Ovulating

Today is a good day.  It's the first day in almost a week, where I woke up not wanting to masturbate.  That makes it a good day.  It means my week of ovulation is over.

Ovulating is seriously the hardest week of the month for me right now.  I can handle the menstruating part of my cycle, but the fertile part is difficult for me.  I get hit, out of no where, with strong urges for sex.  In the past I would tear myself apart trying to find the emotions I was avoiding, the triggers that were happening, or the things I was denying.  I would get really frustrated when nothing could be identified.  When I first started recovery, I felt really shameful during these weeks.  I hadn't quite pieced together what was happening hormonally, and since all sexuality felt shameful, these weeks were really difficult.  Early on, they were the weeks I would act out.  Before recovery, they were the weeks I would spend online, flaunting my sexuality and engage in acting out behavior.

It was about 10 months ago that I finally saw the pattern and pieced together what was happening.  I downloaded an app that helps you track your period and fertility.  It sends you reminder messages about ovulation.  It has been a lifesaver for me.  Understanding and accepting my sex drive as normal, regular, and cycle driven, has truly helped me let go of so much shame associated with it.  AND having a reminder that it is coming up has allowed me to manage and prepare for the coming urges. 

This month, I got the message, but didn't quite let it sink in or give myself any time to think about it or prepare.  My first night of explicit sexual dreams threw me off course.  Every muscle in my body is screaming "Impregnate Me!"  Everything arouses me and I can go from 0 to 100 in less than a second.  It has taken nearly a week to reign it in and feel a little more in control of things. 

Part of the problem -- not sure it's a problem -- not sure what it is actually -- is that I like feeling that way.  I enjoy feeling sexual. I don't want to feel that way all the time, nor do I want to use that feeling to get what I want, like I've done in the past.  I don't want to flaunt it, or use it manipulate men.  But I do like it. 

Right now, though, I have no outlet for it and won't unless I get married. 

Some would call that repression.  I call it recovery.