relationship, I guess. I enjoy that he is safe and knows so much about me. I can use the words addiction, sponsor, meeting, therapy, recovery, etc. and he doesn't freak out. I am also incredibly impressed with the person he is. He can set people at ease that I can't. He can be patient and honest with people when I am afraid to hurt their feelings. He is so great with accepting people and honoring who they are. He is an incredible faithful member of a church that is marginalizing of him because of his struggles. I have received miracles at his hands through priesthood blessings. He is incredibly supportive of his family in more ways than I can count. We make a great team and get along really well.
Sometimes I just want to hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder and say I love you. I do love him. I love him for all that he is for all that he has done for me and for the amazing friendship we share. Sometimes we sit in church together and I ache for his arm around me. We sit in a movie and he leans over to talk to me and his lips are so close and I feel like kissing him. It's confusing because I really am not physically attracted to him.
I know this much, it's not a sexual feeling. I know what that kind of attraction feels like. I know sexual tension and connection. This isn't that. This is different. I guess that's why I find it confusing. Is this what normal love feels like? Is this love without addiction? Is it love at all? But I don't want love without some kind of physical, sexual attraction.
This feels like it's all me. I think it is all me. I do believe that. He has made it clear he isn't attracted to women. He has also made it clear that he isn't going to have a relationship with a woman or marry his way out of it. I don't believe he has any kind of these feelings or is struggling. He did cry when I told him I was going to move. I think he enjoys my friendship as much as I enjoy his. I feel secure that what we have is mutual. I don't quite understand what I'm struggling with.
I don't act on any of this. We have never held hands, kissed or been physical. We hug. That's as far as it goes. Well, until yesterday. He put his arm around me at church. He leaned over to talk to me and put his arm around me and then left it there. It wasn't a cuddle move. I don't think it was a move at all. I'm not uncomfortable with it. It didn't feel weird or creepy or wrong. But at the same time it makes things more confusing for me. I feel like I need to put some boundaries around it and around what I'm ok with physically in so many areas.
Ugh. I don't feel any less confused.......
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