My relationship with my older sister is complicated. We are polar opposites on most things, though we have some things in common. From my earliest memories, we never got along, but I never thought I hated her. As I've peeled back some of the initial anger towards her, I'm finding a deep-seated resentment that borderlines animosity. I don't like it. And I don't like feeling that I could possibly be invested in her dysfunction.
From the moment I was born, we were doomed. I've written in detail (here) about my birth situation. My parents loved us differently. My sisters both have nick names from my dad - squirt and goose -- but I don't. My brothers all had sports with my dad -- but I didn't. I was aware, early, that things were not equal among us. And then the competition started.
We were the same height by the time I was 5. I was taller than her by 10. We've argued our whole lives. It started over clothes, diaries, friends, and then the car, money, CDs, work, cleaning our bedroom. We, as siblings, weren't exactly nice to my sister growing up. I recognize now that she, like me, had no emotional skills. She got upset really easily. She took everything extremely personal. When she was left to babysit us, all we had to do was make her mad, and she'd spend the rest of the night crying in her room. That made life easier for us.
The strongest memories I have of her as a child are spiteful ones. I would tell her not to use my clothes or wear my clothes but she would anyway and never got in trouble for it. I hated that. She would tell me that the kids in the ward or at school didn't really like me, they just pretended. I believed her. She was popular and knew these kind of things. We attended high school together for one semester, after which I transferred to another high school for the music program.
I skipped a grade and graduated early, so we effectually started college the same year. She went away to school and I stayed home and attended the local community college. My dad paid for her college -- he didn't mine. When she came home from school, after he got laid off, she made all of our lives miserable, but particularly mine. I hated her. I remember my mom trying to reconcile differences, but I wouldn't have any of it. She needed to go away again. And finally, she did. I left soon afterwards.
For the next, nearly, 20 years of our lives we were nearly estranged. We spoke at family functions, but only if required. We weren't friends. She went through a summer where she tried to be friends with me. She initiated "sister weekends" and would visit with our little sister as well. They were fine, but tolerated, not enjoyed. Once I was back from my mission at 23, that was all gone.
Our little sister once tried an intervention. I didn't want anything to do with it. The next summer, my older sister asked to move in with me. It meant leaving her job and apartment in Northern California to move south. She was fearful of herself and didn't trust herself to live alone anymore with her suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I agreed. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt obligated. It was rough -- really rough. I was in the depths of addiction and she in the depths of depression. She had been isolating herself from the family and so, in taking her in, I because the family hero. It's been 8 very long years.
My therapist reminded me today that she is a person with thoughts, feelings and her own set of issues. Her own set of issues. That is part of my problem -- I feel like her set of issues. I feel like I'm the contributing factor to her life being screwed up. As she always used to tell me -- life was better before I was born. And maybe it was.
I don't even want to deal with her or with the problem. I've tried to very many times to make things better, to be kind, compassionate, empathetic, loving, etc. Every time it blows up in my face. Every time. I feel like she hates me. I feel like she blames me for everything. I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I feel like no matter how much I give her, it will never be enough or make up for me being born or for how many problems I've caused her, etc.
And I don't like her as a person. I don't like the way she complains about everything! ALL THE TIME! I don't like how she feels she is the exception of every rule. EVERY RULE! I don't like how critical she is of everyone around her. I don't like how much she gets mad at me. I don't like how much she cries. I don't like how rude she is to my friends and the people I care about. I don't like how she doesn't listen to anyone or anything -- particularly me. I don't like how obligated I feel to help her. I don't like how she won't get over the past.
How do I move past that? How do I develop a relationship that I can handle? I can't have the relationship I want, nor can I keep going the way that we have.
I want her to get better -- don't I? I want her to get help and learn to be a better person, right? That is what I want, isn't it? Or do I want her to stay sick, rude, shut down emotionally, trapped,.... no I don't want that for her. I don't want that. I want her to get better. I want her to find help. I want her to be healthy.
I'm just rambling now.... I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to love her the way she is and not be threatened by her anymore. But I need to learn how. I need to learn how to let this go and work my program and be happy for her as well. How do I do that?
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